Judgement Day (13 page)

I tried to get
more money for us, technically I still had my casual job at Coles,
so I rang them up and went in for a shift at work. When I got home
Kristy told me she’d been raped, that someone followed her home and
raped her in the kitchen. I knew it was bullshit, that she was just
angry about me being at work and not by her side like I always was,
but we went to the police anyway. The police could tell it was
bullshit too, and after sitting with them for a while they let us
go home. Months later Kristy confessed to me, she told me she was
“spiritually raped,” she told me she was in the kitchen and she
felt herself being bent over the stove and “spiritually raped.”
Fucking ridiculous, I just wasn’t able to leave her sight, except
to walk over to the shops and get a handful of chocolate liquorice
logs for her, even then the first thing she’d ask when I got back
five minutes later was “did you cheat?”

Kristy started
smoking pot, which in a way was good, because when she smoked pot
she was peaceful, she was quiet, I think the voices in her head
stopped. But when she ran out, that was when I would get kicked out
again. When I got kicked out I would either go camping, or go and
stay at my grandparent’s place in the caravan around the side of
the house. Pretty soon Kristy would call me, begging me to come
back, and I would consider my options, either have nowhere to live
or go back to Kristy. I also felt bad, I’ve never been very good at
breaking up with women, because I don’t like hurting people’s
feelings, and if she rang me up crying I would come back.

Even though
Kristy smoked pot all the time, it wasn’t often I would smoke it.
When I did smoke pot I would change personalities and, because I
was in such a horrible place in my life, I would feel broken and
defeated, but no less powerful than before. I would just feel lost,
like I didn’t know what to do next, and I’d be confused about who I
am. I would tell Kristy how powerful I am and she’d just smile a
stoned smile.

When we took
speed it was always a bit intense. We would be up all night and
Kristy would have me rearranging the furniture in the flat (at
fucking 3am!). One morning after being on speed all night was
particularly horrible. It was about midday the next day, we’d been
up all night and I broke the cardinal rule, I tried to go to sleep
before her. I was laying on the lounge with my eyes closed and I
woke to the sound of a plate smashing on the concrete wall just
above my head, she’d thrown it from across the room. Then she
grabbed a lamp, smashed the light globe and came charging towards
me in an attempt to electrocute me. Luckily as she moved across the
room with the lamp in hand, the plug came out of the power point. I
told a social worker at the community health centre about it and
everything else that had been going on, she told me I was in a
domestic violent relationship, which made sense to me, but I didn’t
know that men could be the victims of domestic violence.

Ecstasy was
much more fun. Ecstasy had an unusual effect on me, it seemed to
clear up my mind. It was like there was a thick cloud of fog in my
mind. My mind still is like that a little, but when I took ecstasy
it was like the fog lifted, I kept saying “I feel normal, this is
weird.” I really do believe that the antipsychotic effects of
ecstasy should be further investigated, the clarity of mind I felt
on ecstasy was amazing.

I got Kristy
pregnant one night while we were on ecstasy. Probably a couple of
weeks later Kristy was waking up in the morning and throwing up, it
was horrible. I stood there helpless, not knowing what to do. I
knew she was pregnant and I was scared, she took a pregnancy test
and it was confirmed. I did this to her, I couldn’t escape the
guilt, I did this. We talked about whether we were going to have
the baby. We were going to have it, even though I knew I couldn’t
handle it, and I knew I didn’t want it, but I didn’t want to tell
Kristy what to do. Then Kristy finally made her decision and she
had an abortion. It was horrible, I could have talked her out of it
if I wanted to, but I didn’t want a child with her. I spent a lot
of time trying to work out whether having an abortion was evil or
not, but I didn’t know, and we went to the abortion clinic.

