Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (7 page)

That would just be me then.

I was onto my third drink when Saul appeared.

“I’m sorry. Truly.”

I raised my glass to him in celebration of his apology. Maybe I was getting a little tipsy too.

“Pea, listen to me, I didn’t mean to get angry or shout. You know that’s not me,” Saul pleaded.

“I never told him, Saul. That’s one of the things I regret.”

“Don’t! Feel bad, that is.”

“I figured it would be easier to keep it from him. No sense in upsetting him too. Not when I’m so broken that I can’t even keep his babies safe.”

Saul caught me as I crumpled and lifted me into his arms.

“It’s okay,” I heard him say to someone.

“She’s just had a bit too much, I’m going to take her to our room.”

“Pfft, our room? Ha, ha, Saul, you want me? You know I’m broken.”

“Shhh Pea. Just keep quiet until I get us to my room.”

“Why? What you gonna do wiff me?” I was starting to slur and I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Pea, you’re breaking my heart,” Saul sounded hurt. I could also hear a lock clicking. Wow! We’ve already been in the elevator and I didn’t even notice?

“I’m going to put you on the bed while I turn on the shower. I think you could do with freshening up.”

“Are you going to get in wiff me?”

Saul turned and looked at me. “Pea, tomorrow you are going to be really embarrassed about how you’re acting. I’m going to sort out your shower then you’re going to clean up, and hopefully sleep through the night. Even though it’s only just after 3:00 p.m. now. Then tomorrow, we’ll talk and get some things cleared up.”

The next thing I remembered it was daylight and I was lying in Saul’s bed while he snored in the chair by the window.

As I sat up he stirred, and opened his eyes and looked around until they landed on me,

“How are you doing this morning, Pea?” he asked with a sleepy voice.

“I don’t remember anything past you turning on the shower, but for what I do remember prior to that, I’m truly very sorry,” I answered.

“Don’t Pea, just don’t. Shit!” he scrubbed his hand down his face.

“You should’ve talked to us… to him. He would’ve been there for you. You can’t honestly believe that he cheated on you, surely?” he looks exasperated.

“Saul, when I first saw him in that bed, with that skank, I believed unequivocally that he had cheated on me. When he kept calling me for days after, I still believed he had cheated. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to call him, both you and Soph had been saying he hadn’t done anything, and after finding out I was pregnant none of the stupidness seemed important or appropriate anymore. I sat down and thought about it all and knew, KNEW, that he wouldn’t do that to me. I decided to call him, but after everything that had happened I was scared. It had, by this point, been a little over eight weeks since I found out I was pregnant and about eleven weeks since I found him in bed with THAT woman. I’d just had my scan which showed that not only was I around fourteen weeks pregnant, but I was also carrying twins. I realised I needed to tell him. He had a right to know, and that I needed to hear what had happened. However painful that was going to be, so I could sort out my head and try to move forward. Maybe even together.” I took a steadying breath, trying to process everything I’d just told him. More than I’d shared with anyone. Releasing all this to someone else was helping somewhat.

“So why the fuck haven’t you spoken to him?” I could hear the disappointment and anger inflection in his voice.

“Because two days later, I lost them.” I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

“Oh babe,” Saul replied and crushed me to him in a hug, squeezing me for all he was worth. “Just to say, just to clear it up, that woman that was in Con’s bed. Total misunderstanding.” I started sobbing at this point, letting it all flow freely, but I couldn’t say anything.

“She was a lesbian.” I jerked in Saul’s arms. “She was partying as were we all. Con went to bed around 2:00 a.m. I remember because we were chatting in the kitchen about Soph’s hook up, and he said he was hitting the sack. I was going to give him shit about it, but then I looked to the time and was shocked at how late it was.”

He took a breath and looked down at me. “Kate… that was the woman’s name. She was still up partying until around 4:00 a.m., I know that because she was arguing with her girlfriend, Jodie, who stormed out, and I was worried about the police turning up with all the commotion.” He wiped a tear away from my cheek. “Anyway, Kate disappeared. I didn’t know who it was in his bed that morning when you were there, I couldn’t see, not until you’d already left and I was about to kick Con’s arse.” At this, I looked up at him and gave him a small smile. We both knew he’d never be able to kick Con’s arse. Con’s been kickboxing since I could remember, and although Saul does train with him, he’d never been at the same level.

