Let's Be Crazy (Oh Captain, My Captain Book 4) (13 page)

Lexie

“Mommy. Mommy.” Sadie races into my arms. “I missed you.”

“Me too.” I almost let the tears fall. I have missed this little girl so much. Today hasn’t been easy for me. Even though I had the most memorable two days with Ashton, it was this day, seven-years-ago, that I received the knock on the door.

“My, my, someone has a special glow about them.”

I turn, seeing Brooke in baby-blue scrubs, grinning down at me. I stand, shaking my head at her.

“Mommy was on an adventure,” Sadie explains. “She was trying to find something.”

Brooke snorts in laughter. “Did you find it?”

Even though it’s forty degrees outside, my body heat raises thinking of Ashton. “Yes, I did.”

She hugs me. “I’m so happy for you and him,” she whispers in my ear.

“Mom, can Sadie come over?” Reed appears in front of us.

“Not today, Reed.” I pull away from Brooke.

“How come, Miss Lexie?” His face drops.

“Because today we go see my daddy at the graveyard,” Sadie sadly tells him.

“Does he come up from the ground?”

“Reed Ashton,” Brooke growls at him.

“What?” he shrugs. “That’s what happens in the movie.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to talk to your father about what the heck you’re watching at his house.” She rolls her eyes.

“It’s okay, Brooke. He doesn’t understand.” I turn to him. “Maybe Sadie can come over this weekend, okay?”

Reed nods, and we say our goodbyes.

I load Sadie up in the car and drive to the other side of town. When I drive down the small hill, I see Tiff’s car is already here.

Sadie is quiet as the three of us walk to a large gravestone under a large pine tree.

Anthony Michael Allen

1984-2007

Loving Husband, Father, Brother, Son

Brave Soldier

A tear rolls down my cheek. I put
father
on there, even though Sadie wasn’t born yet, because he was a loving father. Tiff bends down, brushing the needles away, and lays some wildflowers on his stone. When she stands, she loops her arm with mine, laying her head on my shoulder. We stand there in silence. No sounds, but the soft, cold wind dances around us.

“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Sadie finally speaks.

I nod, wiping the tears from my face. “Head to the car with Aunt Tiff. I’ll be right there.”

Tiff takes her hand, and I watch them walk away from me. I turn my attention back to the gray-silver marker.

“Our daughter is growing up so fast,” I whisper to the stone and into the thin air. “She’s like you so much. She’s so carefree and happy all the time. She stands up for her friends. I know that you would be so proud.” The tears stream faster down my face. “I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the advice you would give me, no matter if I wanted it or not. I miss your laugh and your childish pranks.”

I take a deep breath, thinking of all the memories we shared together over the years.

“I met someone. I never thought there would be anyone but you. He’s a great guy. He treats Sadie so well, and I really like him. Is it wrong of me that I don’t feel guilty when I’m with him? I love you so much, Tony. I do. But, I’m so confused sometimes.”

I think about how I didn’t feel bad when I was having sex with Ashton, but now, seeing Tony’s grave, it’s back. I look over at Sadie sitting in the car. She smiles at me, and my heart melts. She’s the only person in my life I need to keep my focus on. I can’t be galavanting with some hockey millionaire. I have a daughter and responsibilities.

I rub my fingers over his engraved name, feeling nothing but the cold hard stone. I stand, brush off my pants, and head back to the car. Tiff stares at me for a moment. I watch her expression change as she stalks over to me.

“No, no, no, no,” she repeats, shaking her head. “I know that look. Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Don’t be so damn naïve. You know exactly what I’m saying. Ashton is a good guy. He cares for you, and he loves Sadie. Tony would want--”

“Shut up!” I yell. I’ve never raised my voice at her. “You don’t know anything. You think you understand what it’s like to be alone day in and day out. You think you know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you’re failing as a mother. You don’t fucking know anything.”

Tiff’s mouth drops. “How dare you, Alexis Allen? How dare you think that I, of all the people in the this world, don’t understand what you’re going through? You’re an amazing mother, and Sadie is the greatest kid. But, Tony wouldn’t want this. I know that he would want you happy, and Ashton does that for you.”

