“What can I say? I’m injured, not dead, and you inspire me.” His raspy voice was music to her ears.
“Oh, Ryan.” Tears seeped from her eyes, rolling steadily down her face.
“Hey.” He reached out his good hand and cupped her face, wiping awkwardly at her tears. “Don’t cry, sweetheart.”
His endearment was the last straw. She buried her face against his chest and cried. The heavy thump of his heart reassured her, and he held her with his good arm as she shed her tears of fear and relief. When she was finally done, she sat back, swiping at her cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. For everything.”
His expression went blank. “I see.”
“No,” she protested. “You don’t.”
Before she could begin to explain, the curtain was pushed open and a nurse stood in the doorway. “I’m afraid you’ll have to leave for a bit. We’ve got to get Mr. Jamieson cleaned up and moved into his room.” The nurse, an older woman with a no-nonsense attitude, strode to the bedside and began to check Ryan’s blood pressure. “You should be able to see him again in an hour or two.”
Esther stood uncertainly. Ryan’s face was turned partially away from her and his eyes were closed.
“I’ll be waiting outside.”
Ryan opened his eyes. The heat from moments before was gone. Maybe she’d imagined it. “You don’t have to wait.” His voice was flat.
Even though the nurse was watching the reading on the blood pressure cuff, Esther knew she was listening to every word. “I want to.”
“Suit yourself.” Ryan closed his eyes again, dismissing her.
Pain rocked her, but she did her best to ignore it. She’d hurt him and they needed to talk about that. Without another word, she turned and left the curtained room.
Chapter Nine
Ryan swallowed hard, ignoring the various aches in his body. She was sorry. For everything. The pain he felt was almost incapacitating and he groaned.
“Are you in pain?” the nurse asked.
He shook his head, not bothering to open his eyes. He felt the nurse hesitate and then she patted his arm as she removed the blood pressure cuff. “Try to relax. We’re going to move you now and get you cleaned up. The medication the doctor gave you will start to work soon and you’ll feel better.”
He already felt light-headed, and he knew he was going to be sporting bruises on his back and his legs where the beams had caught him. But nothing was broken, he was alive and all the kids were safe. That was all that mattered.
When he’d heard Esther was waiting to see him, hope had blossomed inside him. When she’d stepped into the room her face had been pale but composed. He’d waited for her to say something. Anything. And all she’d said was that she was sorry.
He didn’t want her damn guilt.
He’d seen the fear in her eyes when she’d reached the side of his bed and knew that his accident had fed into it. Then she’d said she was sorry. He could still hear the sadness in her soft voice, and he swallowed hard.
He’d lost her.
Hell, he’d never really had her. His life had been cut short in the past life they’d shared. This time, it was her cutting short their life together.
It was her choice.
Damned if it was.
Determination filled him. He’d talk to her when he got out of the hospital. Make her see that they could have a life together.
He opened his eyes and stared at the closed curtain. His vision was blurry, from the smoke or the pain medication, he wasn’t quite sure. He blinked, but it didn’t change. Was she still out in the waiting room or had she left? He hadn’t meant to be so abrupt with her, but her words had hurt him and he’d struck back instinctively.
Heaving a sigh, he tried to sit. Bad idea. He heard the nurse’s voice in the background, felt the pain snake up his back and into his skull.
Everything went dark.
Esther wasn’t quite sure how she made her way back to the waiting room, but she somehow found herself sitting in one of the hard, ugly chairs.
Suit yourself. Ryan’s words, delivered in such a hard, flat tone, were still ringing in her ears. He’d seemed happy to see her when she first entered the room. What had gone wrong?
I’m sorry. For everything. That’s what she’d said. She mulled the words over in her mind and froze. “Oh, my God,” she muttered under her breath. What if he thought she’d meant she was sorry for everything that had happened between them? He couldn’t know that she meant she was sorry for not trusting what they had between them, for not trusting in love.
What must he be thinking? There he was in a hospital bed in pain believing she regretted what had happened on the beach that night. It was almost too much for Esther to bear.