Saul looked at me with a playful scowl. “Hey, it could happen! Especially when I’m as angry as I was that morning.”

I smiled wide and felt blessed that I had people who loved me so fiercely.

“Anyway Con was pissed himself. At first thinking someone was trying to split you two up again, but Kate hadn’t even realised he was in the bed. It was pitch black when she went in there, and to be fair I think she was drunk anyway, so I doubt she would’ve even realised. Her girlfriend, Jodie, turned up about forty-five minutes later and they rode off into the sunset, literally, Jodie has a Harley,” he snickered at me and I rolled my eyes.

I knew that Con didn’t hurt me. He didn’t let me down, but I let him down, firstly by leaving even though I hadn’t given him the chance to explain, which if the roles were reversed would’ve shattered me and then more importantly, by not keeping his babies safe. I closed my eyes and felt, empty, nothing. I was void of all feeling.

Saul wrapped his love around me and held me tight. I had to believe things would get better. I had to believe I could rebuild my life.

Blinking away the past, I glance over at Soph, wondering if I should’ve told her everything all those years ago. Then I remember how my problems ultimately lead to Saul being where he is today, and decide I did the right thing not telling her. I still feel guilt though, for both her and Con… for not being honest, and I know, at least for the past few months, my closed off attitude on things has put a wedge in our friendships. I just hope we can sort through it.

For tonight though, I’m going to make a point of eating, drinking and laughing with Soph. She seems to feel the same and so that’s what we’ll do all night.

When she’s getting ready to leave she hugs me again and looks at me in the eyes. “You know you can always talk to me, right?” she asks.

“Of course, Soph.”

“Okay, as long as you do. I know I’m flighty. I know everyone thinks I can’t keep secrets, but Pea, when they’re important I can keep them. From everyone. I’m always here. I’m not him, but I am here.”

I grab her and give her a hug. “I love you, Sophie Rawlings.”

I can see the water welling her eyes at my unexpected show of emotions. “Swear on red lightnings?” she asks with a glint in her eye.

Red lightnings were my old roller skates. I loved them. I didn’t let anyone use them. They were red with a silver lightning stripe. It was what we said when we were younger. Her swear was her Barbie Dream House.

“Swear on red lightnings,” I whisper.

Once she left, I popped some logs in the fireplace, moved to the sofa and got my Kindle and Mr. Alpha out to read.

After a nice peaceful evening with Mr. Alpha, I close my Kindle and head to bed. Lying down on my freshly made crispy sheets, I hear a
ping.
Reaching across to the bedside table I pick up my phone and swipe to read the message.

Con:
Happy 14th October. I don’t regret a second.

I stare at my phone, trying to decide whether to reply and what to say. Then my phone
pings
again, alerting me to another message.

Con:
Please don’t text back.

I read and re-read the text about five times and then burst into tears and cry myself to sleep.

I look out of the huge window, staring at all the people walking the streets, going about their business. It’s not their life that’s altering, right at this very moment, everything they know changing forever.

I’m not sure anymore whose fault it is.

The apartment that’s been rented for me by the newspaper is massive, luxurious and obviously expensive. I should be enjoying my time here. Should be out every night, meeting new people, having parties and generally being a single guy.
Instead, what am I doing?
Being a pussy. That’s what.

I sat on the sofa all day yesterday, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. I practically stayed like that all day. A bottle of Jack in my hand. Hell, the only time I did move was to take a swig.

I knew yesterday was the anniversary of
us.

Pea and me.

Yeah.
What a joke!

We were supposed to be indestructible. Friends first. Trusting and loving. I was the one she was supposed to come to, to talk to, to be honest with. Instead, I’m the one she keeps everything from. Never really opening herself up to me like she did before we had that incident with the lesbian in my bed.

