Authors: Lisa Wilde
“Fuck this shit.” Henry bent down and hoisted him over his shoulder with a grunt.
How the hell did this happen? How did the night end in up like this?
Henry knew of course, but it was much easier to feign ignorance. He wanted Ryan so badly he could “fake it ‘til he made it”, but this wasn’t actually making it, was it now? Henry cursed himself as he worked to open the front door and hold Ryan up on his shoulder at the same time. He considered taking Ryan to the E.R. He could hear him breathing and he thought maybe once he got him upstairs and settled; and checking him over first was the better option; for now.
Henry didn’t put Ryan down until they were in the apartment. Dropping the keys on the floor, he put Ryan down on the sofa long enough to give him a chance to wake up on his own. He slapped Ryan’s cheeks lightly a few times.
“Ryan you better get your shit together now or else in two seconds you’ll be in the shower, clothes and all.” Ryan didn’t answer.
“All right then. Have it your way.” Henry said scooped Ryan back up and headed off toward the bathroom. Henry managed to hold onto Ryan while he opened the curtain and turned the water on. Not bothering to wait for it to warm up, he pulled Ryan upright and stepped into the shower with him, not bothering to shut the curtain.
Here he was again. It called to mind a time, it the not so distant past, a very similar situation taking place with him and Ryan. Henry felt a pang of sadness.
The water clearly had the desired effect because Ryan flailed in Henry’s arms causing Henry lose his grip. Henry was holding him up off his feet, but Ryan slid down his body and managed to land on his own, however he lost his balance and had to grasp Henry’s upper arms.
Henry wrapped both hands around Ryan’s waist. He pulled Ryan to his chest. Henry bent his knees to look into Ryan’s eyes. Ryan was clearly trying to focus and lifted a hand to rub his eyes with his forefinger and thumb.
“Hey, look at me. Are you with me here?”
Ryan looked up at him, but said nothing.
Henry held him there like that for a few minutes and Ryan didn’t resist, he rested his head on Henry’s chest. Henry assumed his eyes were open, because Ryan kept rubbing at them, but he wasn’t sure. “What the hell Ryan?”
At those words Ryan tilted his head upright and looked at him. He sounded groggy and his eyes were red. “I’m fine. You’re so over dramatic.”
Ryan wrenched out of Henry’s hold with not much force at all. Henry didn’t fight him. When Ryan slipped stepping out though, Henry grabbed him, holding him until he had both feet planted on the rug outside the tub.
“Ryan, what the hell was that? You pretty much passed the fuck out in the cab and now you say you’re fine.”
“I had some drinks and I smoked, I’m over tired. It was called
sleeeeping
….”
“Fuck that, you were not ‘sleeping’,” Henry said using air quotes. “You passed out,” he said sternly pointing his finger in Ryan’s chest. Ryan pushed it away. Henry didn’t move, still waiting for an explanation.
Ryan began stripping off his drenched clothes and even though Henry was shocked that he was being so casual about the situation, he couldn’t help but react physically to Ryan undressing. He leaned against the door jamb. Henry crossed his legs in an effort to hide his body’s reaction. He wanted to be pissed at Ryan right now, he deserved to be. They’d been having a perfectly good night; great in fact. Then Ryan had to go and pull this shit; Henry felt like he deserved an explanation.
Ryan turned toward him as he toed off his shoes, saying nothing.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m fine, obviously,” Ryan smiled.
Yes, he was, and Henry knew what he was trying to do. He also knew that it would work.
Henry pushed himself off the door and walked toward Ryan. He felt weak and whipped. He needed to be mad right now, it was what made sense. But he was being drawn in by something more intense than anger, something that he wasn’t prepared to define at the moment. If Henry thought about it too long, he would teeter and back off; he didn’t want that, he wanted something else. He was overcome with the urge to take what he wanted. Henry had adrenaline coursing through his veins. He was pissed off, scared, sad; it was all fueling the fire in him.