Or maybe she was totally wrong. Maybe she’d waited too long to come to her senses and he no longer cared. No. She wouldn’t, couldn’t believe that. The connection they had, what they’d shared, was stronger.
Squaring her shoulders, she reached into her purse for her cell phone. She needed to call her boss and arrange for a couple days off work. The mess with Ryan would have to wait until he recovered. They’d get this straightened out. One way or the other, he was going to listen to her. She’d tell him exactly how she felt and they’d go from there. It wasn’t too late to change things. Not this time. This time they were both still alive.
And where there was life, there was hope.
Ryan’s mouth felt dry and he licked his parched, cracked lips. He shifted slightly and heard the crinkle of crisp bed sheets beneath him. The slight smell of smoke was tinged with something medicinal. The hospital.
Memory floated back in bits and pieces. He’d been at a fire doing a rescue when he’d gotten clipped by several falling beams on the way out. His fellow firefighters had pulled his sorry ass out and he’d been taken to the hospital.
Esther had been here. He remembered her pale face and red-rimmed eyes. Her hand had been shaking when she’d fed him ice chips. Then she’d collapsed against him, crying as though her heart was breaking. Just the memory made his chest tighten painfully. He’d hated seeing her cry over him. That was the last thing he’d ever wanted to happen.
He shifted and realized that he was naked beneath the sheet except for the hospital gown he was wearing. And those things were so short and flimsy he might as well be wearing nothing at all.
Somewhere between the emergency room and where he was now, someone had stripped his gear and clothing off him. It was all pretty fuzzy, but he was almost certain he’d still had his underwear on when he’d been talking to Esther. But maybe not.
They’d also given him a sponge bath. He could smell the soap and his skin felt clean. Fortunately, he’d slept right through it. Whatever medication the doctor had given him had certainly packed a punch.
He cracked one eye open and sighed with relief when his vision was clear. Opening the other, he peered down at his body. His left wrist and hand were bandaged. He remembered removing his glove to check one of the kids. Then there’d been a huge cracking sound and fire had rained down upon them. There hadn’t been time to pull it back on. He’d just grabbed the kid and ran. He’d almost made it all the way out. Almost. He’d seen the daylight just beyond, but had still been a few steps away when the world around him had come crashing down.
Still, it could have been worse.
He flexed his fingers and grunted in satisfaction when they moved with little problem. The burns weren’t serious and would heal in no time.
A soft noise to his left alerted him to the fact that he wasn’t alone. He swiveled his head around and his breath caught in his throat. Esther was asleep in a chair, her head tilted at an awkward angle. He winced in sympathy. Her neck was going to hurt when she woke.
He knew he should wake her, yet he was reluctant to do so. Instead, he devoured her with his eyes, taking in her sleeping form from head to toe. She was dressed for work in brown slacks and beige turtleneck sweater. A thick cardigan the color of oatmeal was draped over the arm of the chair and her purse sat on the floor by her feet.
Her hair was clipped back, giving him an unimpeded view of her heart-shaped face. He narrowed his eyes. She looked thinner than she had even a few days ago, and there were dark shadows beneath her eyes. She didn’t look as if she was sleeping or eating any better than he was.
As he watched, she shifted slightly in her sleep, giving a soft snuffle before settling back again. Her hands were clenched in her lap, her knuckles almost white.
He was surprised she was still here. After what he’d said to her, he figured she’d be long gone. And wasn’t she supposed to be working today? She shifted again and frowned in her sleep.
“Esther.” He said her name softly, not wanting to startle her.
Her eyes snapped open immediately and she jerked upright, groaning softly as her stiff neck and back muscles protested their mistreatment. “Are you in pain? Can I get you anything?” She jumped to her feet, poised to move.
He shook his head, surprised the throbbing there had toned down to a dull ache. “What time is it?”
She glanced at the thin gold watch on her wrist. “It’s just past seven in the evening. You’ve been out of it for hours.”
He nodded. “Whatever the doctor gave me knocked me out.”
“You needed the rest.” She glanced down at her shoes and then out the window. She was nervous, he realized.
“Hey.”
Her head jerked up and she stared at him.
“Thanks for staying.”
“I wanted to.”
