Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (28 page)

“Benji and I never had sex, Blaire.”

“You can stop with the lies. I know, so just leave me alone.”

She refuses to leave though. Instead, she gets closer. “No, you don’t know. You might think you do, but you have no clue. Your brother and I were never anything more than friends.” She exhales loudly. “Look at me, Blaire. Tell me if I’m lying.”

Taking a breath to calm the roar in my head, I look up and see the tears in her eyes.

“I’d never… ever… abort my child. Do you understand me?
Never.
” She wipes her cheek and comes closer. “If something had happened between Benji and me, and we did get pregnant, I’d have loved that baby for the rest of my life, Blaire. But it never…
ever
happened.”

“I saw the kiss, Trudy.”
My tone is vehement.

“What kiss?” she asks in confusion.

“That night. When the guys grabbed you and Benji cleaned you up in Janet’s office. I walked in while you two were kissing.”

Her eyes widen as the memory surfaces but she never loses eye contact. “Blaire. Are you sure you saw us kissing, because I pushed him off. He only kissed me for a second. I didn’t see him that way. And I told him that I was, and still am, in love with Jax.” Her stare is unwavering as she watches me. No ticks or flinches take place. No pupil expansion. A sinking feeling enters my gut with the knowledge that she’s telling the truth.

Confusion and disbelief have my head spinning. “What? The baby though. He said the baby’s no more. He couldn’t save it. That you moved on. That he was too late. He was so upset after that kiss. He left for a few days, and when he came back, he wasn’t the same.” I remember that night. The words. The slurring after he shot up. “I don’t understand.”

Her face starts to crumble with grief. “Blaire. Before I came to Mobile, I had a baby. He passed away. That night in Janet’s office, I told your brother about it.”

My chest tightens and panic sets in. I can’t breathe. “I need some air,” I whisper before leaving the room. Dazed, I bypass everyone and everything.
What do I do? What do I believe?
Confusion over what I believed morphs with what I just learned. What was once black and white is now so foggy.

If she’s telling the truth, then lies of my own making have ruined me. I believed them and let them fester into such hatred that I’m not sure it can be fixed. For a whole year, I’ve thought the worst and wanted revenge. I was going to break her like she broke me. I was willing to ruin lives as some form of justice.
And for what?
Because I listened to the half sentences of my brother while he was so high and out of his mind?

Eyes cast down, I continue on my way. Soon my vision blurs, but I refuse to stop. I don’t want people to see me. If I listen to my gut, then all this hatred I’ve had for her was for no reason. Why was I so stupid? Not once did I think of his state of mind. Not once. My mind is so fucking muddled and my emotions are on a thin wire. Breaking is all I want to do. Break into a million pieces until this sadness, hatred, and guilt is buried in the ground.

When I reach the lobby, my feelings aren’t resolved, so I continue to walk until I can’t walk any more. Then I break, not caring who passes me. I don’t know how long it’s been or how long I’ve been gone, but when I return to Janet’s side, I’m alone. Trudy left the bag she brought earlier, so I dig for something to eat. I pick out a bag of Doritos and a bottled water. When I reach inside for a sandwich, my hand touches the metal of a spiral binder. Curious, I take it out and inspect the cover, worn with scratches and ink marks.

Just as I sink back in my chair, a nurse tells me visiting hours are over so I pack everything up and leave. As I walk down the hall, my eyes land on Lyric sitting in the waiting room. His presence is like a salve to my wrecked and broken soul. Whenever I believe no one will be there, at my darkest point, he always shows up. I watch him from the other side of the glass and feel so grateful. My raw emotions have tears building along my lids, but these aren’t like the ones from earlier. These are happy ones, relieved that I don’t have to be alone anymore. He’s my happy ending when I believed fairytales weren’t for the damaged. But he’s mine.

He looks up and his eyes collide with mine before he says something in his phone and hangs up. Without thought, my feet start moving in his direction, and when he stands to come toward me, I could burst with love.

He grabs my face and wipes my tears. “Red, baby? What’s wrong?”

