Letters Home (30 page)

This time when we deployed, I got that letter out, but instead of handing it to Chaplain Hayes before we left, I held onto it. One night I sat Tanner down and explained what I wanted him to do. After a little convincing, he agreed. After talking to you on the phone one night, I realized what I hadn’t before. If something were to happen to me, you would fight yourself at every turn to keep from feeling that kind of pain again. And it would get to the point when you’d need my help.

Sweetheart, sometimes there are things we want that aren’t meant to be. I wish more than anything it was me who was there with you, to be the man you have kids with, and we could grow old sitting on the front porch together. No matter how bad I want those things to happen with me and me alone, your happiness is more important than anything else.

Love without regret. Life is too short for regrets. This would make my love for you a thing to celebrate, instead of a thing to mourn.

I’ll be honest and tell you that this letter was so much harder to write than the first. The thought that I might never see you again makes my stomach twist in knots, but even scarier for me is the thought that you might spend the rest of your life alone because of the decisions I’ve made. I’d rather you be happy with someone else than alone, holding onto the love you had for me. You are the most important thing in my life and if that means putting my own feelings aside to tell you this, then that is exactly what I’m going to do.

You deserve to be happy and feel loved. Don’t let your fear control you. There’s enough love in you for both of us. Follow your heart and let it teach you how to love again. I know that I will always hold a place in your heart, as you will in mine.

My love always,

Nate

There were no sounds. There was nothing except the letter in my hands. Part of me wanted to curl up into a ball and sob at Nate’s words. How well he knew me was almost my undoing. He’d always known exactly what to say, and when I needed to hear it. The fact that he was trying to take care of me even now, almost a year later, was a hard pill to swallow.

I wasn’t sure how many times I reread that letter, letting Nate’s words sink in, remembering how I’d fought my feelings for Tanner at every turn, whether consciously or unconsciously, in my attempt to not betray him. And yet, falling in love and moving on with my life was exactly what he’d wanted me to do. It was easier said than done.

For hours I sat and stared at the words until my eyes burned from trying to focus. But still I stayed frozen to my spot, the words twisting and turning through me. At one point I heard Marissa and Liam arguing outside my door—she wanted to come in and check on me but he wouldn’t let her, saying that when I was ready to talk I’d let them know. There were just so many emotions to process. The hurt and anger at Nate’s loss. The uncertainty of finding happiness again. The fear of getting hurt again. And the anguish that I might have ruined everything. How could Nate stand to think of me moving on? How could he sit there and write such a thing, never knowing whether it would happen or not? Eventually, the stress was too much. Just like in those first few days after Nate’s funeral, I let sorrow and grief and pain drag me toward sleep. I had no desire to do anything, all I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stay there for the rest of my life.

That night, I fell asleep with Nate’s letter clutched to my chest.

The brief flicker of sunlight through the blinds woke me, and my head pounded as if I’d consumed vast quantities of liquor the night before. If only that were the case. A couple of painkillers and a glass of water later and I’d be right as rain. But there was no magic cure for my problems—that would make life too easy. Forcing myself out of bed I trudged down the hall to the bathroom, afraid of the sight that would greet me in the mirror. The person starring back at me was barely recognizable. The renewed grief had taken its toll and my eyes were bloodshot and swollen, not to mention the pallor of my skin. I needed a shower to help clear some of the cobwebs.

After the turmoil of the night before, there was one person I needed to talk to. He would have the answers I needed. I finished my shower and grabbed a pair of jeans and a T-shirt to throw on. I didn’t really care about my appearance. Getting to the base was more important. When I walked into the living room to get my keys, I found Marissa and Liam asleep on the couches. They had been so good to me through everything that I just wanted to let them sleep. Besides, this was something I had to do alone. I could tell them about it later.

As quietly as I could, I tiptoed out of the apartment and to my car. I wasn’t sure if Tanner had thought to have my pass revoked, but I couldn’t use it anyway. With that type of pass, your name had to be on the list or they would call to verify that you in fact were there to visit them. I was better off having them contact Chaplain Hayes from the front gate. I pulled up to the gate and crossed my fingers.

In no time at all the guard waved me through. Chaplain Hayes was standing at the doors, waiting for me when I pulled up.

“Danielle, I would say I’m surprised to see you, but we both know that’s not the case.”

“You knew?” I gasped. The idea that he knew about the second letter and said nothing did not make me feel better.

He nodded. “Tanner came to see me a few days ago. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be far behind.”

A whoosh a breath left my lungs. “Tanner’s part of it, but what I came to see you about is this,” I said, pulling the letter out of my bag and handing it to him.

“What is this?” His brows drew together over his eyes.

“I was hoping you’d have some answers for me. Read it.”

He opened the letter and began to read. At first his face reflected the same shock I’d felt, knowing that it existed, but the shocked morphed into a frown, and eventually a smile. “I wondered why Tanner had brought you that letter,” he muttered. “Let’s go into my office.”

The office brought back memories of the last time I’d been in there, when we were planning Nate’s funeral. A shiver zipped down my spine but I knew if I was going to learn anything, I had to push those thoughts out of my mind. Thankfully, Chaplain Hayes led me over to the couches on the other side of his office. When we were both seated I started with the first thing I needed to know.

“Why would he write this for me?”

