Memory's Edge: Part One (23 page)

Chapter Forty-Four

Timing

Desi’s car
pulled up to the curb and Gretchen dashed out the front door to meet her. Desi was
halfway out of her car when Gretchen plopped down in the passenger’s seat.
Staring at her friend, Desi sat back down.

“You know,
I would have rang the doorbell if you’d given me a chance,” Desi said.

“Just go,
Des. I want to be out of the house before John gets back,” she said. Folding
her arms across her chest, Gretchen sunk down into the seat. She had little
doubt Carl was watching her. She didn’t know what to think about that.

“
Okaaay
,” Desi said as she pulled away from the house.

It wasn’t
until they were out of Gretchen’s neighborhood and heading toward the
restaurant that she finally relaxed. Still, Desi had sense enough to leave
Gretchen be until they were seated at their table. Setting her planner to the
side, Desi waited. Gretchen had no doubt Desi was dying to start their planning
session. Desi loved weddings, but being a good friend was always more important
to her than anything else. She took a sip of her water and waited.

“I kissed
Carl,” Gretchen blurted out then punctuated it by dropping her head onto the
table with a thud.

Desi choked
on her water then set it down carefully. “You kissed Carl? Why would you do
that?”

Lifting her
head, Gretchen said, “Well, actually, I didn’t kiss Carl, he kissed me, but I
let him.”

“Gretchen,”
Desi said shaking her head, “start over. How did this happen?”

“I went
over to tell Carl about the engagement,” she started.

“Alone? You
should have gone with John.” Desi shook her head.

“I know. I
see that
now
,” Gretchen said. Why hadn’t she listened to John? “Anyway,
he wasn't very happy.”

“Apparently,”
Desi said.

“He looked
so sad. Then,” Gretchen paused, trying not to cry again, “then he told me he
was in love with me and begged me to tell him that I never loved him.”

Desi blew
out a breath. “And what did you tell him?”

Shaking her
head, Gretchen mumbled, “Nothing. I couldn’t tell him I never loved him,
because I think I did. I think I still do.”

“Oh,
Gretchen, of course that poor man is in love with you. I think you were the
only one who didn’t see that.” Desi sighed and took Gretchen’s hand. “But do
you really think you love him, too? More than John?”

“I don’t
know Desi. When he told me he loved me and kissed me, it was like I finally
opened my eyes. I finally understood why I still needed him in my life even
with John there, and why when he offered to back off I wouldn’t let him,”
Gretchen said. She shook her head. She was so confused. “Did I ever tell you
that…that Carl offered to leave me alone and I told him no?”

Desi shook
her head. There was sad understanding in her eyes. Did she already see this,
even when Gretchen couldn’t? Did John?

“I love
him, but I love John too,” she said. “Not more or less, not even in different
ways. I don’t know. It’s just different timing, I guess. I just wasn't ready to
love anyone when I first met Carl. John gave that back to me.”

“What are
you going to do?” Desi asked as she waved away a smiling waiter.

“About
Carl?” Gretchen asked. She wished she knew. Taking away his pain was something
she wanted to do very badly, but didn’t think there was any way to actually do
it. “I don’t think there’s anything I can do. I’m marrying John. I hate that I
hurt Carl, but there’s no way to fix it now.”

“I think
Carl will understand that,” Desi said, “eventually.”

Was that
good enough? Gretchen didn’t want him to just understand why she’d hurt him.
She wanted him to forgive her. Maybe that was too much to ask.

“He didn’t
ask me to choose him over John,” Gretchen said. “The only thing he asked me was
why I didn’t give him the same chance I gave John. John was a huge risk. I
didn’t know anything about him, but I was still willing to put everything on
the line for him. I knew Carl. He was kind and sweet, and would do anything for
me. I should have given him a chance.”

“But you
didn’t,” Desi said. “And if you had, you never would have taken John in and you
wouldn’t be getting married in two month and a half months.”

Married.
Gretchen was getting married.

