Inconsolable (8 page)

“If you can’t be strong enough for him, then don’t be there.  Don’t and I mean it Mary-Beth, don’t bring me into it.  I will always be here for you if and when you need me.  When it comes to you and Jameson, leave me out of it.”  I grab my purse and storm out of the door.  I wonder if she expected her two closest people to walk out of this door tonight. 

I wake up the next morning to a text from Mary-Beth. 
I left him.  It’s for the best.  I know you’re angry with me and you have every right.  I am a selfish bitch. 
Great, way to throw a pity party Mary-Beth. I grab a pair of yoga pants,
slide them up over my black thong,
then wrap my hair into a ponytail. I haven’t ran in a few years but I think maybe I should start that back up. It’s pretty therapeutic, right?

I run from my apartment to the track about a block over. When I get there I spot Luke. I smile as
he comes around the curve and I run in step with him.

“Haven’t seen you out here in a while,” he huffs as he tries to keep a steady pace, but slows down a little.

“Yeah, I needed it.  Talk to Jameson yet?”       

“No? Something wrong?”

“You, could say that. Mary-Beth text me this morning. Said she left him.”

“What?”  Luke gives me a look that says “did I just hear you right,” then stops completely.

“Yeah, I guess he hasn’t told anyone yet?” 

“Nope, but after what happened last night I’d say he’s better off.”

“You know I had nothing to do with that right?” I put my hand on his arm to make sure he looks at me.

“You didn’t?”

“No! She wanted me to come over there.  I had no clue Jameson was planning all that.  I called her a selfish bitch after he left.” 

“Well, now I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to witness that.” He lets out a chuckle, then nods as he starts to jog again.

“Yeah, well let’s just say I am not her favorite person right now, either.” 

Luke laughs and we run in companionable silence for a few more laps around the track.  He gives me the stop signal and I just shake my head.  I want to run alone for a while.
I wave as he exits the track.  I breathe in and out in unison, trying to clear my head.  For someone who wants to avoid the drama in the world, it surely does tend to find me.  Maybe today I will be able to avoid the aftermath of what happened with Brooklyn.  I don’t really think Garrett is the person she makes him out to be. 

The next morning I wake up with a pounding headache, but I grab my phone and hover over Jameson’s number. I keep getting this feeling that he needs me. He won’t answer the phone and I don’t blame him. I’m probably not a good reminder to him, but I need him to understand he’s all we have left. I owe him more than he knows. I decide it’s time to head on down to Hickory, Louisiana. I grab the keys to the Rover and pop two Tylenol. I really need to find a new coping mechanism. My liver and lungs are really going to hate me with all the toxins I am providing them.

My mom is worried about the binge drinking and the chain smoking, but it helps me dim the pain. There are days when I can’t even get out of bed because of
the fear.  It grips and consumes me.  The other day my neighbor’s picture frame fell off the wall.  I sat in my bed with my head between my legs for two hours reliving my time in Iraq.  I was taken back to when we were all huddled in a house hiding out from the group of men that were searching.  There were bullets flying and people screaming, while we waited for Kyle to take them out. 

Kyle was one of the best snipers we had in our ranks. He could hit anything and that day he definitely didn’t fail. I wish I had been here to go to their funerals, but I stayed back for Carter. Maybe what I need is some closure. I’ll talk to Carter and see if he will go with me to see the guys. I know we could both use that. I hover over Mary-Beth’s number and hit the call button. It is a matter of minutes before she answers.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mary-Beth.  I was just calling to check on Carter.”

“Um, well maybe you should call Jameson. I left this morning,” the phone goes silent as she whispers the last part. Did I hear her correctly? She left him this morning? As in broke up?

“Left this morning?  Are you going back?” 

“No, it’s too much for me to handle.  He’s changed Blake.  I have to go.” 

The line goes dead
as I stare at the wall trying to get the fog to clear so I can understand this. He’s changed? What does she expect? The man lost four of his best friends and his own damn legs. He has been the strongest person I have known and I know Mary-Beth is the only reason he fought so hard to get back. If I was in his shoes, then
I know exactly what I would be doing and that scares me. I can’t lose one more of my friends
and I pray that what I am thinking isn’t what really is. I make my way to the car, keys in hand and start the two hour drive to Hickory. Please God, just don’t let me be too late.

I dial Jameson’s number again,
but he still doesn’t answer. I keep calling, but he just lets it go to voicemail every time. The two hour drive seems to take an eternity and I pray to God that I don’t find my friend with a bullet through his head. I pull up to the townhouse and run to the door, banging on it. I wait and wait praying that I don’t find what I believe I will. After he doesn’t answer I look around and
notice his car isn’t there. I sigh in relief and jump back into the Rover. I call Mrs. Carter and ask her if she’s heard from Jameson and she tells me to look at Lou’s. I ride around town until I spot his Mustang. I pull up next to it and walk down the strip of sidewalk. I see Lou’s and head that way. If I were going through what he is I’d be having a beer. I stop outside of the bar as I hear him having a conversation with a woman and it seems like all he wants to do is piss this poor woman off. I stand by the door for a few minutes just listening. After a few more moments pass I speak up.

“You really are an idiot, you know that Carter?”

“I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job of hiding from you, Johnson,” he says as he tilts the beer bottle and swallows the liquid running out of the neck. 

“Well, your mom gave you up. I overheard everything with you and that girl.” I point in the direction of
the girl that
just walked out the door and look over at the bartender. “Can I get a Bart’s please?” All I want is a fucking beer,
but I know Jameson needs me more than I need my fix. “Dude, quit feeling so sorry for yourself.  The guys wouldn’t want that for either of us. You need to let it go,” I know I’m giving advice I should take myself but he looks like he needs to hear it.

