Authors: Elena Matthews
“I’m Doctor Bailey, I am one of your daughter
’s neonatologists.”
“Hi,” I say, with a small smile.
He crouches down to the wheelchair level, and I can’t ignore the patter of my heart, beating a little faster when he does. I didn’t realize doctors could be so good-looking or so young for that matter. He honestly can’t be any older than thirty.
“I’m not going to bore you with medical jargon, I know you’ve been through a lot, so this will be brief. Your daughter is stable, doing brilliantly. She has responded well to the surfactant replacement, and her breathing is improving remarkably. Her X-rays confirm that. Her blood pressure is normal for her gestation. She is, however, showing early signs of
jaundice.”
He pauses on a sympathetic smile.
“In simple terms, the liver produces a yellow chemical called bilirubin. Bilirubin is a waste product of the breakdown of red blood cells, and in preemies they seem to accumulate more red blood cells than your average person. Because they have an immature liver and kidneys, it prevents them from breaking the bilirubin down efficiently, therefore, producing the jaundice and causing the skin to have yellow pigmentation. It can be fatal if not treated.
“We
’re going to keep a close eye on her for the next twenty-four to seventy-two hours. If her bilirubin level continues to rise we will proceed with phototherapy, which will help dissolve the bilirubin and change it from fat soluble to water soluble so it is able to be excreted in the urine and the stools.”
He stands, and I just continue to stare at him, dumfounded at the information. My mind is in such a whirlwind that it
’s quite possible I will forget what he said in a couple of minutes time.
“I’m going to examine her now, take a blood sample and check her vitals, and then I’ll be out of your hair.” He smiles down at me before turning towards my daughter and opening up her medical chart.
“That’s okay, I don’t mind,” I state softly, finally finding my voice as I follow my gaze from him to my daughter. I can see Doctor Bailey from the corner of my eye as he sets her chart back into the little pouch on the side of her incubator, and then goes to work by opening the small isolette doors on the incubator and examines her. Soon enough he begins to draw blood from her umbilical catheter, and it makes me wince slightly. I’ve never been great with the sight of blood.
“Have you thought of any names for
Baby Jacobson?” he asks as he continues drawing blood, obviously trying to help fill up the silence.
“Um, no, I haven’t thought about names, it all happened a bit too quickly.” What kind of mother am I? I haven’t even come up with a name for my daughter, and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I
’m supposed to call her. My tears begin to fall again.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m so sorry,” he says sincerely. He takes the tube of blood and shuts the doors to the incubator, reaching over to pass me a tissue.
“It’s fine,” I say breathlessly through a sob as I accept a tissue. “It’s just a sore subject, I’ve been like this all day.” I wave my hand in front of my face as if it isn’t a big deal. It is. It’s a huge deal.
“Your body has been through a lot, it’s normal to feel all of these emotions, and as for the names, you’re not the only one. My sister-in-law was exactly the same, it took her about four weeks to decide on a name for my nephew.” He smirks, before continuing. “What I’m trying to say is you shouldn
’t be so hard on yourself, the name will come, and if not, Baby Jacobson isn’t so bad.” He raises his eyebrows, with half a smirk. “It’s better than Stir Mix-a-Lot, which was my nephew’s nickname for four weeks straight.”
I don’t know how he does it, but he actually manages to get a bubble of laughter out of me. It
’s the first feeling of happiness I’ve had since before I gave birth to my baby girl. “Seriously? As in Sir Mix-a-Lot?” I ask, surprised, wiping my runny nose as delicately as possible with the tissue.
“As wrong as it sounds, yes. She changed the Sir to Stir as he was a very wriggly baby.”
I smile up at him before looking back at my daughter. She is currently stretching her left arm with her tiny fingers wriggling around.
“It seems you got yourself a wriggler too, she looks as if she is trying to reach out to you.” He points towards her arm that has gone all opera style with her stretching.
“You think so?” I ask, through a smile.
“Oh yeah, definitely, she says so herself.” I can’t help but choke on ano
ther laugh when her forefinger curls up, moving towards her as if she is saying, ‘come here’.
“I wish I could hold her, even if it’s just to hold her hand,” I say as I look intently at her.
“Well it’s a little too early to hold her, but you can definitely hold her hand.”
“Really?” I breathlessly mouth as I graze my hand over the plastic of her incubator, wishing it were her hand I was actually touching. He unclips the porthole to the incubator and opens the door.
“Well as long as you’re well sanitized, to avoid any infection for your baby, then you’re good to go.”
