Inconsolable (18 page)

I jolt out of the bed, my scream rivaling the one I just heard in my dream from Jameson.  I reach over to grab the non-existent bottle of whiskey on my night stand when I am met with Kyle leaning against my wall.  I shake my head this time not even upset that he is there with me. I think I am going crazy
because I am actually comforted that I’m not alone.

“Closure, my brother, you need closure.” He says as he leans against the wall with his hat on backwards. This is my friend, how I want to remember him. I don’t want to see those images in my mind from when I came to. I don’t want to see his legs in one spot and his hand beside his head with no arm attached. I shake my head again, trying to wake up. “What happened to us was not your fault, Blake. You have to let this go, let us go. If you don’t it’ll eat you alive. Go to our resting place, say goodbye and move on.” With that he’s gone. I sit in bed for a few more minutes,
afraid to go back to sleep.  I look over at my phone and hit the home screen to see what time it is.  Instead I see a text from Anna,
Goodnight handsome. Think of me, I love you Blake.
  I want to text her back, but I see it’s after three in the morning.  I roll over, wrapping my pillow around me and pretending its Anna. 

I wake up to the ringing of my cell phone.
I have no clue who would call this early in the morning.  I don’t look at the caller ID.
I just answer it.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Blake I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” I hear Ms. Jennifer say and I am upright in the bed.

“Is everything okay, Ms. Jennifer?”

“Well, not really,” she sighs. “I’m afraid for Jameson. He and Sam broke up. She has conquered her past, but he’s afraid to face his.” I can hear the pain in her voice and it kills me.

“Well, I don’t know what I can do.”

“I want you to take him to see the guys. You both need it. I’ll book your flights today, but you need to take him.”

“Okay, I’ll head that way now.” I get up and start moving

“Thank you,
Blake. I think you’re the only one who can save my son.”

“Ms. Jennifer, Jameson saved me. I would give anything to save him.”

“I know you would, baby.  Thank you for being there for him.  I’ll have the tickets waiting at the airport.” 

I hang up the phone, grab my overnight bag and throw some clothes into it.  I’m out the door in ten minutes.  I grab my phone again and hit dial. 

“Hello?” I hear Anna’s sleepy voice come over the line.

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

“Hi, babe.” 

“I’m going out of town. Jameson and I are gonna go see the guys’ graves.”

“Oh, that is amazing. How long will you be gone?”

The excitement and sadness in her voice have me smiling. She’s going to miss me. “I’m not sure, but probably only a night. You won’t even have time to miss me.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I miss you, already.”

“Good, I like being missed by you. Mom and Dad want you to come for dinner this weekend. You up for that?”

“Sure. I need to get up and ready for work. Call me when you get back? We can do lunch?”

“Or we could skip lunch and do each other.” 

“BLAKE!”

I let out a chuckle as she tries to get her breathing under control. She may act offended but she really likes it. “Okay baby, have a good day at work. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

With that the line goes dead.  I turn the radio on as I finish the hour drive to Jameson.  I get to his house and know he’s there because his beloved Mustang is sitting in its usual spot.  I slide the key to his house in the lock and open the door.  I see him fall back on the couch and laugh a little. “Jameson, I saw you lay back down. Get your ass up now,
Carter!”

He lets out a growl, which pisses me off until I notice the bottles on the floor. I kick a Jack Daniels bottle out of my way as I reach him. “Really Carter, are you going to let this keep you from being with Sam?”  I growl out as I slap him in the face. “Wake the fuck up,
Carter! You are ruining your life and none of us want that for you. Not Black, Andrews, Jackson
or Miller.  Get up, get showered and dressed.  I am making the decision for you.” I grab his hand and pull him to his feet. I steer him into the bathroom and regret how badly I treated Uncle Trey now that I know how I was.  “Sober up, man up, grab your coins and let’s go.”

I hear the shower turn on, then I hear a grunt as he steps into the water. I walk around the house with a trash bag picking up all the liquor bottles. I can’t help but get a sense of d
éjà vu
as I clean up his apartment.  I feel as if I have stepped out of my own body and am reliving the past six months of my life through Carter.  I walk outside to put the garbage in the trash can. I decide to light up a cigarette while he finishes his packing. I inhale the toxins,
welcoming them. As I exhale,
I decide if Jameson can do this, then
I can quit smoking. I’m going to vow to do that just as soon as we get back. I grab his bag as he comes out of the house. We don’t say anything until we both get into the car.
I don’t know how to really tell him this, but I need to.

“Your mom bought the tickets, for both of us. She begged me to bring you,
Carter. You’re losing yourself, man.”  I say my peace then look back at the road.  Neither one of us speaks another word until we land in Virginia. 

Walking into Arlington National Cemetery is something I never imagined I would do for the meaning behind it. I never thought I would be walking in here in search of someone I knew and watched die. This is a place of nostalgia and history, a place you come to know what was given for your freedom. At least to me, that is what it would have been. I see Jameson halt as we get closer to the graves. He turns around his chest rising and falling as if he can’t fill his lungs with oxygen. I put my hand on
his chest to stop him from heading back the way he came.

“You have to do this, Jameson.  Do this for your future. Do it because you need to. Don’t let this stop you from moving on with your life, Carter. You need this.  If you want a future with Sam, then
you need to take this step. You’re already here. I’m with you. We have survived something way more dangerous than this. We can do this,
together.”  I put my hand on his shoulder and look him right in the eye.  I can see him falter in his decision, but eventually he gives in.

We start to walk down the rows and rows of grave markers. Finally, we reach the four we are here to see.  I hear Jameson pat the coins resting in his pocket. I notice all of the other coins lying around and can’t help but smile.  I see Jameson hesitate for another second, but I don’t move.  This is something he needs way more than I do. 

