Lost and Found (8 page)

"Five? Oh, that's such a cool age too. I should have kept in
touch better. For that, I am truly sorry. I wanted to call you so many times to see how you were doing, but I just figured
it would end up with a conversation to where we would
both be bawling and I'm sorry, but I just couldn't do it. I realize now what a mistake it was." A few tears fell down
her cheeks and I could tell that Vanessa meant a lot more to
her than she let on and this time he put his hand over hers
in a comforting way.

"No Claudia, I understand. If it hadn't have been for my
parents helping out, I don't think I could have gotten
through those first horrible weeks."

"How are your parents? I ran into them a few months ago,
but I was in such a hurry, all I could do was say hi and bye.
They looked well."

"They're doing pretty good. They keep the kids every
weekend and spoil them rotten and then the kids come
home and give the nanny hell, because she doesn't spoil
them like their grandparents."
My first thought is ok, nanny? He works so he has to have
help, but doesn't he spoil them rotten? I'm sure he does in
the evenings when he gets home from work.

"So tell me about your nanny? Is she hot? Is she every
man’s dream, or as old as methuselah?" She was cracking
up and honestly I didn't see anything funny about it.

"Old actually, and wanting to retire. She told me yesterday
that she was putting her two weeks’ notice in and that if the kids were older she could stay on, but honestly, they wear
her out. They have way too much energy for her and you
never know what Gideon is going to get into, and he loves
giving her presents from the amphibian family, whether it’s
frogs, lizards, or garden snakes. He's not scared of
anything!"
He must have been visualizing Gideon's escapades because
there was that smile again that spread all the way to the top of his cheeks and his eyes were shining brighter.

"So you're looking for a nanny? Did you know that Olivia
is in between jobs right now? And she's awesome with
kids. She used to substitute teach at the local school where
she lived and help out with the latch key program before and after school." She looked over at me with an excited
grin on her face. "See Olivia! There's you a great job and I know Cash will pay you well, won’t you?"

My first thought
is that she didn't mention that I was also a mother. Or used
to be anyway, but I'm thankful she didn't, so that I wouldn't
have to explain how Derek and the kids died. I kicked her harder than I had ever kicked before. I don't
know why she didn't wince, but Cash got an odd look on his face.

See, even he thinks it’s a bad idea, which it is. Just
because I told her I would think about getting a job, didn't
mean I wanted to be his nanny. I can't
handle being around children. It brings back too many
memories. I grabbed my drink and gulped it down as fast
as I could and asked the waitress that was walking by to get
me another one.

"Olivia? What do you think? I'm really stressing out trying to figure out what I'm going to do. My parents have mentioned retiring earlier than they had planned, when I
called to give them the news and this would be an answer
to all of our prayers."

He was looking at me like he was hoping that I would just
say yes right there on the spot. Just because he's the kind
of man that I'm sure gets what he wants, doesn't mean he's
going to have his way on this. He doesn't even know me. I could be an axe murderer for all he knows, taking care of
his kids. I would have to know my children's parents for
months and would go to visit their house, before I would
even consider letting them sleep over at their house.

"Consider your prayers answered, Cash. She'll do it.
Won't you, Olivia?" I kicked her again. Harder than I did
last time and what I heard next had me lowering my head
and downing my drink that had just arrived.

"Would you please quit kicking me, Claudia? What's
wrong with you? That's twice now! I'm going to have a
bruise on my leg for weeks!" Oh god! That's why he
winced earlier. It wasn't because he didn't want me to be his nanny. It was because I kicked HIM instead of HER! Oh no!

"I didn't." She looked over at me and knew right away that
it was me. "I'm sorry Cash, haha. I keep getting these
cramps in my calf and I'm trying to extend my leg out to
make them go away. Man they've been killing me lately, isn't that right. O?" Thank you Claudia for coming to my
rescue again.

"Um. y y yes. she has been having a lot of them lately. You're probably just low on potassium or something."
Whew! Check please! And another drink! I have a
really good buzz going on now.