I move my arm upwards a little apprehensively and place my hand through the porthole. I look back up towards Doctor Bailey to ensure I’m doing it correctly, and with a nod of encouragement from him, I look back towards my beautiful daughter and gently graze my finger within the base of her hand. I stroke it in delic
ate circles until she grasps my finger so tightly I actually gasp in shock. “Baby girl, you’re so strong,” I say through uncontrollable tears. I can’t believe it. I am actually holding my daughter’s hand, and it feels incredible. After a short while my eyes become such a blurred mess that I have to remove my hand from the incubator, so I don’t poke her in the eye or something. I gently close the door and turn the latch securely in place. I glance back up to the doctor and smile. “Thank you,” I whisper, in awe. He has quickly become my favorite person. He let me hold my daughter’s hand. He has made my day just that little more bearable and he even managed to put a smile on my face.
“No problem.” His gaze lasts a little bit longer than is usually regarded as socially acceptable, but his eyes are so bright and beautiful that I could get lost in them for hours. His hand touches my shoulder, and he lingers for a few seconds with a soft squeeze before walking away, leaving me winded and quite possibly electrified. His touch was like wildfire. The moment his fingers touched my shoulder my entire body almost exploded. It was strange. I have never felt like that with anybody.
After a short while of just gazing contently at my baby girl, the nurse who brought me in, comes back. “Sorry to interrupt doll, but we should really get you back to your room, it’s been a long day and you need your rest. Plus, your midwife said you’re having trouble expressing your breast milk, she wants to see if you have more success a second time round.”
I was advised for the first forty-eight hours that I needed to hand express my breast milk rather than express from a pump, so I tried earlier on, and I don’t know if it was the stress of today or because I am so exhausted, but I couldn’t express a drop. I have been told that breast milk is better than formula for premature babies as it helps with nutrition and can provide antibodies from infections. I am absolutely devastated that my daughter will have to use donated breast milk until I can express my own. My body is just letting me down in all aspects lately.
I press my fingers to my lips and linger them against the incubator, just where my baby girl’s head is resting. “Bye, baby, I’ll be back soon, Momma needs some rest. I love you so much, keep fighting for your momma, please.” I weep as the nurse wheels me out of NICU, and towards my room.
When I get settled back into my bed, the midwife assists with my hand expressing and even though it
’s still a struggle, I manage to express a little until I began to express thin air. I hope with a good night’s sleep I can express more because I don’t know how much more of this I can handle, my body rejecting everything.
The nurse leaves me to get some sleep, and as I allow sleep to evade me, the phone I have clutched in my hand alerts me to a text message. I smile when I see it
’s from Caleb.
Caleb:
I’ve just boarded. I have a connecting flight into Dallas, then Dallas to Seattle, but I will be with you as soon as I can. Love you. Xxx
Chapter 2
Soft stroking against my hair shakes me out of my sleep. Slowly, I open my eyes to Caleb looking down at me with a precious smile, his fingers lingering on my cheek
“Caleb,” I croak, rubbing my fingers against my eyes, removing any remaining sleep.
“Hey
, sweetheart,” he delicately whispers. I begin to sit up in my bed, when I am brought to a halt as pain shoots across my stomach, leaving me a little out of breath. “Are you okay, should I get a nurse?” His eyes widen with worry.
“I’m fine, it
’s just my stomach, it fucking kills.” I clutch my arms around my stomach as I fully sit up.
“You
’re really okay?”
“I am now you’re here.” I give a half smile as my eyes fill with the build
-up of tears and my chin trembles with the essence of my emotion. “I’m so glad to see you, you don’t understand how hard...” I gulp to try and remove the lump that seems to have become a permanent fixture in my throat. My mind goes back to yesterday, and it hits me with a vengeance. “How…hard yesterday was I...” All of a sudden, something from the inside of me makes me snap with anger that I didn’t realize had risen to the surface. “You know what, Caleb? I fucking needed you, and you weren’t here!” I bawl at the top of my voice, my throat crackling like sandpaper. “I gave birth to my baby on my own, I needed you here.” I begin to slap him across his chest, but when that doesn’t ease up my anger, the weight behind my hits strike harder, more forceful as I continue to treat him like my own personal punch bag.
“My fucking waters broke, and of all the places in the world, you were over the Atlantic fucking Ocean! You were supposed to be here!”
My screams become muffled in Caleb’s chest as he grabs hold of me, wrapping his warm arms around my body. The hysterical tears fall down my cheeks, and I try to push him away, desperately trying to ignore the ball of fire that is currently shooting across my stomach, but his strong grip won’t let me. I scream into his chest. I don’t mean to take my anger out on him, but my emotion knows no bounds. Every inch of my body is trembling as I continue to claw against him.
“Let me go!”
The bed dips as I feel him straddle my legs, pinning me in place, trying to calm me down. It doesn’t work. In fact, it makes me even more furious. “Get it out, get it out, baby,” he encourages, rocking me back and forth in a steady rhythm as the anger continues to course through my body.
