Authors: Karina Gioertz
The next morning when I woke up, I had Chow Mein noodles stuck to my cheek and was still wearing the same clothes I had worn the day before. I slowly crawled out of bed and got undressed. No longer caring who I might run into, I stumbled to the bathroom still feeling half asleep and climbed into the shower, waiting for the hot water to work its magic and bring me back to life. We had called off brunch early on in the week because Gabe had to work, so I was in no hurry to get done and get downstairs. Instead, I took my time and allowed the water to wash away the week. It wasn’t until the hot water turned cold, that I finally turned the faucet off and ended my shower.
By the time I was dressed and ready for the day, Gabe had already left and Jason was in the kitchen reading the paper. There was no sign of Noah, which was fine by me. I poured myself a cup of coffee and then wandered into the living room. Intending to sit on the couch and relax, I stopped right in my tracks as the visual of Noah and Amy flashed through my head. Quietly I stood there, staring at the sofa, trying to will myself to sit down and let it go. Realizing that I would be unable to do that just then, I began to consider how long it might take me to reach a point in time where I could sit down on the couch and no longer think about how the sight of Noah’s naked ass had startled me. Disappointed, I assessed that it didn’t seem to be in the foreseeable future. There was only one logical thing to do.
“I was thinking of going to look for a new couch today, want to come?” I called out to Jason who was still sitting in the kitchen reading his paper. I heard him get up from his chair and walk into the room where he found me with my eyes still glued to the sofa.
“A new couch, huh? Why, are you afraid Noah's date left some crabs on the cushions?” Jason asked grinning, knowing full well the mere suggestion would appall me.
“You're disgusting!” I chided. Then I made a sour face and quietly said, “I hadn't even thought of that.” Part of me wondering if that was an actual possibility.
“Then why do you want to get rid of it, all of a sudden? Do you think this is the first time anyone has ever had sex on that couch?” Jason had no qualms about making contact with the couch, which he demonstrated by sitting on the arm rest so he could face me while we were talking.
“Because now every time I look at it, all I see is Noah's naked ass and that is not an image I wanted to have seared into my brain!” I whined loudly.
“So,...if that's what you see when you look at it, how come you've been in here staring at it for the last ten minutes? You know, if Noah's naked ass disgusts you so much.” Jason was looking particularly satisfied with himself and it began to annoy me to see him getting so much pleasure out of my discomfort.
“It's like that car crash syndrome...no matter how bad it is, you can't NOT look.” I held out my hands towards the couch as though I were presenting it to an audience. Only I was presenting it as something to be abhorred rather than adored. Finally, Jason gave in.
“Alright, a new couch then,” he sighed, smiling at me now as though he understood, although I was quite certain he did not.
“A new couch!” I firmly stated. It was the only viable solution to my problem. Relieved to know that I would soon be sitting on a brand new sofa in the living room I loved so much, I was finally able to take my focus off of the existing couch. I turned back towards the kitchen and walked over to the table to have a seat there. On my way, I turned back to Jason who had begun to follow me.
“And no, I don't think it's the first time anyone has had sex on it. It's the perfect 'have sex on it' couch. The cushions are cushy and comfy without being so cushy that you lose a limb in them and the size is perfect, you never have to worry about falling off, you know, unless you're just being reckless, and best of all, it doesn't matter how much motion there is, that couch never made a peep...of course if it wasn't so freaking quiet, I would have heard something before I turned on the lights and saw what I saw.”
Jason nodded.
“So, we will be looking for a noisy couch.”
My eyes widened with excitement at the thought.
“Yes, noise will be an important factor!”
A few short hours and several furniture stores later, Jason and I had still been unsuccessful in finding a replacement sofa. We had wound up in what resembled a giant warehouse, that was lined wall to wall with couches of every different shape, size and color. I felt a new burst of confidence as I took in their vast inventory. Jason and I began to walk down the aisles, searching for something suitable for our house. I spotted a nice looking sofa a few feet up ahead and while
it had a most welcoming amount of plushy cushions, its overall sex appeal rated at about a two due to the pattern on the upholstery, which looked like it could have been a set of curtains in the seventeen hundreds. Eager to see if it fit all the requirements, I went and had a seat on it, gingerly bouncing around on it in the process. Feeling my frustration return, I called over to Jason.
“Jason come and sit on this one.”
He walked over from the lazy boy recliner he had been eyeing and sat down beside me. He seemed rather pleased with it.
“What do you think?” I asked, although I could tell from the way his eyes were rolling into the back of his head as he leaned back and laid his head on the cushions that he was enjoying it.
“It's nice. Very comfy,” Jason confirmed.
“Move around a little,” I prompted him, hoping he would notice the sofa’s one major flaw. He sat up and bounced himself across the cushions. “Notice anything?”
“No.” Jason had clearly forgotten what was at the very heart of our mission that day.
“Exactly!” I nearly shouted it. Not intending to have raised my voice quite that much, I quickly looked around to see if anyone else had heard me.
“Oh, the noise thing. You were serious about that.” Jason sighed as he laid his head back and closed his eyes again.
“Yes, I was serious! Look I can't stop people from doing what they do, but I can set up some sort of a system to protect myself!” I knew I sounded ridiculous, even as I was saying it.
“To protect yourself?? From walking in on other people? Lucky you are being ridiculous! We've been living together for years, this is the first time this has ever happened. You are probably safe for the next seven years or so...” Jason had a point, and I knew he was right, but for some reason I just couldn’t let it go.
“You don't know...things are different now.” Shaking my head, I stood up from the couch and started searching again.
“What are you talking about?” Jason didn’t understand. I could tell he was trying to decide whether or not he had enabled me for long enough or if it was time to pull the plug on my little sofa buying expedition.