"Oh, you can talk. I was wondering if maybe you were
mute or something."
I gave him a very hateful scowl. "Not that there's anything
wrong with being a mute. It’s just, I believe that's the first
thing that I have heard come out of your mouth since I walked into the room."
I'm looking away, trying to take in all of the
surroundings, anything, but this conversation that we are
having right now.

"Claudia, kick me again, because I think I just stuck my foot
in my mouth. I do that quite often, I'm afraid. I sincerely
apologize, Olivia, but the job is yours if you want it. Claudia
and I go way back and she's like family to me, so if you're
her family, then you're my family as well." Oh, what do I say back to that?

"I accept your apology, but I really don't think that this is
the job for me."

The idea of spending any time with kids terrifies me.
That's what I wanted to say! I would become too attached
and your little girl is too close to Jenna's age when she died,
and I just couldn't bear to spend time with her every day. Gideon is too close to Jeremiah's age and sounds just as
mischievous as he was, and no no no no no! I just can't do
it!

"Before you dismiss the idea would you at least listen to
what the job entails?" I looked up and he was staring at me,
waiting for my reply. It would be very rude of me to say no, so I just nodded my head.

"Ok. My parents pick the kids up every Friday at 5pm and
bring them back on Sunday at 6pm. You would need to be
there by dinner time at 6pm Sunday, and then get them
bathed and ready for bed. You will watch them all week,
morning and night, and take Gideon to school every
morning and pick him up after school. No need to worry
about driving, because I have a driver that will take you to
his school and he will take you to go pick him up as well. Eden won't start school for another year, so you will watch
her every day, but don't worry she still takes naps,
according to the nanny. You can have a couple of hours
break before its time to pick Gideon up from school and if she's still asleep, you can just leave her there with the cook.
She loves the kids to death, but she doesn't have the time to
watch them. Are you with me so far?" I nodded for him to
continue.
Is he kidding? When does he spend time with them?

"I'm usually away on business two or three nights a week and
when I'm at home, I'm working in my study. The kids know
not to bother me when I'm in my study, so it will be your
job to make sure they don't get any ideas and come bother me
. You will have weekends off to do whatever it is you
want to do, as long as you're back at my house by 6pm
Sunday, when my parents bring them home. The job pays
$3000 a week but I will pay more if you want more, because
money isn't an issue. You will have your own suite that
connects to the children's rooms, so that if they wake up in
the middle of the night sick or from a bad dream, you'll be
right down the hall from them. You will also have monitors
to look in on them that have audio as well. So, what do
you think? Do you want the job?"

I so want to kick Claudia for real, but I refrain myself from
doing so, just that in case I accidentally kick Cash instead.
Actually, kicking him sounds good about now. He's not
looking for a nanny for his kids. He's looking for a
mother. That is something that I'm not anymore. Never again. I look to Claudia for some way out of this and I can tell that she knows what's going through my mind, because
she saved me.

"You said your nanny put her two weeks’ notice in right,
Cash? How about we let Olivia think about this? It is a
rather big responsibility that she would be taking on, when
you lay it all out just like that." She looked at me and I gave
her a smile, thanking her silently for ending this
conversation.
He seemed a little disappointed when he answered, "Yes
Olivia, please think about it, but I would feel more
comfortable with someone that I consider family. Please
don't take too long to get back to me with your answer. Like I said, if it’s not enough money, then I will pay you more." There was that grin again, along with the intensity in
his eyes. It didn't have the same effect on me like it did
earlier, though.

"You'll be the first to know, if I decide to or not." NOT!
There's my answer. God, I need another drink!

We ordered dinner and more drinks and they told
stories from college. I wasn't really listening. I would just nod my head and laugh at the right times and act
interested in the conversation, but I was more interested in
making sure my glass didn't get empty.
Afterwards, we all exchanged phone numbers, because they
didn't want to lose touch again and my number got
exchanged, because I think Mr. Blue Eyes is expecting me
to take the job, which is NOT going to happen.
We walk outside to wait for Claudia's car and exchange
pleasantries, while waiting.

