Loving Hart (30 page)

That brought me up short.  "Dude, what? I thought you didn't want kids!  You've always been so adamant about that."

When he answered, he spoke with a passion that surprised me.
  "I never wanted children until I fell in love with Sabrina
, that's true
.  But now I don't just want them, I need them.  The idea that my children will be a part of Sabrina makes me want to stand on top of mountain and beat on my chest.  She wants to have children while we're young, and I agree with that.  Her mother was twenty
-two
when she had Sabrina, so Sabrina is all about having them now.
  She says that even though her father was only twenty- seven
,
and was just finishing his first year as a resident
,
that they were thrilled with her arrival.
"

Damien was listening attentively, and I wondered what was going on in his head.  Once he spoke, I understood where his mind had been.  "
I'm right there with you.
  About fourteen seconds after Brooke and I are married, I'm hoping to have her pregnant.  I get all goofy in the brain when I think about watchin
g her carry our children.  I knew she wanted
children, but I wasn't sure what my chances were of getting her to start our family ASAP.  I feel like I've got a pretty good chance now!"

I couldn't help my reaction.  "Dude! What the fuck?
I thought for sure you were going to stay anti children."

The look he gave me said that he was a little sad for me. "I would have stayed anti children for the rest of my life, but with her… it's all so fuckin
g
different.  Now I daydream about having little Brookes running all over the place calling me daddy.  I'm hoping for five or six, but I'll take whatever Brooke feels like giving me."

After he stopped laughing, Dante chimed in with, "Right on.  I'm hoping for at least four.  Sabrina says we’ll start at two and go from there.  If you and I play our cards right, our kids could be born around the same time.  I bet
they
would love that.  It's going to be awesome to have the family grow.  I always secretly wanted a big one."

With everything that's just happened with Delilah and I deciding not to be together because she wants children and I don't, this conversation could
not be more awkwardly timed. T
hese two might be throwing in the towel and ready to give fatherhood a shot, but I'm not going there.   

***

Damien and I had
our work cut out
for us keeping Dante calm.  He wa
s like a caged animal, pacing the living room in long strides.  Giving me a "w
hat the fuck" look, Damien walked
u
p and laid
his hand on Dante's shoulder.

"
Dude
,
s
o much for not being nervous.  You look like you're about to have a complete breakdown.  Are you having
second thoughts or something?  I
f you are
I'm going to beat your ass."

Dante looked at Damien like he'd lost his marbles.  "Second thoughts? Are you fucking crazy? Fuck no.  I'm ready to go right now.
I want her to be m
y wife so fucking bad I'm half-c
razy with it.
I'm a nervous wreck because I'm worried that
she's
going to have second thoughts.  I love that woman so much I couldn't sleep at all without her last night.  That's when I got to thinking, what if
she
changes her mind?
  What if she realizes that I'm a huge step down for her and she bails?
"

Damien and I exchanged eye rolls over that
, even as we both took umbrage to him saying he was a step down
.  If there's one thing I'm shit sure of, it's that Sabrina will not be having second thoughts.  Her love for him is clearly evident in everything that she does. 

Stepping forward, I wrapped an arm around Dante's shoulder as Damien did the same.  Nodding at me, Damien let me know I could talk first. 

"Dante, that girl is so in love with you
;
there is no way she's having second thoughts.  She sees you for who you are, warts a
nd all, and she loves every part of you
.  You're perfect for each
other, and you deserve this.
 
You aren't a step down. 
You've been our fucking rock.  Without you, none of us would be here.
Damien and I used to talk all the time about how we hoped that when we grew up we'd be just like you.  I think we turned out pretty good, but you're always going to be our hero.
Grab your happily
ever after with both hands.  You've earned it."

Damien nodded in agreement.  "Spence is right.  Everything we learned about being good men came from you.  You aren't a step down.  You're getting damn lucky with Sabrina, but she's just as lucky to have gotten you."

Dante was all kinds of choked up, so Damien and I hugged his shoulders harder.  It brought back a memory
for me
of the three of us huddled together, one of us on either side of Dante,
his arms slung around our shoulders while we hid from one of our
parents’
parties
before the twins were born.  "Don't worry," he'd said.  "I promise that I'll always take care of you guys."
  He totally has, and I love him for that.

I could tell by looking at Damien that he was remembering something from our past too
, and I wondered which fucked up memory he'd conjured up
.  I guess it never really goes away.

Pulling away, Dante pulled Damien into a hug.  When he let him go, he pulled me in for one too.  After he let me go, he faced the two of us.  "I couldn't be prouder of you two if I tried.  When I look at our family, I know that everything we sacrificed was worth it.  Having you two here with me as I go to take this next huge step in my life… it's full circle.  We made it.  You think we made it because I took care of you, but the truth is, we made it because you both gave me something to care about.  Before that, I had nothing."

It took us a few minutes to get our shit together after that, and there were lots of hugs and
backslapping
.  We'd just gotten ourselves together when Aunt Sandra walked in.  "I just left the girls.  Wait until you see her
,
Dante! She's stunning.
I'm so happy for you honey
.
"

Dante jumped in with questions right away.  "She's all dressed and ready?  She's going to show up?"

Aunt Sandra looked at him like he'd lost his marbles before she burst out laughing.  "Honey, of course she's going to show up.  When I left she was chomping at the bit to get the ceremony started.  She told us she missed you like crazy.  You just saw each other yesterday!  You two crazy kids make me happy."

