Authors: Jennifer Bryan Yarbrough
"Claud and I did have fun Mom, but I think I need to space
it out in spurts. It was a really long day, like I said, but I did
enjoy myself and it was the first day in a very long time
that I've actually laughed and didn't feel guilty about it, so
that's saying something. Oh, and I actually got a job offer
last night." Oh, why did I tell her that? Now I'm going to have to tell her what it is. I was just trying to change the subject. Why
did I go there?
"Oh, honey. That's great! What kind of job offer? No
matter what it is, I know you'll do great!" I could hear the
excitement in her voice.”
“It was a job offer to be a nanny, but I'm not going to take it,
Mom. I just can't handle being around kids. I don't think it
would be a good idea."
I cringe every time I drive by a park where kids are
playing. I would take the kids after school once a week to
the little park in town, and I would take snacks and drinks
along. It was always our favorite day of the week. The boys would always tease each other about certain girls that
they liked and Jenna would beg me to push her in the swing
the whole time, because it was her favorite thing to do.
"Well, I can see why you are hesitant, but Olivia... You
were always good with children, even before you had your
own. You pretty much ran your own daycare every summer
when you were in high school and if I remember correctly
you made some pretty good money doing it."
I did enjoy doing it and I paid cash for my first car with
that money. I was really proud of that car, because I worked
really hard to pay for it and it was an accomplishment to
say that it was mine and not given to me, like all of my
other class mates, who just had things given to them without
ever having to work for it.
"Money isn't really the problem, Mom. Granted, I would be
paid a lot, and I mean a lot of money doing it, but we both know I don't need the money and this wouldn’t be like working in a daycare. This would be spending time with
them twenty four seven, through the week and off on the weekends. I
would get attached, I know, and what if it didn't work out? I
can't see myself working for the children's father. He's kind of a jerk and doesn't spend any time with them, as far as I
could tell and I would be their substitute mother in a way,
because their mother is dead." That's the reason I'm so
scared to do it. My heart already goes out to them and I
haven't even met them.
"Oh, sweetie. That just breaks my heart for those babies,
maybe you could reconsider. Try it for a couple of weeks and see how you feel about it maybe?"
This thought had crossed my mind, because I'm realizing
that getting a job would get me out of the house and not
dwelling on the past so much, but I'm more interested in an
office job of some sort, not being a full time Nanny.
"I don't know, Mom. Claudia and I discussed me applying
for the file clerk position at the firm where she works. I
think that would probably be the best thing to do."
"Olivia, I don't care what job you get, I just want you to be
happy again, sweetie. I'm just glad you're thinking about it." I could tell that she was smiling. "Oh, I need to go. I have
your dad planting some trees outside and he is putting one
where I told him NOT to put it!" Oh, my poor father,
haha...
"Poor Dad. Go easy on him, you slave driver! Haha...
Mom, you ought to think about being a prison warden. Haha." I bet she tells Dad what I said and he's going to flip
out, thinking I ratted him out, which will end up making him
rat himself out. Just the thought had me laughing my head
off.
"Slave driver? Do you know how long it has taken me to
get him to work on the stuff I've wanted done to the
house? Months! You let me know what you decide to do.
I love you, sweetheart."
"I love you too, Mom. Talk to you later, bye."
I'm glad we ended the conversation better than it started. I
hear the front door open and Claudia coming in and it sounds like she has groceries with her. I'm not sure if I
should go help, or go back to sleep and not face the music.
Oh, who am I kidding? I might as well go face the music.
*****************
I walk into the kitchen and Claudia is putting up groceries
and I see a pizza box setting on the counter top. My
stomach automatically growls, as the aroma reaches me.
She turned around and saw me standing there.
"Hey." She turned back around to put the milk and eggs
into the fridge.
"Hey yourself. I guess pizza is for lunch?" I can tell that
she does not want to talk to me, by the fact that she never
turned around to look at me and by her long sigh.
"You can eat whatever you want. It's your house, too."
And here we are... A civil conversation, but not really. Man
I've messed things up between us pretty bad. I know that all
she's trying to do is help because she loves me, and I know I
worry her, but she has been pushing me too far the last
couple of days. But if I'm honest with myself, I've also been
hiding from reality for the past year and a half in my grief,
waiting for death to find me and it hasn't found me yet.
The more I think about our conversation this morning, the more I'm beginning to think that maybe she's right.
"So, I guess we aren't going to go have lunch today?" She
turns around this time and glares at me. Ouch.
"I didn't think you would feel like going to eat today, for our
usual Sunday lunch after doing so much yesterday, so I
decided to bring dinner home." She pointed at the pizza
box. "If you don't want pizza, I bought sandwich stuff or
whatever you want to do. I'm through suggesting anything."
I've really messed up this day, or maybe messed up
period.