He bent down on one knee in front of Ryan. He picked up Ryan’s foot to take off one sock and then the other. He held Ryan’s calf in one hand and raised his arm to run the other hand up the inside of his thigh. Rubbing his thumb across the crease where his thigh and groin met. Ryan just stared down at him. Henry dropped Ryan’s leg back down to the floor and ran both hands up the outside of his thighs.
“You scared me so damn much,” Henry said in barely a whisper, a hint of misery in his voice. He stared up at Ryan; continuing to run his hands up the outsides of his thighs.
Ryan didn’t respond, just ran his hand through Henry’s hair. Henry licked his lips and ran his hands up Ryan’s thighs again but when he reached his hips this time he hooked his fingers in the front of Ryan’s jeans. Gripping them and tugging the other man a bit closer. Ryan had to grasp Henry’s shoulders to keep from losing his balance. Henry worked the button and zipper on the jeans quickly.
As soon as he got the jeans down over Ryan’s hips he realized that Ryan had nothing under the jeans. It wasn’t the first time, but it was always an enjoyable revelation.
Jesus.
Henry started to sweat, tiny beads forming at his hairline that quickly rolled down into his eyes, mingled with the water droplets from the impromptu shower. Before he could wipe them away, Ryan grasped Henry’s hair in both hands then pulled Henry’s face into his tight stomach and rubbed it across his abs. Henry inhaled Ryan’s scent. It was intoxicating.
Ryan kept his grip tight as Henry finished pulling his jeans down. Ryan helped him by lifting each leg to help Henry pull his feet free. Henry reached back to grasp Ryan’s hips as he pulled back from Ryan’s stomach. Maneuvering them so that Ryan was leaning against the counter top, Henry ran his hands up the outside of Ryan’s thighs, gradually shifting them to his inner thighs. Ryan leaned back a bit more and opened his legs wider. When his hands reached the top of Ryan’s groin, Henry began to massage him with his thumbs in slow circular motions. Ryan groaned and shifted his hips forward.
Henry grasped Ryan’s cock with both hands and slowly started to massage him, feeling Ryan grow harder in his hands. The sensual whimpers emerging from Ryan … Henry wasn’t sure that he’d ever felt this empowered and turned on in his life. Ryan was moaning and pumping his hips slightly, his ass never leaving the counter top.
After a few beautifully torturous minutes Ryan grasped Henry by the top of his hair and pulled his head back. Henry winced but never pulled away from Ryan’s grip. He loosened his grip on Ryan, though. Letting go of Henry’s hair he leaned back until his head hit the mirrored cabinet behind him.
“Suck me, Henry,” his voice sounding tortured.
Henry ran his tongue over his lips then leaned forward to lick the glistening head of Ryan’s cock. He took his time, both hands wrapped around Ryan. He sucked and stroked him simultaneously.
Ryan pushed his ass up onto the counter top so that his feet were no longer touching the floor. Henry moved one hand to unbutton his own pants, otherwise he was going to have a permanent zipper imprint on his cock. He kept the other hand and his mouth busy working Ryan’s length.
Once he had released some of the pressure on his own dick Henry went back to focusing all of his attention on Ryan. Rubbing his inner thigh with his free hand, Ryan writhed and moaned.
“Fuck, stop! I don’t want to come.” Ryan pushed Henry back from him and gripped the base of his dick hard, holding still. “Take your clothes off Henry.”
Henry made quick work of his clothes. Once he was done he went right back down to his knees. Ryan put his hand on Henry’s forehead when he began to lean into Ryan’s groin again. Henry sat back on his heels, with a quizzical look fixed on him. Ryan began to stroke himself and Henry’s gaze fell to Ryan’s hand. Ryan took his time; Henry watched, waiting for a cue.
Ryan pushed back more, stretching one leg across the counter to rest on the toilet top and the other on a towel rack that was to the left of the sink. The angle couldn’t be comfortable? Ryan was totally exposed in this position. However, Ryan didn’t protest and Henry selfishly wasn’t going to question it.
Ryan was leaning back against the mirror, thighs spread wide; his cock in one hand, rolling his sac gently with the other.
“Come on Henry, fuck my ass with your mouth.”