He looked at the letter. “My guess is that he knew you better than you thought. After my conversation with Tanner the other day, I’m pretty sure this is exactly what you’ve been doing.”

“How am I supposed to choose?” I asked, my voice breaking on the last word.

He reached over and placed his hand on my arm. “That’s the thing—you don’t have to choose.”

“Except, all I feel when I think about loving Tanner, is how I’m cheating on Nate.”

“It’s clear that Nate’s only concern was your happiness.”

“So you’re telling me that Nate didn’t care if I met someone else?”

“You know that’s not the case. He didn’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone with just memories of him.”

We sat in silence for a moment, giving me time to absorb what he was saying. Could it really be that by denying my feelings for Tanner, I’d been betraying Nate’s memory all along? To think of how I’d acted the other night made my stomach flip. If I’d eaten anything that morning I was sure I would have thrown it up. “All this time I thought it was wrong…” I trailed off and buried my head in my hands.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders in a gesture of comfort. “Do you love Tanner?”

I lifted my face to him. “I do, but I doubt he wants to see me again.”

“When I spoke with him the other day he hadn’t decided what to do. What I do know is that he’s been willing to fight for this the entire time, even knowing that he may never succeed. I think if you want to show him how much you love him, you’re going to have to do some fighting of your own.”

“And what do I do about the guilt that drove him away in the first place?”

“That’s simple. You remember how much you love Tanner, and that love is a celebration of what you and Nate had, not a reason to mourn it. You’ve mourned his loss, now it’s time for you to be happy.”

Happy. I’d almost forgotten what it meant to be happy until Tanner walked into my life. His smile warmed my heart. When I was feeling down he made me laugh and see the beauty in being alive again. His love for me showed in everything he did for me, and all I done was deny my feelings for him at every turn. I was an awful person. I didn’t deserve a man as wonderful as him.

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

His lips pinched tight. “Then I guess you’re not the woman I gave you credit for. The person I thought I was helping would realize that we all make mistakes, and would fight for a love that could be great.” He stood and walked to his desk.

“He deserves someone better than me. He said so himself.”

“Was he angry when he said it?”

I thought about the look on his face when those words left his mouth.

“Yes, but mostly he was hurt.”

“You see, Danielle, he does deserve better, someone who is willing to give him her heart. Like Nate said, your heart is big enough for the both of them. There’s nothing wrong with keeping a piece of it for Nate, but if you love Tanner then you need to give the rest of it to him.”

Suddenly, everything fell into place. He was right. I had enough love for them both. Nate’s memory would always be a part of me and I was lucky enough to have found someone like Tanner who understood that. It was a matter of letting him in and giving him the rest of me.

Jumping up, I threw my arms around Chaplain Hayes’ neck. “Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with loving Tanner.”

“I will.” It was time to start fighting for what I wanted.

He patted me on the back. “Go. Talk to him.”

I picked up my purse and keys. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

He smiled as I left his office, so determined to see Tanner that I drove straight over to his apartment, hoping that somehow his field training assignment meant that he’d be home. I knocked twice on the door and waited. A few moments later it swung open to reveal a bleary-eyed Greg. “Can I…” His eyes widened in surprise when he realized who was standing at his door.

“What are you doing here?” he snapped.

“I need to see him, is he here?”

“No.” He started to shut the door. I placed my hand up to stop it from closing.

“Greg, wait.”

“Wait for what? I know you lost your husband and for that I’m sorry, but you have no idea what you’ve done to him.”

I looked at my feet. “I know I hurt him.”

“Hurt him,” he repeated incredulously and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the apartment. “I show you what you did.”

He slammed the door and turned me around to face the wall. “There’s what you did to him. Had Colin and I not been here it could have been much worse

The sight of the wall made me sick to my stomach. There was a fist-sized hole in the wall with small droplets of blood spattered around it, some more on the floor. “He punched the wall?”

“What did you expect him to do? Come home and be happy that the only woman he’s ever loved doesn’t want him?”

“But I do want him! That’s why I’m here. I’ve always loved him, I was just scared to show it.”

He leaned against the back of the sofa assessing me. The eyes focused on me were so intense it felt like he was searching down into my soul.

“Say for a moment I believe you, what do you plan on saying to him?”

“I would…I would tell him how much I love him, and how sorry I am. I’d tell him that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.”

Greg continued to watch me, and the steadiness of his gaze caused me to fidget with my hands, waiting for him to decide whether or not to take me at my word. After what seemed like hours his shoulders dropped and he took two steps toward me to wrap me in a hug. “That’s exactly what I think he needs to hear.”

I rested my head on his shoulder. “Will you tell me where he is?”

“I wish it were that easy. He’s on the range, which means he won’t be back until Saturday. They stay out there. They get more accomplished by not traveling back and forth.”

I pulled back to look at him. “Saturday?” I said quietly.

“Yeah, which gives you a few days to decide if this is really what you want, because you can’t go into this partway again.”

“I promise you, I want it more than anything.”

“Okay then. I can’t tell you what time on Saturday, but I’ll make sure you’re on the visitors list.”

“Thank you, Greg. I’ll be back on Saturday.”

I took a step toward the door. “Oh and, Danielle.”

“Yes.”

“I leave for range training on Saturday, so you guys will have the apartment all to yourselves.” He winked.

I couldn’t stop the blush that covered my face. Nodding, I walked out the door.