“I was wrong.” I shake my head.

“You know what,” Tiff take a step closer to me, “fuck you.”

It’s my turn for my mouth to drop.

“You’re a damn fool, Lexie. A damn fool. But, if you want to be some miserable, single woman, then go ahead, because I’m done with you. I’m sick and tired of trying to help you, but if this is what you want,” she throws her hands up in the air, “then enjoy your life.”

I can’t say anything. I can’t move.

“I’ll pick Sadie up in the morning to spend the day with her.” She bumps my shoulder hard as she walks away from me. Tiff opens the back car door, hugging her niece. Then she goes to her car and leaves.

I go back to my car and try to keep myself composed in front of Sadie. Tiff and I have never fought like that.

“Mommy, can we have chicken nuggets?”

“No.”

“Mommy.”

“I said no, Sadie,” I whip my head to her, yelling.

Sadie’s soft brown eyes widen, and tears instantly fill them.

“I’m sorry.” I rub her leg. “I’m sorry, Sadie. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

She nods, but doesn’t say anything. She keeps her head down, playing with a string on her Hello Kitty pink gloves. I rub the temples of my head and try to focus enough to drive. Needless to say, I’m getting Sadie chicken nuggets tonight.

~ ~ ~

Ashton: Hey, I’m thinking about you right now.

Ashton: I can’t wait to see you.

Ashton: Are you okay?

Ashton: Why aren’t you texting back?

The messages continue, and I don’t know how many missed phone calls I have. I can’t answer any of them. The knocking on the door brings me out of my thoughts. On the other side is Tiff. She’s never knocked on my door.

“Is my niece ready?”

“You can come in.”

“No thanks,” she slightly sneers at me, making my heart break a little bit.

“Aunt Tiff.” Sadie comes racing around the corner.

“Hey, are you ready to go?”

“Yep.” Sadie turns to me. “Bye, Mommy.” She hugs my legs before taking Tiff’s hand.

My phone rings again, and without thinking, I answer it. “Hello?”

“What’s going on, Lexie? Talk to me.”

“Hey, Ashton. Um, there’s nothing to talk about. I think I should have thought things out more before we got too serious.”

“Thought what out more? That you’d rather you and even Sadie be all by yourselves?”

“I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I really am. This is my fault.”

“
This
is your mistake. I’m not supposed to let you walk away, Lex.”

“I know that I said that, but I didn’t mean it.” It’s a lie.

The silence is loud around with us. “You honestly don’t want this anymore? At all? Not even one little bit?”

“Ashton, you deserve someone that doesn’t come with baggage like mine. I’ve been doing fine on my own for the last seven years. This was a great
fling
, but you need to find someone else.”

“I...fling?” He stammers on the word. “I’m in love with you, Lex...but if this was all a fling, it was me who made the mistake for wanting you to begin with.”

The tears fall when he hangs up the phone.

Ashton

My initial thought was “What the hell is wrong with this woman?” And it wasn’t but a minute or so later that she reached through the phone and yanked my heart out of my chest. I’m glad I have a little time before practice. I need to recoup. Picking my phone back up, I dial Brooke.

“Hello?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nate just got here, why? Everything okay?” she questions with concern.

“No. I’m sick of hearing Nate’s name, for one. I can’t talk to you or Reed without hearing about him.” I run a hand over my face, knowing that isn’t an issue. “Sorry. Do you think Nate would sit with Reed for a bit? I need to talk to someone.”

Brooke is quiet before it dawns on her. “Oh no,” she breathes softly. “I’m sorry, Ash -”

“Are you coming or not?” I interrupt.

“Yeah, give me a few.”

She hangs up without another word. My knee bounces as I wait for her. I move from the couch to the kitchen and back to the couch again. Brooke doesn’t bother knocking the door, she just storms in.

“Tell me what happened.” She sits next to me on the couch, turning to angle towards me.

“Apparently, I’m a fling.” I can’t get the fucking word out of my head.

After recounting the conversation for Brooke to analyze, she shakes her head. “I don’t believe her.”

“I do.” She seemed so sure of her words and when I asked her if she was sure, she said yes.

