Marrying Kate (24 page)

"I don’t want to leave you here alone."

"I won’t be alone. There are lots of doctors, nurses and other patients to keep me company. Besides, I’ll probably sleep the whole time you’re gone anyway. Go home," Kate urged.

Jared’s thumb moved softly back and forth across her hand. "Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel that we are all abandoning you."

"I’m sure. You won’t do me any good if you’re falling asleep on your feet."

Jared nodded. He looked down at their clasped hands, then back up and their gazes met. "Like Bry
, I owe you an apology for the things I said last night. You were right about not dwelling on the guilt and moving forward. I see that now. I had no right to talk to you the way I did. For me to take my hurt and anger out on you was plain wrong. If it’s any consolation, I felt worse afterwards than I did before."

"I know you were hurting. And yes, you hurt me too. I think we need to talk about things
, but I’m just too tired now." Kate couldn’t hide the yawn that overtook her.

Jared nodded. "We both need some rest, then we can talk more. I just want you to know that I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you in my...our lives. I...we need you so much, in so many ways. Just tell me you’ll give me another chance. Tell me I haven’t blown the best thing that’s ever happened to me."

Kate stared at Jared, sure that she was imagining the words that came out of his mouth. It sounded like he really wanted their marriage to work out. That he wanted her, not any other woman but her, to be his wife. Was it possible? Could he love her? Kate didn’t ask the question. Now—with both of them positively drooping from exhaustion—was not time to pursue such a conversation. Kate wanted to make sure they were both clear headed and alert when they discussed something so important.

"Of course I’ll give our marriage another chance. I’ll always give our marriage another chance. It’s for life, remember? For better or worse. I guess we’ve hit a few of the worse patches lately
, but we’ve also had some pretty good better times. I’ve survived both, so I’m going to stick around for more."

"Thank you." Jared lifted their clasped hands and kissed the back of hers.
"I don’t deserve this, but I’m going to do what I can to make things up to you." He stood then and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I’ll be back later to check on you."

"I look forward to it. I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere for a day or two."

"At least." Jared smiled at her, momentarily erasing the exhaustion from his face. "Til later."

Kate watched Jared leave the room. She really wanted to take some time to think over everything Jared had said. To ponder them in her mind but exhaustion won out and she had to push them aside for another time.

When Kate woke later that afternoon the room was considerably brighter thanks to a couple of bouquets of flowers and a balloon arrangement. Jared stood in front the window staring out at the world beyond.

Kate took a few minutes to surreptitiously observe him. She was glad to see the exhaustion gone from the lines of his face. So too were the worry and tension. He looked more relaxed than he had in days
…weeks even.

As if sensing her gaze upon him, Jared turned from the window. His piercing blue eyes held hers for a heartbeat before he smiled and stood.

"Feelin’ better?" Jared asked as he sat down on the chair next to her bed. "You’ve gotten a lot of rest, the nurse said."

"I’m not feeling so tired
, but I still hurt." Kate lifted a hand to her head and touched the bandage there. "And my back too."

"I think it will hurt for a bit. The doctor has said you can go home in a couple of days. Darlene agreed to come stay with us until you’re fully recovered. She’ll stay in my old place."

"I hate to put her out," Kate said even though knowing Darlene was at the house eased her worries about the children.

"She volunteered. I think she’s thrilled to have people depending on her. The kids are doing just fine with her." Jared leaned back, stretching his long legs out in front of him. "But they still miss you. They should be by in a little bit to visit."

They showed up an hour later and the concern on their faces quickly faded when they saw Kate was looking much like her old self. The three older ones took turns filling her in on their day at school. Dani sat on the bed cuddling with her. Kate looked at the four young faces and felt a wealth of love flood her. No matter that these children had not come from her body, she couldn’t have loved them more.

Kate ran a hand over Dani’s downy curls and thanked God that she was still alive to be with the
m. Her life, and Jared’s, could easily have ended up in that cabin. The thought of the kids having to handle another loss in their life was heart wrenching.

The kids didn’t stay too long. When they left, Jared went with them at Kate’s insistence. They needed at least one parent home with them. Kate thought she wouldn’t see Jared until the next morning but later that evening he came back.

"The kids are all in bed." He settled down in the same chair he’d used earlier.

"You didn’t have to drive all the way back into the city tonight," Kate protested. "You need to get some rest."

"I’m fine. Besides, I wanted to be here with you."

Jared wasn’t looking at her so Kate couldn’t see the expression in his eyes
, but her heart leapt at the underlying message in his words. She hoped she wasn’t misreading things, that he was there simply because he felt guilty about what had happened to her. Kate didn’t want him to do anything out of guilt.

"How’s Garth doing?" Kate asked, wanting to change the direction of her thoughts.

Jared sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. "He’s going to make it. Unfortunately. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and I don’t really wish him dead, but the betrayal cut deep."

"I don’t understand why he did what he did? What drove him to betray you?"

"I’m afraid I don’t really understand it all myself. He’s not talking much, but it seems that a few times in his past he crossed from the gray area that our business sometimes dictated we enter, into the black. I knew of at least one incident. I’d been there with him when it had happened. I guess he figured as long as I was with the agency I wouldn’t squeal. I’d voiced my opinion on how the matter had been handled. I thought we’d dealt with it and moved on. I certainly had no intention of blackmailing him or releasing any information to the press. To do so would have jeopardized the agency and despite the odd time when things go wrong or people like Garth cross into the black area, the agency does a lot of good.

