Learning to Live (2 page)

Things are looking up,
I think to myself as I walk home from
school the next day. I had called Mrs. Malone from a friend’s cell
phone during lunch and explained some of the situation to her. She
told me they can help out with a campus apartment and child care
while I attend classes with my scholarship. So even though I still have
six weeks until I’m due, I accepted the scholarship. I’m so excited I
practically dance home. I look at my watch and see I still have time to
relax and plan my future while Brad’s at work.

I unlock the door and my heart stops as I step through. At first I
think somebody broke in because of the mess, but then I see Brad
sitting with his back facing me. I can tell by his rigid posture he’s in a
bad mood and wonder if something happened at work. When he hears
me shut the door, he stands up and turns those same cold eyes on me.

“Brad, are you o…okay?” I wonder why he’s looking at me like
that, but then I see my scholarship packet in his hands and I know.
I’m visibly shaking from instant fear as I back toward the door for
an escape. “You want to explain
this
to me?” he hisses while throwing
the papers everywhere.
I swallow and take a breath as I watch them scatter. “I… I haven’t
had a chance to discuss it with you yet.” I need to get out of here or
calm him down. “You’re never home and when you are, we’re never
alone,” I stammer, thinking of a way out of this fight as I hold on to
my belly.
I see his eyes lower to where my hands are before he lifts them
and stares into my dread-filled green eyes. I can tell he enjoys this
power he has over me as he stalks toward me, straightening his
shoulders. “Then tell me
now
.” He shoves me into the door, and I feel
the knob jab into my left kidney and know there will be a bruise.
I must take too long to answer because the next thing I’m aware of
is the wind being knocked out of my lungs as I’m slammed on the
stained carpet. I hear his footsteps getting closer as his feet crunch on
the broken glass, and I try to come up with a plan. I roll over so I can
get up, only to be kicked in my side by his steel toe boots.
“You were going to leave me weren’t you?” He kicks again but I
have my back toward the impact while I clutch my stomach.“After I
took you in?”
I want to deny it, but I’m still trying to catch my breath. “When no
one wanted you? I’ve busted my ass to give you a home and this is
how you repay me? HUH?” I cry out when I feel the impact of another
blow on my lower back then tense up waiting for another. I
concentrate on my unborn son as I hold on to my stomach, thankful to
feel his continuous movements. “Answer me, you selfish bitch.”
Instead of the kick I’m anticipating, he yanks me up by my hair.
“I w...wasn’t going to leave y...you. I haven’t responded to the
letter yet.” My lungs burn and my chest feels tight, so I take a deep
breath. The tears continue to fall, and my scalp burns while he holds
me in place by my hair wrapped in his fist.
“LIAR!”
he screams in my face. His breath lets me know he’s
been drinking. “I got a call today from a friend. Said you were on the
phone with someone talking about living arrangements and class
schedules.” He takes a deep breath while bending down and nuzzling
my ear and whispers, “I got people watching you, Trudy,
everywhere
you go. I know when you get to class. I know when you take a
bathroom break, and I’m
always
aware of who you talk to.”
He pulls back and I see hate in his eyes. I brace myself when I get
a glimpse of his fist rearing back. I feel the hit and then the throbbing
pain in my jaw. I’m thankful he’s drunk because I was able to pull
back to avoid full impact. I concentrate on becoming numb as I keep
my hands on my stomach, wanting to protect
him
from all the pain that
I can.
“I bet that piece of shit thing in your stomach ain’t even mine.
You’re probably lying about that too, aren’t you?” I taste the coppery
flavor of blood in my mouth as Brad grabs me by my throat and begins
to squeeze. I start struggling for air.
I can’t scream for the lady who lives across the hall to help me, so
I do the only thing I can. I knee him in the balls and feel his hold
loosen. I’m in survival mode but not just for myself.
“
Ahhh!!!”
he yells, falling over and clutching his crotch. I catch a
much needed breath and run for the door. I yank it open and try to
scream, but it even sounds weak to my own ears.
The next thing I’m aware of is something pulling me from behind,
then I’m thrown back into the apartment. I land hard on the floor and
feel a piercing pain on my right side. I clutch my stomach as Brad
kicks me in the abdomen over and over. I try to roll over, but I can’t
seem to do it, and I’m starting to feel lightheaded as my strength
declines. My vision blurs and I see spots, but I continue to hold on to
my child and pray for a miracle before everything goes black.

I stand in line at campus orientation to get my dorm key and class
schedule. Looking around, I notice how clean and up to date
everything is here. I feel out of place and nervous about being alone in
an unfamiliar town, but there’s still a small amount of excitement
that’s mixed in. People walk by and no one pays me any attention.
Thank goodness. I just want to blend in and not be ridiculed by people.
I hope college and high school are polar opposites. Thinking of the
next step I need to take, I know I need to find a job, but not the type I
had before I left Atlanta.

