Judgement Day (11 page)

It began to
dawn on me, “every personal problem, every insecurity, every
emotional problem I had, was given to me by my mother.” My mind was
filled with anger towards her. “She tried to destroy me from birth,
and she thinks she’s won, she thinks I’m going to die soon, she
thinks it’s all over for me. Little does she know that she
underestimated me, little does she know that I’m the Messiah, and
I’m about to take over this world.” I thought about people who got
sick, how I was sick as a baby, I thought about people who died. I
thought about the neighbour Tom, Ken’s best mate who my brother was
named after, and how mum used to make homebrew for Ken and Tom,
“she must have put poison into the homebrew, Ken was lucky.” My
cousin Chris lived with us for a while after his parents moved to
Perth, his girlfriend Katie got cancer, I believed that mum would
have access to low level radiation sources at work. I thought she
had poisoned them, “she poisons people slowly, people just get sick
and no one is any the wiser. Our family were blessed with strong
genes, with a strong immune system, and because she poisons us so
slowly she never succeeded with us. It was the outsiders who died,
we were lucky! She’s a fucking witch, my father always told me she
was a witch! It was she who poisoned my father and made him crazy,
she poisoned me and made me crazy too!” I was furious, “I see you,
you are the Blair Witch, you are the Devil, but you think it’s the
other way around! You think I’m the spawn of Satan, my father’s
son! You blame me for ruining your life by being born, but I am the
Son of God! I am the King of Heaven and Earth, and you have been
trying to kill me from birth! You will pay for this!”

The “truth”
about my mother was horrible, it was the most painful of my
revelations, but The Stage told me it was true. I burned everything
she gave me on a fire, the fumes were so horrible they made me gag
and choke, “the fumes are sickening just like her,” I told myself.
“That horrible, twisted witch, with her poisons and potions!”

Suddenly my
Judgement Day script had a new component, it started with a
satellite smashing into the Whitehouse, then the leaders of the
world dying in a series of freak accidents, then when the media
came to talk to my mother she would race out of the house in a rage
and spontaneously combust, then finally
there would be the most incredible meteor shower
the world has ever seen
! Judgement Day was coming soon, I
knew it, I couldn’t survive much longer, I was getting worse.

I became
crazier and crazier, talking to myself more and more, sleeping less
and less, and I began writing things on my army pants. I wrote
things like “Rogue Deities Rule” (after imagining the Burning Bush
saying “we believe we have a rogue Australian deity on our
hands.”), “Happy Judgement Day,” but my favourite was my drawing of
a peace sign with a huge Rambo knife through it.

I went and
stayed in the caravan at my grandparent’s place (on my father’s
side), quite a few times too. I offered my grandfather George some
money for letting me stay, he told me “what are family for?” I wish
my family was like that. Here were these people that I hadn’t seen
my whole life who were nicer to me than the people who raised me. I
went camping one night with my father, he was talking a lot about
“shadow robot doctors.” He told me that once he took a heap of his
tablets and the shadow robot doctors brought him back to life. I
began to think about the tree of life, and living forever. I
decided that if I was going to devastate the earth, I would want to
flee the scene. I decided that I would create some aliens to pick
me up and take Britney Spears and myself away at the end of the
world, at least until the dust settles. I realised that alien
doctors would have the technology to make me live forever. At that
moment, I saw what looked like a bright star travelling overhead,
“they’re here,” I thought, “I may eat freely from the tree of life
and live forever
.”
In
reality, it was probably just a satellite.