Brooke rolls her eyes. “Well, don’t. You have to keep trying, Ash. Maybe give her a little time to miss you, to realize that she doesn’t really feel that way and that convincing herself is stupid, and then go swoop in and take her back. Why the hell not?” she finishes with frustration. I was shaking my head the entire time.

“You didn’t hear her, Brooke. She meant every word.”

“Then she’s a damn good liar.”

I clench my jaw. Brooke isn’t being as helpful as I wanted, but I don’t think I would have been satisfied even if she was. My phone rings, and my heart beats faster, thinking that it might be Lexie, but it’s a number I don’t recognize.

“Hello?”

“Dad, can -”

“Reed?” Brooke sits up to try and listen. “Is this Nate’s phone?”

“Yeah, he let me use it because I wanted to call you.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yep. Could we have tickets for the game tonight? I want to take Nate to see you play,” he says, like he could actually take Nate somewhere.

“Hold on a second, okay?”

“Okay.”

Placing a hand over the speaker, I explain to Brooke, “He wants y’all to go to the game tonight. What do you want me to tell him?”

“Let me talk to him.”

I hand her the phone and listen as she asks to speak to Nate, who apparently doesn’t mind going to a hockey game so Reed can take him to watch me play. Brooke hangs up and looks at me.

“I guess we’re going to the game tonight.”

“I’ll work out some tickets for you.”

She waves me away. “We’ll buy some. Do you want me to try and talk to her?”

“No,” I tell her firmly. “This is what she wants. The only person who can change Lexie’s mind is Lexie. If she wants to be alone, then let her.”

~ ~ ~

Rarely am I sent to the penalty box for fighting, yet here I am. We’re playing the Alabama Blacksmiths and I didn’t think twice to throw down the gloves. The more I think about Lexie and our
fling
, and I can’t think about anything else, the angrier I get. What better way to vent my anger than in hockey?

Except little penalties add up for opportunities and they cash in. We walk away with an 0-4 loss. One of the guys tries to talk to me, but I shake it off as a bad night. Coach eyes me, but doesn’t say anything. We all have bad games at some point and I was past due for one. On the ride home, I notice my phone blinking with a voicemail.

Reed’s voice greets me on the other end. “Hey, Dad. Sorry you had a bad game and lost. The Blacksmiths have been doing well this season, but so have you. You’ll get them next time. I told Nate that we could come back for another one, but he said he still had fun. When are we going to spend the day together like you promised?” I hear Brooke in the background and then, “Well, Mom says it’s time for bed, so I love you. Bye.”

My shoulders sag at his words, and I drive straight to Brooke’s. I can’t say I’m not a little pissed when Nate answers the door. He’s spending the night with Reed here? Where was that conversation?

“Where’s Brooke?” I ask tersely.

“Right here,” she answers, coming up from behind him. “What are you doing here, Ashton?”

“What’s he still doing here?”

She narrows her eyes at me. “We’re having a beer before he goes home. Now, what are you doing here?”

“Go wake Reed up. I’m taking him with me.”

“What? No. He’s probably asleep already, and I’m not waking him up so you can -”

“I just want my son, Brooke. I was going to come get him tomorrow anyway.” I glance at Nate and then back to her. “Not trying to pick a fight with you, okay? Are you going to go get him or not?”

“No. He’s–”

“What are you doing here, Dad?”

Brooke and Nate turn to see him in his pjs, rubbing his eyes, his hair all messed up.

“What are you doing up?” Brooke asks him.

“I’m thirsty.” Thank the heavens.

Before Brooke can say anything, I go, “Want to spend the night with me? Tomorrow is Do-Anything-Reed-Wants Day.”

He breaks out into a grin. “Yes! I’ll go get my shoes.”

“And your coat,” I remind him as he disappears to his room.

When Brooke faces me again, she’s pissed. She doesn’t get a chance to say anything, though, because Reed is running back with his coat half on and his shoes in his hand.

“Bye, Mom. Love you,” he says without a glance her way as he pushes through them.

“Here, I’ll carry you and you carry your shoes.” I pick him up and Brooke only has the chance to call out an ‘I love you’ back to him before we’re out the door.

