It's a Guy Thing (12 page)

Yet there tends to be a concrete difference at the human level. The masculine is more able to stand outside of things and point out, “You are in a mood right now. This is just a mood. Remember love. In this moment, there is nothing preventing you. You don’t need this and that. You don’t need anything. Just remember love right now.” This is the masculine gift.

The feminine gift is like the sound of a ringing bell, a reminder of love in life. “Hey, you! You are distracted in your
theories and projects and TV. This is where love is expressed, with me. Right here. I’m here to be loved. I’m here loving you.” The feminine calls the masculine into the beauty of life and the embrace of love.

We need both these gifts. Without the full masculine and feminine, we become weakened. One feminine weakness is to feel,
Unless I’m married, unless I’m in a long-term intimate relationship, I can’t really experience love
. One masculine weakness is to think,
Well, if we get married I can’t be free. I don’t want to limit my life. I don’t want to be trapped
.

When we are balanced with ourselves and in our relationships, we are free to give our love without fearing dependency, loss of self or confinement. We are free
and
we are loving. If our relationship ends tomorrow, fine—today we give each other love. If our relationship lasts a lifetime, fine—today we give each other love.

Why Is So Much Emphasis Placed on a Woman’s Attractiveness?

The masculine and feminine forces of the universe are evident in religious and spiritual archetypes the world over. In Hinduism, as mentioned earlier, the one Divine Being is conceived to have two aspects: Shiva and Shakti, man and woman or masculine and feminine energies. Shakti is the feminine energy.

Shakti attracts Shiva, the masculine form of the Divine, into incarnation. The divine play in Hinduism is the incarnation of the transcendental aspect of the Divine, or the masculine aspect, into life, attracted by the feminine aspect of the Divine.
The story of Jesus is another example of this divine process. Jesus’s play with women, with Mary, was about incarnating as a human. In the book and movie,
The Last Temptation of Christ
, this is portrayed vividly. Since it is told from a patriarchally biased perspective, however, Jesus’s attraction to women is seen as evil. In the Adam and Eve myth also, it is the woman who invites the man with the apple, the fruit, the life.

The feminine attracts the masculine into life and love. That’s the spiritual function, so to speak, of the feminine aspect of the Divine with respect to the masculine: to attract the masculine into life, into love.

You could be whole as a
person
without doing this, but to be whole as a
woman
in emotional and sexual intimacy with a man, you have to be comfortable in the role of attracting the masculine into life and love. Embodying the feminine pole of relationship means to be connected to your heart, breathing love in and out of your whole body, giving and receiving love with your man, and creatively using your energy in a way which attracts the masculine into life, love and relational enjoyment.

The masculine is the opposite, or really the complement, of the feminine. It’s the transcendental aspect of the Divine that is free of the motion of life. The masculine brings insight, perspective and humor when the feminine is lost. When life seems confusing, when you are lost in a mood, it’s the masculine that stands free of confusion, embraces you unconditionally, and says, “I love you.” The masculine penetrates through your shell of emotional closure and opens your heart with passion, playfulness and integrity. The masculine brings you out of the complexity of emotions into the simplicity of love. It is a transcendental awakening into freedom.

The masculine gives the gift of transcendental awakening. The feminine gives the gifts of life energy and love. Together, the two are consummated in transcendental love. In the drama of intimacy, the play of the feminine with respect to the masculine is the attraction of the masculine into life through love. That’s the greatest gift you could give your man.

You might choose not to do that, and that’s fine. You may prefer to give your love in a more neutral, or even masculine, way. However, there is a difference between free choice and suppression. Especially in today’s culture, the whole feminine way of being is suppressed and criticized. It’s very difficult for men and women in our culture to allow themselves to relax in their feminine energy.

In our culture today, feminine attractiveness is sometimes considered suspect. But attraction is a key element of the feminine force. It’s not merely physical attraction, although that’s a part of it. The attractive elements of the feminine force include radiance, sensuality, love, healing, spontaneous delight and creative energy. We all must learn to honor this part of ourselves.

As a woman, the more you are able to allow yourself to relax into your feminine dimension, the more you will attract a man who will reciprocate with his masculine strength. He will be full in his masculine integrity, direction, humor, passion and persistence in love. And he will honor you as an embodiment of the feminine force of the Divine.

7
Dealing with a Difficult Man

Why Do Men Always Blame Women?

To many men, the feminine is a force of distraction and any time a man is not fully living his vision he will blame it on his woman. Men have blamed women for virtually every negative circumstance on Earth, including lack of spiritual growth. In Hindu mythology, for instance, the force of distraction and illusion, Maya, is depicted as a woman.

