Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility) (33 page)

"Well, you'll be fucking and sucking a sterile man...not in terms of reproduction of course
," she quipped.

"Well, I'll be damned!" I gave a loaded exhale being just as silly as I went to grab my cell
to text Azmir.

I received your sexual history reports minutes ago
.

Seconds later, as Michelle was packing up to leave, my phone ping
ed and read
,
You're clean. I'm clean. Now we can get dirty - officially.

I felt
a salacious pulling in my belly. This man had me going.

All in due time, Mr. Jacobs...all in due time.

Indeed
.
He texted back his signature closing.

Rayna

The big day was the first Saturday in June and that date was just around the corner. Petey got back in touch with me about the party and put me in contact with the party planner they had hired. I had Jimmie speak with her about the arrangements. She explained that she wanted my performance to include the rapper. From what I understood, the dance wouldn’t involve him at all but he would have a hand in the performance. I sighed with relief.
I am no professional.

I rehearsed at Cobalt the week of the party. I wanted to make sure my game was tight. I also made plans for my time with Azmir that night after the party. I conspired with Petey and was sure it was difficult for him to blindside his dear friend. There were formal invitations going out and I was sure that Azmir could easily make subsequent plans with other friends or acquaintances. Our plans worked hand in hand in throwing Azmir off and pulling off that element of surprise. Azmir was to think that a celebrity friend was renting out the club for that night. As the time passed
, I grew more excited about the big night and not just because of the party. It was the after-party I was preparing for.

~~~~~~~~~~

Azmir

It was three p.m, on a rainy morning. I was in my office at the rec center going through blueprint models for new homes that were going up in the Watts. After I was done, I decided to move on to the next item on my
To Do
list.

“Alex, where are the quarterly profit reports that I asked you for this morning?” I asked my interim assistant over the conference system.

“Mr. Jacobs, I requested that the managers have them all faxed over by ten a.m. however, the fax has been down since this morning,” Alex answered.

“What does the fax being down have to do with why those reports weren’t on my desk hours ago?”

“The truth is, Mr. Jacobs, Peggy told me the repair company would be in to look at the machine between eleven a.m. and four p.m. Last I checked, they hadn’t arrived,” he offered.

“Alex, the fact of the machine being down isn’t satisfactory enough of an excuse for not having those reports. You could have had them faxed to the rec’s main office downstairs…
Hell
–you could have had them faxed to the Kinko’s on 7
th
Street! You could have had them sent electronically in PDF format. Get me those reports now!” I demanded before slamming the button off.

Peg
gy knocked on my office door to inform me that I had a visitor. It was Petey. He rarely comes to the rec. I nodded for Peggy to close the door behind her. He walked in with a smile on his face, “Dog, I heard you all the way out in the hall. …fuck wrong wit’ you?” he asked as he reached out to give me dap.

“Man, I’m having a fucked up day. You don’t even wanna know
,” I said feeling a little relief from his unexpected visit.

“What’s going on? Anything I need to handle?” he
offered lightly but was serious as hell.

“Nah, man. It’s all on me
,” I said as I rubbed my eyes.

“You do be looking stressed lately. I heard how you got at Wop and
John-John last night, too, man. Is it one of the businesses…or Rayna?” he asked really wanting to know what ailed me.

“Look man, Im'ma tell you something real
ly personal that stays between me and you,” I warned him.

“My word is my bond and my bond is my life
,” he pledged.

“Tara told me a couple of months ago that she’s pregnant.” I didn’t get an immediate reaction out of him although I knew I’d had his undivided attention.

“She said it’s yours?” he asked knowing what time it was. Petey knew about her and the kid, Dwayne.

Dwayne
was an around the way cat that hung out with a mutual friend. He was an aspiring rapper with a promising career. I let them rent out the club in Compton for a video and even borrow a couple of my cars for it. Tara all of a sudden wanted to hang out at
