Authors: Lisa Wilde
R
YAN WOKE to a horn outside his window. It sounded like a Mac truck. He tried without success to drown it out with the pillows. The driver was killing that horn, he would bet money someone was double parked and the truck couldn’t get through, that happened often on this street. He gave up and rolled over, pulling himself up to a sitting position. On the night stand was a full glass of water, a bottle of aspirin, and a piece of folded paper. He chose to start with the aspirin and water. He took the paper and leaned back against the bed crossing his legs in front of him, before opening it.
Ryan, I had to go. Hope you feel better today. There’s some food in the kitchen, please eat. I hope we can talk later.
Henry
Ryan folded the paper back up and placed it back on the night stand. Scrubbing his hands over his face he thought about the state Henry must have seen him in yesterday. Damn, he felt like a loser right now. He wouldn’t even begin to be able to explain to Henry what had happened because he wasn’t completely sure himself. He was so pissed when Henry had left his place last time. He understood what Henry’s problem was, but he could have stayed and talked to him about it. They had already had this discussion. Henry just let him believe he was running to get a coffee. But little did Henry know that Ryan knew Henry wasn’t coming back. Kev had started to give him shit about Henry right after it happened, but Ryan cut him off. Later though, when he found Kev relaying the story to the others, the guys had given him such shit about it, adding fuel to the fire.
“What a dick move.”
“Seriously Ry, fuck him.”
“He’s too fucking uptight and I bet he’s in the closet.”
That last one had caused Ryan to cringe. He knew Henry was in the closet. He had never said the words but it was obvious. The crazy part was that wasn’t something he usually dealt with but Henry was different. As far as uptight, well maybe; despite his adamant denial to Kev, but it wasn’t such a bad thing, Henry was a probation officer. Ryan respected that. Henry was a responsible person, not so much uptight. He seemed scared too, it didn’t seem like it was just about being in the closet.
Ryan was embarrassed; he really needed to text Henry and apologize. Henry deserved so much better. Ryan had been really fucking up the last few months, longer if he really wanted to own his shit. He was scared to share all of his secrets and short comings with Henry because he didn’t want Henry to look at him differently. But really, could it be any worse than how Henry must see him after yesterday? Ryan didn’t want to lose him, regardless. But one of two things was going to happen here. He could lay all his cards on the table and Henry would run for his life in horror. Or he could keep acting reckless and irresponsible and Henry would walk simply because he got enough of that kind of shit from his juvenile cases.
Walking to the main room of the house he found his phone and started a message to Henry.
Ryan:
Thank you for taking care of me. Will you come over tomorrow after work?
Ryan had went into the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea and some toast. Bread Henry had obviously bought him.
He felt like such an ass.
It was a good half hour before he got a response. That entire time dragged, he had almost given up on Henry responding.
Henry:
No problem, I can do that. How r u feeling?
Ryan:
Like an asshole with the mother of all hangovers. :-/
Henry:
take it easy today okay?
Ryan:
will do, thx again xo
Henry: :-)
Ryan wasn’t sure how to take that smiley face.
Damn, over-thinking much?
It should be a red flag when you’re debating the meaning of a damn emoji.
He spent the rest of the day lying around, mostly watching TV. Occasionally he looked over the silks, but his head was still foggy, so he decided against it. He answered some messages in his phone and then went back to bed with his laptop, a bottle of ginger ale and some popcorn. Netflix and snacks in his sweats could fix almost anything.
Almost.
~~~~~
Henry planned to talk to Ryan about things when he arrived at the loft. Being the hypocrite that he was, he knew that he wouldn’t want Ryan to ask questions of him. He really, truly wanted to help Ryan. He wanted to be with Ryan too, but he wasn’t sure how to handle that discussion. He knew that Ryan would leave to go back to his "real life” sooner rather than later. He also knew that he wasn’t in a position to give Ryan the type of relationship that he deserved.
Henry knocked on the door, trying to psych himself up for what was to come. When Ryan opened it, the scent of Italian food wafted through the air. The room was glowing in a warm soft light from candles strategically placed around the kitchen and living room areas.
On the coffee table were place settings for two. Two bottled waters, a jar of what his nephew Louis called shaky cheese, a large bowl of ziti with sauce and meatballs and a plate with garlic bread. It all looked amazing and Henry was a little bit taken aback by the gesture. He wasn’t expecting this.
“I hope you’re hungry.” Ryan said, taking Henry’s helmet from him and gesturing him to go sit.
Henry toed off his shoes and walked over to the coffee table before responding, “I am, actually. Thank you, you didn’t have to do all this.”
“Yes, I did. I wanted to,” Ryan told him sitting down opposite Henry. “Go ahead help yourself,” he pushed the bowl toward Henry.
Henry dished some out, reaching for the cheese he laughed, thinking of Louis.
“What?” Ryan asked.
“Nothing, my nephew calls this shaky cheese,” Henry said waving the bottle in front of his face. “I don’t know why that always makes me laugh.
Ryan smiled, “That’s cute. It makes sense, most cheese you can’t shake.”
Henry raised an eyebrow at him. Ryan shrugged and went about making his plate.
They both began to eat and really didn’t talk much. When they were almost done Ryan spoke. “So how’s everything? Work? Your family?”
Henry thought Ryan looked a bit nervous. “Every thing’s good. How are you feeling today?”
Ryan blushed, he truly looked embarrassed now. That wasn’t something Henry was used to.
“I feel better, but we need to talk.”
Henry nodded in agreement. He was so glad Ryan had said something first. All that bravado he’d had earlier was gone. Henry opened his water and guzzled what was left.
