Ever since she’d run away with Mitch and had ended up in Los Angeles, she’d accepted that her taste in men sucked. But now, with Walker in her life, she wondered if that had changed. Had she at last found a good one? A man she could trust to always be there for her?
Because that’s what she wanted—someone she could depend on to stick with her no matter what.
“Y
OU DON
’
T HAVE TO DO THIS
,” Elissa said stubbornly as she locked her front door. “You’re busy. Go run your company.”
“I’m coming,” Walker told her. “You don’t know what’s going to happen.”
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Bobby’s a kid.”
“He’s a guy and he’s eighteen. Anything could happen. You haven’t seen him in a long time. You don’t know anything about him.”
Walker had a point, if only a small one. “Fine. Waste your time pretending to be my bodyguard.”
“It’s my time to waste.”
He led the way to his SUV and held open the passenger door. Zoe and Mrs. Ford had gone to the local senior center for an afternoon of scrapbooking. It was Bring Your Grandchild day.
Elissa was silent until they reached the 405 freeway and headed south. She was meeting Bobby in a coffee shop by Southcenter Mall.
“It’s been a long time,” she said as she looked out the window. “I have no idea what he’ll look like. I was seventeen when I left. He was just a kid. He’ll be practically grown-up by now.”
“You can’t change the past,” Walker told her. “Regrets are a meaningless waste of time.”
“So you never have them?”
“I try not to.”
She was pretty sure everyone had regrets, whether about things done or left undone. If she’d known then what she knew now…
“I’m glad you came along,” she told him. “I don’t think Bobby is dangerous, but it’s nice to have company.”
He gave her a smile that made her insides quiver. What was it about this man that made her want to rip off her clothes and have at it right here in the front seat?
Sure he was good-looking, but that had never moved her before. So why Walker? Was it his strength, both physical and emotional? The way he always seemed to know when she needed a good rescuing? And speaking of that, when, exactly, had she lost the ability to get by on her own?
He mentioned something about one of the restaurants and they talked about work until he pulled up in the parking lot. Suddenly her stomach hurt and she wasn’t sure she could catch her breath.
“I’ve done my best not to think about my family for over five years,” she whispered. “Now that’s not possible. Do you think he’ll recognize me?”
“Have you changed much?”
She shook her head. “My hair is shorter. I used to wear it nearly to my waist. But that’s the only real difference. Well, I’m older, but let’s not talk about that.”
She opened the passenger door and stepped into the parking lot. No strange young men lurked there, so she followed Walker inside.
There was a tall, nice-looking teenager in the foyer. Elissa smiled absently at him, then turned away. It was only his gasp of surprise that had her looking back at him.
“Bobby?” she asked, unable to believe this tall, broad-shouldered kid was her skinny little brother.
“Hey, Elissa.” He tried to smile, but couldn’t quite make it happen. “How are you?”
“Shocked. Wow—you’re so grown-up.”
His eyes were the same,
she thought in amazement. So was his mouth. But his hair was darker and longer, and he was so big. Suddenly she was grateful to have Walker along.
She didn’t know if she should hug him or shake hands. Neither seemed right so she settled for introducing Walker.
Bobby’s eyes widened. “I never thought you’d get married.”
“What? No. We’re just friends. Walker’s here for moral support.”
Just then the hostess walked up and asked if they would like a table. Elissa asked for a quiet one and they were led to a booth in the back. She slid in first, then Walker sat next to her. Bobby was across from them.
The waitress appeared promptly. Bobby got a soda, while she and Walker asked for coffee. When they were alone, Elissa leaned toward her baby brother and studied his face.
“You look so different,” she said.
“You don’t,” he told her. “Just prettier.”
“Very smooth.”
He shrugged. “I mean it. I’ve wondered about you. Ever since you called, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and wondering how you are. I c-couldn’t…”
Elissa was stunned when his voice cracked and tears filled his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Elissa, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was just so mad. When you left…”
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said, not sure why he was so upset. “I’m the one who ran away.”