I’m choked up from it all. I never thought this would be my reality, but it is. Never knew I’d fall for someone. Or that they’d always be there when I needed them. Only three words float around in my head. And I can’t help but say them even though I could risk scaring him away. “I love you.” They come out broken but still strong.

He only searches my tear-filled eyes. No words come from his beautiful mouth and that’s okay as long as he holds me close and doesn’t push me away. He saw me at my lowest the other night and still stayed. I’m sure my nightmares will be a future fight, but I no longer have to battle them alone. Because even though the words don’t leave his mouth, I know he loves me.

He brings my body closer to hug me tight. My face rests against his chest and my arms wrap securely around his waist. His warmth and scent envelope me. Even with today’s events, I start to calm and know that, without a doubt to blind me, I’ll be okay today. Confidently, more than okay tomorrow.

Three days later Janet is gone. Five days later, we lay her beside her long lost love James. I hope she has peace now. I hope she’s no longer holding worry on her shoulders for Jay’s or even me. The bar has been closed since she took her last breath, but everyone is coming tonight for a celebration of Janet’s life. Trudy and I haven’t talked to one another since that day we had words. I think she knows I need time to accept the truth. I also have to accept the fact that I was wrong. She deserves a big apology that I plan on delivering tonight.

We’re also meeting the new owner of Jay’s for the first time. I don’t know what to expect, but whomever the person happens to be, they still won’t be Janet. Working for anyone other than her will be strange. You always knew where you stood with her because she spoke her mind regardless if your feelings were hurt. I’ve been tense all day, so before he leaves, Lyric runs me a hot bath. He and Hyde are meeting the caterers and setting up at Jay’s for tonight’s services.

Sissy’s barking and scratching at the backdoor interrupt my musings. I grab a towel and go to the kitchen to let her in and see the bag of items Trudy left at the hospital. I have completely forgotten about it with all the crap that’s been going on. After Sissy runs inside, I take out the spiral notebook. After closing the bedroom door, I pull on some panties and a bra. Then I sit down, open it, and begin to read.

I immediately know whose this is from the handwriting. Benji always had a neat script compared to mine. I always told him God mixed that one thing up between us, because I write more like a boy than he did.

Drawings, songs, and some of his memories fill page after page. Some date back ten years ago when he lost his virginity, to later when he snorted his first line. The words show me a boy I never knew. A boy who played pranks and had friends. A happy boy.

From one page to the next, I absorb his words and try to see what he saw. My heart breaks when I read about the verbal abuse our father used to put us through. He always hated us, I think. Always blamed us for mom not being here or because he didn’t have money. I’ll never understand the why of it just as I’ll never forget it.

When my eyes see that date that will forever be in my heart, dread sinks to the bottom of my belly. I have to take several deep breaths before I allow myself to read it.

*

*

*

Tears drip on the notebook paper as I continue reading. Because it did get worse. So much worse. But not for me. No… Ben was always there, and he was beaten so bad that I thought he’d die. He was forced to watch me suffer and in the end, he suffered. He dropped out of school because he was missing so many days. Whenever I tried to stay home and help him like he did me, he would tell me to go away. Little did I know, he was using his new addiction to needles to mask the pain. I should have never fought back or cried for help that night. I should have just stayed on the floor in silence. He wouldn’t have found me and found out. He would have lived a normal life and stayed clean. But I did and I can’t make it right or change it.

My heart breaks with each word I read from a brother I never knew. Or at least not as well as I thought. The person who wrote these dark secrets isn’t the strong one I knew. This one wasn’t the one who walked on water as I imagined at times. He might have taken me away from my tormentor and became my hero, but who was his? Who held him up when he needed it? Real happiness evaded him until he met Trudy. His feelings for her are written, from the first day he met her, to the confession she made that night in Janet’s office. I feel so stupid and lost for not seeing it. For assuming something I shouldn’t. And yet I still haven’t apologized to Trudy. How can I? I’ve believed her to be something she’s not for so long that I’ve had to work it out in my head before I can face her again. But tonight I plan on taking that step. She deserves my apology, and if she doesn’t accept it, then I’ll completely understand. I need to thank her for showing my brother some piece of happiness even though it ended in his heart breaking.