Memory's Edge: Part One (17 page)

Chapter Thirty-Two

Misinterpreted

Waking up
on the couch the next morning with a stiff neck wasn't exactly the way John had
imagined waking up next to Gretchen for the first time. The little square throw
pillow he’d stuck under his head the night before while watching a movie had
squished down, leaving his head in a very awkward position. Gretchen, however,
was sleeping comfortably as she used his arm for her pillow. Unfortunately, her
comfort left John’s hand completely numb. Regardless of his discomfort, he
wasn't about to move.

Shifting slightly,
John turned onto his side and draped his free arm around Gretchen’s waist. She
smiled in her sleep and leaned against him. The scent of her hair filled his
senses. John loved the smell of honeysuckle and jasmine simply because it
reminded him of her. He was half tempted to suggest planting honeysuckle vines
in the backyard so he could smell them when she was at work.

Not that
John had to worry about her being gone during the day for a while with school
out for the summer. That thought made him pull Gretchen even closer. Gretchen
already had a million ideas about what they could do during her break.
Apparently there were mountains nearby, rivers, hiking trails, sandstone
monuments, and half a dozen other things she couldn’t wait to see. Having someone
to do them with only made her more excited to start.

John hoped
his leg could keep up with her. Thinking about his leg brought the low ache it
was radiating to the front of his mind. He wondered if that would ever go away.
It was damaged so badly, John wasn't sure if it would. The physical therapy
appointments he went
to
had taught him ways to
strengthen his leg, but the physical therapist had warned him it would take
time. That didn’t bother John at all. Lying with Gretchen made it feel as if he
had plenty of time.

Lifting his
hand to Gretchen’s bare shoulder, he stroked it slowly. Her soft skin responded
to his touch, making Gretchen smile and subconsciously roll her shoulder in
time with him. Leaning down so he could kiss her skin, John paused when his
vision blurred. He still saw Gretchen beside him, but her skin looked
different, paler. Then she rolled toward him, except she didn’t. John couldn’t
feel her moving, but he could see her shift, and he suddenly realized what was
happening.

He wasn’t
seeing Gretchen, he was remembering someone else.

The woman
from his memory turned to faced him, revealing the same dark waves of hair and
heart-shaped face he’d seen the previous night. Her lips curled up in a smile,
but didn’t speak. Reaching up to John, her lips pressed against his cheek and
he could almost swear he felt her touch. John could feel his own mouth warming
into a smile despite his disbelief. The memory woman laid back down, blurring
his vision again and leaving Gretchen in her place.

An intense
shiver ran through John’s body as he stared at Gretchen’s sleeping form. He
knew she hadn’t actually gone anywhere, but he felt cold instead of being
warmed by her touch like he should have been. He’d seen the woman three times
now. Each time the memory seemed to last longer than the one before. She was
familiar, but not familiar enough for John to know who she was. She was in his
arms, but why?

Dr. Sanchez
had told John to call her if he remembered anything at all. That would
undoubtedly mean Gretchen finding out about the flashes, and that was not
something he wanted. There was no way he could tell Gretchen. It was only a few
brief memories popping up, lasting barely a few seconds. And only about this
one woman.

In that
brief moment of seeing her John felt amazed and happy like he did when he was
with Gretchen, but it faded as soon as the memory ended and was quickly
replaced by anger. Where was this woman now? If she had cared about him like
she seemed to, why wasn’t she there? John couldn’t bring himself to believe
anyone who had been a part of his life wouldn’t have known where he was and
been able to find him. Maybe the woman hadn’t been involved with John in a very
long time, but if she had been, the only reason he could see for why she hadn’t
found him was because she didn’t want to.

Gretchen
yawned and rolled toward John.

“You know,
I think this is the first time since you starting cooking that I haven’t woken
up to the smell of breakfast,” Gretchen said before yawning again. “You must be
slacking.”

Refusing to
think about the memory woman for another second, John leaned down and kissed
Gretchen. “I guess I’ll have to remedy that,” he said.

