Manslations (18 page)

But if you use this to get him to do stuff, ah, he'll catch on. And when he does, he's going to ignore your emotions from that day forward. The Talk should be about bringing the two of you closer together, not one of you tricking the other one into doing stuff.

In this section, I'll take some of the trickier examples that I've heard about, point out the danger zones, and offer some suggestions for your best route through.

A lot of women who have written to me have asked about this one. How soon is too soon to tell him all the terrible, horrible things about you (I'm assuming stuff like diseases, murder convictions, and dog-fighting rings by the way they're talking about it), and how is the best way to bring it up?

Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that, with the right guy, it sort of doesn't matter. However you can get yourself through this stuff, the right guy is the one who is going to react just fine regardless of the timing or words you use. A good relationship deals with what comes through and turns it into just more good relationship.

The bad news is that, of course, there are plenty of guys you'll feel you have to tell “just right.” These are what I like to call the “wrong guys for you.” Look, whatever horrible stuff you've done (and I'm just sure it's terrible), you already did it, right? It's a part of your life. So, ah, ain't nothing you can do about it anyway.

The real answer is “when you feel like you can bring yourself tell him about it.” Might you be wrong about that timing? Sure, but only with the wrong guy. The right one will have to be able to hack it even at the “wrong” time, or else he wouldn't be much of a right guy, would he?

I've had my share of “bad stuff” revealed to me in my time, and almost invariably, my reaction was that it wasn't as bad as she thought it was. Even when it was pretty bad stuff, it certainly didn't change how I felt about her. Really. Even when I didn't like her that much, now that I think about it.

I know you're still going to worry about this. And that's fine. I mean, it's going to happen, so whatever. What's important for you to know is that likely he will not be nearly as freaked out as you are. Remember, we don't think in terms of “meaning” in the same way that you do. We think in terms of “function.” So if you did something lousy years back, what he's not thinking is, “That means that she's a monster!” It's more like, “Huh. So… so I do nothing about that, right? This is just stuff that happened, yeah? Okay. Cool.”

This is a tough one for everybody. Nobody's ever sure when to say it, and if you blow the timing, everybody's pretty sure they're in for some weapons-grade awkwardness.

Here's what you need to know about how a man hears “I love you.” Obviously, it depends on how he feels about you. If he loves you back, his initial reaction is probably major, pants-pooping relief. “Whew! She loves me, too!” He'll probably say it back right then. Yea, everybody's happy.

But what happens if he doesn't love you back? Well, it's important to know that, just like with the crying, he's going to be launched into “problem-solver” mode.

The Problem: I've got a woman who just put herself way, way out on a limb by telling me she loves me, and I'm standing here, saying nothing.

The Solution: Panic. He might say anything here. If he senses that you desperately need him to tell you he loves you back, he might say it, even if he doesn't feel it. Uh… I've heard. I read that somewhere. About a very… bad man. Sigh. What do you want from me? It happens, okay?

The key with “I love you” is, I think, that it can never be unsaid. My personal policy is that the way to know when to say this for the first time is that you can't possibly hold it in for one second longer. And only because
you
want to say it—never just because you need
him
to say it. If you say “I love you” only to hear it back, oh, you might very well hear it back. But it will only be because he's trying to solve your problem for you. Not because he feels it.

These are your “dirty socks on the floor,” your “never does the dishes,” your “do I really have to ask him eleven times to mow the lawn?” He was supposed to do something, usually chore-like, and he's not doing it, and how can you get him to do it?

First, you should know that many men will try to “get around” actually solving these problems. We all know the issue:

She hates it when I come home late. Let me see. How can I come in late more quietly?

or

Okay, she doesn't like when I hang out with these specific friends. So…when I do that anyway, how can I make sure she never finds out about it?

This is just the way we do. Sorry about that, everyone. However, there occasionally comes a time when we know that it is actually far
more
annoying to sneak around the problem than to just fix it once and for all.

And by that I mean that we intend to fix it in a way that is not at
all
once and for all, but that we hope will do for the time being. Ergo…

Hmm. I have got to fix that toilet that keeps running. Now, I know that I could fix it for good if I were to replace this part. And all I would have to do would be to go to the hardware store, find a replacement part, drain the tank…okay, hold on. What if I took this garbage-bag twist tie and some gum…

But then sometimes we actually have to fix the problem for real. It's so unfamiliar to some of us that we almost don't know where to start. But once we get in there… well, we're going to really make a mess.
^*

So how are you going to move past all of this nonsense as quickly as possible? I heard a great illustration of a good way to approach this. A couple we know had this conversation. She let him know he hadn't done whatever stupid little thing it was, and he said, “Uh-oh. Am I in trouble?” And she looked at him like he was nuts and said, “Who in the world would you be ‘in trouble’ with?”

He expected to be trapped in this mommy/little boy relationship that we see on TV all day long, in which the woman scolds the man, and the man, chastened, goes off and does his chores. The problem here is not that it won't work on one level—you'll probably get those dishes done with scolding. But when he hears you talk to him that way, then he starts to behave that way, too.