Supporting myself in a big expensive city left me little options,
especially since I had school during the day. I did what I needed to do
and started working at a gentleman’s club waitressing and tending bar.
The sleazier you dressed, the better the tips, and with all the debt I had
from hospital bills and funeral expenses, I needed fast cash. It wasn’t
easy and I’m not proud of it, but they had a
no touch
policy they
strictly enforced, so it could have been a lot worse. Customers who
didn’t follow it were thrown out immediately.

Between bills and the self-defense classes I took for a few months,
money was limited. Before the move to Mobile, I was short on cash
and wanted to buy Brian’s headstone before I left, so I was convinced
by one of the dancers to get on stage. I felt so dirty afterward I swore I
wouldn’t do it again, no matter if I was still short on cash. I wasn’t
proud of it, believe me, but I was desperate and on my own. I shake
my head of the memories until I can be alone and shed the tears that
always come.

As I wipe my eyes dry, I hear a loud whistle and automatically
look. I see a guy with light brown hair in a pink polo and khaki cargo
shorts looking my way, surrounded by two others in similar attire. I
turn around and ignore him. I know guys think I’m cute; that’s one of
the reasons Brad was so possessive of me. With everything that’s
happened in the last six months I don’t have time to lead people on or
date. To avoid any unwanted attention I wear simple clothes. Today’s
outfit consists of my old ratty jeans that are ripped from overuse and
old, faded blue T-shirt. Unfortunately the shirt doesn’t hide my
generous C-Cups. To be fair they are just boobs, and I’m not the only
one with them. I see girls in way more revealing clothes than me
walking around begging to be picked up. More than half of them wear
bikinis. I keep my head down to avoid making eyes with
pretty
boy.

After getting my key and schedule, along with a campus map, I
start walking toward my destination to unload my belongings, all of
which fit into one duffel bag. I’m not paying attention to my
surroundings when I feel someone grope my ass. Instead of
automatically letting go, the asshole continues to hold on and breathes
down my neck. I turn around and remembering my self-defense
classes, I stomp on the asshole’s foot and knee him in the groin, but
before I can take my palm and ram it in asshole’s chin he’s, KO’d by
someone else. I watch as
pretty boy
from earlier falls on the ground
unconscious.

Thankful but wanting to let Mr. Hero know I can handle myself, I
turn around and see the most beautiful eyes that remind me of the ones
I’ve only seen once before. They’re a deep brown with flecks of gold
around the pupil. My mind automatically thinks back to my stay at the
hospital.

Leaning against the incubator that holds my precious son, I looked
at all the tubes and wires connected to his tiny form and start singing
A
Thousand Years
by Christian Perri. I needed him to know he was the
most important person in my life, even though this was the first time
we’d ever seen each other’s faces. My hand was inside and I watched
as my two pound eight ounce son’s little hand grip my finger. The tiny
portion of skin I wrapped around my index finger had me longing to
feel the heaviness of him in my arms. He was so soft I wanted to touch
his tiny body and count all his fingers and toes. My voice hitched with
the emotion of loss, knowing I’ll never have that chance.

I wasn’t supposed to be in the NICU due to my condition, but the
doctor said it was okay because they knew how precious time was
right now. Even though I have two fresh incisions, I blocked out the
pain and refused any medication. I needed to be lucid and alert while
sitting here with Brian for the first and last time.

I drowned out all the noise from the machines and just
concentrated on everything that was him. “I’m so proud of how strong
and brave you are. You’re my everything and you’ve given me more
joy in the past few months than I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
You’ll always be my baby boy....” I cleared my throat and took a deep
breath “...don’t worry about me while you’re up in heaven. I’ll miss
you every day, but I’ll be okay. I promise I’ll make you proud of me.”

I wiped my tears with my other hand and sniffled. The nurse who
was assigned to his pod brought me a tissue, and I thanked her.
Looking past her head, I saw all the pods with babies’ names written
on red hearts. I suddenly remembered it was Valentine’s Day and I was
with the love of my life, saying goodbye. I felt the burning in my
throat as tears filled my eyes and, again, took a deep breath.

I prayed for the strength to stay strong because I didn’t want him
to be scared. I knew it sounded crazy considering he was so small, but
every time I felt like I was about to lose my strength and let my
emotions take over, his tiny hand squeezed my finger and I was okay
again.

I gazed into his eyes and smiled softly while I told him how
special he was to me. Eyes unlike mine or Brad’s, and they were so
beautiful—a deep brown—I wondered if they came from heaven. I
knew he could see me, so I continued to sing and ignored the reality
crashing down on me.

I shake my head, returning to the present. “Sorry, did you say
something?” I ask the guy who is obviously talking to me, but I’m not
paying attention. Looking around, I see asshole get up with assistance
from another guy and walk—or should I say limp—away. I turn back
to the other guy and he’s holding my bag toward me with a smirk on
his face. For the first time I notice how sexy he is. I might have a plan
to avoid dating, but I’m not blind.