I started
thinking about other things, about The Stage, I started thinking
about all of the jokes God has made, all of the jokes that people
don’t notice. I was getting a lot of fines on the trains during
this time, every time I got on a train I got a fine for something,
it seemed like there were fines everywhere! I was at the Katoomba
Library one day and I looked around me, there were fines for
everything! Fines for skateboarding, fines for smoking, a sign
about fines for breaking water restrictions, the library itself was
about to introduce late fees! Then I saw a joke, thrown in, and no
one noticed it was a joke, a sign about $500 fines for feeding the
pigeons! Can you imagine it?! Some lonely old man getting slapped
with a $500 fine for feeding the pigeons! Whatever happened to just
asking? Is there anything wrong with a sign that simply says,
“please don’t feed the pigeons”?! This is how mad Australia has
become, that you have to threaten people with a massive fine, when
really all you have to do is ask. I thought about the ticket Nazis
on the train, the way they wore grey Nazi SS uniforms! I thought
about Stephen Hawking, the way he’s a robot, he’s God’s toy robot!
Or the Wailing Wall, I thought of Dr Rips and I wrote “talking to
Jews is like talking to a brick wall, I never read my mail either!”
I thought about all the other crazy characters, and all of the
Stage names, and I “realised” something amazing! “God made exactly
the same jokes I would have made! I am the incarnation of God, God
is not a man, but if God were a man, He’d be me!” “I saw the world
through the eyes of God, and I realised that I created
it
!”

“That’s why I
have to eat from the Tree of Life, that’s why I have to live
forever! How often does this happen? Does God create a replica of
Himself on every planet? Maybe He doesn’t. Maybe God needed a world
where people play God, to create a man who is God.” I saw the
script for Earth in my mind, and I realised that the script for
earth was written perfectly, that the human race is the race of
beings that plays God to the extent that they would destroy
themselves, were it not for me of course.
God could have made this world a better place, He
could have made us a peace loving race of beings, but He chose to
create a world that needs saving!

I started
talking in an alien’s voice, and I wrote the script for earth.

“
There is a
legend, a myth. It’s as old as the infinite Universe. They say
there is a place where He will be born, all we know is that it is a
place like no other. Many have dedicated eternity to scouring the
infinite Universe. Searching. Waiting. Hoping. Many times we
thought we found it, but it’s like the legend says, when we find
it, we will know it. We found it… we know it.”

The script for
earth made me laugh so much, imagining aliens searching the
infinite Universe for me, and then finding me, “what a massive
disappointment that would be, ha ha ha! Today the world, tomorrow
the galaxy, and then, maybe in a couple of weeks, the universe! I
am, or rather, I will become the supreme leader of the infinite
Universe! They have been looking for me for a long time!”

Seeing The
Stage was an amazing feeling, I could feel God surrounding me, and
when I looked at the world I could see everyone being moved around
like puppets, like toys, like action figures, all blissfully
unaware that there is someone controlling them. People take their
little lives so seriously, but they don’t understand that it
doesn’t even matter, it’s all just one big joke! Really, the
biggest problem with the world is that people take life, especially
religion, too seriously. The Stage became my sole reason to exist,
I was destitute but I couldn’t stop laughing! I believed that The
Stage is what I should be doing with my life, but instead I am in
human form, living within The Stage. “That’s why I was never
satisfied with life, I was meant to be in charge of an infinite
Universe! I was meant to control The Stage, but instead I was on
earth in human form, how incredibly frustrating! I was born to be
God,” and I wrote “why am I playing man?!”

With my
revelations on The Stage came the revelation that I did not need
God to speak to me, God had already been speaking to me. God had
been speaking to me for years, in the only way He could, by showing
me signs, prophecies and omens. God does speak, I understood,
I finally understood,
God does speak to me, God speaks to me through The Stage! God
cannot defy the laws of physics, the laws of physics that He
Himself Created, but God can and does speak! God speaks to me and
to all of us through signs and coincidences!

Things were
getting worse for me, my mind was drifting further and further from
reality… but then I didn’t know, maybe I was becoming more and more
in touch with my true self, with my true being. Perhaps the
medication had been keeping my true personality suppressed. I knew
that I needed the more level headed version of myself to write my
theories, but The Leader, who I was now becoming permanently, I
believed that now I had done all the hard work it was his turn to
take over. This is the nature of madness, you never know where
reality ends and fantasy begins.