He thought if she were wound any tighter, she’d snap. Her fingers were clenched into fists in her lap and she swallowed hard. Ryan paused, not quite sure what to say. He was saved from having to say anything by a light tap on the door.
“That will be Abe again.”
“The Chief?”
Esther nodded as she headed for the door, rolling her shoulders slightly as if trying to relieve some of her tension. “He’s been checking every fifteen minutes or so for the past hour.” She tugged the door open. “Come on in, the patient just woke up.”
Abe King strode into the room, his bushy white eyebrows narrowed in concern. “Hell of a way to get a few days off work, Jamieson.”
Ryan grinned. Abe was crusty, but beneath the gruff exterior was a heart of gold. All his men respected him greatly. “Hey, I figured I could use a few days.” He began to cough unexpectedly.
He felt Esther’s arm around him, helping him sit, while her free hand lightly rubbed his arm. “Just take it slow. Do you need any oxygen? I can call the nurse.”
He drank in her care like a parched man would drink in water. Was he pathetic or what? He waved away her concern. “No, I’m fine.” When her face fell, he realized he was acting like a jerk. “I’m just parched. Maybe some water.”
Her face lightened as she poured some water into a foam cup, popped a straw into it and held it close to his lips. The water was cool and sank into the dry tissue of his mouth before flowing down his throat. He drank almost the entire glass before he stopped. “That’s good. Thanks.”
She took the cup away. “You’re welcome.”
The Chief cleared his throat. “If you’re up to some visitors, most of the crew is waiting to see you.” He glanced over at Esther as if seeking permission. “The nurse said we could visit two at a time.”
“That’s fine. I’ll just go down to the cafeteria and get some tea.” She grabbed her purse and hurried from the room. He would have protested except she’d left her sweater behind. That meant she had to come back.
Abe stepped over to the side of the bed. “I didn’t know that you and Esther were…” He trailed off as if unsure of what to say.
“Were what?”
“Seeing each other.”
“We’re not.”
Abe frowned at him.
“Not really,” Ryan clarified.
“You might not really be seeing one another, but that lady tore out of work the second she heard you were hurt and hasn’t left the hospital since.”
Ryan raked his good hand through his hair, swearing under his breath when his back and shoulders protested. “I don’t know what we are.”
And that truth was bothering him. She wouldn’t have stayed if she didn’t care. But he already knew she cared. She wouldn’t have slept with him otherwise. She wasn’t the kind of woman who would take a man to her bed if she weren’t emotionally involved. It was fear of commitment to him that held her back, fear of what he did for a living.
“Ah,” Abe sagely replied. “Women are strange creatures, Jamieson.”
“You’re telling me,” he groused.
“Whatever the problem, work it out. Esther is special. As far as I know she hasn’t dated since she moved here and it’s not because no one has asked her.” He heard the underlying threat in Abe’s voice.
“I won’t hurt her. I’d never do anything to hurt her.” And that was nothing but the truth. He loved Esther more than he thought it was possible to love another person. All he wanted was her happiness.
The thought settled like lead in his gut that she might be happier without him, without the constant worry and sleepless nights that would be her fate if they were together.
“Good enough.” Abe headed for the door. “I’ll send in the guys two at a time.” As he reached the door, he turned. “You did good today, Jamieson. Those kids got out alive because of you. Take whatever time you need to get back on your feet. I’ll be talking to your doctor to find out how long you’ll need, so don’t try and sneak back too soon.”
Ryan felt humbled by the older man’s praise. “Thanks.”
Abe nodded and pulled the door open. “Jenkins and Baker, you’re in first.”
Ryan barely had time to brace himself before two of his buddies strode in the room, large smiles on their faces and take-out bags in their hands. “The doc said you could eat if you were up to it. Baker wanted to bring some of his homemade chili, but I talked him out of it.” Jenkins tugged a table on casters closer to the bed and plunked the bag he was holding down on top of it.
Ryan chuckled.
As Jenkins opened the bag, the aroma of fried chicken hit Ryan and his stomach groaned. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Jenkins hauled out a plate and piled three pieces of chicken, French fries and coleslaw on it before placing it in front of Ryan.