Her whole
goal in not dating Carl had been to avoid hurting him. She hurt him anyway. In
the end, all Gretchen could do was look back and decide whether it was worth
it, and she knew it was. As sweet and kind as Carl was, John was the one who
had been able to show her that loving was worth the risk of the pain it could
cause. She’d needed John to show her how to open herself up again.

She wanted
to marry John. Even knowing how much she had hurt Carl didn’t change that. Part
of Gretchen loved Carl, and probably always would, but she had given the rest
of her heart to John. She had no intention of taking it back.

“Desi,
would you please not mention this to John? And not even Jake. I just want to
put this behind me and hope Carl will forgive me one day,” she said.

“Of course,
Gretchen. You don’t even have to ask,” Desi said.

The waiter
approached the girls’ table again, his smile hesitant after being sent away by
Desi the first time. Desi’s brilliant smile made up for Gretchen’s moping
demeanor and gave him the courage to nod and step a little quicker. Politely
taking their order, he then hurried back to the kitchen with their requests. As
soon as he was gone, Desi pulled out her planner and faced Gretchen.

“Let’s
forget about Carl for now and start planning your wedding.”

Clearing
her mind, Gretchen refilled it with her wedding dreams. There was so much to go
over, her dress, flowers, food, location, honeymoon, and a million other things
Gretchen wasn't even considering probably. Luckily, Desi was there to help. She
had helped Mel with her wedding, so Gretchen knew she was in good hands.

“Okay,”
Desi said, “so I think the first thing we need to figure out is how to get John
a real identity so you two can legally get married.”

“What?”

“Well,
somehow I doubt the country clerk will give a marriage license to a ‘John Doe’.
I’m pretty sure they’re going to want some documentation of who he is. We just
have to figure out how to do that.” Desi flipped to another page in her planner
and turned it so Gretchen could see. “I called my dad and asked him about it since
he deals with immigration law at his law office and he said he’d look into it
and call me back when he has a plan.”

Gretchen’s
excitement about the engagement and dealing with Carl had completely forced out
of her mind the problem she and John had been dealing with since day one. They
didn’t know who he really was. He had no legal standing. Sighing, Gretchen
tossed this newest problem on the heap of everything else she was struggling to
work through at the moment.

“Thanks,
Desi,” she said. “I hadn’t even thought about any of that yet.”

Smiling
brightly, Desi flipped her planner closed. “Yeah, I didn’t think you had. But
that’s what I’m here for. We’ll figure this out, Gretchen.”

Gretchen
nodded her thanks as the waiter returned with their drinks. With the help of
Desi’s father, she was sure they would get John’s lack of identity straightened
out, but would it be in time for the date they had set? Pushing the wedding
back would be disappointing. There other option was holding the ceremony
without it being legal, which she wasn’t opposed to doing. As Gretchen took a
drink of her soda, another thought came to her. What if this new push to get
John an identity found, not a new one, but his original one?  

Chapter Forty-Five

Biggest Fear

“Gretchen
we only have six weeks left before the wedding and we still have a ton of stuff
to plan,” Desi complained.

Gretchen
sat on the floor next to her looking through swatches of fabric for the bride’s
maids’ dresses. She had a stack of dress designs sitting beside the swatches
that she hadn’t looked through yet, as well as choices for flowers, napkins,
decorations, and a hundred other things. It seemed like every spare minute
they’d had since getting engaged, which wasn't a lot of time, was spent
planning the wedding. Well, Gretchen and Desi planned, Jake and John were left
to run errands and generally leave them alone.

John was in
charge of food for the reception, and it only took him about two days to lay
out the menus. Until the wedding, he was pretty much done except for the
occasional request for his opinion on something. John was fine with that, not
because he didn’t want to participate in the wedding plans, but because he was
afraid to.

“What do you
think, John?” Gretchen asked. She held up the swatches and he had to force
himself not to groan as he turned to look at them.