I always thought we could get through anything. I was kidding myself. She’s so wrapped up in everything, that she can’t see past what’s in her head. The Saul accident has just made her worse. She had already pulled away from me and Soph, but at least she still spoke to Saul, even if it did seem tense at times.
Now, without him?
Well, now, she’s like a shell. What with her grams passing a few months ago. I guess I always thought I could get her back. Get through to her somehow. Make her see herself… me… everything, as I see it.

I know now I was kidding myself and it’s time to wake up. I feel like she’s crying out for me to save her, but she won’t let me. If I don’t pull back soon, there’ll be nothing left inside me anymore. Then I’ll need saving, and there’s nobody to do that.

That’s why I decided to send that text last night. I wanted her to know I was thinking about her, but I also needed closure. I need all my lingering thoughts of her to go. I need to be free. So I sent the text. Then drank the rest of the bottle of Jack and passed out.

Now I’m standing watching the world go by wondering if I did the right thing. Everything is her. She haunts me. I needed this space to heal, and now I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel whole again. The idea of not having her in my life anymore makes me want to punch the wall, repeatedly. I shake my head, as though by doing that I’ll be able to clear the thoughts.

The intercom buzzes, letting me know the car is here to take me to meet the guys at the local bar. Time for some food and some drink. Anything to forget. I stare down at myself, making sure I look presentable. I barely remember what I’ve done today, so I’m pleased to see I have fresh clothes on which includes black jeans, black biker boots and a dark grey Henley. That must mean I had a shower, although I can’t remember much past the last forty-five minutes, which I spent staring out the window. I grab my keys, wallet and phone, slam the door shut and jog down the stairwell.

The one thing I love most about this building in the gym in the basement. I’m sure I’ve spent nearly every spare moment in there since I arrived. I’ve been meaning to find a local kickboxing class to join. Just to keep myself fresh. Until then, I keep myself fit in the gym and when I haven’t had time to get to the gym I jog down the stairs. However, seeing as I don’t want to arrive at the bar a sweaty mess I stop ten floors down and take the lift.

When stepping out of the stairwell, panting slightly, I smile at a petite brunette who’s waiting for the lift too. She must only be about five-foot-three, her brown hair is slightly wavy and she’s wearing skin tight blue jeans with some kind of floaty green top that seems to flap about everywhere, but clings to her breasts, showing off how large they are. I realise I’m looking at her tits, so I quickly avert my eyes making sure to look at her face. She’s smiling at me. Strange. She must’ve known I was looking at her inappropriately, still, she doesn’t seem to mind.

“Hey, you all right?” I ask and watch her eyes widen and then light with fire. I know that look, I’ve gotten it a lot since I moved over here. American women seem to love the British accent.

“Hi there, love the accent,” she purrs.

“Thanks,” I smirk, knowing what she wants. Yeah, so that might make me a jerk, but being the good guy didn’t get me where I want to be. Although, I was only ever the ‘good guy’ with Pea.

“Okay, so I’m just going to throw this out there. Why did you come out of the stairwell?” she questions just as the elevator chimes and we get on. She presses the ground floor button and the doors close.

I chuckle and answer, “Trying to keep fit. I don’t think I’ll get time to swing by the gym today and so thought I’d run down the stairs. However, I could only manage ten flights unless I want to be a sweaty mess.” I wink and notice again her eyes assessing me.

“So, you’re on the top floor, huh? I mean assuming you do live here and you aren’t just visiting?”

“Yeah, I live up there,” I say and watch as something works behind her eyes.

“Hmm, I’m surprised. I haven’t seen you at the gym. We must miss each other.”

I look her over, she doesn’t look like a gym bunny. Don’t get me wrong I’m not bothered about a woman’s figure. I mean I don’t tend to like the gym bunnies as they often have a straight up and down body or are very slim, and that’s just not my thing. I prefer the hourglass figure, you know, the Marilyn Monroe, Diana Dors type. I think most men do. Although that doesn’t mean I don’t try other types on for size, I don’t discriminate.

