Authors: Carla J Hanna
I wasn
’t crying. I was
calm
. “
Michelle
,
I saw your guilt
in
Martin
’s office. I know you love me. I know you screwed up
big time
. But I’d be lying if I said everything is okay between us.
You turned out to be a Hollywood Monster Mother
.”
I debated whether I should tell her or not. Then I knew I should. N
o
more secrets! “Now I have some bad news for you. We
have hypopituitarism
. T
hree
people have already died: an
actress and
two
kid
s
who had leukemia, w
ere
cured, and then died from a secondary malignancy caused by
the chemo
. Rex has cancer.
Michelle
, the anti-aging drug has consequences.”
She gasped. “Rex took it about a year before me, two years before you.”
“
Dad
knows everything. He should be here soon. I’ll ask him to call you, if he’ll speak to you. I don’t want you to come home early. Dad and Manuel will be here with me, and they might just hate you. I don’t want to deal with any more tension right now. You understand?”
“Of course,
d
ear, of course. I love you,” she whimpered between sobs. “
Can I come for your graduation?
”
I didn’t need to be cruel. “Yes.”
“Thanks Liana Marie. I’m so sorry.”
She was crying so hard that she couldn’t keep speaking and hung up the phone.
Manuel was standing in the doorway to my room. He was moved by the moment. “
You stun me
,
mi cariño
,
” he said and walked to the bathroom to
shower and
get ready
for church
.
I relaxed into the chair, waiting for Manuel. My thoughts were disjointed
as if
I was dizzy with so many emotions that a full thought could not become clear. I didn’t even realize Manuel was next to me until he put his hand on my shoulder. He moved it down to my elbow as he lowered his head to kiss me softly on the lips. He smiled at me, touched the back of his hand to my cheek and looked at me with a sincere tenderness in his eyes.
He put the pages he printed on my lap,
stood upright
,
and
left
the room.
I was startled. Not just because he interrupted my disorganized thoughts, but because the touch from his hand on my arm left a tingle that felt so deep, so warm, that I felt like the heat from his hand penetrated my bones. Then an electric current rushed through my body when his lips slowly and gently moved with mine. I was on fire with an acute sense of desire. I felt an
instant throbbing for him.
It
was the same physical reaction I had to Rex when I was fourteen, but now it was even stronger with a warmness that brought me joy. I felt so much love for him that my heart seemed to expand in my rib cage, restricting my breath. Before I could respond to my feelings, Manuel had already left the room and walked to the kitchen to get breakfast.
“Wow,” I thought to myself
, y
et another irony. After four years of having a diamond
pituitary gland
, I was finally ready to make love. But now he was not ready, not even close. My timing was completely
annoying
.
I parked
in the church parking lot
and we both got out of the car.
I looked at
Manuel
with hesitation. I thought about ditching him at the church, getting a mocha at a coffee shop nearby, and meeting him after the service.
I admitted,
“I don’t know
,
my
m
an. I don’t belong here. It’
s so strange to be back
. T
he divorce was
about
five years ago
, before my acting career started
.”
“I’m here with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole time.” He urged
,
“You used to love going to
Sunday school
and church
with me and your mom.”
At first,
Michelle
took Manuel with us when we were both four years old
.
Manuel lived with us for
a month
when Carlos and Liz
flew down to Argentina
to
s
how
newborn
Janet to the grandparents. On the way back, t
hey were stopped at immigration. Carlos was legal in the U.S. but was missing some documentation and the authorities thought he was an illegal immigrant. Ira and
Dad
helped Carlos prove that he was legal but the process took
a while
. Manuel liked going to church with
Michelle
and me so we just kept doing it after
his parents
returned from their
extended vacation
.
I liked
Sunday school and the service because of the messages. I liked
learning about compassio
n, forgiveness, and charity. I
wanted to be a good person, considerate and conscientious.
I liked hearing the music and songs during the
service
. I liked the priest interpreting the scriptures explaining how they were relevant in helping us all be better, nicer people.
I didn’t like the rules
and exclusions. I didn’t like the superiority the pious people showed
toward people who they thought were sinners. I didn’t like the hypocrisy.
Michelle
thought she had sinned too much after the divorce and stopped going. Now I underst
oo
d what sin she was talking about
. F
or the last four years I thought she meant that the sin was that she was divorced and had a few boyfriends.
I explained
,
“Yeah, I did
like going to church before the divorce
, but that was when I believed
that God was love. I certainly don’t think that now.”
