Learning to Live (9 page)

Noticing that my feet are freezing, I glance down then see I’m
wearing a hospital gown and there’s blood oozing on my right side. I
know it’s from the puncture wound to my liver and the pain starts to set
in. I have a scar there to remind me constantly of that day, and even
though I know this is fake, the pain seems real. I panic and try to stop
the blood from flowing and frantically look around for something to
cover the wound.

I’ve had this nightmare before and know there’s nothing but the
white curtain to cover the wound, so I walk toward it. As I approach I
hear a child cry and my heart rate picks up from excitement as the
physical pain vanishes.

It’s my sweet boy’s cry I’m hearing, so I run toward the cry
wanting him in my arms again. When I push the curtain to the side, I
scream. Brad has my son in his arms and sneers when I come into
sight. I hold out my arms and cry, feeling desperate to have Brian
wrapped in them and safe from this evil person.

Brad just stares at me with hate and he points at me, “You caused
this. You caused all of this.”
I run toward him but I’m stopped by some invisible wall that I
can’t pass. He starts walking toward a fireplace that I just now notice
and continues to scream, “It’s your fault, Trudy. All of this is your
fault.”
I continuously bang on the glass with my fist until it shatters and
my hands are slippery from my blood, but I don’t care. I run toward
them but everything gets further out of reach. I watch in agony as
Brad tosses Brian in the fire and it swallows him up while he screams
in pain. Brad laughs and walks away while I continue to sob until I
wake up with this tortured spirit.

Since I can’t sleep and feel restless, I change into my workout
clothes and head to the gym. It’s open 24/7 and since it’s early I know
many people won’t be there. I need to block out this grief and get it out
of my system, so I decide to dance. It’s been a while since I’ve danced
just for me, and I feel anxious to feel the burn of my muscles and the
tickle of sweat running down my skin.

Luckily for me the gym has an aerobics room that’s usually empty
and has mirrors along the walls. The built in stereo system really helps,
plus the sign states the room is soundproof. I connect my iPhone and
scroll through my playlist. Since I want to move, I decide to put on
some Skrillex. I love any genre of music with a sick beat that speaks to
my body.

As
In for the Kill
starts to play, I stretch my muscles and start to
get that same warmth throughout my body that I always get with
dancing. I block everything out—my tortured past, confusing present,
as well as my uncertain future and just move with the music. I have
always excelled in hip hop and ballet, so I’m mixing the two as I
move, and I start to sweat. I can break and bounce with the best of
them, and I love every minute of it. I have a lot of insecurities but
when it comes to dancing, I’m very confident.

I have to dance barefoot because by tennis shoes prevent smooth
movements, and I don’t own any dance shoes. I really need to buy
some if I’m going to dance more, and I know I want to with the way I
feel right now. So until I have enough money to purchase a decent pair,
I’ll wrap my feet.

After two more songs, I grab the towel I brought, my water, and
take a breather. I’m feeling better and I can feel the tension and guilt
leave my soul with every exhale. I know it will eventually return, but I
take advantage of it when it’s gone.

“Damn it, Ms. Thang! You can really twerk it.” I remove the towel
from my neck and stand up while this cute black guy walks in wearing
grey sweats with a black leotard underneath.

“Thanks,” I say while standing up to grab my stuff because he
obviously wants to use the room. When I get ready to walk out, he
stops me by blocking the door.

“You got a name, or should I just continue to call you Ms.
Thang?” He looks at me expectantly, so I supply my name and he tells
me his is Jamal. “So, Trudy, where you running off to?” He smiles at
me and I smile back. Lean and toned body, he has the perfect dancer’s
physique. His dark eyes match his coffee colored skin, and he has a
slick bald head. He’s extremely good looking, but I have a feeling he
bats for a different team.

“I was just going to get out of your way and let you use the room.
I just needed it for a little while.”

“I’m actually early. My girl Elle is meeting me around six to
practice a routine we’ve been running through the past few weeks.” He
walks over to the bench and places his bag down then grabs mine to do
the same.“I usually like to warm up before she gets here. I wouldn’t
mind some company from a fellow dancer.”