Henry was caught off guard by the statement. He didn’t hesitate and he didn’t want to. Henry was in a particularly audacious mood and he was going with it. So, without hesitating, Henry grasped Ryan’s inner thighs for balance and brought his mouth to Ryan’s core before beginning to tongue him with fervor. Ryan let out a raging sigh and began to pump himself harder and faster, squeezing his balls every few strokes.
Henry sucked and licked Ryan until he started to slip forward off the counter top. Henry tightened his grip on Ryan’s thighs to help him stay put.
“Oh fuck. I’m gonna come, shit, come on. Don’t stop.
Ahhh
.”
Henry hummed a no the best he could against Ryan’s body. He needed to let Ryan know he had no intention of stopping. Then he increased his efforts. The result noisy wet sounds from him and moans and sighs from Ryan. Henry came up for quick intakes of breath of air.
It only took a few minutes for Ryan to reach his climax. Suddenly, he grabbed Henry by the top of his hair and pulled his head back. Ryan sat up a little and pulled Henry’s head forward, shoving himself in Henry’s mouth. Henry began to suck hard, gagging in his attempts to take Ryan in as much as possible.
“
Ahhh
, I’m coming. Don’t stop, please don’t stop.
Fucckkk.
” Ryan exploded in Henry’s mouth, his body jerking; he let go of Henry’s head to grasp the towel rack for support. Henry didn’t stop sucking and licking him until Ryan was begging him to stop. Henry was proud of himself. He was still getting used to the taste of another man’s spunk on his tongue and down his throat. He wouldn’t admit that to Ryan because it wasn’t a bad thing, it was just new and different, something to get used to and he was.
Henry sat back on his heels again and wiped his forearm across his mouth. Ryan slid down to the floor squeezing himself between Henry and the sink. When he was at eye level with Henry Ryan leaned in and kissed him slowly, licking around the edges of his mouth.
“Hmmmm, I taste so good on you.” Ryan said in a raspy voice.
Henry could only nod. Ryan went back to kissing him. Henry reached down to take himself in hand, Ryan grabbed Henry’s wrist to stop him.
“
Uh uh
, that’s mine.” Ryan said putting a hand on Henry’s chest and pushing him back on to the bathroom floor. It was cold and Henry jerked upright at the first contact but Ryan just increased the pressure with his hand on Henry’s chest.
Ryan slung one of his legs over Henry’s thighs once Henry had straightened out his body. Ryan shimmied down Henry’s legs until his face was in line with Henry’s groin. Henry was painfully hard at this point and he was sure that Ryan knew it. It didn’t stop him from tormenting Henry anyway. He grasped Henry’s cock, opened his mouth and tapped Henry’s cock against his flattened tongue.
Henry groaned and tossed an arm onto his forehead, the other hand to Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan licked him over and over, teasing him; making him squirm. Ryan shifted his legs between Henry’s and hefted one of Henry’s solid thighs up his body to rest over his shoulder.
Henry propped himself up on his elbows to look at Ryan hesitantly. Ryan gave Henry his signature smile and wink, then brought his attention back to Henry’s dick. Ryan pursed his lips again and spit on Henry’s dick, then started to jerk him off. Henry let his head drop back down to the floor. Ryan scooted back and sucked one of Henry’s balls into his mouth, one at a time and then both together. Henry moaned loudly, hands fisted at his sides in an effort not to grab Ryan’s head, afraid he may lose control and hurt him. Henry was so wound up he didn’t trust himself to be gentle. He would never intentionally hurt Ryan but the way Ryan was working him over, it was hard not to completely come apart.
Ryan continued to stroke him and relentlessly mouth his sac until Henry was ready to explode. He knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.
“Shit, Ry-”
“You gonna come?”
“Yes, yes.”
“Come for me Henry.”
That would be easy enough; he was already hanging by a very thin thread. Ryan sucked Henry’s cock into his mouth and it only took a few hard draws for Henry to come… hard, filling the back of Ryan’s throat. If he hesitated, Henry couldn’t tell and he was grateful for that.