"It just saddens me that Garth didn’t realize I wasn’t a threat and because of that, five people are dead. And you’re injured."

Kate heard the guilt in his voice and remained silent. The last time she’d tried to assuage his guilt it had gone horribly wrong. She wasn’t going to risk that again. She still wished he would realize that his guilt would change nothing and would only hamper his future.

"You were right, you know," Jared said, looking at her. A smile played around his lips. "As usual."

Kate arched a brow. "I like the sound of that, but what was I right about this time?"

"My feeling guilty."

Once again, Kate kept silent. She really didn’t want to go back over this rocky ground.

Jared looked down at his hands, then back up at her. "I talked with Drake while you were in surgery. I was feeling guilty about pretty well everything that had happened to anyone close to me. He shared to me a bit about his life and about how God doesn’t want us to feel guilty about things that happen but to just turn them over to Him."

Kate’s interest was definitely peaked. Not just about his conversation with Drake but that it sounded like Drake was a Christian.

"I think I felt a burning need to carry that guilt. I know that sounds really strange
, but it’s like everyone else is shouldering the consequences of my decisions. My only brother is dead along with Jen and your folks. You’re sporting a bullet wound that should have been mine. I seem to keep coming out unscathed in all of this and it didn’t feel right. I needed that guilt to inflict something upon myself."

Kate finally spoke. "You may not bear the physical consequences like the rest of us, but you’re bearing the emotional ones. You’ve lost two people who meant a lot to you. That loss will always be a part of you."

"I know," Jared said with a small nod. "And thanks to Drake and a little soul-searching, I discovered that I was holding tightly to things in my life. Not giving them over to God so that He could deal with them and help me in my daily walk. I still have a lot to learn about being a Christian, I think."

"Me, too," Kate agreed. She had been guilty of not turning over certain aspects of her life. Or even if she had turned them over, she would later, in a moment of panic, grab them back to worry over. The most recent one being her marriage.

Jared looked at her in surprise. "You struggle with this as well?"

Kate nodded. "I think it’s something a lot of people do whether they are new Christians or not. It’s hard to give control of your life to someone else. And not just giving that control to God but letting
Him keep it. When things don’t go exactly to our plan or work out as quickly as we’d like, it’s easy to take things back into our own hands and begin to worry over them again."

Jared looked thoughtful as she spoke. "I’m so used to being in control of my life. For months on end I would be the only person I could depend on. It’s a hard habit to break
, but I’m determined to work on it."

"We can try working on it together," Kate suggested somewhat cautiously.

"I’d like that. We can watch out for each other. You tell me when I’m forgetting to give something to God and I’ll do the same for you."

Kate liked the idea too
, but there was one thing she would never be able to confide in him. One thing he’d never know if she took it from God’s hands again. Their marriage. That was something she alone would have to watch herself on.

Jared didn’t stay much longer but before he went, they prayed together. Kate watched his tall frame fill the doorway and then disappear. She wished he could have stayed with her but knew it was impractical and selfish. The kids needed him too.

Over the next couple of days Jared spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. Their pastor and his wife stopped by a couple of times and Kate was encouraged by their visits.

The morning they discharged her
, Jared arrived bright and early. He pushed her wheelchair out of the hospital and took great care helping her into the car. Kate was very relieved to finally be going home. She looked forward to settling back in with her family. Being apart from them and the daily routine of their lives had been difficult for her.

As they pulled into the driveway of the house, Kate spotted a big sign hung over the front door welcoming her home. She blinked away tears, touched that the children had missed her enough to welcome her home in such a manner. All four of them stood beneath the sign with Darlene. They waited until Jared had pulled to a stop before hurrying to greet Kate.

Candy greeted her with an enthusiastic yet gentle hug, obviously forewarned to not be too rough with Kate.

"I’m so glad you’re home, Auntie Kate," Amelia said as she wrapped her arms around Kate’s waist.

Kate looked down into her niece’s upturned face and brushed a stray strand of hair to the side. "I’m glad to be back home with you. I’ve missed you all."

Amelia released her and Bry approached slowly. He didn’t hug her right away but stood looking down at the toes of his sneakers. "I took the game back," he finally said in a low voice.

Kate slid her fingers under his chin and lifted his face so their eyes could meet. "I’m proud of you, Bry. You did the right thing." She smiled at him, her gaze softening with the love she felt for nephew. "I missed you."

That seemed to prod Bry into action and he hugged her then. Once he released her Darlene came forward with Dani. Kate tried to take the little girl into her own arms
, but a sharp shaft of pain in her back prevented it. Instead she had to be content with placing a soft kiss on the baby’s cheek and nuzzling her neck while Darlene held her.

"Why don’t we go on inside so your aunt can sit down," Jared suggested.

Kate gratefully took the arm he offered and climbed the few steps to the front door. As she walked through the doorway, a sense of homecoming that she hadn't expected flooded Kate. The last time she’d been in the house she’d been searching for a way to escape from it. To escape the words that had caused so much pain. To escape her sister’s presence. Now it felt right to walk through the door and feel at home.

"Are you okay?" Jared peered down at her with concern.

Kate realized she tightened her grip on his arm and forced herself to relax. She smiled and without a word of a lie assured him she was fine.

Darlene had prepared a large brunch for them. Kate was surprised at how well she ate
, but after three days of hospital food she was ready for something else. Once the meal was over, Jared left to take the kids to school. He had only given them permission to take the morning off since she was coming home, but they had to go for the remainder of the day. The only thing that helped to quiet their complaints was that the next day was Saturday.