The Joint
. This was funny because Tara despised that type of environment including the patrons. She was elated when I opened up Cobalt. She said it was a better use of my resources and was for the civilized. Tara went bragging about it to all of her friends.

Oddly enough, when I began to
be invited to music award shows, after-parties, and video shoots she was intrigued. She fell in love with the glamour of it all. Dwayne, also known as D-Struct, was a prodigy of a top west coast music wiz who is also a good friend of mine. I tried to help him out and apparently so did Tara. She and her girl, Essence were hanging out with D-Struct when I wasn’t around. She would tell me Essence wanted Dwayne. The word got back to me that Tara and Dwayne were fucking in the backseat of cars and in the bathrooms up in the studio. Naturally, Petey wanted to get at him. I told him that we’d hold off because little did he know I’d been having mixed feelings about Tara for months at that point and this was my exit strategy.  I needed something solid to buffer the blow from her father. I didn’t tell Big D because no matter how cool we are, Tara is still his baby girl and no man wants to hear their daughter is giving head in a studio booth. Tara cut her nose to spite her face. I just sat back letting her dig a hole for herself.

“So she said…” I mumbled as I a sighed.

“What you really think, duke?”

“That shit ain’t mine. I ain’t touch her since like November, man. If it was I’d do what I need to do for mine.” I gave a deep exhale. “I just gotta play my hand right because this can get ugly with Big D.”

“Yeah, man. That’s what I was just thinking about. You know how ‘dat nigga is!”

“I mean…it is what it is but that’s still his princess.”

“So what you gonna do?”

“She
’s got a few months to go. I told her she has to get a fuckin’ DNA test.”

“And what she say ‘bout ‘dat?”

“She acted all offended and shit but I don’t give a fuck. And now with Patricia dying she’s feeling all needy…knowing damn well we’re no longer together,” I referred to the night I had to leave Rayna at Mahogany.

Patricia, Big D’s wife and Tara’s mother, was driving trying to merge onto the 10 when this truck came and ran right into her. According to the police investigation
, she was applying makeup while driving so she didn’t even see it coming. Patricia was on her way to a fundraising event that she was hosting. That night Big D and Tara tried getting a hold of me but I purposely turned my phone off. Petey always knew where to find me, so he knew where I’d be that night. I met them at the hospital where they gave me the news. Tara didn’t take it well at all. She had to be sedated because she was out of control, filled with distraught. I stayed by her side that night at the hospital. As much as my feelings had changed for Tara, one thing that had remained the same was she was like family. Her parents had been good to me over the years. I stayed by her side for several days after. Once Patricia was buried, I started to detach. I thought about where being with her too much could lead us…
and Rayna
. I hadn’t seen her in about a week.

I knew back in Puerto Vallarta that I couldn’t
begin a sexual relationship with Rayna though I wanted her ass so bad. The timelines were too blurred. Although my sexual affairs had expired with Tara, her pregnancy was a looming disaster, something that delicate would need explaining to Rayna if she were to learn of it. I had no intention of telling her, I was that confident of the paternity. But what I was aiming for was for Rayna to want me so bad that when we did fuck and Tara’s pregnancy or any of my hairy shit hit the fan, I would be absolved of accusation of seducing her. I wouldn’t have to disbosom shit, I rarely made such sloppy mistakes. My dick wasn’t happy with my plan because every time I saw her I felt radiating sensations in my groin. Her touch was soft, her lips delectable, her fragrance electrifying and her kiss took my breath away. I knew she would be trouble for me. I was feeling shit with Rayna that no former block hugger had any business feeling; we aren’t capable.

I deliberately stayed away for days at a time because it was only a matter of opportunity when I’d have her right where I wanted; underneath me with her legs