H
ENRY lay on the bed facing the window. The weak early morning light was seeping through the blinds and he could hear the birds chirping outside the window. He hadn’t slept much, if at all. He typically didn’t sleep well after drinking. The events of last night were enough to keep him awake without any other factors. Ryan was next to him, snoring lightly in his usual position on his stomach, mouth hanging open and drooling slightly. Henry found it endearing. There were so many things about Ryan that Henry thought were cute, the little episode last night excluded.
He was a goddamned enabler. The juvenile probation officer was an enabler.
Dick-whipped?
So pathetic that he would rather pretend to not see what was right in front of him? He wasn’t sure what all of Ryan’s preferred drugs were but he knew a few. He felt like a hypocrite preaching to his probation kids about not doing drugs, even the
simple
ones. That was such bullshit. He was rationalizing Ryan’s drug use for selfish reasons. Then again, if Ryan only smoked weed, he could say in all honesty that he wouldn’t really give a shit. He was also an Irish boy and stereotype or not, any occasion was an occasion to drink in his family, so what the fuck? Where did he draw the line?
Ryan, here’s the list of what you can do and what you can’t?
Who the fuck was he to tell Ryan anything? That was some sanctimonious bullshit. That wasn’t who he was. Maybe … was he overreacting? Yes, Ryan had some tendencies to overindulge but maybe he was way off base. Annie always told him he lived like a fifty year old man. Maybe it was because he was so reserved and so serious and so caught up in his job that he couldn’t appreciate someone acting their age, so to speak; just having fun. Hell, he was only twenty-eight. It made sense, if he was only going to associate with people that met his “professional standards,” he was going to have a very lonely life. His friends drank, smoked. Hell, his cousin George still used chew. It was disgusting but he had been using it since they were baseball players in their teens. How the man didn’t have mouth cancer was beyond him.
Ryan was a grown man and if he wanted to do that stuff, who was Henry to judge? But he was also afraid for Ryan, how could he do his job like this? Sure, there were functional addicts, but Ryan’s job wasn’t sitting at a desk, he was endangering himself for a living. Henry wasn’t sure if Ryan did drugs when he was performing. He knew he should have this conversation with him but he also knew that Ryan was going to leave eventually. Would he be making it worse for himself by getting more emotionally involved? Did that make it right to ignore the situation? That would be a really fucked up thing to do. If he walked away, God only knew what would happen to Ryan. He felt the need to protect him, no matter how much time they’d have together. He would do the right thing, even if he wasn’t totally clear on what that was, acting as a friend, at least. That thought made Henry shudder, he couldn’t imagine just being Ryan’s friend.
They weren’t a couple, were they? They hadn’t said anything official, and honestly, that sounded so junior high. But Ryan wasn’t staying here in Boston, so it was kind of irrelevant. Henry knew for sure that if they
were
a couple, some of Ryan’s behavior would be out of the question. Not that he was trying to change Ryan, but going along with this kind of behavior in the short term was a very different thing than if they were going to be long term.
He tried to rationalize it but no matter which way he spun it, it came up shitty. He felt like there was a line drawn in the sand where his morals lay on one side and he was deliberately sliding a foot through that line to suit his current situation and he felt dirty for that.
Maybe starting to distance himself from Ryan would be the best thing? He wanted to spend as much time with Ryan as possible before he was gone. But maybe that wasn’t the best thing to do. He could still see him, just not as much. Henry resolved to start distancing himself. He wouldn’t just walk away completely, he couldn’t. He was selfish, he would admit it, but he would start backing off some for his own sake. He held back from Ryan so much already; he knew that Ryan knew it, so maybe he wouldn’t be so surprised. Henry rolled toward Ryan with an exasperated sigh and put an arm gently over Ryan’s back. He pushed up against him getting as close as he could be before closing his eyes.
~~~~~
Eight twenty-six a.m. It was far too early to be up on a Sunday morning. Ryan had been up for at least an hour though. He had gotten up to go to the bathroom and grab his cigarettes. Then he had climbed back into bed with Henry and just watched him sleep. He listened to the wind blowing through the trees outside.