Gretchen
pulled him closer before he could move, not that he really wanted to. “Not yet.
I’d rather have you than breakfast.”

“Oh
really?” John asked, rolling and hovering over Gretchen.

Gretchen’s
cheeks colored despite having made the teasing comment on purpose. John was
tempted to push a little further, but instead he just smiled. Maybe telling Gretchen
he loved her had brought her a step closer to really letting him in, but the
strange memories popping into John’s mind had moved him a step back. Well, not
really a step back, he was pretty much committed to Gretchen, but the memories
made him want to slow down. At least until he figured out what was going on
with his
mind.

Thankfully,
Gretchen didn’t seem to mind his hesitancy. She reached up and kissed John
lightly. “Actually, why don’t we go out to breakfast?”

“I don’t
mind making breakfast,” John said.

Shaking her
head, she smiled. “You don’t have to remind me how much you love to cook. I
live here too, remember? But everybody needs a break once in a while. Let’s go
out, relax, and let someone else do the cooking today.”

As much as
John loved being in the kitchen, going out actually sounded nice. The last two
weeks had been all food, going over menus, testing recipes, prepping foods, and
actually doing the cooking. A break would be good. Nodding his agreement, John
pulled back from Gretchen, giving her room to get up.

She stood
up and her leg bumped against the coffee table, knocking an envelope onto the
floor. Picking it back up, she was about to toss it back onto the table when
she stopped mid-throw. She pulled the envelope back and peeked inside, seeing
the cash it held. It was the money Eric and Melanie paid him for catering their
wedding.

Eric hadn’t
been thrilled with the idea of having to pay John in cash, but it proved
necessary. John still had no identity, which made it impossible to get a social
security card, driver’s license, ID, anything that would allow him to get a
back account. Without a bank account, or even an ID to prove he was the person
a check was addressed to, a check with John’s name on it would be completely
useless.

Of course,
they could have always written the check out to Gretchen, but for some reason
she didn’t want them to. John thought she wanted to make sure John knew the
money was his, that he had earned it. Maybe she knew how much he felt like he
was in her debt. Or maybe she wanted to make sure he felt he was really
becoming his own person. Either way, he appreciated the gesture. Even if it did
leave him with a bunch of cash lying on the coffee table.

“What do
you want to do with this?” Gretchen asked as she handed John the envelope.

“What do I
want to spend it on?” John just shrugged. He had been so consumed with getting
through the wedding he hadn’t even thought about it.

“That’s not
what I meant,” Gretchen said. “What do you want to do with the cash? Giving it
a permanent home on the coffee table probably isn’t a good idea. We need to put
it somewhere.”

John hadn’t
thought about that either. “Um, I don’t know. I hadn’t really considered it,”
he said. They were back to the problem of him not being able to have anything
in his name. John loved Gretchen for wanting to build his confidence, but when
it came down to practicality they needed a more substantial plan.

“Well,” he
said, “what do two people who live together and love each other usually do with
their money?”

For some
reason Gretchen blanched and looked down at the floor. “I don’t really know,”
she said. “The topic never came up between me and Steve.”

That
probably said something about how much Steve really cared for Gretchen when
they were dating, but John suppose she already knew that.

“What about
with your boyfriends before? Did you ever combine your money?” John asked.

“I didn’t
really have any other serious boyfriends before Steve,” Gretchen said.

John found
that really hard to believe. Gretchen picked up on his skepticism.

“Seriously,
John. Steve was my first serious boyfriend. I dated in high school. I had fun,
but it was never very real or long lasting. I scared all the guys away,” she
said.

“Why on
earth would anyone be scared of you?” he asked. Gretchen would practically have
to beat guys off with a stick to keep from having them ask her out constantly.
She was beautiful, not to mention kind and funny. “Wait,” he said, “does this
have something to do with your name? Gretchen…”

His voice trailed
off. It frustrated him that she had such a problem with her name, but who was
he to judge? He got to start over with a clean slate while she was still
working on overcoming some of the difficult parts of her past. It wasn't John’s
place to tell her how to react to her life.

