Lyttelton's Britain (22 page)

Cricketer Mike Atherton was born in Manchester. After a successful career, in 2000 he announced his retirement from
first class cricket to spend more time in the England team.

Another famous Mancunian is Judy Finnigan, who presents TV shows with husband Richard Madeley. She claimed a certain notoriety when, at an award ceremony, her blouse fell open, allowing her décolletage to spill out. Ever the professional, Madeley carried on, bravely ignoring the pain of his broken toes.

Nearby Salford was the birthplace of artist L. S. Lowry. A number of his famous ‘matchstick’ paintings are displayed in the Lowry Centre – contents approximately forty-nine.

Nearby Wigan was the birthplace of James Thompson, inventor of the Thompson Tunneller, and a man with obvious connections to the team from
I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
. Designed in the 1950s, Thompson’s rotary grinding machine meant tunnels all over Britain could be dug in a quarter of the time it used to take. Clearly Thompson wasn’t alone in knowing how to bore the country quickly.

C
HESTER
is the historic Cheshire city whose good people once returned Giles Brandreth as an MP. And who can blame them?

The name ‘Chester’ derives from the Latin ‘Castra Devana’, meaning ‘a riverside garrison’. It was named by the infamous Roman Commander ‘Julius Clarius’ who was sent ahead of the approaching army to find a suitable location for Caesar’s XXth Legion. Clarius terrified the local population when he marched into the town and proclaimed: ‘I am on the look out, for Caesar’s Camp.’ After overindulging in the many houses of ill-repute, he became ill and spent some months being treated at the 495 clinic. Parts of a stone tablet in the city museum recount the event: ‘CLARIVS CLAPPVS SIC’ and go on to describe his wife as ‘LIVID’, which was quite an advanced age for those days.

Chester has uniquely preserved its ancient city walls. Leading up to them on the north side are the ‘Wishing Steps’. Local custom says that anyone who can run up and down these 127 steps twice without drawing breath will have his wish fulfilled. This has proven to be true for several hopefuls whose wish was apparently to turn blue and collapse with oxygen starvation brought on by self-induced asphyxia.

L
IVERPOOL
has a linguistic derivation of some considerable historical interest. Guidebooks relate that the city took its name from two Old English words meaning ‘Boggy Water’, and the name is first mentioned in the Anglo Saxon Chronicle when King Edmund sailed up a creek of the Mersey and discovered ‘Muddy Pools’, who went on to become one of the greatest blues guitarists of the 9th Century.

However, some historians believe there is a more plausible explanation for the name Liverpool, suggesting that it may actually have come from the famous ‘Liver Birds’. In fact, they reckon if Carla Lane hadn’t been available to write it, the town would still be known by its old name of ‘It-Ain’t-Half-Hot-Mummapool’.

Famous Liverpudlians (‘Scousers’), include Jimmy Tarbuck (‘Tarby’), Cilla Black (‘Cilla’) and Les Dennis (‘that bloke off the telly’). Cilla and Tarby, true to their proud roots in Everton and Toxteth, still live very close by Marbella.

Liverpool Cathedral is opened by Britain’s tallest man

S
OUTHPORT
is a fine Lancashire town in the county of Merseyside. The names of many of the small towns dotted around Southport provide a clue to the area’s Viking past. These once included ‘Alridvik’, ‘Tylosund Karlanda’ and ‘Ektorp’, but were all changed when the towns discovered they were named after a range of Ikea sofas.

Southport as a seaside resort was only really established in the early Victorian era, when the town built Britain’s first ever Pleasure Pier. Following refurbishment in 2003, Southport won ‘Pier of the Year’, much to the dismay of neighbouring Blackpool, which could only manage second place in ‘Toilet of the Month’.

Emperor Napoleon III of France lived in Southport in exile during the 1850s. When, to mark the centenary of the event, President de Gaulle arrived on his official jet at nearby RAF Woodvale, as a mark of respect the air traffic controllers went on strike.

Napoleon returned to Paris in 1854, and began the reconstruction of his capital, modelled on Lord Street in Southport. Southport’s town councillors returned the compliment by providing Paris with donkey rides. The people of Paris were delighted by this goodwill gesture, pronouncing the donkeys: ‘very tasty.’

Influences of Southport’s architectural style can still be seen in Paris today. The monument at Les Invalides borrows heavily
from Southport’s Norman church, while the Pompidou centre was copied from the east face of Kwik-Save.

The writer Michael Arlen was brought up in Southport. Born into a wealthy family, he led something of a playboy lifestyle, including a rumoured affair with Nancy Cunard, despite her being married at the time to the shipping magnate, James Cross-Channel-Ferry. Arlen wrote many novels and essays during the 1930s, but when his writing ability left him, he retired to raise beef cattle. Sadly he suffered from terrible butcher’s block.

Southport is rightly proud to have been the home of Red Rum. The famous racehorse was trained there, running on the sands and swimming in the sea. Red Rum won the Grand National in 1973, ’74 and ’77 and then, in 1978, the 100 metres backstroke.

Grand National winner, Red Rum, taking a snack
.
(The law was later changed, making it illegal to feed small children to horses)

Amongst Southport’s many varied events, the town hosts an annual air show, with visitors enthralled by displays of air from all over the world. This year’s event was won by Albert Greasby of Warrington, who gained Gold Rosettes in three categories: ‘longest piece of air’, ‘dried air mounted on card’ and ‘mixed preserved airs in a sealed glass jar’. Mr Greasby puts his success down to the rich and fertile loamy soil found around his bicycle pump.

Every 12th July, Southport hosts an Orangemen’s March. Last year’s included Robert Kilroy-Silk and David Dickinson. Sadly, Dale Winton had to cancel as he’d contracted a nasty case of death-watch beetle.

Britain’s last chief hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, lived in Southport. During a career spanning three decades, Pierrepoint is credited with executing four hundred and thirty-three men and seventeen women, including 6 US soldiers at Shepton Mallet, 200 Nazis at Nuremberg and a parking meter attendant in Wythenshawe, that last one being a private job.

Probably Southport’s most famous resident is the actress Jean Alexander, who, for many years, played Hilda Ogden in
Coronation Street
. On retiring from
Coronation Street
, Miss Alexander was recruited to join the cast of
Last of the Summer Wine
, as the producers felt the show could use an injection of younger blood.

B
LACKPOOL
is officially Europe’s most popular coastal resort. Its first known settlement was founded by the Brigantes, an intimidating people whose warlike womenfolk terrified encroaching tribes with fearsome charges for use of hot water and the cruet set.

Little is known of the subsequent history of this area, but exciting evidence of the Emperor Vespasian’s occupation was discovered recently by a local archaeologist, when a lost hoard of Roman coins fell at his feet after he got three cherries up.

After the Roman occupation, Vikings arrived in what is now Lancashire. That it was a peaceful integration is suggested by the many place names that are combinations of Scandinavian and Anglo-Saxon, including ‘Layton-cum-Warbreck’, ‘Bispham-with-Norbreck’ and ‘Wigan-by-Smorgesbord-Pickled-Herring’.

These Norse settlers had arrived via the Isle of Man, where they’d gone seeking to create a new type of forward-looking liberal society. Not a mistake they’ll make again in a hurry.

Blackpool became a health resort in the 18th Century, when bathing in sea water became a national craze. When it was time for the ladies to bathe, a bell was rung and any gentleman found on the shore taking a peek was fined a shilling. Court records from 1757 reveal that one offender defended himself on the grounds that he’d gone deaf, and after medical reports confirmed this, he was fined a further half-crown for gross public indecency.