“Did you get my message?”

“I did.”

“You got into a fight,” he states.

“I did.”

“It was cool.”

I laugh, feeling better and happy that I went to pick him up, even if I did piss Brooke off. She’ll get over it. Maybe Lexie was right to end things. She did okay before me and I did okay before her. She has Sadie to make her happy, and I have Reed.

As we set up a campout on the living room floor, I can’t help but think that being
okay
is a shitty way to live the rest of your life when it has the potential to be so much more. It’s settling before giving complete happiness a chance. However, if that’s what Lex wants, then she can have it. Someone else could come along at some point for me and who knows, they might be able to make me happier than Lexie did.

Fat chance, but who knows.

Reed can be my focus and sole purpose in life. If I keep him my only priority, then I won’t have time to think about anyone else.

Right?

Wrong.

Thoughts of Lexie hit me first thing in the morning. Reed is asleep still, but somehow, he’s lying sideways and his feet are propped on my chest. I hold his ankles together with one hand and tickle his feet with the other. That wakes him up. He starts kicking and groaning, his sleepy-state demanding I stop, but it soon gives way to him giggling.

“Dad! Stop! I mean it!”

I laugh as he screams and sits up to push my hands away. “If you would eat all your vegetables like your mom wants, then you might be strong enough to stop me.”

“I eat my veggies!” he defends, his little fingers trying to rip my fingers away as he laughs harder. “Stop it, Dad!”

“Okay, okay.” I let go of his feet and he moves so quickly, I get the air knocked out of me as he jumps on me, an elbow jabbing me right in the ribs. Damn, that actually hurt. I easily grab him and pin his arms to his side as I sit up to get a better hold on him. “That’s enough of that. I’m going to let you go and if you try to attack me again, the tickle monster is coming after you.” I quickly tickle his sides to show him I mean business.

“Okay, stop!” I do and let him go. “What’s for breakfast? I’m starving. What are we going to do today? I want ice cream.”

“I’ll see what I have. You go get dressed. Jeans and a long-sleeve shirt because it’s cold out there today.”

He nods and heads to his room. I get up to go see what I have for breakfast. My phone rings, so I go back to get that. I sigh when I see the called ID.

“Hello, Brooke,” I answer.

“Care to explain last night? What the hell was that, Ashton?” If I had to guess, I’d say that she’s still just as pissed as when I left her on her doorstep last night. “Not only did you question me about Nate spending the night with our son in the house, you made him uncomfortable, and you took Reed in the middle of it all. I don’t care if you want him to stay with you, but a phone call would have been nice, and you sure as hell didn’t need to bring Nate into it.”

“Are you done?” I ask when she takes a breath. “Look,” I continue, not waiting for an answer, “I’m sorry I was a dick. I’ll call Nate and apologize too. I wasn’t expecting him to still be there, and well, you saw the game.” Leaning my forehead against the fridge, I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. “I’m in love with Lexie, Brooke. She doesn’t want a relationship or me anymore.” A half groan, half growl erupts from deep within my chest. “I miss her so much already and it only ended yesterday.”

“Then go after her, Ashton. I don’t understand why you’re giving up on her so easily.”

“Because she’s already given up.”

“But if you love her -”

“I love her enough that if she wants to walk away and leave me, then I’m going to let her go. I can’t make Lexie love me back.”

“You can’t make her, but you can show her that she already does,” she tries.

Before I can respond, I hear Reed ask, “Dad, are you okay?”

Turning towards him, my chest tightens at the thought that he overheard me. “I’m fine, little man, why?”

“You had your head on the fridge door.”

“Oh, right. I just have a headache. Will you go find the headache pills in my bathroom for me?”

“The bottle with the picture of the brown pills?”

I nod and he goes off to get medicine for my fake headache.

“Did he hear you?” Brooke speaks up.

“I don’t think so. Let me get off here and cook breakfast. I’ll bring him home around six or seven.”

For the rest of Do-Anything-Reed-Wants Day, I wait for Reed to ask me about my phone call with Brooke, but he never does. Good. He must not have heard anything, then.