“Fuck you!”
The screams eventually begin to be replaced with hyperventilating cries, then the cries slowly subside to allow for the hiccups and, finally, everything is silent. Once Caleb knows I have calmed down he repositions himself, so he is lay on his back, with my head leant against his chest and his arm wrapped around me, while his hand lazily draws shapes along my back.
“I’m sorry,” I say, the whisper so quiet I almost think he hasn
’t even heard me.
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” His lips linger in my hair.
“I know, but you didn’t deserve that, none of this is your fault.” The guilt of my behavior simmers around in my stomach, and I feel terrible.
“I’m your best friend, if you need for me to be your punching bag, then that’s what I’ll be.”
I sigh contently, gripping hold of him more tightly, wanting to enjoy the closeness for a little while. He really is amazing. I love him so much. I would’ve married him if he didn’t prefer men.
“When did you get here?”
“My flight landed about two hours ago. I would’ve been here sooner, but I went to your place first, to grab you a few things. I brought some sweatpants, PJ’s, some underwear, your phone-charger, and some toiletries.”
I sit up from his embrace, hissing out in pain as I do.
“Thanks, Caleb, speaking of toiletries I could really do with a shower, I feel gross.” Caleb is up on his feet to help me out of bed before I have even finished my sentence. “Hold up speedy, could you get me a nurse? I’m not sure if I can get my stomach wet yet.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in a sec.” He exits the room, but as fate would have it, a nurse enters moments later. Thankfully the nurse allows me to have a shower, just as long as I don
’t get water directly over my caesarean wound.
After my refreshing shower, I dress in a pair of loose lounge pants and a comfortable sweatshirt. Caleb is currently braiding my wet hair while I sit on the edge of the bed, clutching hold of my agonizing stomach.
“Have you managed to get hold of Sebastian yet?” His question suddenly becomes a red alert. How long was I asleep for? Shouldn’t Sebastian have gotten the message by now? Panic circles through my veins, as I picture bad scenario after bad scenario in my head. Shit, what if something has happened to him and he doesn’t even know about his daughter? Oh fuck no...
“Ava, what’s wrong?” I can hear Caleb, but he sounds distant. Disastrous images invade my mind, and I begin to feel nauseous and light headed. A cold sweat breaks out over my body and before I understand what
’s happening I am suddenly laying down on the bed, with a panic-stricken Caleb stood over me and a doctor with a torch shining in my eyes.
“Miss Jacobson, can you hear me?” I recognize that velvety strong voice, but I struggle to figure out who it is. I follow the sound with my eyes until I come across a pair of incredible green eyes, the same body tingling green eyes I saw yesterday. Strange. He’s my daughter’s doctor, not mine. I don’t understand why he
’s here.
“Doctor…” I rack my brains trying to remember his name, but absolutely nothing comes to me. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me?
“Doctor Bailey, we met yesterday, do you remember me?” How could I not? His gaze is really quite hypnotic. Wow, those eyes. They are really distracting. What did he ask me again?
“Um, yeah, you’re the doctor with the pretty eyes.” Did I just say what I think I said? Oh my God. I can hear quiet chuckling, and I desperately wish the ground would swallow me up. I am mortified.
“So, Miss Jacobson, you took a bit of a funny turn, how are you feeling?” he asks, not once looking away from me. How does he know my name? I am so confused right now. I think back to what caused my dizzy spell...
“I um, I think it was a panic attack…I um...” The horror of the thoughts that had consumed my mind earlier begins its continuous loop of devastation again, making me feel light headed.
“Ava stay with me, your panic attack, what’s happening?”
“Sebastian…Sebastian is hurt…they have him…they
’re going to kill him…but he doesn’t know about her yet…my baby girl…he can’t die yet…I need him…she needs him…he can’t die…”
Then everything goes black.
I can hear voices begin to stir through my mind as consciousness slowly sweeps back in, but I can’t open my eyes, they feel heavy. The two voices sound familiar though, warm and comforting. It immediately relaxes me.
“Do you mind if I ask, Sebastian, is that her husband?” says voice number one. I think it’s Doctor Bailey.
“No, he’s her boyfriend, he
’s currently in Afghanistan,” says voice number two. Caleb, that is definitely Caleb.
“Oh I see.”
“It’s his third tour. She hasn’t taken it very well, what with the pregnancy, and plus it isn’t exactly easy for her to get a hold of him. I’m worried. She isn’t herself, she’s having panic attacks, passing out, something I don’t think she has ever done in her entire life.” Did I really pass out? Jesus, my body is just giving up on me. “This screaming, out of control Ava, is not the Ava I know. She’s usually much stronger than this.” When I hear this, I feel a little angry towards Caleb. It’s one thing admitting your own flaws, but it’s another hearing them come out of somebody else’s mouth. Especially your best friend’s mouth.
