Lyttelton's Britain (28 page)

G
LASGOW
is a city that boasts many cultural and academic achievements. With an education system that is the envy of Britain, I now read that successive generations have enjoyed an amazingly high lite racy rat. Despite this, only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular English usage: ‘Kilt’, ‘Haggis’ and ‘Partick Thistle Nil’.

Founded in the year 550
AD
by St Mungo, life for Glaswegians over several centuries centred around its ‘Kirk’ for a people known as the ‘Scottie’, later joined by the ‘Sulu’, the ‘Uhura’ and the ‘More Power Mr Chekovs’. It was their occasional explorations south to face the encroaching English that led to the first recorded use of the line: ‘It’s civilisation, but not as we know it.’

The city grew steadily and by the 18th Century was Britain’s major port for trade with the New World. Sadly, rapid decline followed the American War of Independence, when the Revolutionary Colonists and their Native Indian allies fought the British to throw off the oppression of being ruled by a complete idiot called George.

Glasgow’s most famous son in the field of art and design is surely Charles Rennie Mackintosh, whose family also lent their name to the popular waterproof garment. Sadly, a simple confusion over Rennie and Mackintosh, led to many braving inclement weather wearing nothing but an indigestion tablet;
although they were in better shape than those who stayed in trying to ease their dyspepsia by swallowing a raincoat. However, Rennie Mackintosh’s greatest achievement must be his work in the discovery and promotion of Art Nouveau, one of the finest jazz saxophonists of his generation.

One of Glasgow’s famous seagull jugglers

E
DINBURGH
, Scotland’s fine capital, is very much a city of culture and elegance. Indeed Edinburgh is often called the ‘Athens of the North’, by many who have never visited either Athens or Edinburgh.

The city was founded by Edwin of Northumbria, and was originally known as ‘Edwin Burgh’, but later the ‘W’ was dropped. Unpopular with the townsfolk, Edwin sailed for Turkey, where they dedicated the city of Ankara to him.

Edinburgh’s first charter was granted in 1329 by Robert the Bruce, who gained Scotland independence. Legend has it that Bruce drew inspiration from watching a spider, so he sat in an empty bath and refused to be flushed down the plughole until the English left.

According to the city’s official records, Edinburgh became the capital in 1482, when the Scots lost Berwick. But I have startling news: I know where it is. It’s just down the road on the River Tweed.

The city’s political importance declined after 1707 with the Act of Union, which decreed members of the Scottish Parliament move to Westminster to run England from there.

In the early 18th Century, the Scots continued the fight for their independence, and it was during the Jacobite rebellions that Flora MacDonald became famous, when she invented margarine.

Edinburgh is the seat of the recently devolved Scottish Parliament. The Scots voted finally to split from the Union because the English notion of having a good time is to visit Edinburgh in August to watch a Hungarian juggle live lobsters in a street full of Americans while paying over the odds for a Curly Wurly deep fried in batter.

The Scottish political scene has recently witnessed a surge in support for the Scottish National Party. The SNP’s cause has been greatly assisted by that famous Scottish Nationalist, the actor Sean Connery. Such is his enthusiasm for his mother country that Connery makes a principled stand in his movies and refuses to use any other accent, no matter what the role.

At the far end of the Royal Mile is Holyrood House and Queen Mary’s Bath. History records it is there that Queen Mary bathed up to her waist in fine claret. One courtier who tasted the wine had difficulty describing its flavour, saying there was a hint of something he couldn’t put his finger on.

On 4 March 1990, the people of Edinburgh celebrated 100 years of the Forth Bridge by painting the town red. On 5 March they started again

Over on Princes Street is located the famous Scott Memorial. The memorial is dedicated to Sir Walter Scott of course, and not Captain Scott, although the two are easily confused, as Sir Walter also failed miserably to become the first man to reach the South Pole.

Famous names associated with Edinburgh include Sir James Young Simpson, who discovered chloroform. Making his revolutionary presentation to the Royal Surgical Academy, its members were reported to be amazed when Sir James brought in several young volunteer nurses, and proceeded to knock one out in front of them.

 LYTTELTON’S BRITAIN 
WALES

BBC engineers prepare to receive Marconi’s first broadcast with equipment powered by sheep farts

R
HYL
, the fine North Wales coastal resort, has a long and fascinating history. According to the official history of the region, in about 1000
BC
the area became inhabited by a primitive Celtic tribe who spoke a language recognisably akin to modern Welsh, this being an era before vowels had been invented.

These Celts practised ritual sacrifice in local bogs, worshipping their god ‘Celdenrowd’, which roughly translates as ‘Call Dyno-Rod’.

Evidence of Roman occupation may be found in the bath-house at nearby Prestatyn, where exclusively male bathers rubbed each other’s bodies with olive oil before scraping it off with sea shells. This is well documented by Julius Sextus Maximus, the local camp commander.

The area then reverted to Celtic rule, and historians have recently proved that a small group led by one Owain Madog sailed from these shores for America. Their descendants were discovered in the 18th Century, as a tribe of apparently native American Indians, who were in fact obviously Welsh. As the English settlers crossed the mid-west plains, they spotted smoke signals, and realised the tribe was burning down their holiday homes.

After the Anglo-Saxons conquered England, they looked to invade Wales, but history records the Welsh defence was led by
the priest who became St David. He went into battle brandishing aloft a leek to intimidate the Saxon warrior Gudrun, and when that didn’t work, he twatted him with a big metal club.