In Your Honor (45 page)

She tried to think of a way to address it or
fix it, not liking the detachment she was sensing in him. He hadn't
even tried to hold her hand since they left the hospital, and he
seemed to be pulling further away by the second.

She slid her key into the lock and pushed
the door open. Her apartment wasn't anything huge or fancy, just a
small one-bedroom on the third floor. Her furniture consisted of
used pieces she'd bought at local flea markets or garage sales. It
was eclectic, to say the least. But it was hers.

Shane entered the room and surveyed his
surroundings. Lucy had never been self-conscious about her simple
living quarters, but now she was a little embarrassed.

“
Can I get you a glass of water or
something?” she asked as she hung her keys on the hook and crossed
the floor into the tiny kitchen.

“
No thanks,” he replied as he sat down
on the sofa and rested his head in his hands.

Her heart stumbled uncomfortably as she
watched him. It was like waking up from a nightmare only to find
yourself plunging headfirst over a waterfall. She could see what
was coming and was powerless to stop it.

He raised his head to look at her, his amber
eyes flat. “We need to talk.”

***

Shane would rather set himself on fire than
have this conversation. But he had to make sure it was over.
Final.

She crossed the room towards him and sat on
the coffee table, her brown eyes round with worry. She already knew
what was coming. He was going to hate himself after this, way more
than she would.

“
What is it?” she asked anyway, even
though she clearly knew what was going on.

“
Now that's it's obvious that your dad
is gonna be fine, I'm gonna go back to New York.” He rubbed his
jaw, feeling the roughness on his fingertips and focusing on being
insensitive. Cold.

“
Okay.” She waited for the rest. The
other shoe she had talked about a few weeks ago? He was getting
ready to throw it at her.

“
I think it's best that we don't see
each other anymore.” The words tasted bad in his mouth. Like bile
and deceit.

Her eyes filled with tears and her jaw began
to quiver. He ground his teeth together and looked away. His eyes
drifted to the bracelet he had given her in Encinitas. The burning
in his chest intensified.

“
What did I do?” she whispered
helplessly, and he wished he could punch himself in the face right
now. He didn't want this.

“
Nothing.” He cleared his throat. “You
didn't do anything.” At least that much was true.

“
I don't understand.” A large tear
escaped the corner of her eye and rolled slowly down her perfect
cheek. He watched it splash onto her pant leg in slow motion.
Evidence of his cruelty.

“
We come from different worlds and...
I don't see a future for us. I don't want to waste your time.”
Lies. All of it. Straight bullshit.

“
But I thought...?” Her mouth hung
open in shock and he had to fight the urge to take it all back,
pull her into his arms and never let go.

“
I should never have let this go as
far as it did and for that, I'm sorry.” Shane struggled to keep his
voice even. He was going for 'business-like' but knew it was coming
out closer to 'shallow apathy.'

“
But you said you loved me.” Both of
her eyes were spilling tears, unchecked. He watched her pants soak
up the salty waterfall.

“
I don't.” Shane had never told a
bigger lie in his life. His heart was beating so haphazardly that
he was afraid it was going to have permanent damage. He wondered
vaguely if it would ever forgive him for what he was doing to it,
and to her.

“
I don't believe you.” She sniffed
back more tears, trying to put on a brave face.

He was actually a little happy about that.
That meant that he'd made it clear and obvious in all he did that
he loved her. Because he did. With his whole heart. He was stupid
in love with her. That's exactly why he had to do this. And she had
to believe him, or she would never embrace the future that would
enable her heart to thrive the way it was meant to.

“
I don't understand at all, this isn't
like you.” Her pretty face was trying make sense of it all, and it
was an extra kick to his gut. She was so trusting, so legitimately
caught off guard.

“
Yes, it is. Ask Lenny. Hell, ask
anyone. This is exactly who I am.” His voice was cold and callous.
He couldn't believe he was actually doing this, breaking her heart.
On purpose.

“
I'm sorry,” he said again, trying to
maintain his composure. He'd save his own tears for the drive to
the airport. He stood up, loathing how he felt.

“
Please, Shane,” she whispered, her
voice cracking at the end. “Please, don't go.” Her shoulders had
started to shake from the weight of everything she had been through
the past couple of days.

This tiny moment held so many unbelievably
huge things. He had to go, it was now or never. He couldn't change
his mind. Not after he had wounded her so grievously. No, there was
no coming back from this.

He reached out to touch her one last time
but stopped himself, he didn't have that right any longer. “We can
stay friends,” he said instead, turning to the door while
simultaneously finishing off any hope that might remain in her now
shattered heart. “I'll see ya around, kid.”

His legs felt like lead weights as he
hurried to the rental car. His heart demanded his body go back,
fling himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness. But his head
pushed on. This was the only way. It had to be like this.

***

The door slammed closed behind him and Lucy
sat in shock. She felt lifeless. Confused. The tears refused to
abate and her pant legs were wet from where they had been
falling.

She heard a shuddering sob and realized that
it had come from her. Her body convulsed with the pain in her chest
and she doubled over.

“
What did I do?” she asked again, with
no one there to answer her. No one was ever there to answer that
question. The same one she had been asking for years now. It had to
be her, though. She was the common denominator. She was the reason
that her heart kept getting pulverized. How could she ever fix
whatever it was she was doing wrong if no one would tell
her?

It hurt. God, it hurt so bad.

“
I'm not ready,” she cried out loud,
wanting desperately for someone to hear her. “I'm not ready!” she
repeated, louder this time.

But who was ever ready to get their heart
crushed? Who came prepared for an assault of this magnitude?

It was strange, the way time seemed to
become very slow and the clock unbearably loud. Her breathing came
in thin, shallow rasps as she struggled for understanding,
acceptance. Her limbs trembled and her head ached.