around my waist screaming my name or on her knees worshiping my strongman down her throat. I knew she’d like it and I would teach her just how to please me. But she had to pursue me first. I almost gave in that night at my apartment. Michelle’s emergency was a gift for me but a curse to her loved ones. I wanted to play this right. But goddamn I wanted to taste Rayna’s ass so bad my dick hurt.

“I got too much riding on this shit, man
,” I said staring at the keyboard of my desktop snapping out of my reverie.

“What? That Rayna…?” he asked although he knew what the answer would be.

I snorted, “You wanna hear some funny shit, man? Ever since I heard about Tara being pregnant, Rayna been sending me texts talking about honesty and trust…how she ain’t wit’ nobody because niggas lie and all that shit, man!” Petey and I laughed together.

“You know how ‘dem chicks be, man. My old lady tried to hit me wit’ ‘dat shit when I met her and look where I’m at now, my nigga!” he joked. “All jokes aside
—she quality, Divine,” he counseled. Petey’s always had a good read on people; I valued his opinion.

“I don’t know, Crack. I gotta taste it first. Let a nigga see if
that’s
quality and then I’ll drench her ass in diamonds!” I joked. We gave each other dap on that and laughed for a minute. He knew I was full of shit but didn’t call me on it. Truth be told, Rayna had me going and the fact that I hadn’t fucked her up to that point was evident of it.

“So what are you over here on this side of town for? I’d suddenly realized that he never said.

“I wanna know what’s up for your born day?”

“Man, I’ve been so stressed out I haven’t been thinking about that shit
,” I said stretching in my chair.

“We’ll
, it’s what…’bout a week away?”

“I guess, man
,” I said yawning.

“Let me and some of the niggas from
‘The Clan’ take care of you…‘dat’s a’ight wit’ you?”

“Do you, my nigga
,” I agreed as my iPhone was going off. I picked it up to check it and saw it was a text from Rayna. Petey’s phone rang and he answered it.

Rayna text
:
GOT PLANS FOR YOUR B-DAY?

Not really. Why?
I texted back.

I want
to get up with you to celebrate your big day.

Sounds tempting. I may
be with the goons that night…

We can get up after
…
, she offered.

I’m with it. But
it may be late
.
I warned, realizing I was blowing her off. I was really trying to buy us some time.

I’ll wait up.
:-
)
 
Damn.
She’s tantalizingly persistent. I didn’t know how long I could hold out. This was painful. I would take a day with Rayna over my goons any day.

“
Indeed
…
” I hit send. By that time, Petey was off the phone.

“That chick got you wide open, my nigga. You all smiling and typing and shit
,” Petey said clowning me.

“Nah, she was asking about my birthday plans, too.”

“Oh, I don’t wanna interfere, man,” he said I assumed offering to cancel his plans.

“I told her I’ll get up with her later.”

We agreed on hanging out that night and Petey headed out.

A week later
, I was at Cobalt on a Friday night working when Big D BBM’d me. He asked if we could meet. I told him where I was and he came through. We met up in my office at Cobalt.

“Can I get you a drink, Big D?” I offered.

“Yeah, man! A dry Martini,” he said. I had the runner go get the drink while he settled in. He walked around the office and took the infamous view of the dance floor.

“You know, this is my first time here. I was told that I’ve been past here several times but couldn’t mentally locate it.” Big D peered out of the window that gave view to the main dance room observing the décor of the place. “I remember this area very well. On the force we called this Snow
Haven because of the cocaine that was distributed to the rich white folk.”

“Oh yeah?” I said in response. I was curious of the nature of this visit. We strategically minimize our visits. I knew there must’ve been a problem. I hated small talk and I really didn’t have time for it that particular day.

“Well, Cool Breeze…” he began as he pulled up a seat. “I might as well get right into why I’m here...”

“Okay
,” I said as I pulled out the chair across the table from where he planted himself. I sat facing him.

“Divine, this has been a difficult time for my family. And Tara is still mourning her mother’s death. She swears out she’s lonely and now that she’s pregnant I can’t figure out for the life of me why you aren’t in her corner. I mean, if you guys are broken up I can understand…but like it or not she’s the mother of your child
,” he ended getting a little emotional.