"Claud? I'm so sorry about this morning. I've been thinking
about it and
you were right. I will do better from now
on. I mean it
"
I'm looking at her, but she's staring at the floor now,
anywhere but at me. She looks up at me and she just looks
so vacant, like she's there but she's not.
"I really don't care anymore. You don't have to prove
anything to me. I'm tired of fighting with you, worrying
about coming home and finding you dead from suicide, not
being able to sleep at night, so that if you have a nightmare, I
can go comfort you and tell you the same thing I always do,
that there is a reason you are alive." She looks defeated and it’s my entire fault. I put that stress on her shoulders. Here I am thinking that she's been selfish,
by forcing me to quit grieving and I'm the one that has been
selfish, by fighting with her because she's what? Trying to
get me to remember how to live? How to have fun?
"I know I'm not the only one that lost a lot that day. Derek
was your brother and they were your niece and nephews
and the only family you had left, besides me, but I'm
wondering, how did you get through it? Since I obviously
checked out, how did you cope with everything?"
Why I wanted to know the answer, I will never know, but I
wasn't expecting her answer. She looked up at me with
tears in her eyes.
"I wouldn't say I've gotten through it, Olivia, because living
with you, I am reminded of it all day long every day, but as far as how I cope with everything?"
She sits down at the table and I follow her lead and sit
across from her.
"I joined a grief counseling group five months ago, to try
to figure out a way to help you, because I haven't been
doing a good job of helping you myself. I was hoping that after the one year anniversary went by you would kind of
come out of your depression, but you didn't. I've learned
that I had a lot of grief that I was holding onto, because I
didn't have anyone to talk to and once I started talking
about it, it's really helped." I am shocked to hear this, because I know how she feels about therapy of any kind. She has always thought that it
was a waste of time and money. I'm also embarrassed and
ashamed of myself at not being there for her. She had
mentioned a couple of times about me going and I waved
her off telling her that all I needed was time. I've used that
excuse for a very, very long time.
"I have really been a lousy selfish friend to you and for that,
I am so sorry."
I reach across the table and grab her hand. So many times
she has been the one to grab my hand and comfort me and I
took her for granted and never once thought about how she
was dealing with her grief.
"I don't want to play the blame game. I just want us to
figure out a way to move forward and get rid of the ghosts
in this house and focus on living, I just can't take the darkness that's in this house anymore, I feel suffocated!"
That's exactly how I have felt since the accident. Like I was
suffocating and couldn't ever catch my breath. It's time to start
breathing again. A thought crossed my mind,
something that I really needed to do, but haven't had the
courage to do.
"You're right. I need to go do something, but when I come
back, let's watch some movies and just have a lazy day
today" Her eyes kind of lit up a little bit and some of her
spark came back.
"You have lazy days every day. Are you serious about watching some movies? You're actually going to sit with
me in the living room and WATCH TV?" One thing about
Claudia is that sometimes the simple things in life, like
spending a day just watching movies, will make her happy!
"Yes, Claud. Watch TV! I won't be gone long. Maybe an
hour and then I'll be right back."
"Ok, I'll be here waiting." She gave me a quick hug and
walked into the living room, looking for some movies to
watch when I got back.
*****************
I pulled into the cemetery, after stopping at the store to get
some flowers to put on the tombstones. I had meant to
come yesterday for Derek's birthday, but Claudia changed
things up a little and I didn't want her to know how often I
came to visit. The leaves on the trees have been changing and all of the fall colors made the cemetery look even more welcoming,
as I pulled up to where Derek and the kids were buried.
There was a big oak tree with a bench next to it where their
plots were and I would come up here often, while Claudia
was at work, listening to music and spending time with
them, reminiscing about our lives and talking to them like
they were right there.
Sometimes I could see them. They wouldn't ever speak to
me of course, and I'm sure it was just a figment of my
imagination, but it gave me some sense of peace somehow.
I knew why I had to come here. It's time for me to move
on. Not forget them, but move forward with my life and not
be so dependent on having to come here to feel near them. I reach for the flowers and get out of the car and head over
to the headstones. I had buried Derek and Jenna side by
side and Jordan and Jeremiah behind them. In my mind, it
was to have them closer together, but after coming to visit
so much it seemed easier to talk to all of them, when I
would sit between Derek and Jenna's headstones and face
Jordan and Jeremiah's.
I take away the flowers that I brought a few days ago off all of them and put the new flowers in the
vase that was attached to the tombstone.
On Derek's headstone, I had a figurine of a muscle car
encased on his. Jordan has a baseball on his. Jeremiah has a
basketball and for Jenna, I put a ballerina figurine. It was a piece of something they all loved.
I sit down in my spot, between Derek's and Jenna's
headstone and face the boys'. I need to get started on
what I came to do, but I can't come up with the words. All I
can do is sit there with tears streaming down my face and
play with my hair, while building up the courage to talk.