Intoxicated (31 page)

It had exactly a week since they broke up, but it felt like a lifetime. Every bone in her body ached, as if a part of her inner structure had been ripped away to leave only the hollow broken shell of her former self. She forced herself to get out of bed and take a shower, drink coffee, and read the paper like a normal person might do. Without a job, the day stretched before her like a yawning abyss with nothing to distract her from her loneliness.
 

At first she had been too depressed to do anything but mope around the house and watch sappy movies, but after the first couple of days, she resumed her job search without enthusiasm. The position in Philadelphia was still open so she scheduled an interview and set up flight arrangements. At Jack’s urging, she’d made an appointment to visit her mother before she and Jack had fallen out. Several times she picked up the phone to cancel it but hung up before the call connected. She needed to see her mother, if only to resolve her curiosity and close the door on the part of her life. As ridiculous as it seemed, the reality of sitting next to a woman who had so blatantly rejected her, made her stomach churn and her palms sweat.
 

The heat of summer had come to an early and abrupt end, replaced by a cool grayness and spatters of raindrops that plinked against the window panes. When she opened the door to leave the house, a gust of wind swept blew her bangs down into her eyes and temporarily blinded her. She swept them away with an exasperated hand and found Jack standing on the bottom step. Her heart did a triple back flip. At her look of surprise, he ran a hand through his hair and shrugged.

“I hope I’m not late. You said your appointment was at nine o’clock, right?”
 

“I – I did. I just didn’t expect…” An air of awkwardness hung between them. “Did I miss something? What are you doing here?” The strap of her purse fell off her shoulder; he caught it before it could slide all the way down her arm and tugged it up into place.

“Look, I know things aren’t…good…between us, but I promised to go with you today.” He smiled for the first time, a look tinged with sadness. “I’m still willing to go if you want the company.”

“I don’t know, Jack…” The depth and warmth of his eyes as he studied her sent a tingle straight to her toes. Why did he have to be so freaking gorgeous? It would be much easier to be mean to him if he had a crooked nose or a weak chin. Instead, he was a vision of masculine perfection with an impossibly square jaw, clean shaven for once, and full thick lips that looked soft and inviting.

“You don’t have to talk to me. I can just go along as moral support.”

“This doesn’t change anything, you know.” She forced an expression of indifference, but inside she breathed a sigh of relief. The idea of facing her mother alone brought a panic that made her knees shake and spots swim before her eyes. “I’m still mad at you.”

“You can still be mad at me. I just didn’t want you to go up there alone unless you wanted to. I’m still here for you.” He paused and ran a finger along the curve of her jaw, sending a flood of desire through her veins. “Let me be here for you.”

It was just like the arrogant son-of-a-bitch to do something so sweet that it became impossible to hate him. Perhaps she had been too quick to judge him. Like he had said, everything was black and white to her, but if the past few months had taught her anything, it was that a million shades of gray existed in between.
 

***

Jack sat in the lobby and waited while Ally went in to see her mother. He expected to be bored out of his wits, but there seemed to be some kind of altercation happening in the men’s room that distracted him from boredom. The muffled shouting and banging of a half dozen people inside the restroom made him shift in his seat and cock a wary eye in the direction of the nurses’ station. The matronly woman seemed oblivious to the noise and shot him a reassuring smile before returning her attention to the paperwork on her desk.
 

After about ten minutes, a doctor dressed in green scrubs emerged from the restroom and slumped into a chair next to Jack. He wiped a weary hand across his brow and removed the stethoscope from around his neck.
 

“Whew! I think everything’s under control in there now.” He grinned at Jack. He was an attractive man in his mid-thirties with sandy brown hair and warm brown eyes. “You got any cigarettes? I’m dying for a smoke.”

“Nope,” Jack said. “I quit a few weeks ago, but I still get the craving now and then.”

“Me, too. Sometimes I get the itch so bad I can’t think of anything else. Of course, it helps to be an addictions specialist. Have you tried anything to help with that craving? Chantix and Zyban are good. I could write you a prescription if you like.” The doctor dug into his pocket and pulled out a prescription pad, but before he could put pen to paper the nurse from the station interrupted.

“Mr. Lorry, please leave this nice man alone. I see you’ve stolen Dr. Armantrout’s prescription pad and stethoscope again.” She held out a roughened red hand and Mr. Lorry sighed deeply before relinquishing the goods. “Now back to your room.”

“Sorry,” Mr. Lorry said to Jack with a sheepish grin. “It was good to talk to you. Maybe we can visit longer next time.”

“I’m very sorry, sir,” the nurse said to Jack. “He’s harmless, but lonely. He doesn’t get a lot of visitors.”

“Uh, no problem,” Jack said, straightening in his chair and biting back a smile.
 

Ally followed Dr. Armantrout down the beige corridor to her mother’s room. His rubber-soled shoes squeaked on the linoleum floor as they walked, distracting her from her thoughts. The nauseating odor of antiseptic reminded her of a hospital, but the doors to the rooms were open and the patients flowed back and forth between them like dorm room inhabitants. They stopped to stare at her with unbridled interest as if they hadn’t seen an outside person in a very long time.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to be nervous,” Dr. Armantrout said, noting her unease. “They’re not dangerous. They’re just normal everyday people who have a little more difficulty than most coping with life. Like your mother, most of these people have admitted themselves into treatment.”

“My mother admitted herself?” This tidbit of information caught Ally by surprise.

“Yes. She recognized the signs of a relapse and admitted herself right away. I have to say that I’m very impressed with her desire to get treatment. Most patients are too far removed from reality to recognize what’s in their own best interest.” He paused in front of the last door at the end of the hallway and smiled kindly at her. “I’m so glad you’re here. She has tremendous guilt over leaving you and this will really help in her recovery. Are you ready to go in?”

