Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (26 page)

I look up and see Lyric watching me. He shows no surprise over my confession. No verdict of guilt. No disgust. The only sign that he heard me is when he picks up a wet piece of my red hair. “Is that why you color it?” he asks.

I look down at the pink water and see the red dye I hide behind. It never fails to disappear a little more with every wash. “Yes.” I only wish that the Blaire I hide from the world would stay buried as easily as the fake one vanishes.

“Holding her while she breaks is hard

when she slips through my fingers.”

~Lyric

Lyric

Red has finally fallen asleep beside me when my phone vibrates. I look and see Lou’s name so I step outside to take the call. “We good for tonight?”

“All set. Dock at twenty-two.” He confirms the time and hangs up.

I light a cigarette and lean against the building, wondering what I’m going to do with Red while I handle this deal tonight. The only option I can come up with is to lie. Lie about some shit I need to do on my own. But I really don’t want to leave her alone. Tonight was the first time I’ve witnessed her relive her nightmare and I felt fucking powerless. None of the shit I deal with in my job nor all my life experiences could have prepared me for what I witnessed tonight. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do to ease her pain as she broke.

When she smashed the mirror, and I saw blood oozing from her hand, I was scared to death. I felt a fear so strong as I watched her breakdown that I admitted something for the first time to myself. I love her. I love her so fucking much that I’d kill for her again while people watched if that’s what she wanted. She’s revived feelings I’ve long forgotten. Raised me from the dead and awakened me into more than what I was before. I want her to be around me every day so I can smell her skin, hear her soft voice, and make her smile. Not just for this short time we have together, but for the rest of my life. I want to protect her from the nightmares that haunt her. Even if that means giving my job a big ‘fuck you’, I’ll do it. After this mission is over, then so am I. I flick my cigarette and head inside. After I crawl in bed, my arms automatically go around Red’s waist to pull her toward me. I can’t help but smile like a damn pussy when she willingly snuggles deeper into my chest.

It seems no lies are needed after all to keep Red distracted while I handled tonight’s trade. We’re headed back to Mobile this morning because of a phone call from Trudy. Janet’s in the hospital and isn’t doing well. We don’t know much, only that she’s been out for two days, and when Trudy went to check on her, she was passed out on the floor.

I look at Red as she sits in the passenger seat looking out the window. No words have really been spoken since last night. She’s silent, and I don’t know if it’s from the phone call or from embarrassment over what transpired between us last night. Either way I don’t like this distance so I reach over and grab her hand. “She’ll be fine.” I lie. My gut tells me Janet won’t be fine. She’s dying and refusing any treatment. She’s been preparing for her death for a while. That’s why she sold me Jay’s. It’s all finalized but I refuse to let everyone know it’s sold until after we know Janet’s truly finished. She didn’t want to wait, but I don’t want her to lose any part of her normal, everyday life. So I told her I wanted to hold off on telling people so they won’t treat me different. She was satisfied with that. Now, I have a feeling it’s time.

Finally, her eyes turn in my direction. “Do you really believe that?” she asks angrily, narrowing her eyes.

I feel as though this simple question is a test. Lie to give her possible false hope or tell the truth and break her spirit early? I squeeze her hand. “No.” I tell her honestly.

She only nods her head instead of breaking down the way I initially thought she would. “Me neither.”

When we reach the Infirmary, we head straight to the fourth floor. Janet is staying in the Medical Intensive Care Unit to make her as comfortable as possible. Since visiting hours are specified, we meet Jax and Trudy in the waiting area. Trudy’s eyes are red and swollen from tears when she looks up and sees us.

I’m not sure what today will bring for these two girls’ relationship and Jax must be thinking the same thing because he keeps her firmly by his side when they approach us. Red is the surprisingly the first to speak. “How is she?”

“Sleeping. The doctors said she’s had several seizures overnight and they did a scan which confirmed that the cancer has moved to her brain.” Trudy’s voice breaks so Jax squeezes her in a comforting embrace.

“She’s refusing treatment of any kind. More fluid is building on her lungs, but she’s supposedly signed something to stop any of us from intervening.” Jax says.

“Damn Janet and her head strong ass.” Red whispers, grief lacing every word she speaks.

