Authors: Karl Pilkington
I
l
i
k
e to t
h
in
k
o
f
wa
y
s o
f
c
h
an
g
in
g
t
h
in
g
s
f
or t
h
e
b
etter, an
d
I’ve
h
a
d
a
f
ew
g
oo
d
i
d
eas over t
h
e
y
ears. One
b
ein
g
a cli
pp
able mat. It cli
p
s to the bottom of
y
our cu
p
or mu
g
and saves you having to use saucers or having to worry about
wh
ere you can put your
h
ot
d
rin
k
. Most peop
l
e I’ve to
ld
t
h
in
k
t
h
is is a
g
oo
d
i
d
ea. Me mam sai
d
s
h
e’
d
b
u
y
a cou
pl
e,
b
ut me
d
a
d
sai
d
s
h
e isn’t a
g
reat
g
ui
d
e as to w
h
et
h
er or not something is needed, as she buys all sorts of tat. Recent items being the gnome that whistles as you walk past it an
d
a si
l
ent win
d
c
h
ime
f
or
p
eo
pl
e w
h
o
l
i
k
e t
h
e
g
ar
d
en
o
rnament
b
ut can
d
o wit
h
out t
h
e noise. It’s o
dd
h
ow some t
h
in
g
s catc
h
on an
d
ot
h
ers
d
on’t. I saw a tie wit
h
p
oc
k
ets,
w
hich I thou
g
ht was a saleable desi
g
n. I’ve never unde
r
stood the purpose of the tie, and I thought this idea gave it one. Scarves are okay and have a job to do. Pants, vests,
h
ats
,
soc
k
s an
d
s
h
oes a
ll
ma
k
e sense to me. Braces are a
b
it
odd
b
ut at
l
east t
h
e
y
d
o somet
h
in
g
. But ties – I
d
on’t
k
now how the
y
ever cau
g
ht on. It’s the “
g
arnish” of clothin
g
.
S
o I thought the tie-with-pockets idea would fly off the s
h
e
l
ves. T
h
ere were various-size
d
poc
k
ets on t
h
e
b
ac
k
o
f
it:
pl
aces
f
or cre
d
it car
d
s, s
p
are c
h
an
g
e,
k
e
y
s an
d
s
h
o
pp
in
g
l
ists. I
d
on’t
l
i
k
e to use a
b
a
g
as t
h
e
y
are eas
y
to
p
ut
d
own and forget, whereas a tie never leaves your neck. For people
w
ho carry a lot of stuff, I thought the same idea could be a
d
a
p
te
d
f
or scarves.
A
s it
h
a
pp
ens, no one care
d
f
or t
h
e i
d
ea an
d
I’ve never seen an
y
one wearin
g
one. Weir
d
innit.
So, time, which wa
y
should I chan
g
e it? Peo
p
le alwa
y
s seem to be busy and complaining there isn’t enough time
o
r saying “In a minute!” w
h
enever as
k
e
d
to
d
o somet
h
ing,
b
ut I t
h
in
k
we’ve
g
ot more
f
ree time in t
h
is countr
y
t
h
an
e
ver
b
e
f
ore. Evi
d
ence o
f
t
h
is is
h
ow son
g
s are now a
l
ot
l
onger than they used to be. In the 50s and 60s, songs used to only be around two minutes long, but now on ave
r
a
g
e t
h
e
y
’re aroun
d
f
our minutes, w
h
ic
h
p
roves
p
eo
pl
e
h
ave
more
f
ree time. T
h
en t
h
ere’s t
h
e “a
ll
-
d
ay
b
rea
kf
ast” we’ve starte
d
b
ein
g
o
ff
ere
d
, w
h
ic
h
I t
h
in
k
d
oesn’t
h
e
lp
p
ro
g
ress
–
it
j
ust encoura
g
es
p
eo
p
le to slee
p
in. I went on holida
y
to the Canary Islands and if you weren’t up and in the canteen
f
or breakfast by 9 am, you didn’t get any. Maybe that’s why t
h
e
y
h
ave siestas over t
h
ere
.
So,
h
ere’s m
y
p
ro
p
osa
l
. I’m t
h
in
k
in
g
t
h
at
y
ears are too
l
on
g
– 365 da
y
s should be taken down to about 200. This
w
ill cheer people up as birthdays and Christmases will
come around sooner. It will also have the knock-on ef
f
ect o
f
ma
k
in
g
p
eo
pl
e
l
ive
l
on
g
er. News wi
ll
b
ecome o
ld
e
r
q
uic
k
er, an
d
seein
g
as time is a
g
reat
h
ea
l
er, t
h
in
g
s wi
ll
b
e healed quicker. Kids will also age quicker, which will make them mature quicker. The change means there will
b
e
f
ewer mont
h
s – on
ly
six to a
y
ear, startin
g
wit
h
Decem
b
er (I’
ll
h
ave to
k
ee
p
J
esus’s
b
irt
hd
a
y
as
y
ou can’t mess
w
ith reli
g
ion or it would cause a riot) and endin
g
with Ma
y
(
keeping Easter, so fat people and kids are still happy). I’m
n
ot too worrie
d
a
b
out t
h
e seasons, as since g
l
o
b
a
l
warming
b
e
g
an, t
h
e weat
h
er seems to
d
o w
h
at it wants an
y
wa
y
. Eac
h
mont
h
wi
ll
h
ave 4 wee
k
s, an
d
I’
d
a
dd
an extra
d
a
y
to the week so that people work six and are off for two. This
w
ould increase productivity, making up for the lost days in t
h
e s
h
orter
y
ear,
b
ut
p
eo
pl
e s
h
ou
ld
n’t moan as t
h
eir
h
o
l
i
d
a
y
s
w
i
ll
come aroun
d
sooner. Crimina
l
s wi
ll
b
e put o
ff
crime, as w
h
at was a 10-
y
ear sentence wou
ld
now
b
ecome an 18-
y
ear sentence, which, even thou
g
h it’s the same len
g
th o
f
time, would seem longer mentally. This would work the same way with ill people: when the doctor tell’s them they
o
n
ly
h
ave two
y
ears to
l
ive, t
h
e new s
y
stem wou
ld
mean t
h
e
y
h
ave over
f
our
y
ears, w
h
ic
h
I t
h
in
k
wou
ld
c
h
eer t
h
em u
p
.