Losing Eva (The Eva Series Book 2) (9 page)

"Brynn, Brynn. Calm down.” A familiar voice was by her side.

"Dr. Nguyen! Oh my God, where is my baby?” Brynn looked up at the doctor, desperation pouring from her big brown eyes. The doctor was beautiful, middle aged, exotic looking, and typically very poised and calm. But today, she looked different. Today she looked slightly disheveled and messy, and Brynn had never recalled seeing her look quite this way.

"Brynn. I need you to calm down and breathe. Everything is going to be okay, but I need you to calm down and breathe first.” Patricia Nguyen had been Brynn's obstetrician during her pregnancy, and though she never asked Brynn about her scars, she knew that they told a horrific story. From Brynn’s visits and the scars, Patricia knew that she needed to be careful with Brynn.

Brynn could tell that the doctor was biding time. She tried to take deep breaths and calm herself down. But the anxiety was swelling over her like the tide, and she felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest.

Just then, Adam flew into the room, eyes wet and red. Brynn was alarmed, and immediately felt her heart start to race. He stood next to Brynn and held her hand, gripping it tightly and looking into her eyes.

"Brynn," Dr. Nguyen took a deep breath. "Your baby was premature. When you came in, we found you and the baby in distress. We acted as quickly as we could..."

The room was silent and Brynn felt the roar of quiet resounding in her ears. All she was aware of was that she was not breathing, not thinking. It was as though the moment had stopped, waiting for the doctor's next words to move it forward in whatever direction it was meant to go.

Brynn dared not breathe, waiting for what Dr. Nguyen was going to say next.

"Your baby is in the NICU. Her lungs are still not fully developed, and with the loss of oxygen to her brain...”

Brynn faded out. She could see Dr. Nguyen’s lips moving and see the sadness on her face that she was trying to mask with her professionalism, but Brynn could see. She could see Adam out of the corner of her eye, and feel his hand gripping hers tightly.

She could make our words like
ventilator
,
lung function
,
brain damage
, but the rest of the words jumbled together into nothingness. She could tell by her expression that the message wasn’t good, but the words ran together into incomprehensible sounds, and Brynn was silent.

Dr. Nguyen finished talking and looked at Brynn expectantly, not realizing that she hadn't been listening the entire time.

Adam looked at Brynn, waiting.

After what felt like a lifetime of silence, Brynn turned to Adam, her eyes overflowing with tears as she smiled. "A girl, Adam. We have a baby girl. We have our baby Sophie."

Adam was dumbfounded. It was as though Brynn hadn’t heard a word the doctor had said.

“Brynn, Brynn. Do you understand? Do you understand what Dr. Nguyen said?” Adam was beside himself. He had expected many different reactions, but this wasn’t one of them.

Brynn looked at Dr. Nguyen, her eyes pleading. “Can I see my baby girl? When can I see her? I want to see her now. Now!”

The doctor looked at Brynn, tears welling in her own eyes. “We can go see her now if you would like.”

“Yes, I would like to go see her now,” Brynn said her voice strong and resolute.

After fifteen minutes, they made their way to the elevator, Brynn secure in a wheelchair with an escort, and Adam, and the beautiful doctor leading the way. Brynn was excited, although Adam had warned her about the incubator and the tubes, but Brynn didn’t seem to hear him. She didn’t hear anything. As they got closer, she was flush with anticipation, and was oblivious to everyone else around her.

They made their way into the NICU, and Adam stayed as close to Brynn as possible. He knew that she was not prepared for what she was about to see. Dr. Nguyen led them to a single room and held her breath as the reached for the handle. “Brynn, are you okay? Are you ready?”

Brynn didn’t look at her. She looked around her through the glass of the room. “I’m ready. Just open the door,” she said, a hint of frustration in her voice. She was anxious to meet her daughter.

Dr. Nguyen opened the door and they wheeled Brynn into a room full of monitors and a mini bed enclosed in plastic. Brynn was confused.
Where is my baby
?

She looked frantically around the room and couldn’t find the crib.
Where is my baby
?

Her big brown eyes settled on the mini bed encased in hard plastic. She peered inside.

