Inconsolable (15 page)

I look at the phone, chewing on my fingernail.  Maci doesn’t know that I know that she keeps Freddie, yet.  I’ve known for months.  My Aunt Linda isn’t a great person.  She used to be until my uncle died.  Losing him took the best parts of my Aunt Linda with him.  I type out a response as I make my way down to my car.  I hop in and crank the volume on my radio as I head towards Maci’s. 

An hour later and Maci and Freddie are in the car jamming out with me. I can’t help but laugh when I spend time with them. Maci and I are about six years apart, but I feel like we have more in common than most people with that age difference. She’s been in a few not so great relationships
and I hate that for her because she truly is an amazing girl.  I used to get so angry.  When we were growing up, all the guys in the neighborhood would come running when Maci came to visit.  Once she was gone that was it for the guys, too.  Blonde bombshell to the ugly red-head, I guess I don’t really blame them. 

“So, when are you going to tell me about Blake?”  She asks as we lay our towels out and Freddie walks out to the beach looking for some girls to hang out with that aren’t related to him. 

“Mom should really keep quiet.”

“Girl, don’t even. He tweeted that you were his girlfriend,” she says through laughter.

“Oh,” I look away as I blush.  I forgot I even had a Twitter. 

“He’s cute, you’re going to have beautiful red headed babies, just like you!”

“Um, no babies.”

“Uh huh,” Maci replies as she lays down on her stomach and watches Freddie.  We both stay like this, just laying out, watching the waves come up onto the shore.  I love being able to come here.  It’s a peaceful feeling.  I wish I lived closer to the water sometimes.  It seems to have this calming effect on you.  After what feels like ten minutes, I wake up to someone shaking me. 

“Come on, Anna. It’s been two hours, we better get back. Freddie has orientation for his job.”

“Two hours really?”

“Yeah, I fell asleep too,” Maci replies as she gathers up all her stuff.  We put everything back into my car and head back to Baton Rouge.  After I drop Maci and Freddie off at their house, I take the long way home.  Sometimes I just like riding in my car with the windows down and blaring my radio.  I can’t carry a tune in a bucket, but it’s never stopped me.  I love music, any type.  It helps soothe me and even though I am experiencing a great thing with Blake, my heart is breaking for the relationship I’m losing with Mary-Beth. 

It’s been two weeks since Anna cooked me dinner.  It’s been the greatest two weeks of my life, but it’s getting kind of old driving back and forth to Mississippi.  I wish I could get over my fear of waking up in shock with her, but I still see Kyle around and I don’t want to see that with her.  He isn’t coming around as often as before, but he still likes to pop up when I take a shot or two of Jack.  I have been taking my medication every day and making sure I keep my appointments with Savannah. 

I walk in from my run to my phone ringing on the table.  I look down to see it’s my Dad.

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I was wondering if you and Anna wanted to come to dinner tonight. Your Mother and I would really like to meet her.”

“Oh dad, maybe we can do it next weekend? Anna and I are going out with Jameson and Sam for dinner tonight,” I lie and then pray to God Jameson will agree to it.

“Okay then, next weekend. I’m proud of you, Son.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I reply
before I end the call. I send a quick text to Jameson asking if he’d be okay with dinner tonight, as I walk into my bathroom to shower.

I get out of the shower.  Looking at my phone, I see Jameson’s text
he
will meet us at the restaurant. 
I grab a white polo shirt and some dark jeans.  I throw on my red cap and make my way to the Rover.  I pick up my phone and call my girl.

“Hey babe.”

“Hey, Jameson and Sam wanna go meet for dinner. Is that okay?”

“Um, Sam doesn’t like me.”

“Now, I don’t think that’s true.”

“It is, but I’ll go with you. Jameson is a friend and he’s your best friend. Pick me up from my house?”

“In route now.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I reply as I hang up the phone.  I can’t wait to see my amazing woman.  Maybe tonight I’ll stay with her and I can make love to her. 