"It was very nice to have met you, Olivia. I hope to hear
from you soon on your decision." He shook my hand and
said goodbye and leaned over to Claudia to give her a hug
goodbye.
Claudia and I got into her car and there was nothing but silence for five minutes. She knew I was mad. Mad and
drunk.

"I have four words for you, Claud! Not talking about it
tonight! Four words!" I put four fingers in front of her face.

"I understand, but you do realize that that's five words,
right?" She giggled. She actually giggled.

"Grrrrrrrrr! I'm so mad at you right now!"

"That was seven words and an angry growl." Are you kidding
me right now?

"Grrrrrrrrr. You don't always have to have the last
word!" I pointed at her this time and she looked at
me and pretended to zip her lips and the rest of the ride home was very quiet.

CHAPTER FOUR

I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. One advantage to that was that I had slept so hard that I didn't have to worry about any nightmares.

My first thought was of Cash. How could such a highly intelligent, gorgeous man be such a callous ass to his own children? I would give anything to spend 5 minutes with my children and his are alive and from what I remember hearing from him last night, he could care less about spending any time with his. I remember that he didn't mention anything about the children's dinner arrangements. Maybe that was "their" time each day. My second thought was how I was going to spend my day in the many ways of torturing Claudia. I vaguely remember getting into my bed last night, but I do remember her volunteering me to be a nanny to Cash Kingston's kids.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. While I'm in there, I glance at myself in the mirror and whoa do I look bad! I brush my teeth and walk into the living room, ready to make Claudia beg for mercy. She's sitting on the couch reading the newspaper and looks up and smiles.

"Good morning, sleepy head. I hope you slept better than you look. There are some aspirin on the counter right next to the coffee pot with your favorite creamer already out and waiting for you." Wow! She sure seems mighty perky this morning. It's going to take me at least a cup of coffee before I can function or deal with her.  After I took my aspirin and fixed my cup of coffee, I headed back into the living room to sit down at the other end of the couch. She's watching some news channel now and reading the paper. She puts the paper down and turns towards me and starts staring at me, which pisses me off.

"Don't talk to me for at least the next ten minutes. My head is pounding from drinking too much last night, but I DO remember what led me to drinking like a fish!" I reach for the paper that she laid down, to look like I was doing something to keep from talking about last night.

"Since when do you read the newspaper?" She's still staring at me and it's making me madder. Why can't she just let me wake up?

"Since right now. Isn't it neat that all of the dogs at the dog pound got adopted yesterday? At least something good came out of yesterday." I looked over and glared at her.

"Someone doesn't want to talk." She's finally getting the hint. She rolls her eyes at me and looks at the TV.

"Oh, we will be talking. I just asked for 10 minutes and it’s only been 2!" Now, what do you have to say for yourself? 

She got up and stomped into her room. Stomped? Really? It had me remembering a time that Jenna was upset with me because I wouldn't give her any candy. She had given me the silent treatment and stomped off very dramatically to her bedroom. Haha. That memory had me giggling. Jenna was always my little drama queen and I always threatened to send her to her drama queen Aunt Claudia when she became a teenager. I went from giggling to tears in a matter of seconds. Jenna will never get to grow up to be a teenager. She'll always be 5 years old. My last memory of her was her soulful dark brown eyes asking me to reassure her that we would all be ok.

Thinking back on our last conversation, had me glance over and pick up the last family picture that was taken of the five of us that last Christmas together that Claudia had put on her end table. I begged her to take the picture down or put it in her bedroom, because it made me so sad, but she refused and said it made her happy to look at it and that I never come into the living room anyway, so why did I care.