Her breath caught as she saw the tiny arms and legs inside.
She’s so small, how can she even be alive? Oh my God, how is she alive?

She looked at Adam helplessly.

“Honey, we’ve been trying to tell you…” Adam said, his voice trailing off.

The room was silent as Brynn took it all in, looking but not seeing.

“Can I touch her?” Brynn finally said, quietly. “I want to touch her.”

Dr. Nguyen started to speak, and then cleared her throat. “You can reach in through here,” she said pointing to two holes that were big enough for Brynn’s hands to reach through. “But for right now, she needs to be isolated. She can’t be exposed to any germs.”

Brynn looked at the baby, her eyes wide and her face glowing against the incandescent light in the incubator. She was in awe. The tiny body was full of tubes. Brynn couldn’t believe there were so many.

Dr. Nguyen showed her where to put her hands and how to touch the baby, and Brynn put her hands in eagerly. The gloves frustrated her, and she hated not being able to feel her with her own skin. Dr. Nguyen explained that it was to protect the baby.

Brynn needed to touch her baby.

“Sophie,” she said in a singsong voice that she had never heard come out of her before. “Sophie, its Momma.”

Adam watched silently as Brynn talked to her. He had listened to every word that Dr. Nguyen said, and he doubted that Sophie would make it past week two. But he loved her in spite of himself. He was worried about Brynn. He knew that Brynn would love her even if they said she wouldn’t make it for another day. He knew his Brynn, and he knew how deeply she loved.

Brynn looked at the tiny body in the incubator. Barely four pounds, the tiny body was nothing but skin and bones. She couldn’t believe how small the body was. Sophie’s arms were so little, and Brynn stared hard at her spindly arms and legs. She had never seen anyone so frail.

“Sophie,” Brynn said, putting her face as close to the baby’s head as she could. “Sophie, Mommy’s here. We love you. I love you so much.”

The baby lay still, her tiny chest moving up and down ever so slightly with each labored breath. Brynn watched, fascinated with her tiny body, wanting so desperately to touch her hands, to feel her skin with her fingers. She looked at Adam with an expression that he had never seen before. Brynn had known deep sadness in her life, but this was something more than she had ever felt before. Even in the depths of her misery, after an especially harsh beating from Thomas, she had never felt as desolate as she felt now—separated from her baby by a thick plastic enclosure.

It was torture to be so near her, but not be able to pick her up and hold her. She ached from somewhere deep within a part of her soul that she never knew existed, when she looked at Sophie.

“Oh my God, Adam,” she said turning to him, her big brown eyes bigger than he had ever seen them before, “Oh my God.”

Adam stood behind her and held her tight. He could feel the frailness of her body, and he got as close to her as he could to try to give her some of his strength. He had been down in the NICU while Brynn was sleeping and had come to terms with the inevitable. He knew that Sophie wouldn’t make it, and he was preparing himself. But he didn’t know how he could prepare Brynn.

Tragedy seemed to separate them, and he was terrified of what losing Sophie would do to her. He prayed that Dr. Nguyen was wrong and that Sophie would come out of it strong and well.

“What do we do?” Brynn whispered to no one in particular, as she stared down at Sophie’s tiny body. She marveled at her dark fluff of hair, much like her own. She imagined what it would be like if Sophie were a little girl, and she could brush and braid her hair.

Dr. Nguyen’s voice came from beside them, low and quiet. “She’s suffered a lot, Brynn, and she isn’t doing well. I don’t know how much longer she will have. You have to decide how and when to let her go when the time comes.”

Brynn felt her heart stop.

“You can’t ask me to do this! You can’t ask me to let her go!” she said angrily. “I can’t, and I won’t.”

“I hope you don’t have to,” Dr. Nguyen said slowly, looking at Brynn sympathetically. “But you and Adam need to talk about what is realistic, and what may happen.”

Brynn stared at Sophie. Brynn’s heart was beating loudly in her chest. She hadn’t imagined when she woke up this morning that this would be the conversation she was having with her doctor. She imagined a beautiful day watching her friend get married, but not this.
How does it come to this? How can my life become this, after everything I have gone through?

