Jordan (Season Two: The Ninth Inning #5) (17 page)

“It’s because he still wants kids and you don’t, right?”

“Yes,” I whisper my answer.

“Let’s play the ‘what if’ game?” Patty leans forward.

“What?”

“I play this game from time-to-time. I’m going to ask you a ‘what if’ question and you’re going to answer it without thinking. Okay?”

I nod.

“What if you can’t have kids anymore, would you still be with Jordan?”

“Yes,” I answer immediately.

“What if Jordan walked in right now and asked you come home, would you?”

“Yes,” my voice cracks.

“Open your eyes.”

I do.

“Heidi, I can’t understand why you’re torturing yourself right now. You have a loving, caring man who’s willing to do anything for you. Have you sat down and talked to him about not having kids until later on?”

“Not in so many words.” I shrug off the question.

“What if Jordan says he’d wait or says he’s fine not having kids, what would you do?”

The hot tear streams down my face.

“Do you think you caused Eden’s death?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“She died as I gave birth to her. She died in
my
body. How can it not be my fault?”

“Heidi,” Patty sits back. “Stillbirths happen for so many reasons. Your very last ultrasound, what happened?”

I thought back to that day. “Um...I told the doctor Eden wasn’t kicking as often and I felt strange, almost like morning sickness but not as severe. He told me not to worry about it, but…” I remember the face of the doctor. “He saw something on the screen, but he never said anything. I didn’t think of it.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. No one knows a true answer on
why
. No one will ever be able to answer it. Not me, Jordan, or you. No one. It’s a horrific tragedy that’s not easy to explain away. You are a great mother. I see it in you. I know a mother is supposed to protect their children and you did. But now you’re punishing yourself, Jordan, your marriage, and everyone else for no reason.”

“There’s a reason,” I snap at her.

“No. The death of a child is atrocious. It’s a pain that never leaves no matter how much therapy you have; however, it’s how you deal with it that ensures you to go on with your life. Jordan needs you as much as you need him.” Patty pauses and taps her finger on her chin. “I’m giving you homework.”

“Homework?”

“Yep. I want you to write a letter to Eden and to Jordan. Then deliver both of them to Jordan.”

“Why?” I’m shocked at what she’s saying. “I’m not good at writing letters.”

Patty giggles. “It doesn’t have to be long. Just write your feelings to Eden and Jordan. Give them to him and see how he reacts.”

“When...when do I have to give them to him?” I’m suddenly very nervous about expressing my feelings in any manner to Jordan.

“Whenever you feel like it’s the right time. It could be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but either way, you need closure and I think this will be a step in the right direction.” Patty smiles, but all I feel is dread building.

I walk into the salon still thinking about Patty’s words. I can’t write letters. Jordan is the best person to express his feelings on paper. I need to push this out of my head right now. Work is what I need now to center myself again. Ever since the convention, we’ve been busting at the seams to keep up with all the new clients.

Kassy is sitting in the small kitchenette eating a sandwich. “Hey, where have you been?”

“Had an appointment this morning. Did I miss anything?”

“Nah. I’m taking a quick break before my afternoon starts.” She takes a large bite.

“Ugh!” I turn my nose. “What the hell are you eating?”

“Tuna on rye,” she says with her mouth still full.

My stomach jumps and I rush to the bathroom as the wave of nausea hits me. I kneel over the toilet bowl and empty the contents of my breakfast into it.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” Skye says from the door.

“Yes,” I mutter. “I think I have food poison or something.” I rise to my feet when I finish with the toilet. I head over to the sink and rinse my mouth out.

“You don’t look well,” Skye observes.

“I’m good. Kassy’s tuna is what triggered it,” I tell her and then I stop. “Tuna,” I whisper. When I was pregnant with Eden, I couldn’t stand the smell of any fish or seafood. For that matter, wine smelled foul to me, too.

“Heidi, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost. What’s wrong?”

My heart is racing. No. It can’t be possible. This isn’t happening to me. “Are you still off this afternoon?”

“Yes.” She nods.

“Can you finish my afternoon? I need to rest.” It’s only a small lie.

“No problem. Do you want me to drive you home?”

“No!” I almost shout. “No, I’ll head home now.” My shaky legs carry me out to my car and in a zombie-like state, I drive to the pharmacy and purchase the one thing I’d never thought I’d ever buy again.

A pregnancy test.

I don’t think I’m even breathing as I walk into my apartment and go straight to the bathroom. I can’t wait till morning to know the truth. When I’m finished, I set the test on the counter, wash my hands, and set the timer on my phone for two minutes.

I’m not able to even think. How could I have been so stupid? I’m not on the pill. Jordan didn’t wear a condom. It’s not like I don’t know where babies come from. I sit on the floor of the bathroom, resting my back on the side of the tub.

If it’s true, what am I going to do? What will Jordan say? Oh, that’s dumb; I know he’ll be over the moon about it, but not me.

Or will I be?

I close my eyes and think of a tiny bundle of joy in my hands. Soft brown eyes like Jordan’s and my sandy blonde hair. I bet she’d be athletic. Jordan talked about coaching Eden’s softball team when she became older. Would he do the same with this baby?