“I know…It’s just…” He gulped the glass of water the waitress had left. “You know how they always were. With me, I mean.”
She nodded, feeling more confused than anything else. “They loved both of us, Bobby. You had the added advantages of being the boy and being hard-won, but I know they cared about me.”
At least, they had. Before she’d run off and they’d turned their backs on her.
Once again she wondered—would it have made a difference if they’d known she was pregnant? Would they have reconsidered? She was torn between wanting to understand their position and her anger at parents who would leave a child alone on the streets.
“They
did
care,” he said earnestly. “I swear, Elissa. When you ran off, they went crazy. Mom cried for weeks. We put up flyers and offered a reward.”
She winced. This shouldn’t surprise her, yet it did and she felt more than a little guilty for what she’d put them through.
“I didn’t know.”
“It was bad,” he said. “Dad wouldn’t talk and Mom kind of lost it. She went away for a rest. I don’t know what really happened. When she came back, everything was different.”
Went away?
Meaning what? A breakdown? Elissa didn’t know what to think.
“If they were that upset, why didn’t they want to talk to me when I called?”
“It wasn’t like that. Oh, God…” Bobby brushed his hands over his eyes and stared at her. “Elissa, I’m the one. It’s my fault. I never told them you called. When I said I’d talk to them, I lied. I didn’t say anything. I’m sorry,” he added quickly. “I was mad because it was like I didn’t exist anymore. I hated you for what you’d done. But later, I kept thinking about you, all alone, and how you’d wanted to come home and I was the reason you hadn’t.”
Tears poured down his cheeks now. Elissa didn’t know what to think. He hadn’t ever spoken to her parents? They hadn’t known she called? Maybe, just maybe, they hadn’t rejected her.
She felt as if the world had shifted on its axis. All these years she’d alternated between hating her parents and vowing she would show them that she was more than capable, that she had never needed them for anything. All the struggling. Living in the halfway house while getting bigger and bigger with Zoe. Barely making it year after year.
Rage filled her, chilling her body and making it impossible to accept or forgive.
“I was pregnant,” she said flatly. “When I called about coming home, I was pregnant, alone, broke and terrified.”
Bobby dropped his head and began to sob. “Elissa, I’m s-sorry.”
Sorry? He’d changed her life forever and he was sorry? She wanted him punished. She wanted him thrown out and forced to survive the way she had. She wanted blood and…
Walker took her hand in his and squeezed her fingers. “How old was he?” he asked.
Four words. Four simple words that put her world back in place and allowed reason to filter into her brain.
“Thirteen,” she said quietly. “Just thirteen.”
Thirteen and angry and stupid,
she thought as Bobby continued to cry. An angry, stupid boy who had also had massive changes in his life.
She didn’t want to understand. She hated that she could see his side of things, but she did. Which meant she couldn’t hate
him.
Oh, but she hurt inside.
“Do they know now?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I c-couldn’t say anything. I felt so bad about what I did, plus I thought it would hurt them more. They would know they’d missed their chance with you and it was all my fault.”
That sounded a whole lot more like he was covering his own ass than worried about his family.
“I didn’t tell them I’d found you,” he continued. “I didn’t know if you’d want me to.”
Her parents hadn’t rejected her. Her parents didn’t hate her. Maybe they never had. She felt tears in her eyes and a crazy desire to be in her mother’s arms. She wanted to be little again and never grow up.
Nothing was as she thought. All the decisions she’d made were based on something that might not be true.
“I worked all summer so I could hire a detective,” Bobby said, raising his head slightly and looking at her. “I wanted to find you and tell you the truth.”
He looked young and scared—two things she could relate to.
“Are you going to talk to them?” he asked. “They still miss you, Elissa. They don’t talk about you much, but your pictures are everywhere and at Christmas, they always fill your stocking.”
A couple of tears escaped and ran down her cheeks. Walker’s strong hand gave her something to hold on to and she squeezed his fingers as hard as she could.