While we were
at the clinic I saw the name of the doctor on the statement, Dr J
Burgess. In Team Tron we used to call each other “Burgess” when
someone was pissed off. It came from “Baby” John Burgess. When he
hosted ‘Catch Phrase,’ and someone would give a stupid answer, he
would pull this face and do a fake laugh, but you could tell how
pissed off he really was with the stupid answer. When I saw the
name of the doctor, J Burgess, I knew that God was pissed off with
me. That was the last message I received from God for years. He
stopped speaking to me for a long time after that, i
t took a long time before He called me
back. When I look back on it now, I that know the abortion is the
worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, but at least I know where
God stands on the issue. I can’t tell people not to have abortions,
but I can tell people not to take the decision lightly. God can
forgive you like He forgave me, but He will be pissed
off.

I
t was about this time that I saw
Britney Spears had given birth to her first child, it was on the
cover of a magazine I saw when I walked past a newsagency. I was
heartbroken, I could deal with her being married, but when I read
she had given birth to a child I knew it was over. I lost, it hurt
and it hurt a lot. “Was I really going to be stuck with Kristy
forever?” “Was I really going to be a loser forever?” “Where did I
go wrong?” “Why didn’t God come for me?” “What happened to me?” It
was over, I was never going to take over the world, and I was never
going to be with Britney Spears.
God had abandoned me when I was out in the bush, and I was
realising it. It was over, my mission was a failure.

Over time the
thoughts about my mum poisoning people began to fade, I realised I
was wrong, and we slowly started talking again. Life with Kristy
was torture. I thought about killing myself a lot, I decided that
the way I would do it is electrocution in the bathtub. I was a
broken and defeated man, I thought it was the end for me, but I
could never kill myself, I could never truly give up. The last time
Kristy kicked me out I grabbed a heap of my pills and swallowed
them. I was on Risperdal 2mg after I came out of the hospital, I
swallowed about a dozen of them, then I stopped myself. I knew that
if I took any more I really would die. Then a state of panic came
over me, I ran to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat,
trying to vomit out all the pills I just swallowed, but I couldn’t
make myself vomit. Then I started to chill out and accept my fate.
“If I die, I die,” but I didn’t take enough pills anyway. I rang
mum and went over to her place where I just slept on the lounge all
day, the next day I woke up feeling better. Mum told me I could
stay with them until I found somewhere else to go. Finally I was
free from my white trash hell.

In the years that followed I slowly began
to put the pieces of
my
life back together. I may have failed on my first attempt to save
the world, but I’m still here, I’m still working on it. God will
call me back, I know it, and when He does I’ll be ready for Him.
I’ll know what to say and what to do, and I’ll know what not to say
and what not to do. God has called me back, I’ve seen Him, and this
time I’ll get it right. He came back slowly at first, but now I see
Him everywhere again. I won’t bore you with every detail of my
life, but I’ll tell you how I still continue to follow The Stage,
and how I see God putting ideas in my head without me realising it.
This is not some cosmic joke, God didn’t lie to me. They don’t
write ancient prophecies about losers. I wasn’t born to fail, I
just had more learning to do, this time I’m ready, or I hope I am.
So I’ll skip the rest of my life’s story and I’ll tell you how it
ends. I’ll tell you how following God and The Stage has brought me
here, to this place and time, living in a tent at a beach in
Tasmania, and saving the world once again.

Back to
Contents

The End Of The Road

“
We are all in the gutter,

But some of us are looking
at the stars.”

(
Oscar Wilde
)

My life really began to improve
when
I moved to
Katoomba, my life started to take on a semblance of normality.
There were ups and downs, friends and girlfriends, but Emma was the
one for me, we were together for five years. Emma also had a
daughter, Alex, when we met she was 5, by the time we parted ways
I’d been helping to raise her for half of her life.

Emma and Ale
x were the first real family I’d ever had. They
were the best five years of my life. One thing that always bothered
me about my relationship with Emma is that there were no signs, God
never told me that I should be with her. Maybe that seems silly to
you, but it was important to me. However, although there were never
any signs that we were meant to be together, I did see Him help us
out from time to time.

