Learning to Live (14 page)

Last week, when I danced with the team, I thought it was the only
way for me to feel at peace. Then I came here with Jazz and found
solace immediately when I inhaled the salty air and felt it hit my face
for the first time.
The whole week before I arrived, my nerves and the excitement
for this weekend made my nails nonexistent and my bottom lip sore
from biting it so much. However, when I arrived it all faded away, and
for the first time I felt all my inner turmoil lift from my shoulders.
Now I’m sitting under the sun with the same salty air around me
and a smile on my face, listening to the seagulls and watching the
families play. Okay, I’m also watching Jax on his surfboard like every
other female that’s not related to him. He’s just so sexy with his six
pack abs, muscled chest that has droplets of water cascading down
every crevice. His tattoo is finally visible. It’s made of beautiful tribal
designs in different colors, and they come together and form a tree. I
want to ask him about it, but I’m not sure if I have the courage.
My tattoo means so much to me, but it’s hard to talk about to
others. I’ve never talked about Brian to anyone except the hospital
staff and social worker that helped me. As I sit here I realize how
selfish I’ve been. I try to keep him all to myself, but I should be proud
of him and how strong he was. Staying quiet must make it seem like
I’m ashamed of him. I’m not. It’s just that I didn’t really have anyone
to talk to about him. Well, until Jazz came into my life and then Jax.
I think back to watching Cohen run to his mom. Moments like that
I always realize that I’ll never have that with Brian—all the birthdays
he’ll never have or his first day of school. None of that will ever be
experienced, and I instantly feel the burning in my eyes and tightness
in my chest. Thanks to my sunglasses, no one sees the moisture in my
eyes. My hands itch for his blanket, but I left it in my dorm room
hoping I wouldn’t need it.
My somber mood is ruined by my loud friend. “Damn it, Trudy.
Take that stupid cover-up off or I’ll be forced to take it off for you.” I
can hear the impatience in her voice, but it’s a welcome distraction
from my thoughts.
I clear my throat before answering, hoping she won’t notice I’m
upset. “Jazz, I’ve never been in a bathing suit before and definitely not
a bikini. If you can even call this colored dental floss you
made
me
purchase a bikini. It’s like my chest is going to spill out any minute.”
I’m not comfortable with showing that much skin. I feel as though
everyone will point and stare, and I don’t want to be criticized. I’ve
had enough of that in the past.
“Oh please. If I had your ass and rack, I’d definitely become a
nudist and give
anyone
who wanted to judge me the finger.” She’s so
confident and doesn’t seem ashamed of the scar on her chest from her
past open heart surgery, but it’s really faded compared to my fresh
ones.
She stands and pulls me up with her. When she reaches for the
hem of my cover up, I back away from her. “Trudy.” She grabs me by
the shoulders and looks at me with sincere blue eyes. “Look at me. Do
you trust me as a friend?” I nod my head. “Good, then listen to me.
You’re a
beautiful woman
and you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you
are...inside and out. I love you like a sister, and I’ll kick the ass of
anyone that tells you different.” She gives me a small sad smile. “So
please do
yourself
a favor and let go and
live
.”
Those words hit me right in my heart. I realize that I want to live
badly, but it’s so terrifying. I take a deep breath and nod my head. I do
trust her and it’s time for me to try and live the life I was given. My
hands are shaking as I reach for the hem of my cover up and lift it over
my head.
I feel people stare at me, but I try to ignore it. I hug my friend who
says she loves me and quickly sit back down in my chair. As I pull out
the sun screen to apply to my now visible skin, I feel a burning stare
on me. I look up and see a very wet and intense looking Jax walking
our way, carrying his board. I feel my heart skip a beat before it speeds
up and my skin gets flushed. Heat races through my bloodstream, and I
start to feel jittery the closer he gets. It’s like his stare is setting me on
fire.
Oh God. What do I do? I’m about to ignite.
“Hey, David, walk with me for a drink?” Jazz gets up and grabs
David’s hand then walks away. I never noticed him coming over.
I could
kill
Jazz right now for leaving Jax and me in some intense
sexual bubble as he continues to stare and not say anything. He just
stares as I melt into an overheated puddle.
Yes, I said sexual.
He’s hot
and I want him. There, I finally admit it after denying it for the past
few weeks.
I want him so bad that I’m about to pounce on him.
“Jax Coleman, is that you?” He finally breaks his stare as a
beautiful woman in possibly her early thirties comes up dressed to the
nines in all designer attire. She’s wearing a red, barley there bikini and
has the blondest hair that reaches her ass cheeks and a pair of porn star
boobs with only her nipples covered.
Where’s modesty these days?
I
silently ask myself.
“Mrs. Reed. It’s good to see you again,” he says and tries to turn
my way again, but the lady in red blocks him and jumps in between us.
“Actually, I dropped the Reed and now I’m using my maiden
name
Thomas
.” She looks at him and bites her lip while I roll my eyes.
He must notice because his lips turn up before he looks at her again.
“I’m sorry to hear about you and Dr. Reed. Now if you’ll excuse
me I was in the middle of something.” Again, he tries to escape but
gets nowhere.
“Well, I’m definitely not sorry. So now I have time to try…” She
whispers something in his ear that has Jax nodding with a “W
hat the
fuck?