“Never mind, let’s just keep looking,” I said quietly as I walked out of ear shot, trying to avoid any further conversation regarding the topic. Disgruntled, Jason stood up from where he had been sitting and hurried to catch up to me. Just then, a sales guy had spotted us and began to approach us.
“Is there anything I can help you two find?” The sales guy was young, so young that he reminded me of one of my students. From the looks of him, his name would have to have been a Willy or Fred, or something along those lines. I had to fight the urge to call him either, and rather, reminded myself, that based on his name tag, it was actually Dominic, no matter how convinced I was that he had clearly stolen it from someone else. While my mind went off on a tangent regarding the sales guy’s true identity, Jason decided to chime in.
“Yes, we are looking for a noisy couch, do you have anything like that?” he asked, making no effort to hide the sarcasm in his voice.
“Excuse me?” Dominic appeared to be as confused by our request as I had been by his name.
“You know, something with a little squeak to it. I don't care what it looks like.” In the end, the noise mattered more to me than its appearance.
“I see...I might have what you are looking for in the back. Why don't you follow me and I'll show you.” Sounding surprisingly confident, Dominic pointed at the back door in the corner at the end of the warehouse.
“Great! Thank you.” Excited at the thought we were finally making some real progress, I grabbed Jason’s hand and pulled him along, as we followed Dominic to the secret door. When we reached it, Dominic took a quick look around, before opening it and ushering us through it as inconspicuously as possible. Once on the other side, we found ourselves in the place where living room furniture went to die. I couldn’t say for sure whether it was sofa hell or heaven, either way, I knew instinctively that I would find what I was looking for.
Later that evening, with the new couch placed perfectly in the center of our living room, I was happily sitting up in my room catching up on some writing, while Jason and Noah were downstairs getting friendly with the new sofa. While Jason was comfortably sitting back in the recliner taking in the full effect of the new look of the room, Noah was taking the more aggressive approach by standing up and moving around, examining it from every angle. He soon gave up and accepted the fact that the new couch was in fact the ugliest couch that had ever been made. Just as Noah was taking a step back from the new eye sore in our living room, Gabe walked in through the front door. Having been at work all day, he still hadn’t heard about the new addition. He was barely three feet in the door when he stopped abruptly, his eyes glued to the couch as a look of horror crept across his face.
“What the hell is that?” he demanded loudly.
“That is our new couch. You like it?” Jason grinned. Gabe was beside himself. With his face distorted and his arms spread out at both sides, he tossed his bag against the wall in the foyer and approached the couch.
“Do I like it? Have you gone blind?” he yelled, the exasperation ringing clearly in his voice.
“What, looking at this thing didn't destroy your vision?” Noah was trying hard to suppress a laugh.
“What is it doing here? Where is the old couch?” Gabe was beginning to circle the couch, frantically searching for some sort of explanation.
“Lucky took it to the Salvation Army,” Jason said calmly.
“And is that where she got this thing?” Gabe was pointing at the couch with complete and utter disgust.
“No, she paid good money for that. It was exactly what she wanted,” Jason replied.
“What?” Gabe still couldn’t wrap his brain around what had happened.
“Wait, wait...you haven't gotten the full effect yet. You have to sit on it.” Noah stepped aside and directed Gabe to have a seat. Unnerved by the mere thought, he cautiously took a few steps toward it and slowly began to sit down, stopping right before he made contact with the cushions.
“Have you guys sat on it? I don't want this thing to give me fleas or something.”
“Just sit down.” Jason was leaning forward in his chair, anxiously anticipating Gabe’s reaction. Grimacing, Gabe slid all the way down and fell into the couch, causing it to make an earsplitting screeching sound. Jason and Noah turned their heads, fighting back their laughter.
“Oh sure, you laugh. This is real funny!” Gabe spat angrily as he jumped back out of his seat.
“Don't be mad at us, we didn't buy it.” Noah was still laughing.
“Oh, I'm not mad at Jason. We all know whose fault this is!” Gabe replied, looking Noah up and down through slanted eyes.
“Hang on a sec. Are you saying this is my fault?” Noah asked in disbelief.
“Man, of course it's your fault!” Gabe shook his head at him and began to walk into the kitchen.
“How do you figure?” Noah was right on his heels. Gabe spun around to face him.
“How do I figure? Well, let's see, last night, Lucky catches you and your little friend on the couch and now the couch is gone. You think that's a coincidence?!”
“Whatever. It's not like I wanted her to walk in on us. I thought everyone was sleeping.” Noah grumbled as he walked back into the living room. This time Gabe was following him.
“Doesn't really matter now, does it?! Now that our couch is gone and it looks like swamp thing is here to stay.”
If Noah had felt a momentary pang of guilt, it had already disappeared.
“Yeah, I wish she wouldn't have gotten rid of that couch. I could have found a place for that in my room if I had known she was going to get a new one,” he said, smirking as he plopped down on the sofa, causing it to shriek once more. Jason, who had been listening to them quietly, made a face at the sound, then looked up to see how Gabe would respond. He didn’t. Instead, he just shook his head and walked away.
I was sitting at the desk in my bedroom, when I heard a knock on the door. I raised my head and turned to look, just as the door opened creating a gap just big enough for Gabe’s head to fit through. He looked around the room trying to assess my current state of mind and whether or not he would be welcome.
“You busy?” he asked, sounding almost cautious, and I became suddenly aware of the scowl on my face. I had been so engrossed in what I was writing; I hadn’t realized how much of what I had been feeling was still showing on my face. I quickly relaxed the muscles above my brow line and allowed my mouth to relax into a small smile.
“Not really. What's up?”