She remembered her stocking. She’d made one for Zoe that looked just like it.
“My mom’s the one who taught me to sew,” she told Walker. “She could make anything.”
“She would be impressed with what you’re doing now,” he told her.
Maybe,
she thought, considering the possibility for the first time. How odd. Nearly as strange as thinking she might not be alone in the world anymore. That she might have people she could lean on.
Just then the waitress appeared with their drinks. She set them down without saying anything and hurried away. No doubt the display of emotion made her uncomfortable. Elissa knew she wouldn’t want to be serving this table.
“What are you going to do?” Bobby asked tentatively. “Do you want me to tell them?”
“No,” she said slowly as she wiped away the tears. “I need time to think about all this. I guess I’ll go by and see them.” Should she do that? Should she call first? Dropping in on them didn’t seem right, but she wasn’t sure she could figure out what to say on the phone.
“Can you tell me when?” Bobby asked. “I want to be there to tell them what happened. I’m ready for them to know what I did.”
There was something in the way he said the words that made her think he meant it. Part of her crowed that it was about time, while another part of her appreciated his willingness to grow up and accept the consequences.
“Sure,” she said. “I have your cell number. I’ll give you a heads-up when I’m ready to make an appearance.”
He nodded, then swallowed. “I know you hate me, Elissa. I deserve that. But I hope, eventually, we can, you know, be close again.”
“I don’t hate you,” she said reluctantly. “I’m not happy about what you did, but I can almost understand it.”
Tears filled his eyes again. “Thanks. I, ah, wondered. Did you keep the kid?”
For the first time since walking into the diner, she smiled. “Yes, I did. Her name is Zoe. She’s five. Which I guess means you’re an uncle.”
Bobby brightened at the thought. “Yeah? Cool. Can I meet her sometime?”
“Sure.”
Suddenly she felt as if she’d run a marathon. Her body ached and she couldn’t seem to catch her breath. She dug ten dollars out of her jeans’ front pocket and tossed it on the table.
“We have to go,” she told her brother as she released Walker’s hand and slid out of the booth. “I’ll be in touch.”
Bobby scrambled to his feet where he topped her by at least six inches. “You promise?”
She nodded.
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. She resisted the embrace for three heartbeats, then hugged him back.
Walker was silent on the way to the car.
“You have to tell me what you’re thinking,” Elissa said. “I can’t read your mind.”
“I want to beat the crap out of him.”
“I’d probably have to stop you, but I appreciate the support.”
He held open the passenger door. “You really think you could stop me?”
She stared into his dark eyes. “Physically, no. But I could try reason. Or a food bribe.”
“Pie might work.”
She smiled. “That can’t have been pleasant. Thanks for coming with me.”
“You’re welcome. How are you doing?”
“I don’t know. Everything is different. When I woke up this morning, I understood everything about my past and how it made me the person I am. Now that’s all changed. I’m angry and I can’t figure out why or at whom. Everything is different.”
“You’re still who you were before.”
“Maybe. But for how long? I’ve gotten used to being alone. Now I have a family again.”
“Is that a bad thing? You like being with people. Mrs. Ford, your friends from work.”
“That’s different. I chose them.”
As he walked around to his side of the SUV, she wondered if she’d chosen Walker or if he’d chosen her, and if, in the end, it would matter.
W
ALKER MOVED THROUGH
the large space. He wasn’t sure where he was—maybe a ballroom in a hotel. There were so many lights everywhere—lights and noise and the sound of women’s laughter.
He circled the crowd, aware of being out of place. He was thirsty and while there was a glass in his hand, he couldn’t lift it to his mouth and drink. Was it too heavy? No, it was his arm. He couldn’t move his arm.
The lights faded, then blurred. He couldn’t see the edges of the room, only the women. All of them suddenly facing him, staring, pointing. They were angry—he knew that much—but he couldn’t say why.
“I don’t know Ben,” one of them said, and he recognized her from one of his many “Ashley” visits.