The best example was
when Emma wanted to go to England to visit
her friend. I had no idea how I was going to afford it, but I won
$8000 playing blackjack at the casino, the biggest win I’ve ever
had in my life. I proposed to Emma on that trip, I proposed in the
catacombs beneath Paris, at the love heart made from skulls. When
we got back to Sydney airport a man who had bought too much alcohol
gave us an expensive bottle of champagne, I felt like it was a
congratulations on our engagement.

Our relationship fell apart for two
reasons. Firstly
, the
wedding plans got out of control, we couldn’t afford the wedding
and had to cancel it. Secondly, I’m a gambler, I always have been,
so I was secretly gambling trying to win the money to pay for this
wedding and Emma found out. It’s pretty hard to recover from the
cancelling of your wedding. It’s a stupid reason to break up, but
we broke up because of money, there just wasn’t enough of it. The
idea of getting married to Emma was difficult for me, maybe you
think I'm crazy, but I’ve always believed that one day I’ll marry
Britney Spears. I had to talk to myself seriously, I had to tell
myself, “Mick, it’s been how many years now? How long are you going
to hang on to this Britney Spears fantasy? Are you really going to
let this get in the way of a real future?” So it was hard for me to
commit to Emma in the first place, it took a lot, so when it all
fell apart that was it for me. No more, never again. Although I
miss them both, the fact is that were we really meant to be
together, we would still be together. I regret nothing in my life,
because I know that everything happens for a reason. We are all the
products of our past, and I know that I am exactly the man I am
supposed to be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even
though sometimes I may not know why I am here.

After Emma I told myself “no more
women
for three months”
and “no more women with children, definitely no more women with
children.” We will always be friends, but we’ve both moved on, it’s
Alex that I can't forget. People don't understand that, they think
I’m a paedophile or something if I tell them that, but I spent five
years raising her and now I’ve got nothing. I could break up with
another woman, I couldn’t lose another child.

I didn’
t last long though. Three weeks it must have been and I met
a woman called Anita. Anita I did receive a lot of signs about. I’d
never seen so many signs around a woman before. The more we talked,
the more we learned about each other, the more signs we found. For
example, our mothers are both called “Rosie,” we both played the
tuba when we were younger, we both had a cat called “Kitty,” these
are just a few but there were many. The more we talked, the more
God seemed to be telling me that we were meant to be together. We
had a lot in common and we got along really well
together.

I didn’
t want to get involved with a woman again, and not a woman
with a son, and definitely not so soon after Emma. God told me I
should be with her, and I trusted Him. I had a lot of fun with
Anita, she really is a great girl, but my problem with Anita was
that she wouldn’t socialise with anyone else. I couldn’t talk to
Emma and Alex anymore either. I had to choose between Anita and
everyone else who meant anything to me, but I trusted God. I
believe in The Stage, and I will always follow the signs. It is not
for me to question the wisdom of the infinite Creator of the
Universe. People have never understood that about me, my life is
not my own, I live my life for my God, and if God tells me where I
need to be I will follow Him to the ends of the earth, no matter
the cost to myself. No one understands that, they have never seen
The Stage. I don’t ask “why,” I just do as I’m told. So I thought
that we were meant to be together, because we did have a lot of
good times together, and the signs were there too, but it’s like I
always say, “the signs point the way but they never tell you the
destination.”

I’
d still worked on my theories, and my religion, over the
years. Progress was slow, I studied astrophysics for a while, but I
lost interest after a Professor told me my theory was just like
some crazy shit you read on the internet “only better.” I realised
I was wasting my time with astrophysics. Those people worship
Einstein. No matter what I did I would never convince them. I also
worked on my theory after Emma bought me a copy of Einstein’s
theory of Special and General Relativity. Can you believe I’d still
never even read Einstein? So I did read Einstein, and it was really
helpful. We had a class on the theory of Relativity when I studied
astrophysics, I found it quite easy, all I had to do was use my
theory with Einstein’s equations and I got the right answers, but
I’d still never actually read the whole thing. When Emma bought me
that book I found that I could poke a lot of holes in his theory
and use Einstein’s own words against him, and I rewrote my theory
again.