“I know you
don’t understand this. I told you how miserable I was growing up with my name.
Millie dealt with it by reinventing herself and becoming more outgoing than she
usually was. I…I just pushed people away so I didn’t have to hear them mocking
me,” she said. “I know it’s petty that I cared so much, but I did. It wasn't
until I left the small town I’d grown up in and went to college and realized
nobody cared who I was or what my name was that I finally started putting myself
out there again.”

“When did
you meet Steve?” John asked.

“The
beginning of my junior year.”

“And in two
years you never once talked about money?” Was that normal? He didn’t know for
sure. Two years seemed like a long time. But maybe that was because John really
only had a few short months to gauge time by.

“We never
really talked out about anything besides what parties we were going to and how
his family’s business was doing, actually,” Gretchen said. “But Steve obviously
never loved me, so I don’t think my relationship with him is a very good one to
model. Besides, I don’t want to talk about Steve right now. I want to talk
about your money. What do you want to do with it?”

“Would it
be weird if I just gave it to you? Have you put it in your account?” he asked.
“I’m really not that worried about it.”

Pacing in
front of the couch, Gretchen thought. The way her slender hips bobbed back and
forth as she walked worked to hypnotize him. The thin band of bare skin between
the hem of her tank top and the top of her pants begged him to touch her. By
the time Gretchen finally spoke again, he had completely forgotten what they
were talking about.

“The
problem is that you won’t be able to get to your money if you put it in my account
because I can’t put you on my account without a name and all that,” she said.
She was thinking about this very seriously, her teacher’s mind trying to solve
the problem. Her determination made John smile.

He reached
out and grabbed her waist, pulling her into his lap. “Why are you so concerned
about this?” he asked. “We usually shop together or you give me cash
beforehand. Why can’t we keep doing that? I like shopping with you. I can’t buy
more than I can carry if I do go on my own since I can’t legally drive. Or if
you’re really worried, just leave your debit card with me, or get a second one.
Why does it matter so much?”

“Because, I
don’t want you to feel like you have to rely on me for everything. I want you
to know you could leave if you wanted to and you’ll be okay on your own,” she
said quietly.

So that was
it. Gretchen spoke about Steve rarely, but when she did she tried to do it in
an offhand manner. John thought it was so he wouldn’t understand how much he
had hurt her. John knew she loved him, but still she wanted him to know he had
a way out. What did she fear? That he would leave?

“Gretchen,
I don’t stay here because I need you,” he said. She opened her mouth to argue
but he kissed her lips and stole her words away. “Even with a broken arm and
leg I could have taken care of myself after those first couple weeks. It may
not have been easy, but I could have done it.

“I stay
here with you because I love you and want to be with you. I can’t tell you
about my past or our future, but I want you to know that I am here with you
because I want to be. There is no other reason for me to be with you except
that I want to spend my life with you.”

John wanted
to propose to her right there, in clothes he had slept in, without having
brushed his teeth or hair, and with no ring to give her, but he didn’t. What he
said had almost been a proposal. Wanting to spend his life with her was what
marriage was, but he held back. John needed Gretchen to be sure all he wanted
from her was her love before he asked her for anything more. John cradled her
in his arms and let her think.

As he did,
John’s thoughts drifted back to Gretchen’s original question, which he had at
first misinterpreted. He didn’t really worry about the answer to the question
she’d asked, only the one he thought she had been asking him. Despite holding
back his proposal, John now knew exactly what he wanted to spend his money on.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Backing Off

Monday
morning dawned the first real day of summer vacation for Gretchen. She’d had
the weekend off, of course, but she always had weekends off. Monday, though,
that was the beginning. She was glad to see it come.