“I’m not sure how to act.” Ally’s knees began to shake again and her palms to sweat. “I don’t really know her.”

“Just be yourself. Act as you would when you meet any other person.” He smiled again, reassuring and sympathetic. “It will be fine. I’ll be right here outside the door if either of you need me.”

Her mother was seated in a chair facing the window, dressed in a pink sweat suit and wearing felt slippers. Ally caught a glimpse of a long slender neck beneath the light brown hair swept into a bun at the nape and a short straight nose similar to her own. Her mother didn’t turn from the window, but sat starring outside at the drizzle on the windows.

“Why are you here, Ally?” she asked after a long moment. She turned then and Ally was stricken with an unsettling sense of recognition as she stared into a face so like her own that it took her breath away.

“I heard you were here. I wanted to see you…to see if you’re okay.” Ally’s voice came out uneven and shaky. To keep her hands from trembling, she pressed her palms to her thighs as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Of course I’m not okay. I’m in a loony bin for Christ’s sake,” her mother snapped.
 

“Maybe this was a bad idea.” Ally half-rose to her feet.
 

Her mother frowned, but her features softened, and she motioned for Ally to sit again. “No. Please stay.” She bit her lip and cocked her head as her gaze swept over her daughter from head to toe. “You look like me. I didn’t expect that. How old are you now? Twenty?”

“I’m twenty-five,” Ally said and lifted her chin. “I can’t believe you don’t know how old I am.”
 

Her mother’s face lowered, looking abashed. “I lose track of time,” she whispered. “Sometimes a day…sometimes a week…years even. I’m not even sure how old I am today.”

“It’s okay.” Ally felt a rush of sympathy and pity for this stranger. “It doesn’t really matter, I guess.”

“I suppose not.” Her mother turned to face the window again, crossing her arms around her chest, hugging herself. “So…why are you here, Ally?”

Ally took a deep breath and spoke the words she’d been holding back for so long. “I want to know why…why you left me.”

When the visit was over, Ally found Jack sitting in the same chair of the lobby, wedged between two very large middle-aged women dressed in matching purple bathrobes. They were both babbling to him and waving their hands in animated conversation. The look of sheer panic on his face as she approached made her forget the trauma of her mother’s confessions and laugh out loud.

“Do you need a minute to say goodbye to your friends or are you ready to go?” she asked.

“Nope, I’m good.” He jumped to his feet, popping out from between the women like a champagne cork. “Nice to meet you, ladies,” he said to the Barney twins with an elegant bow. He grabbed Ally’s elbow and started toward the exit with such long strides that she had to trot to keep up with him. “Get me the fuck out of here.”

Laughter burst from her lips with such force that it surprised them both. It felt good to laugh. He scowled at her then burst into his own loud guffaw. They climbed into his truck and continued to laugh so hard that tears ran down their cheeks.

“You should’ve seen the look on your face,” Ally said, gasping for air like a landed fish. “I wish I’d had a camera.”

“That whole experience freaked me the fuck out,” he said with a shudder. He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away the tears, and struggled to regain some sense of sobriety. “I hope we never have to come back here again.”

“We won’t,” Ally said and bit her lip. He caught the change in her tone immediately.

“What happened?”

She sighed and looked down into her lap, picking at her fingernails. “Well, I asked her why she left and she said because she never had a reason to stay. That’s it. That’s all the explanation I got.”

“Seriously? That’s not an answer.” Rage welled up inside him on Ally’s behalf. If only her mother knew what a good, sweet person her daughter had become, she would think differently.

“No, it’s not, but it’s all I got.” Ally sighed again. She looked up at him and into him with an intensity that made his toes curl inside his cowboy boots. “And it’s probably all I’ll ever get.”

“And you’re good with that?”
 

“I don’t have a choice, do I? Before I got here, I thought her answer would change my life forever, that it would unlock the secret of my existence, and all my problems would be solved. But then I realized that no matter what she said, nothing was going to change. My past is still my past and it can’t be undone. It’s mine and I might as well own it. It’s what makes me who I am.” She smiled at him, a tiny smile that tugged at his heart, and shrugged.

“How did you get so freaking smart?” he asked in an awed whisper.
 

If he hadn’t known before, he knew then. He was in love with her.

When he pulled into her driveway, they sat in the truck for a minute before she spoke. This was the hard part. She was going to get out of the truck, go into the house, and they would go back to their separate lives without each other. The idea sent him into a panic.

“Thanks for coming with me,” she said a bit shyly. “I don’t think I could’ve handled it by myself.”

“You’re welcome,” he said and struggled to swallow the lump in his throat. “I meant what I said before. I’m here for you. Whatever. Whenever. You only have to ask.”

With a suddenness that took his breath away, she launched across the truck and into his arms. He held her tight against him, savoring the rise and fall of her chest against his as she breathed, stroking the tumble of curls down her back, and murmured words of nonsense into her neck like some love-crazed fool. If only he could make this moment last forever, his life would be complete.

“I hate you,” she said, words muffled against his shoulder. “You selfish bastard.”

“I know,” he replied, feeling the lump in his throat again. “I hate you, too.”

After a minute, she disentangled herself from his grip and sat back on the seat. The windows had begun to fog while the rain beat a pleasant tattoo on the truck’s roof. The cab felt like a warm and safe cocoon from the outside world. He knew that once she opened that door, everything would change.

“I’d ask you inside, but…” Her voice drifted off and she looked away.

“I know.” He let her go and slid back behind the steering wheel. “If I go inside, I’m going to have to make love to you and I don’t want to take advantage of you right now. You’ve been through a lot today and I know that deep down, you’re still mad at me.”