Silence falls between us after that as we all let our morning brains absorb everything that’s going on. Jax leads Trudy back to their seats, and Red finds one against an opposite wall. I stare out the large glass partition separating the waiting area from the hallway leading to the large automatic doors to ICU. Nurses in bright, colorful scrubs pass by but pay us no mind. My mind wanders to what’s going down tonight, but Red is never too far from my thoughts. Now that I’ve admitted to myself how I feel about her, I want to do better and be worthy of her trust. And the shit I’m into isn’t the best ways to make that happen. So I’m stuck trying to think of a plan for our future.

After a few minutes of musing, I sense someone standing next to me and know it’s Red. We don’t touch or talk, but I recognize her closeness. The hairs along my skin stand on end because my body automatically wants to touch her. “Thank you for bringing me here. I’m sorry you had to leave.”

“It’s cool.” I look down at her profile as she watches a smiling brunette on the other side talking with another nurse.

“Do you think it’s hard for them?”

“What’s hard for them?” I ask.

“To watch people die all the time. To know that the patients they care for today will be taking their last breath tomorrow or the next day.” She tears her eyes away from the young nurse to meet mine. “To know that, when they leave here to go home and laugh with their family, the family of their dead patient is grieving. Or is it easy to wash it all away with the soap they shower with?” A lone tear falls down her face.

Reaching up, my thumb wipes it away. “I don’t know, Red. I hope they appreciate their lives a little more when they leave here. But I honestly don’t know. Everyone’s mentality is different and everyone handles death differently. And I’m sure they see a lot of it.”

“Like you?” Her eyes bore into me.

She’s referring to the night I killed those two guys in the alley. We’ve never discussed it even though I know it’s crossed her mind. I see how she eyes the gun I always have on me or by the bed at night. Instead of being brave and standing there to take in her persistent stare, I grab her in my arms and pull her close to avoid it. “Yes, Red. Like me,” I whisper in her hair and kiss her temple. She wraps her arms around my waist, and we stand there holding on to each other as if it might be our last time.

Just then, a nurse comes in and tells us two people can go to the back. Trudy tells us to go ahead, so I grab Red’s hand and lead her down the hall through the automatic door. There are about twenty single beds in their own curtained cubicles and a nurses’ station in the middle of them all. Janet’s area is toward the back, and when we pull the curtain back, all I can see are her sunken cheeks and pale skin. She’s still asleep but it doesn’t seem restful or peaceful. Instead, you can hear every gurgling breath she takes. Her chest retracts and sinks in as she struggles to breathe.

Red walks over and touches her hand. “She’s so cold,” she whispers to no one in particular.

“That’s very common during the last stage of the disease. So is the shortness of breath and noise. Her lungs have built up fluid but she refuses any draining.” The nurse walks over and tampers with the IV that rests in her neck.

“What’s that you’re giving her?” Red asks.

“Morphine. We want her to be as comfortable as possible. And since her veins are so thin, we had to put in a central line.” She writes in her log and gets ready to leave.

“How long do you think she has?” Red asks.

The young lady looks uncomfortable with the question, but answers anyways. “You never know with this disease. Everyone is different. But with my experience, I’d say a few days. A week at the most.” She smiles gently and exits.

We wait for hours but Janet still sleeps. Jax takes Tru home to rest and I take Red back to the house to grab some fresh clothes. She’s determined to stay at the hospital and as much as I want to stay with her, duty calls.

Heading back to New Orleans, I try to concentrate on business. I need to call Massey and find out what the plan is with Anya, but I just can’t at the moment. I know I won’t like it. And as much as I’d love to just quit and leave, I know it would involve Red uprooting her whole life and living on the run. Maybe I should just tell her and see what happens and how she reacts. But so much shit is on her plate now with Janet being on her deathbed that I really don’t want to add any more weight. So I’ll just wait and call Massey on the way back to Mobile.

I pull into my house in New Orleans and push the button on my key for the garage door to open. I’ve come here just to trade out vehicles because I don’t need to take the risk of having my Chevy recognized. I’ll drive my black Escalade to the dock tonight instead. After I park, I decide to head inside to take a piss. Stepping into the dark laundry room off the double garage, I smell something off and unwelcome. I remove my gun from my holster and give my eyes time to adjust to the darkness before creeping in the kitchen. My eyes land on the island where a candle burns beside a wine glass with a red lipstick stain. Then I see the flick of a match that illuminates a feminine silhouette and know exactly who’s here. “What the fuck are you doing in my house?”