The array
of five colors immediately sent his vision into a spiral of cloudiness,
clearing only to reveal what looked like a large dressing room. The memory
woman stood in front of him with another woman. The other woman stood in front
of a set of mirrors in a willowy, strapless gown of lavender that had layer
upon layer of sheer ruffles cascading down her body in a shapeless silhouette.
The memory snapped closed.

Pursing his
lips as if in serious consideration, John stared at the colors. Pale pink,
ochre yellow, soft turquoise, royal blue, and lavender.

“Not the
purple,” John said. “I don’t like that one at all.”

Gretchen
frowned as she dropped the lavender and considered the other four.

Desi
sighed. “Great, that still leaves four to choose from. We’re never going to get
anywhere at this rate. Gretchen, we have to order the dresses by Monday if we
want to get them back in time.”

“I want the
yellow fabric,” Gretchen finally said. Then, moving on, she picked up the
pattern choices and looked at each one carefully even though she had already
spent hours staring at each design.

“Did you
get those papers from my dad signed that I gave you?” Desi asked John suddenly.

“Yeah, I
did. They’re on the kitchen table. I’ll go grab them for you before I forget,”
John said. Signing documents was his other job in the whole scheme of planning
the wedding. Desi’s father was patiently working toward turning John into a
real person. He wasn’t sure everything would be worked out in time for the
wedding, or that his ploy to use immigration laws to make John a real person
was even going to work, but it was a step in the right direction.

Getting up from
the couch, John paused and peeked over Gretchen’s shoulder at the dress
patterns. Choosing the one that looked least like the woman wearing the
lavender dress in the memory, he pointed at one. It’s fitted bodice, ruffled
sleeves, and simple tea-length skirt was as opposite as you could get from the
dress he had just seen. Plus, he knew it was Gretchen’s favorite, even if she
couldn’t bring herself to decide on it. “I like that one,” he said.

Looking up
at John, she smiled and kissed him. “Thanks.”

“Yes, thank
you,” Desi said. “You’re the only one who seems to be able to make their mind
up around here.” She smiled through her frustration, though. Desi was having
fun.

Leaving
them behind, John crossed the room to the kitchen. The documents were sitting
on the table. He picked them up and stared at the words. “John Palmer”. That
was how he’d signed them. Palmer was the last name John had chosen for his new
identity.

He had
considered at first simply taking Gretchen’s last name. Then she wouldn’t have
to deal with changing her name after the wedding, when and if it became legal,
but Gretchen thought John should choose a name of his own. She insisted he
choose a name that meant something to him, but part of John laughed as he
wondered if she only wanted him to choose something else so he wouldn’t be
tempted to call her Gigi anymore. John almost chose a name that started with a
“G” just for that reason.

Once he
started looking into different last names and what they meant, he found himself
oddly excited by the assignment. He avoided any of the names that ended with
“son” or “
sen
” since those usually meant “son of…”
because John didn’t want his new name to be a lie. Instead, he looked for names
that described his life now. That search led him to Palmer.

It meant “a
man on a pilgrimage”. When John saw that meaning, he felt a connection to the
simple name. A pilgrimage to Holy Land was specifically what the name meant,
but there were many kinds of pilgrimages, and John felt as though he had been
on one since waking up. His wasn't a search for religion, but for his place in
the world. Discovering his passion for cooking and his love for Gretchen helped
show John who he was, but he still felt there was more to learn.

He only
hoped the incessant memories weren’t part of that knowledge.

“This is
going to be ten times worse when it’s mine and Desi’s turn, isn’t it?” Jake
said as he slipped into the kitchen.

John’s
eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Yours and Desi’s turn?” he asked. “Are you
actually thinking about proposing?”

Cheeks
coloring, Jake glanced back toward the living room. “I love her, man.”

“Jake the
Maniac has been captured by the siren Desiree Campbell,” John said with a
chuckle. “If anyone could get you to settle down, it would be Desi. She’s
nearly as crazy as you are.”

Squaring
his shoulders in a show of machismo, Jake said, “Who said anything about
settling down? I don’t think anyone or anything could tame Desi’s love of
adventure. I wouldn’t want to either.”