That last Christmas was so amazing and wonderful. Derek and I had gotten all 3 kids brand new bicycles and after we had eaten our Christmas dinner, Derek and I went for a walk, while following them on their bikes. I was so nervous, because Jenna was so little, but her big brothers were always protecting her. Jordan stayed in front of her and would tell her when she needed to stop and Jeremiah stayed behind her and kept telling her what a good job she was doing, because she had learned a few months before how to ride without training wheels. Derek and I were behind all of them just laughing and talking about how sweet they were to their baby sister and how when they grew up they would be over protective, when the boys came knocking at the door for their little sister. I put the picture down, waiting for Claudia to come back into the living room.

************

I glance up 30 minutes later and see a white bra in the air, hanging off of a hanger at the corner of the wall. I immediately started giggling and Claudia poked her head around the corner with a big smile on her face.

"Can we call a truce? Please?" She gets down on her knees and starts crawling towards me, which has me rolling in laughter.

"Ok, okay. Truce! Now get up off of the ground." By now she's almost on top of me, batting her eyes at me.

"Only if you mean it." She pretends to tickle me and she knows how ticklish I am and how much I hated it when she or Derek would do that to me, to get me to give in to them.

"Yes I mean it, but if you even think about tickling me, I will take it back!!" She immediately gets up and goes to the other end of the couch and sits towards me and turns the TV off.

"Okay. Let’s talk. Let me have it. Oh, and good job at kicking Cash by the way. Thank God I know how to sit like a lady at a table, or I'd be making you nurse my leg today. And I must say, Bravo. Hahahaha." She stands up and bows to me, while clapping. "At first I thought he had lost his mind, until I saw the look of utter pain on his face and the shocked look on your face and I realized you were meaning to kick me." She is laughing so hard when she sits down, that she starts kicking her legs into the air pretending to kick someone. How Claudia always manages to find humor in everything, I will never know. Honestly, it calmed me down. Inwardly, I was still wishing it was her that I had kicked instead of Cash.

"I was mortified when I realized it was Cash that I kicked, but after he gave me the job description, I was glad it was him that I kicked! His poor babies! Does he spend any time with them at all?" The idea of him not spending any time with them broke my heart. Their mother was dead and it sounded like he was there, but he didn't make himself available to them at all.

"Yeah, when he was telling us, I was kind of shocked myself. When Vanessa was alive and Gideon was little, he was a hands-on dad. He would even change his diapers and take him to visit friends, so Vanessa could rest. Vanessa told me that she fell more in love with him when he became a father, because there was nothing more attractive than a man with urine or throw up on his shirt, while cuddling his child and falling asleep in each other’s arms." It was good to know that I wasn't the only one to pick up on the fact that he wasn't quite being a dad to his kids. Well, from what he said. Who knows what really happens when no one is around.

"I just hope for their sakes that it’s not all business with him and he does find time to spend with them. Did you notice that he got a gleam in his eye when he talked about his little boy, but when he was talking about his daughter he looked sad? Surely, he doesn't blame her for Vanessa's death. That would be awful for her, to grow up and not feel loved by her father. That's just crazy, if he is." There is nothing more important than for a little girl to grow up idolizing their fathers. Your father is supposed to be your first love and make you feel loved and safe and secure.

"Not any crazier than YOU thinking that you killed YOUR family. Accidents happen and that's just what they are. ACCIDENTS!" I looked at her and she knew immediately that she had hit a nerve with me.

"There's no comparison, Claud and you know it! How DARE  you say that to me!"

"Why is it different? From what I've heard, there was no medical miracle that could have saved Vanessa. How is your situation different?" She looked at me as if she were goading me and she raised up on the couch ready for my attack.

"For one thing, I didn't just lose a spouse. I lost my WHOLE family! Husband AND kids! At least he has two kids to keep her memory alive, when he looks into their eyes. I have what?" I glanced at the photograph she had on her end table. "PICTURES? Their GRAVES to go visit on Memorial Day and their BIRTHDAYS?" I stand up to go to my bedroom, because I'm not having this conversation.