“I don’t know Ben,” another said. He remembered her, as well.
Then he realized he knew all of them. He’d spoken to them and they hadn’t been able to help him.
“I don’t know Ben.”
They repeated the words over and over until he thought his head would explode.
“I don’t know Ben. He has no one. No one, not even you. You let him die. It should have been you. It should have been you.”
The voices got louder and louder. He tried to answer, to tell them he already knew it should have been him, but he couldn’t speak. He lashed out, but the women only came closer and closer. Finally he took a step back and then he was falling and falling only to wake up on the hard floor, his heart racing, his body aching and his soul dark and battered from the truth.
It
should
have been him.
E
LISSA PARKED
across the street from the familiar house and looked at the rambling two story where she’d grown up.
There were changes. The once-green siding was now beige. The pine trees flanking the west side of the property had grown even taller and the small Lexus parked in the driveway was nothing like the old Taurus station wagon she remembered.
Maybe she should have called, she thought as she turned off the engine. Maybe it would have been better to give her parents a little warning. The problem was, she hadn’t been able to figure out what to say. Just showing up would be shocking, but it would force a conversation.
She’d called Bobby earlier that morning and he’d told her both her parents planned to be home most of the day. So that was something. She wouldn’t be left standing alone on the front porch.
Knowing she was only wasting time, she pocketed her keys and walked to the front door where she rang the bell. She heard a faint “I’ll get it,” then the door opened and, for the first time in eight years, her mother stood in front of her.
Leslie Towers was just shy of fifty, with highlights in her brown hair and hazel eyes that Bobby had inherited. Elissa noticed a few more lines, but otherwise her mother looked exactly as she remembered her. Only more surprised.
“Hi, Mom,” Elissa said, wishing she hadn’t left her purse locked in her car. Holding it now would give her something to do with her hands. As it was she shoved them in her jeans’ pockets and tried to figure out what she should do next.
Tears filled her mother’s eyes and her mouth trembled. “Elissa?” she asked, her voice wavering. “Elissa, is that really you?”
Elissa nodded.
“Leslie, who is it?” her father asked as he walked through the living room. “I’m not buying any more magazines. We already get too many as it—”
He stopped next to his wife and stared. “Elissa?”
She nodded. “It’s me. A little older—and hopefully wiser.”
Her father, a tall man who wore glasses, reached toward her. “Elissa?” he repeated.
“Oh, Kevin,” her mother breathed. “She’s back.”
Suddenly Elissa found herself pulled into the house and into their embrace. She was hugged and squeezed until she couldn’t breathe, but breath didn’t seem important just then. She closed her eyes and felt as if she’d finally,
finally
come home.
There were tears all around. Elissa hadn’t expected to cry, but there she was. Bobby appeared and joined the group hug, then they separated and there was a moment of awkwardness.
“I don’t know what to say,” her mother admitted, staring at her. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“In the flesh,” Elissa said with a small shrug.
Her parents exchanged a glance as if not sure what to do next. They seemed happy, yet wary, which made Elissa wonder again if she should have phoned ahead and warned them she was coming.
“Let’s go in the kitchen,” her father said.
Her mother nodded, then led the way.
“Sit, sit,” her mother told everyone as she pushed Elissa into a chair at a glass-topped table. “I’m sorry. I’m in shock, I think. I can’t seem to figure out what to do next. Are you all right? Are you hungry?”
“I’m fine,” Elissa said, glancing around. Gone were the tile countertops and the harvest-gold appliances. Now the kitchen counters were dark granite and the ovens and cooktop a gleaming stainless steel. “You remodeled the kitchen.”
“About four years ago. I couldn’t stand scrubbing that awful grout or dealing with the stove anymore.” As she spoke, she pulled out a pitcher of iced tea and several glasses.
Elissa’s father took the seat across from hers and reached for her hands. “How are you really?” he asked.
The contact felt both familiar and strange. She squeezed his fingers. “I’m good, Dad. How are you?”