An hour later, I pull into Anna’s complex.  I start to get out of the car to go up and get her, but she’s walking out the door.  My jaw literally hits the floor as I see her coming out to my car.  I’m tempted to tell her we aren’t going anywhere, but right back to that bedroom where I can peel each article of clothing off her.  She’s in a pair of red skinny jeans and a loose fitting black sweater type top that’s hanging off her right shoulder, with a red tank top underneath it. 

“You’ll catch flies if you don’t close your mouth,” she says as she walks down the stairs toward me. I walk over to the bottom step and grab her hand.

“You look stunning.”

“I wanted to look good for you. I suppose I achieved that,” she answers back as I kiss her cheek.

“Very much so. Let’s go to dinner.”

“Okay.”

I help her into the car and
we make our way to the restaurant to meet Carter and Sam. We pull in next to Jameson’s Mustang and make our way to the front entrance. I can’t help, but smirk as Anna grabs my hand a little tighter. I don’t understand why she’s acting like this, so I lean down and whisper, “You
look beautiful.  By the way my parents want us to do dinner next weekend.” 

Before she can respond, Jameson and Sam are walking up to us.  I laugh silently as she just kind of stands there staring at me.  She jumps back to attention quickly and turns to address Sam. 

“Sam, you look so pretty.  I really love your hair like that.”  Anna smiles and Sam blushes.

“Thanks Anna.  You look nice, too,” Sam responds and I see her smile start to turn from forced to genuine. 

“Hey Pippi, nice to see you finally got you a good guy to associate with,” Carter says as he pulls her into a hug.  I have to hold back a growl as I see Jameson touch her.  This isn’t like me.  I have never been jealous over anyone.

“UGH! Jameson, you’re such an asshole.  Quit calling me Pippi,” Anna retorts as she punches him in the side. 

“Damn girl.  Who taught you to punch like that?” He asks as she blushes and points at me. 

“What?  Dude, she needs to be able to defend herself.” I laugh.