If.
If
there’s a baby. No, there can’t be a baby now or ever.

A shock rolls over me. I can’t have an abortion. Can I? It wouldn’t be fair to Jordan. Can I give the baby to him and walk away? The pain in my heart says I’m a fool and I wouldn’t be able to do that either.

I think of the nights Jordan spent talking to my round belly. He even made me put the phone to my belly when he was on the road. He’s a dork of epic proportions, but he’s an amazing father.

Well, he would have been. No, could be. Shit, what am I doing? I drop my head in my hands and I’m itching to call him. I want to call him so badly, it’s like my soul is humming for him. Like a siren’s call.

The beep on my phone makes me jump. I leap to my feet and grab the test. I squint to see one bright line and a barely there line. I grab the box and read the directions out loud.

“The second line would be a dark blue or light blue. If you can’t read the second line, it’s possible you may not be pregnant, but consult your doctor.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. There isn’t a bright line. It’s negative. I drop to my knees; I should be feeling jubilation, but I am not. I’m sad.

Do I want children with Jordan? Before yes, I did, but now…

I stand, trash the pregnancy test, and go to the small computer desk in my bedroom. I grab a piece of paper and pen.

My dearest Eden,

I’m not good at expressing myself on paper. Your dad is better at this. However, I promised I would and now I am.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry so very much it hurts me daily. There isn’t a day that goes by you’re not on my mind.

What would you look like? I’m sure you would be tall like your daddy and have my attitude. I’m sure Daddy would be spoiling you rotten. I can imagine you on the beach with us, building sandcastles, splashing in the water. I see Daddy showing you the different wrenches for the cars he and Grandpa are building.

When you got older, I would take you shopping and show you how to put on makeup. All the fun girly stuff. Then a boy would come along and your daddy would probably run him off with a baseball bat. I can totally see that. But I would calm him down and the boy would take you out.

Birthday parties.

Learning to ride a bike.

Graduations.

Weddings.

I can see it all in my head, but it’s because of me you’re not here.

Okay, deep down (way deep down), I know there’s a sliver of a chance it’s an act of nature for you to not have survived, but I’m your mother. It’s because of me your daddy and I visit a gravestone, and you aren’t walking around us.

I don’t think I ever told anyone that I wanted to be a mother more than anything. Especially when I met Daddy. I knew we would be amazing parents. Of course, I’d be the cool mom who knew all the hip lingo and Daddy would be the dork we made fun of. Daddy would have just laughed at us and made us laugh harder at his silly ways.

I remember I would ask my parents why I was an only child, but they never really told me why. Would you ask for sibling like I did? I bet you would. And I did want more kids.

Did?

Did.

Oh, sweet baby girl, I don’t know anymore. My train of thought is so off track I don’t think I’ll ever find a straightaway again. When I would get this way before, Daddy would set me straight. It’s the truth. He was always level-headed and smart. He saw the trees through the forest.

It’s why I love him. It’s how I know you would have been the greatest child in the world. Now, you’re our guardian angel, and I will forever love you.

Love,

Mom

I read the letter again and it’s a bunch of my rambling, jumbled thoughts. I’m not eloquent like Jordan. I swipe the tears away as I put the letter into an envelope. I smooth out the next page and take a deep breath. I can do this.

My Jordan,

I’m not going to lie to you. I’m being forced to do this by my therapist. Yes, I’m going to a therapist. I know you suggested I go to one before, but as always, I’m stubborn and hard-headed. Even though I’m still not as bad as you in that department.

However, I want to say things to you. So many and I’m not sure where to start. Maybe if I list them it’ll be easier.

One, I love you. I do. I always have. It’s a different love than when I first said it. Do you remember when I said it? It was after one of our dates, I can’t remember which one, but I was sitting on the hood of my car and you were kissing my neck, and I blurted it out. Do I always blurt stuff out? Don’t answer that, because I know I do. I remember your smile in the moonlight after the words came out. I saw the love in your eyes. I still see it, but there’s pain there too.

Two, I’m the cause of your pain. Why the hell do you want me? Can’t you even see the pain I’ve caused you, us, our families, our life? How can you still love me? Why would you?

Three, you want kids and Jordan, I don’t know if I can deal with the fear of losing another baby. I’m still not over our Eden. I’m never going to be. I don’t know how much more I can explain it to you. If Eden had lived, I would have never left you. So, yes, I am selfish in a way. I ran away from you and threw myself into work and opening a salon in hopes I’d forget you and Eden, but it’s not working. You two are on my mind more and more and it’s like a roller coaster out of control. I need to be grounded and you did that for me. Without you, I’m like a plastic bag in the wind.

I don’t know how to fix us, me, or our life. I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn’t one.

Jordan, you don’t deserve to stop your life because I’m a basket case. I only want you to be happy. You were always happy before all of this. You would smile and crack jokes and be...you. I want you to be
you
again, even if it’s not with me.

I love you, forever and always,

Heidi

I stand by the truck. I’d planned on leaving them on the windshield, but I can’t do it. I want to hand them to him. Patty had been impressed when I told her this morning I would be doing this. I’m shaking like a leaf though. They’re not letters of hope. They’re goodbye letters and I want to do it in person. I’ve run away enough from Jordan.