“Are you trying out for the dance team?” He starts stretching and I
notice he has grace in such simple movements.
“I haven’t really thought about it. I have a full load with classes
and work. I’ll have to think about it after I do some research on the
schedule.” I start stretching my legs by bringing each one straight up,
parallel to my upper body, and holding it for a minute.
“Well, you’re one bad ass white girl with those moves you were
throwing down. We could definitely use your skills.” He gets up and
hooks up his iPod. As he looks through his list of music, a very tall,
tanned girl with bone-straight black hair and caramel colored eyes
walks in, and I know this must be Elle. “It’s about damn time, honey.
You know, I could be snuggled in bed still with visions of Channing
Tatum in my head if I wasn’t waiting on your slow butt,” Jamal says
with his hand on his hip in a Diva pose. He reminds me of RuPaul.
“Calm down, princess. I’m ten minutes early, so please stop with
the bitching. It’s way too early.” She notices me and smiles as she
waves. “Hi, I’m Ellery.” I notice she has a beautiful accent of some
kind, but since I’m not cultured in anything other than the south, I
can’t name it.
Before I can introduce myself, Jamal has his arm around my
shoulder and does it for me. “This here is Trudy and she is one sick
dancer. I’m trying to convince her to join the team.” He puts his arm
down and smacks my butt. “Now show her what I saw.”
I look at him like he’s crazy until I hear his song choice. He puts
on Glitch Mob’s
Between two Points
, and I get that same feeling of
excitement as the music melts into my soul. I love this song and the
sensuality of the beat. Plus the words flow with its rhythm perfectly.
I block out my audience while dancing. I do some leaps and
fouettés then find myself picturing strong hands, in the place of my
own, grabbing my rotating hips. I visualize Jax’s deep brown eyes
staring at me full of heat and lust. I imagine running my hands through
his thick, black hair, feeling its silkiness glide between my fingers. Just
as I’m biting my lip, picturing Jax’s mouth on mine, clapping invades
my thoughts, and I realize the song is over. I take a deep breath to rid
myself of the sexual frustration starting to build in my body.
“OMG, honey! That was effin’ H.O.T. I mean, I’m so gay, but
damn I want to take you over my knee and spank your sweet white
ass,” Jamal says while fanning his face and leaning against the wall.
I glance at Elle who is standing there with a look of pride on her
face then points to my feet. “You need dance shoes if you’re going to
dance on the team. What size do you wear?”
I glance at my feet and feel like I’m still in a daze from my earlier
vision. It takes me a minute to understand her words then I look up and
say, “I haven’t tried out for the team yet. Plus, I need to check the
schedule. I don’t want my other schedules to interfere.” I can feel the
excitement building just thinking of being on the dance team. I feel
alive after these past few hours of dancing and would love to make it a
regular thing in my life again.
Elle walks over and puts her hands on my shoulders. “Well,
honey, it’s your lucky day because you just danced like a sex goddess
with a badass attitude for the captain and co-captain of the team. So I
will ask you again. What size shoe do you wear?”
I know I’m good but I haven’t danced with a team in a long time.
If I do decide to join, I hope that doesn’t hinder me. “Seven,” I tell her.
“Why?”
“I’m sure one of the other girls has an extra pair in your size. You
can use them until you can get a pair of your own. We practice early
mornings three days a week unless a competition is coming up,” she
states and begins her warm ups. “Leave your number with Jamal, and
I’ll text you our schedule this afternoon. It was nice meeting you,
Trudy.”
“You too, Ellery,” I say and walk over to Jamal to grab my things.
I give him my number and thank him for the unofficial tryout. My face
has a cheesy grin spread across it as I leave the gym.
I start to head back to my dorm and notice the sun is up. I’m a few
blocks away and see the coffee shop on campus. Realizing for the first
time that I am starving and could use the caffeine, I head over. I place
my order and when I go to pay I realize I didn’t bring any money. “I’m
so sorry. I guess I forgot my wallet when I ran out this morning.” My
face turns red as the embarrassment sets in. There’s a whole line of
people waiting to order, and I’m holding them up. The girl behind the
counter is obviously not a morning person and rolls her eyes. I can tell
she’s annoyed for having to get a manager to void out my order. “I
usually don’t do this. I left in a hurry this morning and…”
“Here I got it.” I see a strong hand holding a twenty dollar bill in
front of my face. I watch in amazement as the rude girl’s face
transforms from a mean sneer to a love struck fool.
I attempt to stop this stranger from saving me from
embarrassment, but when I turn around and see who’s behind me, I’m
even more embarrassed from my earlier thoughts of him. “Jax.” I sigh
and quickly clear my throat, trying again in a stronger voice. “Jax, you
don’t have to do that. I can run to my room and come back.”
Even though I already know it’s too late because my drink and
blueberry muffin are in his hands, I still argue. Man, he’s sexy in his
white mesh basketball shorts and blue sleeveless shirt that shows off
his muscular arms. He has a tattoo of something on his right upper arm
that continues under his shirt. I stop myself from staring too long.
He starts leading me to a table in the corner by placing his other
hand on the small of my back. “I wanted to. Besides, I’ve been
meaning to talk to you, and there is no better time like the present.” He
pulls my seat out for me and places my coffee and muffin on the table.
I glance out the window and watch as the campus comes to life. Thank
goodness I don’t have early classes on Fridays or I’d be late. “Thank
you,” I say and take a sip of my coffee. My nose scrunches up in
disgust, which causes Jax to laugh. Frazzled from the situation earlier,
I forgot about adding cream and sugar.
I watch as Jax gets up and when he returns he has every type of
cream and sugar they offer. “I didn’t know what flavor you preferred
or if you were into real or fake sugar.”
“Real. Definitely real.” I start dressing my coffee. “There’s
nothing like the taste of coffee with real sugar. My tongue is able to
tell the difference for some reason.” I can’t believe I just mentioned
my tongue to Jax. My skin flushes, as I picture licking him with it.
Calm down, Trudy. He’s just a good looking guy.
He clears his throat and sits there staring at me for a second.
Finally he starts to talk. “How’s work going?”
I exhale with relief and relax. I thought he was going to ask me
why I’m so flushed. “Good. I really like working there. Both Benji and
Blaire are wonderful.” He growls and I don’t know why, but ignore it
and continue. “Did you know they’re playing tomorrow night on
stage? I can’t wait to hear them because everyone says they are
phenomenal. I’ll be working the bar, so I’ll have to listen from the
back, but still...it’s a free show and in a way I’ll be getting paid to
watch.” I’m rambling but he makes me nervous. My foot won’t stop
moving under the table, and the table starts to shake.
Please don’t
notice. Please don’t notice.
“Is the table moving?” he asks with a smirk on his face. He bends
down to look underneath, so I cross my legs and dig my nails into my
palms to distract myself.
I’m relieved I had it under control while he was down there.
“God, Trudy. Stop it.”
“Did you say something?” He pulls up and smiles. “What do you
need to stop?”
Well shit
! I might as well get this over with because I’m just
making a fool out of myself. Plus, I keep digging this hole of
humiliation deeper and deeper by the second. I take a deep breath and
close my eyes. When I open them Jax is focusing on my mouth again.
NOT HELPING!
Okay, here goes nothing.