"Olivia! Don't you DARE walk out on this conversation! I'll tell you what you DO HAVE. You have your LIFE, to continue on and LIVE. That's what you HAVE DAMMIT! You are 32 years old, not 72. You're way too young to NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE. If you're going to just throw it all away like you are acting LIKE YOU WANT TO DO, then you might as well just pack up YOUR SHIT right now and join a CONVENT! You're young and beautiful and there's absolutely NO REASON as to why you can't meet someone down the road and have more kids and have a family again. THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE! So don't bother walking out now. I've already said what I want to say and I'm getting out of here for a few hours."

"Say hello to my parents then, because I'm sure that's who you're going to call, to tell them that I didn't fall for your scheme of replacing my entire family. POOR OLIVIA! SHE'S SO DEPRESSED, WE SHOULD HAVE HER COMMITTED!" I'm standing behind her, just waiting to hear what she has to say next, but she turns around and has tears falling down her cheeks and she seems a little calmer.

"I'm not calling your parents, O. I just need to get some air. I'm sorry I went a little ballistic, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I know I'm right about this. You have given up and you seem to think that your life is over. That's the only reason I told Cash you would take the job, so that you could get out there and see what the world is about again, because you're missing out on a great life, if you would just live it. I didn't mean for you to take it the way you did. I know you can't replace Derek and the kids. There will never be another Derek, Jordan, Jeremiah, or Jenna. They were each their own unique person, but you can still have another family someday, a different family, full of life and love and laughter. It doesn't mean you have to forget about them, but just.... Move forward. They would want you to be happy and that's all I want for you as well. I love you, Olivia. Don't you know that? I care about how you feel and what you're doing to yourself."

She walked up closer to me and hugged me as hard as she could and I hugged her back, not realizing that I had needed the comfort as well. She then picked up her keys and purse and left. Just like that, as I'm standing in the middle of the living room with tears streaming down my face. After a couple of minutes of just standing there, I  walked into my bedroom and crawled into my bed and pulled my hair over my shoulder and started running my fingers through it, thinking about what all she said and thinking that maybe she was right. It was time for me to move on and as I was falling asleep, I was hoping to see Derek and the kids in my dreams.

****************

I woke up to buzzing. I looked over at the alarm clock on
the night stand and it was one in the afternoon. I had slept
for four more hours after my argument with Claud. I
realize the buzzing sound is coming from my cell phone
and I immediately answer it, before whoever it is goes to
voicemail.

"Hello?" I didn't even think to look at the caller ID.

"Hello, sweetheart! Are you just now waking up from your
wonderful night out last night? Please tell me yes."
Oh my word. It's my Mother! Wonderful night? That
would be a big no!

"I was taking a nap, Mom. I've already been up and was still
worn out from yesterday and last night, so I needed a nap. How are you doing?" Please don't ask me a bunch of questions. This is my mantra every time I speak to my
mother.

"Oh, I've been fine, Honey. Actually, I've been ecstatic since
your Father told me you got out of the house yesterday. It
absolutely made my year. You have no idea how worried
we have been about you and especially yesterday."
I have one decent normal day and everyone thinks I'm
turning a corner and everything is supposed to be....
What? Back to normal? There will never be a back to
normal for me. I don't care if I have a week of decent days.

"Well, I wouldn't say shopping and getting my nails done
was the answer to all of my problems, Mother. But, I'm
really glad that everyone seems to think so."
Why is it so much easier to talk to my Dad than it is my mother? I know she's just worried about me. I could hear
her hesitation through the phone, so I quickly apologize.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I know that sounded rude, but yesterday was a long day and it really did wear me out. I've been a
little cranky today." There. Hopefully that will make her
feel better, because at the moment I feel like a child again
that needs scolded.

"It's okay, Sweetheart. I know that one day isn't going to
clear your mind of all your hurts and worries, but honey,
just taking that first step at something normal was a big
deal. I just don't think you realize it yet."

Yes, I'm starting to realize it. Yesterday seemed, well,
normal. I couldn't tell you how many days Claudia and I
had like that in high school and when she would go visit all
of us during the holidays.