“Want another?” Ryan asked.
“No, I’m good. So, where should we start?”
Ryan blew out a heavy sigh, “Well, clearly you saw that I went a bit overboard while I was gone this week.”
Henry crossed his arms in front of his chest, staying quiet.
“Not gonna make this easy on me huh? Okay then, Henry, I fucked up. I was so pissed when you just walked out that day.”
Henry leaned forward with his elbows on the table, “So you’re saying it’s my fault you were practically comatose this weekend?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying that I was pissed when you left. I thought that we’d already had this dialogue about you just walking out?”
“Well, I was pissed off, too,” Henry said looking down at the table.
“I get why you were mad. I’m sorry. I didn’t consider that might be a problem for you. My friends are used to doing things like that and I think that they thought since you were…you know, with me, that you were okay with it too.”
“Well, they were wrong. Never mind them though, let’s talk about you; obviously you were okay with it.”
Ryan nodded his head, “You’re right. I was, and I did drink it.”
Henry sat back, crossing his arms again.
“Listen, I never claimed to be a saint, Henry.”
“I never expected you to be.”
“Well, I’m not sure what to say. I use recreational drugs, I drink; I have shit going on in my life I’m having a hard time dealing with. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. I’m just trying to be honest with you. As honest as I can be.”
Henry mulled over those words for a few beats before responding. “I’m not asking you to change your lifestyle. I just hope that you can respect that I’m not going to change mine. I’m not sure what is even going on here,” Henry said lowering his head. Before Ryan could respond Henry spoke again, “Let me ask you something, Thursday night, did you do that on purpose?”
“Thursday night?” Ryan asked confused. He tilted his head back clearly trying to remember something.
Henry became irritated,” You said you would be home, you asked me to meet you here. Then you didn’t come home or let me know you weren’t coming back.”
“Fuck no!” Ryan shook his head, “That wasn’t on purpose. I won’t lie, I had planned to leave but then I got carried away. The rest is really blurry,” Ryan said putting his elbow up on the table to rest his head in his hand.
Henry exhaled, expelling the air long and slow. “Ryan, I know you said that you use drugs-”
“Recreational drugs,” Ryan said defensively.
“Ryan, drugs are drugs. What happened this weekend, is that a frequent thing? Because if it is, Ryan ˗”
Ryan cut him off, “No, it’s not, I swear. When I’m with those guys, I tend to get carried away.”
“And soon enough you’re going back to being with them full time,” Henry said dismally.
“Henry.”
“No, it’s okay. I knew you were going to go eventually, right?”
Ryan shrugged and under his breath said, “I’m not so sure anymore.”
“What?”
“Nothing,” Ryan shook his head, “I’m sorry. Can we start over? Can we talk about us?”
“Ryan, I don’t know. You’re going to leave-.”
“Put that aside for now, please?”
Henry said nothing but looked at Ryan; he wanted to stay, he knew he should go.
“Please,” Ryan asked him again, “I get it, okay? It was too much, but you and me, that’s something I want to have more of. You won’t see that shit from me again, I swear.” Ryan reached out and grabbed Henry's hand. Against Henry's better judgment, he nodded.
“Yeah?” Ryan nodded, hopeful and Henry gave him a small smile.
Ryan got up and went to the sofa and sat down on his knees. “Come here,” he patted the seat next to him.
Henry got up slowly and moved over to the sofa. When he sat down, Ryan turned Henry’s face and kissed him. Henry was slow to start; trying to be obstinate and willful like a child but he caved after only a beat or two and fell into the kiss.
They had been making out on the sofa for God only knows how long, groping each other through their clothes. Henry was lying back on the sofa with Ryan nestled between his legs. When they came up for air, Ryan spoke as he was trying to catch his breath.
“Tell me what you want, Henry.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean,” Ryan said nipping at Henry’s bottom lip.
From Henry's position on the sofa, he could see the silks dangling in the corner, Ryan followed his gaze.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Henry said and thrust is hips into Ryan, hoping to distract him. It didn’t work.
“No, not nothing. What were you looking at? The silks? Henry, do you have something you want to ask me for? Come on, don’t be shy. There’s a very good possibility of me doing it, whatever it happens to be,” Ryan said biting his lip and gliding his hand up and down Henry’s chest and then under his shirt.
Henry still didn’t say anything. Ryan ground against him and started sucking his neck.
“Tell me,” he urged, “Do you want to see me up there naked? You already saw that remember?” He nipped at Henry’s neck.
Henry did remember. But he didn’t say anything, just let out a groan recalling that sight.
“Tell me,” he licked Henry's chin, up to his mouth across his cheek, to his ear. “Wait, I know. Do you want to fuck me in the silks?”
Henry's dick twitched and Ryan must have felt it because he laughed.
“That’s it, isn't it; you want me while I'm all wrapped up. You are kinky.”
Henry was blushing now.
“I’ve never done that before, you know.”
“Yeah, right,” Henry said in disbelief.
“I swear. It’ll be a first.”
Something about that made Henry relax way more than he usually was with Ryan; that there was something that they could share together for the first time was exciting and intriguing. The idea gave Henry slightly more confidence than he had before Ryan said it.
Ryan broke the silence, “Ask and you shall receive. Well actually,
I
shall receive.”
Henry’s jaw dropped; sometimes the things Ryan said…well, he loved them but that didn’t mean they still didn’t shock him. Henry leaned up to take Ryan's mouth but Ryan stopped him, shaking his head, “Ask.”
Henry swallowed the lump in his throat and went for broke, “I want to make love to you in the silks.”