Authors: Carla J Hanna
“But then I suffer, too. I understand that we all do bad things and make mistakes. There are very, very few things that are black and white. There is lots of gray.”
Manuel
did not agree. I could see it in his face. He definitely thought I was mental, the willing victim.
“You think I have some
Native American
victim
-
mentality, don’t you?” I asked rhetorically with a scoff.
He threw up his hands but didn’t confirm my question.
“
My Bitterroot Salish ancestors were lied to, misplaced, and deceived but my tribe overcomes adversity. I
do, too—
with the strength from their spirits.
Of course I’m angry but
I don’t see myself as a victim because I don’t see the villains in my case.
I said that I
understand
Michelle, not that I like her.
I think there are definite monsters, true villains out there
—
sociopaths who truly feel pleasure and power from making others suffer and feel pain. Michelle
is
not
a sociopath
.
I put Matthew
and Dr. Mark
in that category of villain, though.
”
“She drugged you.”
“To me, it’
s a que
stion of intent, not of action.
Did
Byron intend to irritate the hell out of me? No. He
thought I was complicit. He loved me. Did Michelle intend to hurt me? Did she know
I could get cancer
from the medicine? No. She
kept
me beautiful and g
ave
me a successful, envied career.
She lied and deceived me and I think she’s a bitch but she didn’t think it through.
Did Hollywood intend to complicate teenagers’ relationships with expectations that we all should be having X-rated sex? No.
Hollywood puts sex in movies, people watch them, and then everyone thinks people require lots of sex in movies. There’s too much money at stake to try something without sex or violence
. Do consumers
intend to demand Hollywood make films full of sex and violence? No. They just want to be entertained. Are there unintended consequences?
Absolutely!”
I could still see that he
struggled
with my perceptions. He was not thinking of the context. He
watched
that rape scene in his head, imagining
that I was really getting raped
.
“I need to explain to you how I see the events that haunt you. Would that help you understand?”
He put his hands in the air and waved them with an exasperated expression, as if he were thin
king, “Duh! Bring it on Ms. V
ictim
-M
entality.”
“Let’s start with the rape scene. It was the day after my fourteenth birthday. I was on set with about twenty to thirty people around me, what we call a closed set. I was prepared for what was going to happen in the scene. Michelle helped me with the non-verbal script. I was ready and willing.
M
y body was on fire with desire for Rex
—
thrilled with the feeling of my first kiss.
“I knew I was not being raped the whole time. I was in a safe environment. Instead, I was shocked that the feelings I had for Rex were so physical. At the same time, I was completely disgusted with myself that I felt that way. I was mad at them for not telling me that I might feel something physical during the scene and mad at Michelle for not telling me that my body would be
aroused
. I was painfully, intensely embarrassed.
“What
you
saw in that scene were my conflicting emotions because you know me and knew that I wanted him off me. I absolutely did not want him to kiss or touch me. Was it Rex’s or the crew’s intention to violate my trust? No. They had no idea
—
I had no idea
—
that I would feel that way.
”
He smiled. “Now, back to your delusional mental state:
Angel,
Byron
is an ass
.”
“
H
e
’s a nice guy at heart who’s confused, caught up in the culture of drugs and sex
.” I was quiet for a moment thinking of the right way to explain this one.
I was sure Matthew
intended to rape me and was sure that Byron just wanted to have sex.
I’d start at the limo and go backwards to help him see it the way I did. I knew
Byron
. He didn’t.
“We’ll start at the limo and go backwards in time. Here’s what I saw
.
Byron
saw Claire in the parking lot and within a minute was probably making out with her. She was willing. She wanted
him
. Remember he said he saw the driver and thought the limo would be a good place to shack. Well he didn’t see that paying a driver $100 for 15 minutes was like paying for sex
—
$100 to the pimp and a quick score on a prostitute. Remember, Claire was the one who gave the driver $100 for 15 minutes. Was she, then, paying
Byron
’s pimp for a score with the heartthrob she desired? No. Neither of them saw it that way. Together they agreed to pay for privacy. Claire wanted sex with a heartthrob. She desired him.
Byron
wanted sex. It worked for them.
“With me, it was different. But at the time
Byron
didn’t
see that. I was so pissed with him for
delaying the shoot and
having no concept that being so dense was costing thousands of dollars
for each re
take. I agreed to practice lines with him in his condo. To him, I was willing just because I was alone in his condo, because how could I not be? He thought everyone
wanted
him because everyone but me has
wanted
him. I was the exception.
You
know
, I kept kissing him even though I kept telling him to back off.
And then after I had two beers, I lost my restraint. I made out with him. I freaked out. I didn’t communicate.