“Yeah, I’ll have to look out for you,” I reply and this obviously pleases her because a smile spreads across her face and her cheeks pink, which makes her much more attractive than the brazen, obvious woman I’d previously encountered. I like to chase, I don’t like to be the target.

We reach the ground floor and the doors open. As we exit she turns to me, with a seductive grin and says, “I’m Libby.”

I hold out my hand and when she grasps it I say, “Con, nice to meet you, Libby.” I pull my hand away and make my way out to the waiting car and feel like I’m being sized up as prey the whole way. As I slide into the back of the car, I immediately feel like I have somehow betrayed Pea. I always feel like that, with every relationship since her. I lay my head back and close my eyes.

I tried with other women, it’s never worked. Her shadow was always there. The ghost of her. It probably doesn’t help that she was physically in my life nearly all the time too. That was one of the reasons I tried something with Stacey. It was never going to go anywhere. I think I did it more for a reaction, to see what Pea would do. The way she reacted when I said I was going away had cut me. She acted like I shouldn’t leave Stacey. Like I was serious with her and the fact that she was just going to accept it well, that was the final straw for me. I needed to wake up. She’d placed me firmly in her past. I was never going to be part of her future and if I didn’t move on without her she was definitely going to destroy me.

The car pulls to a stop and I get out and head into the bar. I see Sam, Lewis and Tyler all sitting at a table and I make my way over.

“Hey fucker!” Lewis smirks.

Sam chin lifts me and I take a seat next to Tyler, who slaps me on the back and says, “Glad to see you out tonight, Con man. I thought we were going to have to kidnap you to get you here.”

I look at the group of lads. Guys that I’ve come to call friends and smile. I need to force myself to let go.

“What’s the plan for tonight then?” I ask.

Lewis is still smirking when he says, “Get shit-faced and end the night with my cock in a nice, hot wet pussy.”

Sam shakes his head and Tyler rolls his eyes. I laugh and for once it’s not forced. I listen to the music playing and recognise it as, ‘This Is Where It Ends’ by Midnight Hour.

I look at my friends for a beat while listening to the words of the song and then answer, “Sounds like plan.”

I always told myself that everything happens for a reason. Well, at least until I was twenty. Then I grew up.

After crying myself to sleep last night I woke today with an awful headache. In that moment, whilst sitting staring into my fireplace, my mug of tea in my hand slowly getting cold, I decide enough was enough. I need to pull up my big girl pants and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Easier said than done!

However here I am. I’m still standing, or sitting.

I have to make my visit to the hospital today. I love Wednesdays and today has to be a good day. I need a good day. I need something to take my mind away. I need my soul soothed.

There is something else I need to do too. I realised last night while crying, I need to share everything with Soph. I need to let her in. Share my pain and hopefully help her to understand my utter fuckedupness.

She is all I have left.

I can’t push her away too.

Before that though, I have to get through today.

First, I need to make myself feel presentable. I always did when I went to the hospital, just in case I ran into anyone. I purposely chose Wednesday because it was a safe day. Nobody ever turned up on Wednesday, too many meetings and charity women’s lunches. Ugh. Too busy keeping their face’s masked over so nobody could see the cracks.

However, if I ever was seen, I knew I’d probably be kicked out immediately. Then banned, and I couldn’t risk that. At least, if I was gonna be caught out, I could make myself look half-decent so hopefully they would just politely ask me to leave and not ban me forever.

After showering, I look through my clothes and decide to wear an emerald green button through dress with a black cardigan and black flats. I add a green scarf to finish it off. Twisting my hair up, I apply minimal makeup. I grab my belongings as I walk through the house, and take a brisk walk to the bus stop.

As I make my way to the hospital I let my thoughts wander. They usually go to Saul. Lately, however, since he left, it’s always been Con I think about. I
wonder what he’s doing right now? I wonder if he will ever talk to me again?
I
want to call him, but I know Con, if he wanted me, he would’ve called or texted me by now. He’s shutting me out. Pushing me away. I have nobody to blame, but myself. I’ve pushed him to this. I ruin everything good in my life. I’m cursed and he’s better off without me.