Basically, if you treat him like he's a little boy you have to scold to keep in line, well, why would you think he'd behave otherwise? And if you treat him like a man, same thing.

The key with this stuff is to refuse to go with the scolding-mommy dynamic. It's seductive, especially for actual moms who are dealing with actual little kids. But that's the thing—if you have kids who you are trying to keep in line, ah, he's not one of them. So if he's behaving like one of them,
that's
the problem:

“Come on. I'd expect this from the kids—they're twelve, they don't shower, they're little morons. You're on
my
team, right? I really need you to help me figure out how to keep this place functional, without running out the door and going on a tri-state killing spree, okay?”

That's not nagging. Nagging is when you misrepresent the relationship as the Wicked Stepmom vs. Dennis the Menace. This is saying, “Hey, we're both adults, we're a unit, we're together. Help me out and meet me halfway on this, okay?”

And the very best way to approach this? Completely coldly, before he's even screwed it up. Definitely before you're furious. Have a sit-down to come up with all of the chores, who does them, how often, etc. Make sure everybody agrees to what they're supposed to do. Let him know that you're not going to just forget about this, but you're really going to do it and stick to your half. Then, if he “forgets” (and, er, he might), you've got his own agreement to work with:

“Come on. We don't need to talk about this. We agreed that every other week it was your turn to clean out the walrus cage. Get out there. It looks like Gustavus was sick this week.”

Warning:
Do not exchange sexual favors for chores. Ever. Ever. Why? Not because it won't work. Don't do it because it
will
work. And then you're a hooker who gets paid in chores. Which, I mean, if that's your thing, knock yourself out.

These are The Talks that men seem to be least likely to initiate. I'm not 100 percent sure why. I just think that we don't always think in these terms. A lot of men have some idea that they are attempting to stave off “domestication” and escalating the relationship can seem to be at odds with that.

That's the advice here. Don't make it about adding new restrictions. In the example of becoming exclusive, you're not saying, “Listen, I want you to be unable to see other people.” I mean, you don't want that because you have some weird desire to deny him other women. You want that because you want to be closer to him, and the way you get there is to be the only person in the other one's life.

This isn't spin. This is being clear. If you tell him that what you want is for him to see only you, he doesn't know why. For all he knows, it's because you're trying to “tame” him or “test” him, or “break” him like a wild horse. You know, as a hobby. (I know that no woman has ever done that, of course. It's just a silly, silly example that never happens…) But if he knows that you are crazy about him, and you want to get even closer? That's clear. There's no question about agendas. You're being straight, and there's no reason for him to go on the defensive.

The timing is up to you. There's no good or bad timing for these sorts of talks (though, again, I'd wait until after the post-game interviews are over if you want his full attention. And I'd do it after his team wins, just to be safe. Kidding, kidding. Kind of…).

A very important thing to know about men is that you are
not
going to screw this up by screwing it up. And by that I mean it's not how you word this that is going to get him to want to move in with you. It's not the timing of the conversation that is going to get him to marry you. Or not to. These things, they just aren't affected by you “finessing” them. He either wants to become exclusive or he doesn't. There will never be a moment when he says, “Well, I was ready to stop seeing other women and just be with her. But then she asked me to do that in the dopiest way, and… I don't know. Now, I'm rethinking the whole thing.”

Relax. The good news and the bad news is that you just don't wield that kind of power here. Be clear and be direct and really say what's going on. The rest is up to him.

I've gotten some questions about how men prefer to be dumped. No, I really have gotten that exact question. Uh, I've done some informal polling, and it turns out that, strangely, they prefer
not
to be dumped. I know. I was surprised as well.

But you know, there actually are better and worse ways to do this. For him and for you. During a hot air balloon ride? Not great. (No safe escape routes.) Via text message? Honestly? Better than the hot air balloon. At least it's quick.

See, whenever anybody wants to dump his or her person, there's usually a bit of a debate whether to use the full-on Dump or the Fade. The Fade, of course, is where you pretend to stop existing and hope he doesn't notice that you're gone. With relationships longer than, say, a month, this will be about as effective as when a three-year-old “hides” by covering his eyes.

Anything longer than a month and you're likely looking at a real, full-on, no-kidding-around Dump. How do you do it? Two words:

Clear. Direct.

Remember those words from somewhere? Yep, same as with all the other Talks, you need to be clear with him here. Even if that means seeming cruel. I say “seeming” cruel, because I'm not talking about being Clear and Direct about what's wrong with him. What's the point? You want out, right? You're not holding a class called “What You Should Do to Fix Yourself, Even Though I'm Dumping You Anyway 101” are you? Wait… don't answer that.

So if not about what's wrong with him, Clear and Direct about what? Clear and Direct about the fact that you are
ending the relationship.
You're not thinking about it. You're not considering it. You're not “pretty sure” you “might need some time” to “figure things out.” Leave him no room to think that there is something that, had he done it, you'd be staying. Don't leave him with the impression that there is unfinished business, or he'll become an unfinished businessman. Possibly with a briefcase and everything. (Probably not, but I don't know who you're dating.)