“Fine. Fine. Still at the bank, of course.”
“Your father’s been made district manager,” her mother said proudly.
“Wow, that’s great, Dad.”
Her mother carried the iced tea glasses to the table. “Come join us,” she told Bobby who hovered in the background.
He reluctantly took the fourth chair.
Elissa accepted a drink, then sipped while everyone stared at her.
There was a surreal combination of old memories and a new situation. She wasn’t sitting in her usual chair. The view was wrong, even discounting the remodel. But she couldn’t remember where she usually sat.
“You’ve grown up,” her father said.
“You’re so pretty,” her mother told her. “You’re all right? Healthy and everything? Do you have a job?”
“I’m good. I’m a waitress and I make jewelry on the side.”
Saying it all aloud made her want to cringe. She’d been raised to believe she would go to college and have a career, not work in a diner and barely get by. Still, she’d survived on her own under difficult circumstances and she refused to apologize for that.
“So you don’t need money?” her father asked.
Elissa stiffened. “No, Dad. I didn’t come here for money or anything. I wanted to get in touch with you.”
“Kevin, don’t,” her mother said. “Elissa’s back. That’s a good thing.”
“I know that,” her father said. “I’m happy. It’s just…” He frowned. “You were gone for so long. We didn’t know what happened to you. Your mother…”
“I missed you,” Leslie said, interrupting him and smiling. “Where do you live now? In Washington?”
Elissa remembered what Bobby had said about her mother having to go away for a rest. Had she had some kind of emotional collapse? Guilt settled in her stomach. If something had happened, Elissa’s disappearance was the reason.
“I live here. In Seattle.”
“Seattle?” Her mother’s mouth trembled. “So close. For how long?”
“A few years now.”
“But you n-never…” Leslie pressed her fingers to her mouth. “I see.”
Elissa’s father released her hand. “You didn’t want to call and let us know you were all right? You didn’t think that was important?”
Bobby swallowed and stood. “That’s my fault.” He cleared his throat. “Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something. I’m really sorry. I know you’re going to be angry and upset and I can’t blame you. What I did was wrong.”
Both their parents stared at him. “This isn’t a good time, Bobby,” Leslie said, her voice shaking. “Not a good time at all.”
Kevin put his hand on her shoulder. “Just relax, Leslie. We’re fine. Everyone is fine.”
Bobby shifted his weight and looked as if he would rather be run over and left for roadkill than speak. “I, ah, I’m the reason Elissa never got in touch with you before.”
As Elissa still didn’t know how she felt about what Bobby had done, she didn’t feel the need to come to his rescue now. She kept quiet while he explained her phoning and what he’d told her.
Her mother turned back to her. “Elissa, no! How could you believe that of us? Of course we wanted to talk to you, have you come home. Do you know what we went through? Do you know how hard it was? How horrible?” She stood and faced her son. “Bobby, why? You saw. How could you have kept this from me?”
She took a step, then gasped and sank back in the chair. Kevin was at her side in an instant.
“Leslie?”
“I’m fine.”
Elissa half rose, then sat down. “Mom, are you all right?”
Her mother gave her a shaky smile. “Of course. This brings back so much. Don’t worry about me.”
The words said all the right things, but the darkness in her eyes told another story. Her leaving had changed everything, Elissa thought unhappily, and not for the better.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m so sorry I ran away. I should have called.”
“You should have come home,” her father snapped.
Elissa stiffened.
“She tried,” Bobby said. “Don’t blame her, blame me.”
His willingness to take all the responsibility surprised her. “It wasn’t just that,” she told her brother. “I shouldn’t have left in the first place.”
“I’m better, Kevin. I’m all right,” her mother said, then patted her husband’s hand. “It was that boy, wasn’t it? The one you were dating.”
“Mitch,” Elissa said. “Yeah, he’s the one I ran away with. We ended up in L.A.”
“I knew it,” her mother said, fighting tears. “I just knew it.”