I didn’t want to tell Manuel what I believed, not that I knew anyway. I
actually
tried to ignore thinking about God or church or what I was supposed to believe. Prayers ran through my head sometimes, especially in my dreams, but I
actively
ignored them, too. I only prayed with Manuel because I f
ound it so charming that he li
ked me saying a prayer
a
loud to him.
“I’m sorry your parents’ divorce was so hard on you. You’re probably thinking about bailing, but it would really be nice if you could be with me toda
y
.” Manuel smiled at me and took my hand. “I have
to pray and want to go, but it’
s up to you.”
“Well, it won’t ki
ll me,
”
I said
with a laugh
as we walked into the church.
I
looked around
and
was
instantly familiar with everything as if I had never missed
a Sunday in
five years.
I followed Manuel to a pew and went through the motions. I fought back tears several times. I didn’t know if the tears were from thinking about
Michelle
’s betrayal and
my
health
or from being moved by scripture or song. The setting intensified my self-reflection. I was also aware of the words I heard during the service. Saying the “Our Father” while Manuel held my hand made me have to wipe tears off my cheeks. It was a strange experience. I was more than relieved
when
it was over
.
I wanted Manuel to know that I appreciated him taking me to church. I thought it was sweet somehow, but couldn’t explain it. I put my arm around his waist as we walked to my car.
“Thanks for taking me. I liked the sermon and I got a warm feeling whe
n I prayed the
‘
Our Father
.
’
I remembered every word of the entire mass. It all came back to me as if I had never
been away
.”
We got into the car but I didn’t start it. I wanted to know why he needed to go to church and
why he liked me praying to him.
“Why do you like me saying prayers
a
loud to you?” I asked.
“Because you have the voice of an angel.” He shrugged. “The way you say the prayer somehow moves me, like, gives me chills.”
I laughed, “And you like getting chills? Have you ever thought that maybe the chills are from Satan or something?”
He laughed
, held my hand
and kissed the top of
it
. “
Y
ou don’t have an evil bone in your body.
You’re
total sweetness.”
I teased, “Maybe I’m a siren, an evil temptress singing songs to lure you to your death.”
He dismissed me. “Not a chance. You’re an angel.”
He squeezed my leg. “I get the same feeling
with you that I do when I go to church.”
I started the car and
headed
home.
I still had questions.
“Manuel,
why did we just go to church?”
He answered bluntly,
“Because you just had a major life trauma and I can’t deal with it by myself. I need help.”
“But God’s not, like, speaking your words for you and controlling your actions. You are.
You’re
responsible for yourself. God has nothing to do with it
,
” I explained.
He disagreed.
“No
.
God helps me deal with it, do the right thing.”
I objected, “I do
n’t see it.
People turn to God for guidance and ignore
that bad stuff
happened in the first place which made them turn to God. So why not just blame God for doing the bad stuff, too
?
I
easily
believ
ed in God when my life was good
and happy
before the divorce and before I started acting. Everything that had happened in my life that was bad happened after
Dad
left
Michelle
and me.
All I knew was
that
there was a lot of pain and loneliness
.
I understood that
Dad
needed to divorce
Michelle
to find happiness and have a better life. He got that out of the divorce. He found Celia and
i
s completely in love with her.
Michelle
did
n’
t f
i
nd happiness. I thought that I had found happiness with
you
and just learned that I’m
a mess
.
Either God
is
here f
or the bad stuff, too, or there’
s no God.
”
“God is here always,
Lia
. Sometimes the bad stuff is what we need to become who we should be, to get stronger, to learn. God is the sun and the moon at the same time. Sometimes there’s an eclipse where the bad stuff is all darkness. The dark and light are both there. Right now, there’s more darkness so I needed to go to church today to pray for more light, to get help seeing the sun again without burning my eyes.” He held my hand. “You think I’m
a God freak
, don’t you?”
“N
o, Manuel. You have a halo, a pure soul.” I looked into his smiling eyes as I drove into the garage. “I see it
in
those
sweet,
gorgeous eyes of yours.
I love you, my guardian.”
Dad
and I felt like we walked through a labyrinth of hallways to find the lab. We were both already anxious
and
getting lost several times did not improve our moods. “Finally!” I exclaimed when we saw the doctor waiting for us in the hallway.
Dad
shook his hand. “Thank you
,
Jacques
,
for helping us.”
“Oh, please, call me Jack.
” He turned to me and shook my hand. “
I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself to you yesterday. Please follow me.”