“You two
are quite the pair,” John said. “When will you do it?”

He
shrugged, but he already looked excited about the prospect. “Not until after
you guys get married for sure. She’s too wrapped up in helping Gretchen plan to
even notice me half the time. I want her to be able to just focus on us when I
ask her.”

Nodding,
John was genuinely pleased to know Jake and Desi were going to get married. The
first time he’d met Jake, the guy had seemed a little immature and wild, but as
John got to know him he realized how untrue that was. Yes, he was adventurous
and daring, but John thought that just came from his enthusiasm for life, not
recklessness. He loved Desi and would do anything to protect her. They would be
really happy together.

“Well, tell
me before you pick out a ring,” John said. “I know which one she wants. She
showed me when she helped me pick out Gretchen’s.”

Laughing at
his girlfriend’s foresight, he shook his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
he said. “Desi seems to know what I’m thinking and feeling before I do.”

“She’s a
very intuitive woman,” John said. Desi’s voice grew louder as she towed
Gretchen behind her toward the kitchen. “And speaking of…”

Jake
snapped around, probably hoping Desi hadn’t overheard them talking. Judging by the
look of irritation on her face and the way Gretchen was rolling her eyes at
her, neither of the women had been paying any attention to them.

“John,”
Desi said, “we need you to choose.” She held up several sample cards of flower
arrangements. “I think you two should go with either the white roses or the
orchids. But Gretchen wants the peonies or the pink tiger lilies.”

At first
glance, John liked the delicate look of the orchids and tiger lilies. Stepping
closer to the cards, he was about to voice his opinion when they disappeared.
John found himself standing in a ballroom burgeoning with flowers. He might
have thought he was in a garden if not for the pristine hardwood floors beneath
his feet.

He couldn’t
see the memory girl, but he could feel her hand on his arm. They stood staring
at the empty hall, inspecting it. John’s lungs stopped working. He could feel
his throat constricting at the sight. He knew what he was looking at, but
refused to let his mind make the connection. Struggling to breathe, John
scanned the flower arrangements on the tables. The huge peony blossoms formed
the majority of a conical centerpiece on the table next to him, interspersed
with pale, purple orchids, daisies, and baby’s breath. Calla lilies and tall
springs of lavender dotted another table.

Her hand
was still on his arm, but as he tried to study the flowers, the pressure
changed. She shifted. She was turning toward him. Panic grabbed John and his
head swam. He
did not
want to see her. Not this time. He closed his
eyes, but not quickly enough to see the bunch of white roses in her hand. John
had to squeeze his eyes shut and bite the inside of his cheek. Hard. A trickle
of blood slid down the inside of his mouth, but the memory cleared.

Snapping
his eyes open and shaking his head as if he had just been thinking very deeply,
instead of holding off a panic attack, John pointed to the star-shaped, pink
tiger lilies. “I like these ones the best. They’re not as traditional looking
as the other ones. They’re unique, like you,” John said as he kissed Gretchen
and hoped the compliment would distract her from his odd behavior.

She smiled,
but the questioning tilt of her head said it hadn’t worked. Desi, however did
what John could not.

“You two
are impossible,” she said. “I come here to help and you ignore me every time I
make a suggestion.”

Trying to
slip out of the kitchen, John paused behind Desi and put a hand on her
shoulder. “Now, you don’t really expect me to side with you over Gretchen, do
you?”

She smiled
back at him and laughed. “Okay, fine. Have the tiger lilies if you really want
to for the bouquet, but there’s no way I’m agreeing to them for the
centerpieces.”

And
Gretchen was successfully distracted. The two women were arguing again, and
John snuck out to the backyard to think.

The
memories were coming so often he feared even thinking about the wedding at
times. Every time the wedding plans were brought up, John felt the panic creep
in. His mind was trying to tell him something important, but John was trying
just as hard not to listen to it. His biggest fear was that this wasn't a fight
he could win.