“Um, I agree but dude, that shit hurt.” Jameson laughs as he walks towards the door to open it for the girls.

~~~~~~~~~~

We are sitting around enjoying a nice dinner and drinks.  Sam and Anna are actually getting along a lot better than I thought they would.  In all honesty, I believe
they could be good friends.  If it weren’t for Mary-Beth being with Jameson, I think they would have been friends too.

We are all sitting there eating our salad and talking when a plate crashes in the distance. I immediately duck and cover under the table. Oh shit, this isn’t good.  I grab hold to the table and just try to let me breathing even out.  I know this doesn’t look good for me, but all I can think about is that damn bomb blowing up and taking everyone away.  I’m shaking under the table, my whole body quivering. 

“It’s okay, Anna.  Just give him a minute.  That crash probably triggered a bad memory for him. Sam, explain please.”  I hear Jameson saying, but it sounds so far away.  I feel someone beside me, but I can’t look up.  My head is in my hands against my knees and I just keep rocking, trying to make myself forget everything.  “Johnson, look at me man.”

“Can’t look up.”

“Blake, it was a dish or something crashing in the kitchen.  We aren’t there anymore man.  It isn’t anything bad,” he says as he puts his hand on my shoulder.  I finally look up to lock eyes with him and feel like such a coward for acting this way. 

“I’m such a fucking pussy.”

“No, you’re not. You are one of the strongest men I know and you will get through this,” Jameson cajoles as he bumps his head against mine. 

“She’s going to leave.  We haven’t even stayed together because I was afraid I’d scare her with my dreams.  Now, I have scared her by being scared of a fucking dish breaking in a kitchen.”  I let out in a tortured groan. 

“Anna isn’t Mary-Beth. She’s a lot tougher than this. If she cares she will stay.”

“I’ll be outside,” I say as I get up from under the table. I avoid eye contact with anyone including Anna. I hear her mumble something and then footsteps behind me, but I don’t wait for her to catch up. I walk outside and to the edge of the building as I light up a cigarette. I inhale the toxins welcoming them into my body. Anna comes and stands in front of me, looking me up and down.

“How long have you been like this, Blake?”

“Like what?” I snap, I instantly feel remorse as I see her cringe and take a step back.

“Never mind.  I’m sorry I asked.” 

“Anna, wait.  I just…  It’s not something I like to talk about.  Okay?”

“Is that why you didn’t stay the night with me that night we watched movies?”

“Yeah. I wake up screaming sometimes. I didn’t want you to see that side of me.”

“Well, I would have been there for you through it. I want to know everything about you. Why you lied to me and kept it from me, I don’t know.”

She gives me a sad smile as I light up another cigarette, looking over when I hear Jameson raising his voice outside with someone.  I look over to see Ms. Jennifer and Mr. Roger standing over there with him. 

“Come on, I’ll take
you home,” I say as I grab Anna’s hand and take her to my car. I open the door helping her inside then
I walk around to the other side. I just flip Kyle off as I see him standing by the car parked beside me. We drive in silence the whole way back to Anna’s and I can’t help but feel like this wall is growing between us more and more. I pull into the apartment complex and put the Rover in park.

“You gonna come in?”

“Not tonight, I think maybe I should just go on home.  We’ve had enough excitement for one night.”

“Oh, okay then,” she replies. The look on her face kills me. It’s the look of someone who’s hurting and I wish I could make it go away, but I can’t. I don’t know how to fix it. I watch her walk up the stairs to her apartment. When I know she is safely inside I jerk the car into reverse.

“She loves you,” I hear and look into my rearview mirror to see Kyle there. 

“Why do you keep coming here? How am I supposed to be able to get over this if
you keep showing up?” I yell at him as he sits in the backseat with his cap turned backwards as always.

“I keep showing up because of you, Blake.  You won’t let me go,” he retorts and I can’t help but stop the car, locking my brakes up in the process.  I whip around in my seat so fast I’m pretty positive I have given myself whiplash. 

“What does that even fucking mean,
Kyle?”

“Exactly what I said. You keep seeing me because you can’t get over losing us all. You feel guilt over it. The sooner you let us all go and try to forgive yourself for defending yourself with those men you killed, the sooner I will leave you alone.”

I shake my head as Kyle disappears yet again.  I text Anna a quick message saying sorry about everything and then make my way home.  I stop by the liquor store and get two bottles of Jack.  If I’m being honest, after tonight I am going to need it.  I pull into my apartment complex and get out to see Uncle Trey waiting there for me.

“Don’t,” I growl out and walk past him, unlocking my door while juggling the two fifths of Jack Daniels in my hands
and slamming the door in his face.

“Open the door, Blake. Don’t turn yourself off. Do this for her.”

I grab the door and jerk it open. “You know nothing about what I’m going through.”

“Oh, I don’t?” He viciously spits out as he pushes me into my apartment and slams the door behind him.  “I believe I do.  I lost two of my brothers in combat, just like you.  I came home, drank myself into oblivion, pounded pussy left and right and I sliced these into my arms,” he says as he pulls up the t-shirt he’s wearing.  “I never knew whether I was coming or going and I didn’t get help until your fucking father found me lying in a puddle of my own vomit drowning to death,” he growls out as he gets into my face.  “So don’t you dare fucking tell me I don’t know what you’re going through because if anyone under-fucking-stands, it’s me.”  He grabs one of the bottles out of my hand and walks into the kitchen as he undoes the top.  He takes a swig of the whiskey before turning it upside down in my sink, letting my precious alcohol drip down the drainpipe.

“You’re a fucking asshole!” I exclaim and rush at him, but he just averts my attempts to get my hands on the whiskey,
slowly pouring out of my bottle and into the sewer for the rats. 

“You’ll thank me later.  Now go take your medicine.  I’ll be in here if you decide you want to talk.  Leave that fucking bottle in here and go take a shower,” he says as he lays out on my couch. 

I let out a huff in response as I walk into my bedroom.  I turn the water on as I slip out of my clothes.  I think about everything that happened tonight and cannot help but feel saddened by how I left things with Anna.  I am going to need to make it up to her.  For tonight I’m going to let it go.  She will call me when she’s ready to talk.  I wash off, ignoring the fact that thinking about Anna has caused the biggest fucking erection I have ever had.  I step out of the shower and throw on a pair of running shorts.  I grab my sneakers, my favorite LSU hoodie and make my way to the living room.  I see Uncle Trey already there with his headphones in.  Fucker.  He’s always known me better than anyone else.