In Your Honor (46 page)

He stopped along the fence and jumped up on
the railing, holding his hand out to help her up. She looked from
him to the fence, then back to the house.

“
C'mon, Lucy, let's talk,” he said
gently.

She finally sighed and then climbed up to
sit next to him. Adjusting her seat on the sturdy fence, one hand
pulled her hair out of her face, her fingers trailing through the
dark tresses, and Blake stared at the movement. His gaze shifted to
her eyes and again, he was almost knocked over by the pain he saw
there.

“
What happened with Shane?” he asked,
watching her face intently while she avoided looking at him and
instead focused on the field in front of her.

“
He didn't want me.” She said it so
simply that he thought maybe he misheard.

“
I don't understand.”

Her shoulders slumped and her face went
slack. “He said he didn't love me and we shouldn't see each other
anymore.”

That made absolutely no sense. Blake knew he
was frowning, but he couldn't stop.

“
You're not serious.” He was grasping,
trying to find some indication that this wasn't what it sounded
like. It had to have been a misunderstanding. A horribly grotesque
misunderstanding.

“
Why are you making me talk about
this, Blake?” She looked at him then and new tears had gathered in
her eyes. Different ones than she had shed in the hospital. These
tears shimmered with the sting of rejection and hopelessness. “Do
you enjoy making me relive my failures?” Her words burned in his
chest.

“
What failures? Did he say this was
your fault or something?” Blake was starting to get angry. No, he
was livid. At Shane.

“
Nope,” Lucy laughed sardonically. “No
one will tell me why I'm not wanted. Why I'm not
enough.”

“
That's never—” Blake closed his eyes,
trying to understand what was going on. “It's not you.”

“
Yeah, okay,” she said, clearly not
believing him, her chin dipping to her chest and her hair falling
over her face again.

Blake ran his hand through his hair in
frustration. “I'm sorry, Lucy.”

“
It's fine. I'll get through this just
like before.” She lifted her head to the horizon again. “Like I
always do.”

“
Were you in love with him?” He
couldn't not ask.

“
I wanted to be.” Tears fell on her
face and she wiped them away. “But I've been wrong about so many
things now, I have no idea.”

He put his arm around her shoulders but she
shrugged him off. That cut deep.

“
I can't, Blake.” She wiped her face
again. “I just can't.” She jumped off the fence and headed back to
the house.

Blake sat in the late afternoon sun, but it
didn't melt the ice that had settled in his veins. He jumped down
and stalked angrily across the pasture. He had told Shane what the
consequences would be if he broke her heart.

***

Lucy was trying to put on a brave face, but
it was all a front. She wasn't good at lying, and pretending like
she was fine was nothing more than an elaborate deception. But she
didn't want the questions. She was too ashamed of the answers.

She had done it again. Had fallen for a man
without knowing where it would go, taking that risk and hoping for
the best. And it had left her devastated.

She wished she would have seen it coming,
could have seen the signs. But she had been just as stupid as she'd
always been. Giving her heart to a man who simply didn't want it.
Love had always meant more to her than to those she was trying to
give it to.

She didn't know why she walked around with
her heart out in front of her, on display, begging someone to
please, see it and cherish it. She only wanted to be loved the way
she loved. Was that so wrong? Isn't that what everyone wanted?

How did her heart continue to beat when it
was so badly bruised and battle weary?

She sat down in the grass on the far side of
the house. It's where she used to go to write and sing the songs
she wasn't ready to share yet. Her safe place. She would sit here
as a little girl in her mama's lap, and it had remained a place of
peace and solace for her. They would laugh and visit, having their
secret games and special talks. Lucy would beg her to tell the
story of how her parents fell in love again and again.

“
Do you think I'll find a
someone who loves me the way Daddy loves you?” Lucy asked as Mama
tucked another flower in her braid.

“
Of course you will.” Mama
smiled and pulled her into her lap.

“
How will I know?” Lucy
asked, playing with the bracelet on her arm that her mama had made
out of a piece of leather and some string.

“
Anyone can stick around
when it's sunny. It's the man who stands by you in the storm that
is worth pledging your life to.”

Lucy considered that for a moment. “Does
Daddy stand by you when it storms?”

“
Always. And I stand by
him.”

“
What if it gets
scary?”

“
Sometimes it does,” Mama
said, hugging her tight, “so you don't let go, no matter how hard
the wind blows.”

More tears ran as Lucy tucked her face
between her knees and quietly sobbed.

“
I miss you, Mama,” she
whispered. “I think I'm doing something wrong. I keep loving... I
keep holding on... but it's never enough... what do you do when
you're the one that keeps getting let go of? What if loving them
isn't enough?”

She thought of the night that Blake was
supposed to pick her up, but instead had left for California. She
had worn pink. His favorite. But that turned out to be the worst
birthday ever.

She had believed that there was no fight
they could have that they wouldn't be able to get through, that
they wouldn't be able to rise above. She never thought he'd walk
away.

She had been wrong.

She had settled with Frank. She planned on
marrying him simply because she thought it was a safe choice. He
was plain-looking, homely even, and had deep roots in Oklahoma. It
was humiliating to find out that not only had Blake been right
about the guy, but she had had to witness the unfaithful rat
bastard firsthand. Breaking off that relationship was easy after
that. She wasn't exactly attached.

But with Shane, she knew she was loved. She
could look in his eyes and see it. She could kiss his lips and feel
it. How had she been so wrong? Again?

Was she only seeing the reflection of her
lonely heart wanting what it craved so desperately? How would she
ever trust her heart again? All it did was betray her.

Blake left Lucy at her dad's without asking
any more questions. He needed to get some things sorted out in his
head and on paper, then he'd be back for her.