“We don’t have to do anything now, honey,” Adam said holding Brynn close to him. Brynn stared over his shoulder at the incubator, her eyes dark. “We can take our time.”

The room was silent with only the sound of the machines working to keep Sophie alive, humming and swooshing quietly.

Brynn closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind. She ignored the voices echoing through the room telling her that everything was going to be alright.

JOHN PALMER OPENED THE DOOR
and stared. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Ellie!” He yelled, reaching out and engulfing her in a hug before she could step away. He was so excited to see her that he didn’t notice when she didn’t hug him back. “Where have you been? Where’s Eva?”

Ellie looked at him coldly. John realized that he was still holding her, and he let her go abruptly. Caught up in his excitement, he had forgotten how Ellie was. John could just feel James’ disapproval in his mind. James would never have approved of John losing his composure the way that he did.

“Where is Eva?” John repeated looking around.

Ellie knew that this would be the first question that he asked her, but she still didn’t feel prepared to answer him.

Ellie said the first thing that came to her mind. “Eva’s dead.”

John stepped back, his deep hazel eyes wide with grief. He had imagined the worst, but now that it was reality, he was saddened beyond expectation. “How? How?” he whispered motionless.

Ellie didn’t answer. She put her head down and pretended to cry, loud, wailing sobs that shook her entire body.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Why did I say she was dead? Shit! Now I am going to have to figure out an answer!

Just then, John realized that there was a young man on the porch behind her. “Who…who is this?” he said to Ellie.

“This is my friend, Dylan.” Ellie sniffed loudly, keeping her head down and avoiding John’s gaze.

John knew that he should have felt more sympathetic toward her, but he didn’t. Something just didn’t feel right.

John realized that they were still standing outside, but he didn’t feel comfortable letting them in.

“John, who is it?” Tricia’s voice startled him from behind. She appeared from behind him and gasped when she saw Ellie. “Oh my God! Ellie! Where is Eva?”

Ellie was annoyed.
Why is it always about Eva? Why can’t she just ask me how I am? Jesus!

John turned around and looked at Tricia, his eyes big, and Tricia froze. She could read her husband like an open book, and she knew what that look meant.

Tears immediately sprung up in her blue eyes, and she turned away, stifling a sob. She had been hoping and praying for so long that everything was going to turn out well, and that they would find Ellie and Eva safe and sound.
How can God do this?

“Do you want to come in?” John said slowly, opening the massive oak door just a little wider.

“Um, sure,” Dylan said awkwardly, pushing Ellie toward the door, her head still down.

He was beginning to question why he was even there. He had agreed to go to Ellie’s hometown with her, but he didn’t know what they were doing at this stiff’s home.
What the hell is she doing?

They stepped into the foyer and paused.

“Have you been home?” John asked Ellie, looking only at her and ignoring the young man behind her.

“No,” Ellie said quietly.

“Then why are you here?” John was confused.

“I heard. I heard they were missing. I heard they were possibly even dead. I knew you would know,” Ellie spoke mechanically, coldly, almost as though she had no feelings whatsoever.

“How did you hear?” John said, trying not to sound annoyed. He wanted to know where she had been. He wanted to know what happened to Eva. She wasn’t volunteering any information, and he wanted desperately to know what happened to her over the past decade.

“I just did.” Ellie avoided his gaze.

He should have known that with Ellie wouldn’t offer more than she wanted to. She was straight to the point, and never gave more information than she needed to. This infuriated James, but John had never dealt with Ellie before, and now he felt frustrated. How can she go missing for nearly ten years, and then reappear with no explanation?

John turned around and looked for Tricia. She had been his rock, helping him to grow in confidence so that he could run the company that James was no longer there to run. They had their difficulties, but overall, the company was solid, and John knew that his mentor would be proud of him. John felt lost without Tricia. She was his confidante and the person who knew all of the right things to say. Aside from being at work, she was never too far from him, and that is the way he liked it.

She came around the corner and he breathed a sigh of relief. At not even forty, she had barely aged a day as far as he was concerned. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Everything is going to be okay, he could almost hear her telling him.