” look on his face. Then, as she walks away, swaying her
perfectly round ass, she looks over her shoulder and sounding like a
call girl says, “Come see me when you’re done...” she looks at me
“...babysitting.”
What the hell
? I know I’m young, but do I look twelve? I take a
calming breath to stop myself from following her and shoving a beach
umbrella pole up her ass. “That was interesting?” It comes out as a
question because my head is still spinning from the encounter.
“Yeah, sorry about that. She was married to one of my dad’s
friends.” He sits down in Jazz’s empty chair and leans back with his
arms behind his head.
It seems the sexual tension is gone since the porn star interrupted,
but I’m glad. Now I can think with my head again and not with my
libido.
“
Was
is definitely the right word,” I say and start to laugh when I
think of how obvious she was in her advances. Can you say
easy
?
Jax looks at me while my giggles eventually turn into full blown
laughter. “What?” he asks with a smile and then joins in.
“That,” I say, pointing in the direction she took off in. “I can’t
believe she did that. I mean she might as well have a sign around her
neck saying, ‘Caution: Parents, beware of wild cougar around
children.’” I continue to laugh and have to take a breath before I
continue. “Do you always have beautiful women trying to get you, or
what?”
He suddenly sobers and looks at me with that intense stare from a
few minutes ago. “Not the most beautiful.”
That catches me off guard, and I’m speechless, but thankfully Jazz
and David return and hand Jax and me a bottled water. I break his stare
and look at my friend while I change the subject. “You want to help
with the sand castle, Jazz?”
“No, you and Jax go ahead. I need to work on my back for a bit,
then we need to head home for the party.” She stands beside Jax and
kicks his leg. “So get your ass up and get busy.”
“David?” I ask because the thought of being alone once again with
Jax has my belly tied in nervous knots. I never know what to expect
from him or how my emotions will pan out.
“No thanks. I got other plans walking my way,” he says, shaking
his head, and winks at a cute brunette walking by with her friends. He
soon follows behind them to catch up.
Standing up, I wipe the sand off my butt before I head over to an
area to start our sand castle expecting Jax to follow. However, he
walks toward his car instead. I’m getting upset because I think he’s
about to leave, but he comes back with his arms full of buckets and
shovels.
“We can’t build the best without the right equipment, can we?” He
smiles and sits beside me in the sand.
I really don’t know how to do this, and I’m not sure where to start.
I guess he see’s my hesitation and explains. “First we need water to
make the sand the right consistency.” He stands and walks to the shore
to scoop up water.
I can’t help but stare at his back muscles and they roll under his
tanned skin around shoulder blades. I follow his spine to where it dips
and curves out as he bends down, but then it disappears under his
swim trunks, and I curse who ever invented clothes.
He turns around and catches my stare. I grab a red shovel and start
to dig diligently while he sits back down. I pray he thinks the pinkness
on my cheeks is from the sun and not my embarrassment. “What’s
next?” I ask, trying to remember the reason I’m sitting with sand up
my butt instead of on his lap.
We work in sync as we build a decent looking sand castle, and I
can’t help but take a picture. It has three towers and even a moat he
filled with water. I dust the sand off my hands and stand up to dust off
my legs. “What should we call it?” I ask and look his way.
He’s staring at me again, and it’s not in a sexual way this time, but
angry. He see’s my scar from my surgery to repair my punctured liver I
had just seven months ago. I could play it off as a childhood scar, but
it’s too red for that and I’m horrible at telling lies anyway. I try to act
like I don’t notice his stare instead and continue what I was doing.
“What the hell happened?” His eyes are focused on the scar, and I
automatically cover it with my hand. The growl in his voice sends
goosebumps across my skin. Even his anger affects me.
“Long story,” I say and turn to walk toward Jazz. As soon as I get
there I slip on my cover up. “Are you about ready? I need to take a
shower before the party.” I can feel Jax’s heat as he stands close
behind me.
“Yeah. Let’s load up.” She stands and stretches her arms above her
head then looks to Jax. “Don’t just stand there. Help us pack up.”
Thank you, Jazz,
I think to myself and exhale.
Thankfully he doesn’t argue but begins to fold the chairs. David
soon returns and helps us load them up. When we’re done and in the
car, I watch as the Jeep peels out of the parking lot, leaving burnt
rubber in its wake.
“What the hell is his problem?” Jazz asks, eyeing me above her
sunglasses.
I just shrug my shoulders as an answer because I don’t want to
talk about it and look ahead. She starts backing out and turns down the
stereo. “I wish you two would just fuck and get it over with. This
sexual tension is causing me to almost orgasm just by watching.” She
wags her eyebrows and drives back to her house smiling the whole
time.
On the way I think about what she said. Maybe if we just have sex
one time I won’t feel this way about him.
Who am I kidding?
The way
I feel about him runs way deeper than just sex. The flutters and
tightness in my belly seem to be caused by his presence alone. Heat
flows under my skin from my split ends down to my toenails just from
his dark stare. The way he can lighten my mood with just his dimple.
With all these intense feelings there is still fear of becoming someone’s
thing
instead of my own person though. I don’t want to feel this way,
but maybe it’s time to conquer that fear. Jax isn’t going away and
neither are these feelings. Like Jazz said, “
Let go and live
.”