It
confused both of us
.”
“Angel, he kissed you on purpose you after you started dating me to make a future claim.”
“Is
Byron
evil? No; he’s a prick
who’s used to getting what he wants
. What was the consequence?
I feel like a complete weakling and unfortunately gave him hope that he can have me. But, I’m responsible for my inaction.
”
He held my hand. “You shouldn’t forgive him.
Besides, a
twenty-one
-
year
-
old man has
no business being
with a high school senior.
All I saw in the limo was some shameless prick
pleased
with himself for having a posse of pussy.”
“You and
your alliterations,” I laughed.
I moved in closer to him. “You don’t agree with me but I’m glad you understand how I
feel
about all this because we’re a team,
you
know. Together we are a guardian angel. You protect and I forgive. We both love. Together we figure out what is right and wrong for ourselves. We can help each other thrive rather than just endure.”
It was Tuesday.
I loved my lunch
that day
. I spaced bringing my lunch from home so I bought pizza, chocolate milk, and an apple. It was heaven.
Afte
r lunch, I headed to my
chemistry final.
Kate was sitting at the table we shared when I got
to the classroom
. We
had
just said “
h
i” to each other
since I had returned because I was
dating her ex. I always fe
lt
embarrassed, like I
had
stole
n
him from her.
“Hi Marie, can I talk with you after the exam?”
“Sure, Kate,
I’ll probably take a lot longer than you to finish. Where do you want to meet?”
“I’ll wait in the cafeteria. Do you want me to get you a Diet Coke?”
“Ok
ay
,” I agreed as the teacher passed out the
final
.
It
took
me the whole hour to finish the exam. I found Kate in the cafeteria and hesitantly sat next to her
,
not knowing how to be around her since she hurt my feelings so deeply when she abandoned our friendship.
I said, “Thanks for the Coke,” awkwardly and drank several gulps to give me something to do.
Kate started, “School’
s done. We’re graduating. You were my best friend and I’ve missed you. I’ve missed
Manny
.”
“I’ve missed you, too, so much.
I’m sorry I’m dating Man
ny
. It just kind of happened. He was really torn up about your break-up
and I was sad you dumped me
so we emailed a lot. Stuff
happened with my co-star, too. We were there for each other…”
Kate interrupted, “I don’t want to talk about you both. It hurts.”
She stared at the wall. “In case I don’t see you again, I have to tell you how I screwed up my life. I know you’ll tell
Manny
, and he deserves to know, but please promise you won’t tell anyone
else
. Alan has already humiliated me, and he doesn’t even know the half of it. Can you promise?”
“Yeah, sure, absolutely, Kate,
I promise. You were my best
friend, too.” I responded with
overwhelming guilt for dating my ex-best girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.
Kate looked down at her hands on the table. They were tightly fisted around each other. Her knuckles were white. Her expression was of embarrassment, her cheeks flushed. I could tell this was hard for her and was going to be serious.
“What is it, Kate?” I asked.
“I loved
Manny
. But I knew he loved you more. It made me crazy. It made me do a really stupid thing.”
She looked at me and her eyes were
wet. Tears fell down her cheeks
. I put my hand on her shoulder
to show her comfort
and then removed it
to not step over a line
.
I scrambled to find the words to make her feel better and tell her I didn’t intend to hurt her. “I’m sorry. We only acknowledged our feelings after you guys broke up. He was really torn up.
He
wanted to marry you.”
“I know,” she said. “I really
fucked
things up. Then I was in so deep that I knew I didn’t deserve him.” She looked out of the cafeteria window
,
rememb
ering the pain of the break-up and
what
she did
.
“When you came out for the Homecoming football game I watched you two in the stands
while I was cheering. I saw how you both looked at each other, how happy you were together, and I knew that he loved you and that you loved him. His feelings were clearly more than platonic.
Shit,
I saw him close his eyes and smell your hair when you hugged him. I couldn’t ignore it. I wanted to hate you.” She looked at me in the eye and I shuddered.
“I should have seen it when you were dating Evan. He said something once
but
I didn’t understand
what he meant until I saw it for myself. He said
that
it was time for him to bow out because he witnessed true love. Y
a
know, you hurt him. Evan loved you and was so nice to you, so respectful
—
more than
Manny
was to me, ever
—
and you just blew him off.”
“No, Kate. I…”
“Bullshit, Marie. Everyone is fucking in love with you and you pretend you don’t know it! You say, “Oh, poor me,
it’s so hard to be a product
.
”
Puke. You want power and control
, just like me.
You want to own Manny, too—keep him yours forever and get that feeling of calm you get only from him.
Stop trying to fool yourself and see you for the bitch you are.”