I can tell you
that my mother isn’t the Devil, and that she never poisoned anyone,
she was just a bit of a bitch to me, when I most needed her help
she pushed me away.
Maybe mum
and Ken could have been nicer to me when I was having a hard time.
Say what you like about that, but we are all a product of our
upbringing. I'm happy with the way I turned out, so is God, they
were the ones I needed to raise me right.
The poisoning I
know to be false,
that was
completely insane,
the rest of my beliefs are debatable.
What I can't tell you is “who”
I am, but honestly, I don’t think it matters anyway. It’s like
Christians, they get so caught up about who Jesus was in relation
to God, when that doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter whether
Jesus was God, the Son of God, a prophet, just some guy, or as I'm
inclined to believe, my worthless half-brother, ha ha ha! It
doesn't matter, none of that shit matters, so don't even bother
debating it.

I started to
think about
it though
,
if I was God, then everything that has ever happened, in all of
human history, I did it. My mind turned to the Holocaust, I looked
for a reason, and I found it, Dr Rips! “You stupid cunt! You did
the Holocaust! If you had just listened to me, six million Jews
never would have died!” I went to the internet café to tell him my
revelation and a book on the shelf caught my eye, it was called
‘The Land God’s Anger Made,’ and it had a swastika on the front.
“You stupid, stupid cunt! Why couldn’t you have just listened to
me?!” I was furious with Dr
Rips!

I went camping
again that night, by this time I had nothing left, I’d burned
everything my mother gave me, this included my blanket, my shoes,
my jacket, my underpants. I slept that night on a sandbank at the
end of Blue Pool. I tried to burn my Bible, but I couldn’t do it, I
didn’t have the heart. I tried to drown it, but it was water proof,
so I rolled it up and buried it in the sand. I wrote messages with
a smouldering piece of wood on a fallen log. I drew a swastika, and
I wrote “R.I.P Dr Rips.” I was so cold that night without a jacket,
long pants, or a blanket, and I kept stepping on hot coals trying
to stay close to the fire. I became sick and vomited from drinking
the river water. It rained on me that night too, it was horrible. I
felt like I was dead, or dying. I thought about my ghost being
heard as people pass by the billabong and they see the evidence
that I was there
.
I
t was the end for me. I
called that night ‘Easter II – The Sequel
,
’ and I wrote that on the log too. Burying
my Bible in the sand was very symbolic, “no more” I was saying.
“The Leader was right all along, we d
o
n’t need that stupid fucking book anymore,
I'm
here!” The Leader
always wanted to bury the Bible, but I needed to figure out how.
Now that I had my revelation about the knowledge of good &
evil, now that I had discovered The Stage, the Bible had become
redundant. “Fuck the Jews, fuck the Christians, fuck the Muslims, I
don’t need any of you cunts! My God Created your gods as fictional
characters!” When the Sun came up I had a burst of energy, like a
second wind. I entered the bush as a dying Michael Spears, but I
buried Michael Spears along with the Bible. I left the bush reborn
as The Leader, I left the bush as God incarnate. Or so I
thought
, the truth is that I
was nearing the end, I couldn't go on like this much longer. I
needed sleep more than anything else. I was deliriously tired, but
I couldn't sleep, I also needed a roof over my head.

What I
appreciated the most during my days of delirium were those small
acts of kindness. Those times when people treated me like a real
human being, even though I was destitute. The most horrible people
I met during these days were when I decided to try sleeping in
Sydney one time. I was on the train, listening to a portable radio
my father had given me, I was listening out for news of Judgement
Day. There were three 16 year old girls, they were going on about
their glamorous lifestyles as prostitutes, and one of them grabbed
my radio out of my hand and snapped the aerial off. I couldn’t
believe it, what kind of people were these? It was just such a
rotten thing to do. I didn’t like sleeping in Sydney, I gave it a
try but it was depressing, camping in the bush was much more
fun.

One day I was
sitting at Blaxland station, with all of my belongings as usual,
and a nice young lady started talking to me. She said her name was
Rosemary, which I thought was ironic, but I didn’t say anything. I
had no idea why this girl wanted to talk to me, I didn’t understand
it, and she asked me for my email address, which I gave. I never
did hear from her, but it was just so amazing to have the attention
of someone so nice, when I was so broken.