“She
’s been through a lot during the past thirty-two hours, her body has been through something awfully traumatic, and that along with the stress she seems to be under, I’d say her behavior is absolutely normal.”
“Really? So this is normal? She’ll be fine?” Caleb seems surprised by Doctor Bailey
’s answer. It surprises me too. I certainly don’t feel normal at the moment.
“Yes of course she will be, her body is in shock, we just need to let her rest...”
Sleep begins to pull me under again, and I am unable to hear anything else that is said between Caleb and Doctor Bailey.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I gradually wake up after what seems like a century of sleeping. I notice a sleeping Caleb with his head resting against the edge of my bed, his hand tightly wrapped around mine. He must be exhausted. The poor thing. I remove my hand to stroke gently through his hair, but with a sudden start he jerks his head backwards, looking around the room, frantically trying to find his bearings. After a short moment of trying to work out where the hell he is, his eyes finally fall on me, and a small smile lifts from his lips. “Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” he says, through mid yawn, covering his mouth with his hand.
“I’m okay, I think...” In fact, come to think of it, I have no idea how I am feeling. It’s bizarre. It
’s as though I’m not in control of my emotions. One minute I can say I’m okay but then the next I’m turning into a raging bitch, like earlier. My mind and body are a walking contradiction.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly.
“Well you look a little bit better, but you have to stop scaring the shit out of me like that. That’s twice in a matter of thirty-six hours, I can’t cope with anymore,” he says, sliding his hand into mine again, giving it a gentle squeeze. He smiles warmly at me. “I have some good news for you.”
I have no idea what good news he might have. In fact, what good news could I possibly have? My life in the past God knows how many hours has been a series of bad luck after bad luck. It couldn’t get any fucking worse, that’s for sure. Oh, Sebastian. Oh shit, Sebastian?
“Did Sebastian call?” I ask, my voice rising with hope.
Caleb smiles.
“Yeah he did. So you can stop with your panic, he is absolutely fine.”
“Did you speak to him? What did you say? What did he say?” I
say, not coming up for air. Then I snap. “Why didn’t you wake me when he called?” I raise my voice, anger crashing through my body like a tidal wave.
“The doctor gave me strict instructions to let you sleep.”
“But I needed to speak to him, I wanted to speak to him,” I say, with a tremble to my voice.
“I know you did, but you needed your rest, you’ve been through so much.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” My anger simmers away as I clutch hold of his hand. “So what did you tell him? Does he know about the baby?”
“Yeah. I told him everything, he was absolutely devastated, especially the part about being on your own during the birth.”
My eyes fill up with overwhelmed tears. This is why I wanted to speak to him. “Oh God,” I say, gasping for air, wiping away tears that are falling down my face. “What did he say?”
“Nothing. He broke down.”
He cried? In the four years I have been with him, not once has he cried in front of me. The tears fall recklessly as I picture him breaking down.
Caleb continues.
“Afterwards, Sebastian said he was going to try and come home on emergency leave, although it can be quite difficult to get emergency leave within his unit, but he said he’d try his hardest to come home.” Caleb gives me a sad smile. The possibility of Sebastian being able to come home on leave lifts my spirits slightly. I miss him unbearably. “But I told him if he couldn’t get the time off, I would be with you every step of the way so that you won’t be alone. And you won’t, Ava, you know I have your back, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I know. Your goddaughter and I need you.” I smile as I bring his hand to my mouth, kissing his knuckles softly.
“Goddaughter?” He utters in shock, flabbergasted by my words.
“Yes of course, you’re my best friend.”
“Ava…I…I…fucking love you.” He almost jumps on top of me, hugging the life out of me, which evidently causes my stapled stomach to burn straight across the incision. He must feel me flinch because he suddenly pulls away, his smile fading with worry. “Shit. Is that hurting you?” Thankfully, the pain subsides the moment he pulls away.
“I’m okay. So are you happy to take the role of her godfather then?” Having godparents for any child of mine isn’t something I ever thought about. I am not particularly religious, but the thought of having Caleb as my daughter’s godfather makes me happy. I know Caleb would be like a second father to her.
“Happy? I’m ecstatic; you’ve made me the happiest man alive!” He slams his pouted lips onto mine enthusiastically. “Can we go and see her now? I’ve been dying to see her since I arrived.”
I squint with confusion.
“What do you mean? Haven’t you seen her yet?” I can feel my heart rate thump faster as rage begins to flood my veins.
“No.”
“Not even when I was asleep?” If this is true, if he hasn’t seen her, I am going to hit the fucking roof. Please tell me he has seen her.
“No. I ask
ed, but the nurses said I weren’t allowed to go in without you.”