Her first
year of teaching hadn’t been nearly as bad as she’d expected. There had been
some rowdy and delinquent students, some obnoxious parents, and an unexpected
social hierarchy of teachers to muddle her way through, but overall, it hadn’t
been that bad. Actually, Gretchen thought without everything that had happened
outside of school, she might have looked back and thought the school year had
been a breeze.

Gretchen
had hoped to spend her first day of summer of exploring the canyon with John,
but his call yesterday to his newest clients had pulled him away from her. With
only two weeks to prepare, the Bernstadts wanted to get started right away.
Gretchen missed John, but she was proud of him, too.

Wondering
about what he had said the day before, about not needing her, had kept Gretchen
up most of the night. She knew after his pain subsided he could go out, casts
and all, and find a low-stress job he could do well. The casts wouldn’t have
made it impossible for him to care for himself either. She hadn’t pressured
him, because she wanted him to stay. She wanted him to need her.

If John
needed her she could delude herself into believing he was only in her home so
she could help him, not because she was falling in love with him. Now they had
both admitted their love, but Gretchen still found it hard to let go of that
desire to see him as helpless. She was afraid he would go out in the world and
see there were other options. Steve had cast her aside so easily, leaving
Gretchen to believe she wasn't worth his time.

That didn’t
have to mean every man would look at her the same way. When she looked into
John’s eyes, she saw a love in him Steve had never shown. It was hard to
believe, not that he didn’t mean it, but that she deserved it. There seemed to
be no way for Gretchen to see herself as John did, so she would just have to
trust him and believe she was worth more to him than she had ever been to
Steve.

So Gretchen
was left sitting at the kitchen table, finishing the omelet John had made for
her, trying to trust in him and decide what to do for the next hour until he
got back.

Being
summer break, Gretchen was itching to get outside. It was weeks ago that her
mom had pulled her out to the front yard to talk about the two men in her life,
using the flowers as an excuse. Gretchen couldn’t remember what her mom had
called the flowers, but she did remember looking at them and thinking that they
did, in fact, look a little sad.

Gretchen
had done absolutely nothing to put her own personal stamp on the yard as she
had in the house. Like John had as well. Gretchen smiled as she noticed how
many things had changed. The kitchen, of course, was his domain now, but also
the way the mail got stacked on the edge of the counter, under the key hooks,
instead of on the table where Gretchen had always tossed it before. She had
never before worried about taking her shoes off in the house, but John
automatically slipped his off by the door and she found herself doing the same
thing.

Yes, the
inside of the house looked very different from the day she’d moved in, but the
outside was as bland as ever. Dropping her dishes in the sink, Gretchen had the
burning desire to change that. She wanted this to be their home, inside and
out. She didn’t own a single tool related to gardening, but she could at least
start making plans. Maybe she and John could go to the hardware store when he
got back.

Heading out
into the already warm morning, Gretchen took stock of their unimaginative front
yard. For the most part, it was grass. It ran from the edge of the sidewalk to
the sad little flower beds up against the house. There were no bushes or trees
or interesting designs. Just grass and wilted flowers. Anything they did to the
yard would be an improvement.

“Is there a
reason you’re standing here glaring at your flowers?”

Gretchen
spun around and smiled. “Hey, Carl, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be
at work today?”

He looked
over at the flowers, seeming nervous, which was odd coming from him. Gretchen
hadn’t really talked to him since the party. He seemed to be avoiding her. The
most she had seen of him was the day her parents left and he waved at her from
his yard. Maybe that should have been fine with Gretchen now that John was in
her life, but it wasn’t.

“Yeah, I
should be, but I left some tools at the house and had to come back to get
them.” Glancing at his work truck, he sighed. “I should probably get back.”

He turned,
but Gretchen put her hand on his arm, stopping him immediately. “Wait, Carl,
could we talk for a minute? If you’re not in too big of a hurry, that is. I
don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Looking up
at her, Gretchen saw his usual daring smile start to creep onto his lips, but
it seemed muted now. “No, we can talk.”