After he had dinner with Kendra and Mama, he
went over the next day's itinerary with K. They had to leave for
Tulsa in the morning, and the private plane would get them to the
next venue by late afternoon.

He wouldn't be able to make a side trip to
New York like he wanted. No matter, he'd go after the show. This
kind of conversation didn't happen over the phone. Blake wanted to
be able to look Shane in the eye before he broke his jaw.

Until then, Lucy was his priority. He wasn't
going to tell her about his plans to see Shane. She didn't need
that headache. He only wanted to help her get through this
seriously shitty episode of her life. He was her best friend and
she was his. It didn't matter how much he had screwed up
previously, he could do this part right.

He stared up at the ceiling in his room and
felt a smirk tug at the corner of his mouth. He was waiting for
Kendra and Mama to fall asleep. It really didn't matter if they
knew where he was going, but the secrecy added to the adventure.
And reminded him again of all the history he and Lucy shared. Their
lives had not only intersected at significant junctures. They
wrapped, tangled, practically braided around each other. Theirs was
a forever connection.

He silently slipped out of the covers and
padded down the hall, carrying his boots in one hand. Opening the
door and stepping out into the warm night, he felt a tingle start
in his chest and flare towards his fingers. He pushed his bike down
the road, going at least two blocks before bringing the old Harley
to life.

He roared across town, adrenaline pumping
through his limbs. The night was alive and it sparked and danced in
his single headlight, every mile bringing him closer to her.
He couldn't wait to get her on the back of his bike again. Where
she belonged.

When he got to the turn-off for Lucy's road,
he killed the motor and stashed the bike behind a stand of trees.
Then he jogged through the night to her bedroom window.

He hadn't done this in so long that he felt
even more rebellious than he ever had in his youth. It was stupid
and sweet. And exactly who they were.

Coming to a stop outside her window, he took
a deep breath. The air was rejuvenating, filling his limbs with
buzzing anticipation. If she had the window locked he would have to
knock. But he had a feeling she would be waiting for him.

***

Lucy couldn't sleep. She had spent herself
crying and now she felt numb. She didn't want to go back to her
apartment, she couldn't step in the living room without hearing
Shane's words echo back to her. Unmistakable, hurtful and untrue
words.

Her room didn't have much in it since she'd
taken most of it with her when she had moved out. But it still felt
like home. Same bed, same dresser, a few boxes filled with
childhood memories stacked in the closet.

She checked the lock on the window before
lying down. She didn't know why she made sure it was unlatched.
Habit, she supposed. Humans are silly creatures that go through
familiar motions when they are hurting, anything to bring them
comfort.

So when she heard the sound of the window
sliding up and someone climbing through, she was oddly comforted.
Most people would have panicked, started screaming, freaking out,
something. But Lucy had always had a peculiar connection with
Blake. She knew when he was near.

She listened to him settle on the window
sill, his heavy boots thudding lightly on the hardwood floor, the
muffled sound of his arms crossing, preparing to wait.

A heavy breath escaped her silently as she
stared up at the ceiling. Hesitating only long enough to take one
more breath, she swung her legs out of the blanket, resting her
bare feet on the floor. Her dark hair swung down onto her
shoulders, sliding in tangled waves over her skin. For a moment,
their eyes connected in the darkened room; he was silhouetted by
the moonlight and she felt like she was sixteen again. As if all
the ugly things that had happened since the night he left town were
just a bad dream, and he was here to wake her up from it.

But that wasn't reality.

“
What are you doing here, Blake?” she
asked softly, not wanting to wake her daddy.

“
Get some clothes on, we're going for
a ride.” He lifted his chin at her attire and she was suddenly very
aware that she was only in a small cami and tiny shorts.

“
We have to leave in the morning, we
don't have time for your shenanigans,” she argued, knowing it was
useless. Trying to pretend that the idea of being on the back of a
Harley didn't sound like the best idea she'd heard in a very long
time.

“
We've gone without sleep plenty of
times before. Now get that ass in some jeans.” He was using the
tone that she hated. Bossy. No room for argument. Which only wanted
to make her argue more. But as much as she hated it, she kind of
loved it too.

She grabbed an old pair of jeans out of her
dresser and slid them on over her shorts. Blake dropped his eyes to
the floor when she turned her back to take off her cami. Grabbing
the bra she'd discarded earlier, she slipped it on quickly and
opened her dresser drawer. She couldn't see through the dark what
t-shirts were available, so she picked the top one and tugged it
on.

Pulling her long hair up into a messy bun,
she let out a heavy sigh. She wasn't sure if she had the energy to
do this. She was thinking that if she mounted one final protest,
Blake might back off and let her be alone with her grief.

She suddenly felt warm, familiar hands cup
her shoulders from behind and she instinctively leaned back against
his chest.

“
I'm not leaving without you,” he
whispered in her ear. His lips grazed the shell of her ear when he
spoke and she was filled with a whole mess of reactions. Longing,
desire, trepidation, confusion, and gratitude.

She slowly stepped away from his
embrace and sat on the bed to lace up her shoes. He stood rigid in
the center of her room, not giving her the choice to back out. She
had no idea why he felt the need to do this. They weren't kids
anymore, this was a waste of time.
She
was a waste of time.

Standing up, she gave him a shrug, letting
him know she was ready but not exactly excited. His grin was
enormous and she had to fight not to smile back. Blake was still a
terrible role model.

They crossed to the window and she pushed up
on the sill, swung her legs over the side, and dropped onto the
ground. He was right behind her. Grabbing her hand without
hesitation, he pulled her running down the drive and towards the
main road.

At first she was irritated by his demand,
convinced he was finally crossing that last line of sanity. But as
they got further away from the house and were surrounded by the
night with endless possibilities in front of them, she dared to get
excited.