Dante lit up like a kid at Christmas, bouncing on his heels with barely contained excitement. 
Sandra and Damien wandered off for a moment to talk about some property he'd just bought, and that left Dante and I alone.

Glancing over at me, he gave me a searching look before he spoke.  "When I couldn't sleep last night, I started thinking about your face at dinner when Damien and I were gushing about how badly we want children. You're still thinking that you don't want them?"

I nodded my head in the affirmative
,
but stayed silent.

"I think that's a crying fucking shame Spence.  You'd be a great dad.  I know this is an awkward time to get all deep with you, but… I know you're in love with Delilah, and that she's in love with you.
When I told you I saw her with a boyfriend, I did it because I hoped you’d put a stop to it.
I've always known
that you guys belong together
, and back when I thought I'd never get married or have children
,
I had always banked on Dominique and Delilah giving me tons of nieces and nephews to love. With Delilah,
I had hoped that you would get married and I'd get to spoil your children rotten.
  I know my little girl Spence, and I know she wants babies.  Are you really going to let her get away?"

It felt like he was cracking my ribs open and pulling my heart out.  I'd always been afraid that he wouldn't think I was good enough for her, but here he is telling me he'd always hoped we'd get together.  Shaking my head, I looked
at him
.  "I can't give her what she wants.  I can do almost anything Dante, but I can't be a dad."

He looked sad but resigned, and I heard Sandra and Damien making their way back into the room.  "I hear you Spence, but I have shit to say.  We'll talk after I get back from my honeymoon."

I wouldn't be looking forward to that conversation.

Dante and Sabrina's wedding day has arrived, and I've promised myself that I will get through this with a damn big smile on my face.  I'm going to have to face the music with everybody at some point, but I'm not telling everybody that I'm pregnant until they get back from their honeymoon.  My brother deserves a wedding day that is free of worry about anyone or anything other than his bride.
  God knows he's paid a high price to get here.  He deserves to meet his future without having to worry about anyone but him and Sabrina.

Sabrina l
ooked
so beautiful that she took my breath away when I walked into her bedroom for my first look at her. 
She and Brooke had really been struggling earlier this morning with how sad it was that their parents weren't here to share the day, but they seem better right now.  Watching them struggle broke my heart.  What would it feel like to have loved your parents so much that it hurt you not to have them anymore?  I'd no sooner had that thought than I realized that someday I'd probably be getting ready for my own child's wedding all by myself, no daddy in sight. 

Standing in the living room of Sabrina and Brooke's family home, I looked at each one of the family photos.  I could see so much love there, so much affection.  Their father beamed with pride when he was with his girls, and it showed through in every photo.  Their mother must have been even more camera crazy than Mama San, because there were frames filled with photos.  The display that grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go was a large collage that said "Daddy's Girls" at the top.  There were photos of Mr. Tyler holding both girls when they were born, a picture of him passed out with Sabrina asleep against his side while baby Brooke slept on his chest, pictures of some father daughter dances,
family vacations,
and
an adorable picture
of the girls
playing dress up in
his
lab coats, both of them smiling side by side in the oversized coats that said "Dr. Tyler" on them.

I'd never be able to give my baby a father, never be able to make a "Daddy's Girls" frame that showcased treasured memories.  Instead, just like me, my baby was going to grow up without a father's love.  That, more than anything else, ripped my heart in two.  I already
love our baby so much that I could
barely breathe with it, but once Spencer finds out, he's going to be furious.  I'll have to live the rest of my life knowing that I caused Spencer to hate me, and our child, because I was too fucking stupid to take my birth control pills the right way.  And worse than that, I'll have to live with the fact that I'm not sorry about it anymore.  Before I know it, I'll have a piece of Spencer and me to love forever.  I can never pretend to regret that.  I didn't get my fairytale, but what I am getting is something I've wanted for as long a
s I can remember.  At least I ge
t that much.

My reverie came to a close when Brooke came into the room and found me staring at the photos.  Grabbing my hand, she pulled me over to the sofa. 

"Delilah… I know something's upsetting you.
  Can't you please tell me what's going on?"

Taking a deep breath, I harnessed all of my inner strength.  "I'm fine Brooke, I promise.  I'm just so emotional about the wedding.  This is huge for my brother, absolutely huge.  All of my dreams for him are coming true, and it's a lot to take in.  I can't explain how relieved I am, how this fills my heart.  I'm sorry if I'm acting strange."

She had no choice but to nod her head in understanding as Tally walked into the room.  Thankfully, that was the end of that.

***

Walking up the aisle ahead of Sabrina and Brooke, I smiled when I saw Dante and Damien standing at the altar with Spencer and Mama San.  Dante and Damien both looked nervous, and that made me giggle inside.  Dante's nervous to get the wedding behind him, while Damien is sweating bullets because he's going to ask Brooke to marry him later tonight.  My gaze fell on Spencer next, and we stared at each other as I finished making my way up the aisle.  How I wished a trip down the aisle into his waiting arms was in my future.

I turned to watch Sabrina and Brooke come down the aisle, and I had to hold in a tear when I heard my brother start sniffling.  Everyone chuckled and let out an "aww" when Sabrina grabbed Brooke's arm and all but ran up the aisle, right into Dante's waiting arms.  It was so clear to see how much they loved each other, how happy they were to be here.  The wedding passed quickly, and before I knew it the officiant was saying "It's my pleasure to introduce to you
,
for the first time
,
Mr. and Mrs. Dante Hart!"  We clapped and whistled as they made their way back up the aisle, beaming at each other.