Shane had been her hero just
twenty-four hours prior. What the hell had happened? She refused to
believe that he was really that hard, uncaring person that had sat
here just moments ago. She
knew
him. Had spent a good deal of time and energy
getting to know him. This... this had never come up
before.

He must have figured it out, somewhere in
between then and now. She'd done something, had accidentally given
it away. He had obviously figured out she wasn't enough. She would
never be enough. Same story, different man.

She was right back to where she would always
end up. Alone.

Lucy clenched her fists, intent on driving
out her heartache with blinding rage. But it wouldn't come. She was
too tired and too sad. The anger never showed up.

Instead she curled into the spot on the
couch where he had sat and sobbed herself into unconsciousness.
Accepting the fact that her heart would remain perpetually
broken.

***

Blake checked the clock on the wall. Lucy
had been gone a long time. She and Shane had been gone when he and
Kendra had returned. His mom said they'd gone to get something to
eat and rest. He was glad for that, she had exhausted herself.

But it was getting late, and no one had
heard from her. She must really have been tired, he supposed.
Still, there was an unsteady tingle in the back of his mind. The
one that would show up when he knew, without knowing how he knew,
that she was in trouble. And she needed him.

“
Hey, how's the invalid?” Lucy stood
in the doorway, a half-smile on her face as she looked at her
daddy.

Blake's elation at seeing her was
short-lived when he saw the puffiness under her eyes and the slow
way she carried herself as she walked across the room to sit at her
daddy's side. Her hair was still wet from her shower, but she
didn't look like she'd gotten any rest at all. Not to mention that
that tingle was starting to ring like a distant alarm.

“
I'm ready to go 'bout now.” Triny
furrowed his brow at the nurse, who only snickered.

“
You never were a very good patient.”
Lucy smiled at him. But it was a sad smile.

Blake started to get a weird feeling in the
pit of his stomach and the distant alarm wasn't so distant
anymore.

“
Where's that tall fella that was with
you before?” Triny asked, looking towards the door.

“
He had to get back to New York,” Lucy
explained. “He has a very important job.”

“
I see.” Triny pursed his lips. “When
are you headed back out?”

“
Maybe I won't go back,” she said
softly.

Blake wasn't sure he had heard her quite
right and he was about to interrupt and protest, but Triny gave him
a hidden wink.

“
The girl I raised finishes what she
starts,” Triny chided.

“
But, Daddy,” Lucy finally raised her
eyes from the bedspread. “Look what happened to you while I was
gone.”

“
That woulda happened had you been
here,” Triny exclaimed. “Your presence doesn't protect me; you do
not have superpowers.”

“
I know, but Daddy, I don't... I don't
know how I can go back out there when you'll need someone to take
care of you.”

“
Stop being belligerent, Sweet Bit,”
Triny stopped her argument. “I am going to be just fine. I have
more people hovering around me now than I know what to do with, and
I will not have you be another one.”

Lucy fell silent, a defeated look on her
face. Her spark had dimmed considerably and Blake's concerns were
mounting, that damn alarm was ringing in his head and he clenched
his fists together at his sides.

“
When's the next show?” Triny asked
Blake, who pulled his phone out to check the text from Carl, glad
for something to do besides worry about Lucy's odd
behavior.

“
We only had to postpone a few dates,
so the next one is day after tomorrow.” He paused and rubbed his
hand over his chin. “They got us a private plane to the next venue,
Lucky,” he said, hoping to lift her spirits.

She made eye contact with him for the first
time since she'd entered the room, and the pain in her eyes almost
knocked him out of his chair. She blinked slowly, like she was
still exhausted. It took a tremendous amount of willpower for him
to remain seated and not rush to her side.

“
Fine, I'll finish the tour. But then
I'm done,” she said neutrally.

Blake looked to Triny, who gave a subtle
nod. They had time.

***

Blake couldn't find a moment alone with
Lucy. He tried. A lot. But she was being evasive and he had his
suspicions as to why. Shane was gone. It was pretty obvious, but he
had to hear it from her before he chose his next course of
action.

He'd had a good talk with Triny about the
opportunities available to Lucy and what that could mean to her
future. Triny reiterated that it was her choice and she had to be
comfortable making it. Meaning, Blake needed to not harass her
about it.

Triny was discharged from the hospital that
afternoon and had a whole mess of lasagnas in his freezer to come
home to. The church ladies had been busy. Apparently, Triny Newton
was quite a popular widower.

Blake chuckled to himself as he tried to
make more room in the fridge for the eighth casserole that had been
dropped off that day. “Triny, you may need to consider getting
another refrigerator.”

“
I'll take the extras down to the
shelter tomorrow,” he responded with an amused shake of his
head.

“
You will not, you need to rest.” Lucy
put her fists on her hips and Blake couldn't help but smile.
Pushing past whatever it was that was causing her insides to
cave-in, she put on her brave face and took care of what needed to
be done first.

“
I guess I'll have to wait 'til she
leaves town.” Triny pointed at her with his thumb while grimacing
at Blake.

“
She cares about you,” Blake reminded
him with a chuckle, not wanting to take sides between the two of
them. Besides, he already knew he'd end up on Lucy's side, that's
how it worked.

“
Ahh,” Triny waved it off and turned
down the hall, “it's time for my nap. You two make yourselves
scarce.”

Blake loved how Triny never had a problem
kicking people out of his house. And this was his opportunity. He
didn't hesitate in grabbing Lucy by the hand and pulling her
outside. He was getting his conversation with her, whether she
wanted it or not.

He didn't let go of her hand, enjoying the
familiar feel of it as he led her along the fence line. He looked
over at her wild, dark brown hair blowing across her face and was
reminded of how long they'd known one another. Longer than most
people knew each other these days.