“Let it go? Really, Johnson? I had my legs blown off. You could have been
gone with the rest of them and I cannot stand to think of it,” he responds and stands. He throws a twenty on the bar and storms out or the bar.

“You know, you can barely tell you’re not walking on your own two feet,
Carter. You barely have a limp. Sam was her name, right? She must be some trainer.”

“Why are you here,
Blake?”

“Because, I needed to see my friend. If I can still call you that. You’re all I have left, Jameson. Don’t you get that?” I run my hand through my hair and let out a huff as I continue. “Do you know how many times I wish I had blown up in that fucking blast?  Why couldn’t it have been Jackson that was saved? He was going somewhere in life
and he had a kid at home. I don’t have anything for me here, not a damn thing. I lived and not Jackson,” I let out a shaky breath and try to not let Carter see how affected I am.

“Come on,
Blake. Don’t think like that man. Jackson wouldn’t want that for you. I don’t want that for you. You’re here because you still have things to do and it’s going to happen for you. I mean for crying out loud, Mary-Beth just left me one hell of a letter. She couldn’t even tell me to my face that she was leaving me, dude.”

He walks to his Mustang and climbs into the driver’s seat. I get into the passenger side. Whether he likes it or not, he’s stuck with me today. I watch as the man I always saw as the strongest of us all breaks down and sobs for the things he’s lost. I don’t even realize until later that he isn’t the only one who has tears flowing. This is what we both needed though. I realize now
that I really do need help. Once I climb out of Carter’s car and then make my way to mine, I grab my phone and text Uncle Trey. I see a coffee shop a little ways down from the parking lot and decide I need to get some caffeine instead of Whiskey. I start to walk in
the door when a girl comes barreling into me.

“Oh God! I’m so sorry!” 

I look down into this pair of amazing hazel eyes.  She has a light dusting of freckles over her nose and cheeks and lashes that engulf her beautiful eyes.  Her hair is a darker shade of red than mine and I watch as a blush takes over her cheeks. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

“No, it’s my fault.  I apologize.  Can I buy you another drink?”   

“Um. Sure,” she responds as she looks down. “I’m Anna,” she holds her hand out to me and I shake it. Anna, I like it.

“Hi, I’m Blake.” I turn her around and put my hand on the small of her back and bring her to the counter to order her another drink since the other is laying on the ground outside.

“I’ve never seen you around here.”

“I live about two hours away. I’m here visiting a friend.”

“Oh, well lucky friend.”

Hmmm… is this woman jealous of the friend? “Yeah, his lady just broke up with him in a letter.” 

“JAMESON?”

“Um, yeah.” I look at her with a quizzical expression and she blushes.

“Sorry, um,
who are you?”

“I’m Blake Johnson.”

“Oh god! Wait, you’re the one Jameson saved?” 

Okay, who the hell is this girl?
  “Um, yeah. I am,” I respond and she gives me a sad smile.

“I’m Anna Henderson.  Mary-Beth’s partner in crime.”  She gives me another smile and I know I am hooked.  I want to know more about this Anna Henderson. 

“Well Anna, I’d like to take you out next time I come down.  Would that be okay with you?”   

“Sure,” she says breathlessly. Great. She isn’t unaffected. I think I am going to enjoy my time with Anna. I walk her out the door and she smiles.

“I’m going this way. I work across the street,” she points in the direction of Trendy Kuts and I laugh.

“Hairdresser, should have known.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your hair, it’s styled perfectly. It’s beautiful,
like you,” I chuckle as she blushes again.  I like her blush.  I will make it my goal to see that more often.

“Goodbye Blake,” she sticks a card out towards me and I take it.  She walks off in the direction of the shop and I turn to head to the car. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been three weeks since I went to Hickory. I started seeing Savannah two weeks ago and it is actually really helping me cope more. I haven’t slept with anyone since running into Anna. I really like her and I want to change for her. Sleeping with women
was exactly what Savannah pegged it. A coping mechanism that really wasn’t helping me. I was going to bars and drinking until I was numb, taking a woman home and fucking her until I couldn’t do anything but pass out from exhaustion. Now that I have Anna in the picture,
all of that seems wrong. I still drink until I’m numb and smoke but I am trying to slow that down.

“So, when was the last attack?” Savannah inquires as she holds her notebook.  That’s one thing I hate about coming here.  She has that damn notebook and it makes me feel like an experiment. 

“This morning,” I gulp and take a sip of the water she gave me before we came in.

“What triggered it?”

“Smelled smoke.”

“What happened?”

“I fell to the floor and crawled under the bed.  I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside.  Didn’t last as long this time though.  I was okay after fifteen minutes, then realized it was the neighbor outside burning leaves.” 

“What did you feel after the spell?” She looks up at me over
the glasses she has on
and writes something down. I find it hard to believe that Trey sits on this couch once a month and talks to Savannah.

“I felt like I always do.  I felt like a coward and like I should have been able to see what was coming.  I was the smart one.  I should have known.” 

“We all feel that way when something bad happens,
Blake.  It doesn’t make you a coward.  It makes you human.”

“Yeah, well I wish I could change it.”

“Have you considered going to the guy’s graves? You weren’t able to attend the funerals. Maybe if you do this it will give you some closure. Take Carter with you. Maybe it’s something you two can do it together?” She takes her glasses off,
puts her notebook down and stands up.

“Maybe we can do that.  I just want to be able to live again.  To have a life, have a relationship and not have to worry about scaring the poor woman to death when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.” 

“The right woman will understand though.” She gives me a sad smile and puts her hand on my shoulder. “You are doing so much better than you think,
Blake. Keep talking to me about what you went through and before you know it you’ll be able to live a more normal life. The triggers won’t have as much of an effect on you anymore.”