“We looked in Los Angeles,” her father said. “There were too many kids down there. On the streets, in shelters.”
Elissa hated thinking what they must have gone through. “I wasn’t in either place. I lived with Mitch for a few months. Then we broke up and I got a job with another band.” She decided to gloss over the more sordid aspects of her earlier life. “It turns out I had a great knack for finding cheap accommodations and making other travel arrangements, so that’s what I did. I was paid in cash and usually rented a room in an apartment with a bunch of girls, so there’s no way you could have traced me.”
There was that look again, between her parents. What were they thinking? That she was nothing but a disappointment? That they’d expected no more of her?
“I can’t believe you thought we wouldn’t want to talk to you,” her mother said. “I loved you, Elissa. You were my daughter.”
Elissa did her best not to read too much into the past tense of the words. “I know, Mom. I was young and stupid and…” She almost said
scared,
but quickly changed it. “Confused. I felt a lot of guilt and what Bobby told me actually made sense at the time. Looking back, I know I should have asked more questions.”
Her mother pointed to the empty chair. “Sit down, Bobby. What you did was wrong, but we’ll talk about it later.”
Her brother did as requested, but he looked as if he wished he could disappear. For the first time since hearing his story, Elissa felt compassion for him. What he’d gone through couldn’t have been easy.
“I screwed up big-time,” she said honestly. “I’m so sorry. If I could change what I did, I would.”
Her mother attempted a smile. “It’s all right. You’re home. That’s enough, isn’t it, Kevin?”
Her father nodded slowly, as if he would need more convincing.
Elissa’s throat tightened. Somehow she’d expected open arms and unconditional acceptance. Not questions and a messy past.
Her mother drew in a breath and squared her shoulders. “So, what brought you back to Seattle?”
Interesting question, Elissa thought, not sure how much she wanted to tell her parents. “I got pregnant,” she said, knowing there was no point in hiding that. “That’s why I called home. I was scared…anyway, it all worked out.”
Her mother paled. “You have a baby? I have a grandchild?”
Elissa nodded. “Her name is Zoe. She’s five and about to start kindergarten. She’s wonderful, Mom. Smart and funny and curious about everything.”
“A grandchild? Oh, Kevin.” The tears started again.
“You named her Zoe?” her father asked, his voice a little warmer now.
“After Grandma Zoe.”
“She would have liked that,” he said gruffly.
“Who’s the father?” her mother asked. “I take it you two aren’t together anymore?”
“He’s dead,” she said, knowing there was no point in trying to explain the Neil portion of her life. Sometimes she still didn’t understand it herself.
“But he was a rock singer?” Her father asked the question in the same tone of voice he would use to ask if she recently picked up head lice.
“And a songwriter.” She drew in a deep breath. “I know I made a lot of mistakes. Everyone does—mine just had permanent consequences. But I survived. I have a good life. Zoe and I are happy together. I made it and I guess I owe a lot of that to what you taught me when I was growing up.”
“If you’d respected what we’d taught you—” her father said, but her mother cut him off with a shake of her head.
“What made you come back now?” her mother asked.
Elissa looked her brother. “Bobby hired a private detective to find me. He wanted me to know what he’d done and try to make things right. Once I knew you hadn’t turned your back on me, I wanted to get in touch.”
“Of course we wouldn’t turn our backs on you,” her mother said. “Elissa, you’re our daughter and we love you. We’ll always love you. No matter what.”
Would they? Did they? Then why had the detective who found her been hired by her brother rather than her parents? In L.A. she’d been living off the grid, but in Seattle she had a job, an apartment, credit cards. She wouldn’t have been that hard to track down. Neil did it on a regular basis. But they hadn’t.
She knew in her heart that if something had happened to Zoe, she would never have stopped looking, no matter what. So what had made that different for her parents?
E
LISSA SPENT THE REST
of the afternoon working on her jewelry and thinking about the meeting with her family. While they’d said all the right things and had expressed interest in meeting Zoe, she couldn’t help feeling that something was off.