I read the first grave Jameson comes to and I have to hold back the sob that is trying to come out of my throat. 

Matthew Jackson

Beloved Son, Husband & Father

2.22.90 – 5.10.12

I read over the grave as Jameson lets out a strangled sob. This is what he needs
and I stay back as his body shakes from the emotion gripping him. I notice the tears silently falling down my own cheeks. I leave Jameson to grieve at Jackson’s grave, making my way down to Kyle’s.

Kyle Black

May the Lord welcome you with open arms.

7.5.92 – 5.10.12

I kneel on his grave, my head on his tombstone as I let out all the anger, sadness and remorse I have over losing him. I stand up after a good thirty minutes
and notice Jameson hasn’t moved from his spot. He stands a moment later and looks at me. I see his red puffy eyes
and know what he’s thinking, immediately.  I’d think the same thing.  “What happened here today stays here, between brothers.” I give him a sad smile while I pat his back.  “We’ve been here almost two hours and it’s getting late, so we need to go ahead and finish saying our goodbyes, then head back to the car.”

Jameson takes a step back looking over the graves, then speaks.  “Nothing can prepare you for the loss you feel when you lose people you care about.  I know I never told any of you, but I cared for you all.  You were the brothers I never had, the best friends a guy prays for.  I’m sorry.”  He chokes up, clearing his throat before continuing. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to save you all. God must have needed you more than I did. I know you’re all up there partying it up. Jackson, Matt, well little Matt I guess…man, he’s just like you.  He loves that damn Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan.  He made me sing with him when I went to meet Isabella.  I think you’d like Sam, actually all of you would.  Will, man your dad and my mom, what do you think of that?  We really could have been brothers at some
point.” He takes the quarters out of his pocket and places one on each of the graves.  Then takes the four nickels and places one on each of their graves. Next, he places the one dime on Jackson’s grave.  I see him wipe a tear from his eye as he stands. “Goodbye my brothers.” He looks at me with a sad smile.  “I’m ready to face my future now, Johnson.”  I pat his back, looking back at Kyle’s grave. He’s standing beside it, with a big ass grin on his face. He salutes me then slowly starts to fade away. I don’t know if I am more relieved that his ass isn’t coming back
or if I’m more sad that I’ve just lost my best friend,
again.

“It’s about damn time you opened your eyes,
man. I couldn’t let you lose Sam. She’s the one that you never want to let get away.”  I smack his arm as I start to head to the car. I let him fall behind me
because I know it’s not easy giving up something you have held so dear to you.  I know we will both get there though.  We both have amazing women to stand beside us.  I let out a chuckle as I hear Jameson behind me.

“Let’s go, Johnson. I have some time to make up for.”

It’s been a few weeks since Blake took Jameson to Washington to see the boys. We have gone on a few double dates with Mary-Beth and Garrett
and I have to say I really like Garrett for her.  She seems to really get along with Trinity as well.  I even went with the three of them to play putt-putt while Blake was in Washington.   

It’s also been a week since I met Blake’s mom and dad. They are two of the sweetest people I have ever met
and I am pretty sure his mother is already planning a wedding. I slide on my flats as I walk towards the door heading to my car. I grab the keys on my way out. When I open the door,
I see Mary-Beth. 

“Hey, I was just, um… can we talk?” She gives me a sheepish gaze
and I worry about what she’s about to tell me.

“What did you do this time?”

“Well, um… I kind of kissed Jameson and I knew Sam was standing there.” 

“YOU DID WHAT?” I yell at her, this time I see red. “Did you fucking forget about Garrett? You have issues! How could you do this, Mary-Beth?” I pull her out of my apartment and onto the sidewalk.

“I just… I hate that he’s happy!”

“But aren’t you? Garrett doesn’t make you happy?”

“He does, but I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it, Mary-Beth. You have issues. You need to figure them out! Jameson deserves happiness.”

With that,
I open the door to my car and slam it behind me. I slam the car into reverse, backing out of my spot,
then shoving it into drive. I can’t believe I peeled out for the first time in my life. I can’t understand why she is so against other people being happy. It ticks me off more than I know. I pull into my parking space at work about ten minutes later. I make my way down to Penny’s for my cup of coffee, but stop when I see Jameson’s shop. I see Luke in there with a look of pure hatred. I reach for the handle only to realize it’s locked. I knock on the door. When Jameson walks over and opens it,
I throw myself into his arms.

“Jameson, I am so sorry!” I pull away to look at him, embarrassed for what Mary-Beth has done.  “She’s my best friend, but I just can’t talk to her anymore.  What she did was wrong.” I break down into tears as I realize what happened.

“I know it’s not your fault, Anna, but Sam saw what she did.”  I look at Jameson as he responds and notice a knot forming under his right eye. I walk into the kitchen, grab a bottle of water and bring it back.

“Put that on your eye.  I guess Luke got in a good punch?”  I chuckle as he lets out a grin. At least we can find some humor in it.  “He really didn’t do it this time, Luke.”  I say to
Luke as I look at Jameson,
apologetically. “I should have known she’d try this.” 

“You didn’t know she’d do this.”

“But I should have seen it coming.  Mary-Beth has always, and I mean always, disliked Sam.  I never understood why because Sam never had a mean bone in her body. I get it now.”

“What do you get?  I am so lost in this conversation,” Luke says while scratching his dirty blonde hair.  I want to laugh because both of them look as if they have missed the x looking for the treasure on the map.

“Mary-Beth. She has always been jealous of Sam because of your friendship. It was easy, never forced.  Remember when you first met Mary-Beth?  She was a bitch to you.  You never had that relationship with her that you had with Sam.  It’s like fate
made Sam for you.”