He felt ashamed of himself. Every time that he’d seemed to convince himself that he had things under control; he fucked up even harder. What made it worse was that he was giving Henry false hope that he was getting his shit straight.
Only since Henry became more of a daily presence in his life did he realize how serious his problems actually were. The state of his denial was extreme and it scared him. Before this, he thought that he had been a young guy, living his dream and enjoying his life. When in fact, he was a guy who was getting older, destroying his dream while enjoying his life.
He had agonized over telling Henry everything but his plan to leave hadn’t changed. He didn’t want to leave and have Henry’s last memories of him be that Ryan was a loser. If Henry didn’t just run out the door the minute he woke up, Ryan would try to smooth things over, begin to bridge the canyon he had dug for himself. Maybe they could go to breakfast and go to the movies. Ryan was mulling this over when Henry began to stir.
Rolling over Henry opened his eyes and looked at him but didn’t speak.
“Good morning,” Ryan said.
“Morning,” Henry replied in a gravelly voice.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
Henry just nodded.
“I guess my apologies are a dime a dozen these days, huh?” Ryan said apologetically.
Henry adjusted the pillow under his head and repositioned himself so that he was facing Ryan completely. “It is what it is, I guess.”
Ryan wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he diverted. “Want to go out to breakfast?” He wanted to ask Henry to spend the day with him, but one step at a time.
Henry yawned, he didn’t answer right away and Ryan started to get nervous.
“Sure,” Henry finally replied. He pulled himself up out of bed and walked out of the room. Ryan lit another cigarette as he heard the sound of the shower turning on.
~~~~~
An hour after waking up, Henry and Ryan were at a diner not far from Ryan’s place. They had ordered and were drinking coffee while they waited for their breakfast. They had ridden the bike there so they hadn’t been able to talk, but now they had no excuse. They were both preoccupied with their phones, at least Henry was pretending to be, he wasn’t sure about Ryan. He wasn’t sure what to say. He had already made up his mind that he was going to start backing off. He couldn’t decide if telling Ryan that was a good idea or not. He was worried that Ryan would just walk away all together.
God, am I pathetic.
Henry wished he could talk to someone about all of this, especially Annie, but since that really wasn’t an option; he would go with his gut. His gut told him to not tell Ryan but just start fading out. His motives were purely self-serving. Henry would tell Ryan he had to go after breakfast and try to just get away without needing to lie. He was seriously debating Sunday dinner at this point as well but he wasn’t sure how that would go over. If he missed without a really, really good excuse, his mother would send someone looking for him; or worse, coming looking for him herself.
Their meals arrived and they ate in almost complete silence. Henry was taking a sip of coffee when he noticed Ryan watching him.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Ryan said shaking his head as diverted his attention back to his plate. But it didn’t seem like nothing. Henry sensed that he had wanted to say something but was holding back. He contemplated encouraging Ryan to say what was on his mind; but then thought better of it. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to hear what Ryan might say.
When they had finished eating and the check came they both reached for it.
“Let go,” Ryan said sternly.
“No, it’s not a big deal, give it to me,” Henry insisted.
Ryan wouldn’t drop the piece of paper though so Henry did. Sighing he took twenty in cash out of his wallet and dropped it on the table. He watched as Ryan mimicked him. He gave Ryan a questioning glare.
“I guess it’s her lucky day. She’s getting an awfully big tip,” Ryan said with a smirk.
Henry wasn’t going to budge and Ryan apparently was thinking the same thing so. They left the bill and two twenties on the table and got up to leave.
“So what do you want to do now?” Ryan asked once they were out the front door of the diner.
Henry hesitated before answering, “Actually I’m going to take you home and then head over to my place.”
“Why don’t I come with you? I’ve never been there.”
“Maybe another day, I need to do laundry and stuff before I go to my parents’ house,” Henry told him, his fears choking him, pulling him up short.
Ryan looked down at the ground, “Yeah, okay, no worries.” Then he turned and started to walk off in the direction of the bike.
Henry felt like an asshole but he tried to convince himself that this was for the best.