Good. But
what did she say? Gretchen wanted John. She loved him. She didn’t want to give
up Carl, though. He was the only thing that kept her from falling apart when
she moved out there, still hurt and angry because of Steve and completely
overwhelmed with her new job. She couldn’t push him out of her life because she
was dating someone. He didn’t deserve that.

So Gretchen
said what she felt, and hoped it was the right thing.

“I’ve
missed you over the last couple weeks.”

Carl’s
smile brightened a little before sobering. “I wouldn’t think you’d even have
time to miss me, what with everything you’ve got going on right now. Not with
John around.”

“I’m sorry,
Carl. I haven’t been a very good friend lately,” she said. “I’ve let myself get
too caught up in the craziness. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“You
didn’t,” Carl said quickly. “I understand. You’ve been busy with John.” He
sighed and faced Gretchen, hands slipping into his pockets. She knew that
gesture. He wanted to be serious now. This was the reason he’d come over to
talk to her. “Look, Gretchen, I get that you and John are dating now. I still
don’t think you’re making the right decision here, but at the party…
it’s
obvious John really cares about you. I’m not going to
bug you about it anymore. I think John will end up hurting you, but if you want
to risk that, it really isn’t any of my business. I’ll back off.”

Hands
coming out of his pockets, they crossed in front of his chest instead. Carl was
done talking. He’d said what he needed to say. Now it was Gretchen’s turn.

“Is that
why you haven’t been talking to me the last couple weeks?” Gretchen’s indignant
tone took Carl by surprise. “You’re backing off? Does that mean just because
you don’t agree with what I’m doing you won’t be my friend anymore?”

Carl’s
mouth popped open a little. He seemed too caught off guard to respond. After
shaking his head, he gathered his thoughts and said, “Gretchen, that’s not
fair.”

“It’s not
fair to me, Carl. You’re my friend, my best friend,” she said. “What makes you
think that just because I’m dating someone I don’t want you around anymore?
Can’t I have a boyfriend and a friend?”

“I don’t
think you understand what you’re asking of me, Gretchen. It’s not that easy,”
Carl said.

Gretchen
felt her chin quiver and had to clench her jaw to keep it still. When she was
sure it had stopped, she said, “Please don’t just abandon me, Carl. I need
you.”

Carl’s face
fell. Grabbing her shoulders, he pulled her against his chest and wrapped his
arms around her. “I don’t know if I can do this, Gretchen. I don’t know if I
can only be your friend. I have never wanted to be your buddy. I’ve always
wanted more.” His hand stroked her hair lovingly. “It’s hard to see you with
him, knowing how much he loves you, and still be around you. I knew when I
first met you that you’d been through something rough, so I was patient. I was
happy being your friend because I honestly thought you’d eventually come around
and let me take you out. It’s different now.”

But didn’t
he think John would break her heart? Gretchen almost asked him, but she held
her tongue. He was right. She shouldn’t ask him to still be her friend, not
when she knew he harbored hopes of there being more between them. Gretchen
loved John very much, but part of her still believed he would one day leave
her. She didn’t want to lose Carl as a friend for the same reason she couldn’t
date him, he meant too much to her. As a friend, or more than a friend,
Gretchen wanted Carl in her life. Was that wrong? Maybe she
was
asking
too much of him. But still, she couldn’t stop herself from asking.

“Can you
try?”

“Gretchen…”
Carl whispered as he held her. There was frustration in his voice, but there
was longing too. He said it was too hard for him to be her friend, but Gretchen
had a feeling that, just like her, it was even harder not to be. “Of course I
can try,” he said.

They stood
there, on the boring grass in Gretchen’s front yard for a few seconds longer
before Carl admitted he did need to get back to work and Gretchen forced her
attention back to the problem of what to do with the yard. Carl walked to his
truck, stepping a little lighter than he had before, and Gretchen felt herself
smile. Maybe she was one the most selfish people in the world, but she was glad
she hadn’t lost him.