For many men, women are either glorious goddesses or evil sirens. Women are either the gift of radiance or a distraction. Men can switch from one of these perspectives to the other very quickly. When your man switches from seeing you as a goddess to seeing you as a distraction, it doesn’t feel good.

You will notice that your man typically treats you as one or the other. He will say, “I love you. You are everything.” Or, he will be resentful, “You are distracting me from this. I give my attention to you instead of my work. Leave me alone. You are a burden to me.”

This attitude is not unique to your relationship. Men resent women as distractions universally. Men cannot help, for instance, but be distracted by a radiant woman when she walks into the room. If a group of men are sitting around talking and a radiant woman walks in, things shift—their attention goes to the woman. It’s automatic. They are sexually polarized to her. Even when they are not going to act it out, an energetic sexual attraction and arousal occurs in most men many times a day. So men have an inherent distrust of the feminine—when there is a woman around, they are not going to be able to focus on their job. Their mind will not be clear.

Time and time again, your man will blame you for any lack of clarity he feels. Even if you are totally supportive but
he is not strong enough to live his vision, he will still blame you. He will look at you and imagine he is constrained or compromised by your relationship together. He will resent you. It’s amazing how often this happens.

It’s up to your man to cultivate his masculine energy, becoming strong in his clarity and vision. You can’t help him directly with this process. But you can continue loving and growing. You want to live your life in love, whether you stay with this partner or find a new one. When a man and woman are really committed to the practice of love in intimacy, they can suffer each other’s insults and continue growing.

Why Isn’t My Man More Self-Directed?

Some men have been told all their lives not to tell others what to do. Perhaps their parents inhibited their behavior. Perhaps they observed how family members were hurt by their father’s directiveness. Men like this have a tough time knowing their direction. As soon as they are ready to move they wonder, “Is it safe? Will I still be loved? Am I going to hurt someone?” They live their lives meekly because they don’t allow themselves to incarnate their full masculinity. And that includes a confident sense of direction.

Sometimes a woman inadvertently weakens her man’s masculine energy. For instance, suppose your man is out in the world with his “sword.” He may be trying to make money. He may be absorbed in a creative project. He may be intensely practicing his spiritual exercises. Or he may be lifting weights. Regardless of what he is doing, he is very directed and very purposed.

You feel his attention absorbed in something other than you. You may say, “You are always working. You are always doing this, always doing that.” What he feels is,
She doesn’t like me the way I am, as a man
. He feels as if you are criticizing his masculine energy.

If he feels that you are hurt by his masculine focus, he may suppress his masculine energy to try and give you the attention he thinks you want. But this never works; when he diminishes his masculine energy he also depolarizes the relationship.

When you feel him absorbed in a project, try to gift him with your sensitivity by allowing yourself to feel into his life. Is your man following his heart’s desire? Is he not paying attention to you because he is focused on living his truth, or is he just being selfish? Allow him to follow his truth, but let him know when his selfishness hurts you. Temper his sword with your heart, but do not inadvertently condemn his masculine energy. If he tries to curb his need to follow his vision because he is afraid of your response, he will only weaken his sexual essence.

If your man lacks self-direction, his masculine energy has probably become weakened or suppressed. This suppression may have happened during his childhood, or it may be occurring right now in your relationship. He must find, and align himself with, his own sense of direction. All you can really do for him is be aware of how your communications affect him. Are you empowering his masculine, or do your communications inadvertently cause him to weaken his sense of direction?

Why Do I Attract Lazy Men?

Sometimes your man’s masculine way of focusing on his projects and work hurts you. But at other times you are hurt by his lack of masculine energy. Let’s assume your man lazily watches TV all the time and has no real direction in his life. How did you end up with a man who has so little directional masculine energy?

In most cases, a woman who has strong masculine energy would attract, and be attracted to, a man who has weakened masculine energy. If a more feminine woman got close to him, she wouldn’t feel much masculine strength and probably wouldn’t be attracted to him. However, a woman who possesses strong masculine energy would be attracted to a man with a weak masculine because his masculine energy would not overpower (or interfere, or detract) from her masculine energy.

If you have chosen a man who does not have strong direction, try to examine your unconscious reasons for choosing such a man. Do you want to have your own way? Do you also want to be ravished by a man who loves you? You invite strong masculine love by relaxing in your strong feminine love, trusting your man’s directionality and inviting him into the realm of feeling with an open heart—without giving up your own true direction.