Memory's Edge: Part One (22 page)

Chapter Forty-Two

Wait

John hated
eating fast food. It wasn't so much a health thing as much as a taste thing. No
matter how good the fast food, he always felt he could have done it better. It
was the curse of being a chef, he supposed. Normally, John would have wanted to
cook something for Gretchen, but they were both so exhausted and hungry after
making it back down the mountain that he gave in and let Gretchen convince him
to get takeout.

They
decided to go with Chinese food. John hadn’t explored Asian cuisine much, so
maybe he wouldn’t be too disappointed. It wasn’t much of an engagement dinner,
but they were too tired to care at that point. Tired physically from the hike,
and emotionally exhausted from the anticipation and then the excitement from
Gretchen’s parents when they called to tell them, they both crashed on the
couch with their steaming dinner as soon as they got home. As John ate his
sesame chicken and egg rolls, he was actually surprised by how much he liked
it.

Dropping
his empty takeout container on the coffee table, he leaned back into the couch
and slipped his arm around Gretchen’s shoulders. She had already finished
eating and immediately snuggled up against him. Taking her left hand in his,
John watched her ring sparkle in the flickering lights of the TV.

Gretchen
noticed John staring at her hand and looked up at him. “Does it feel weird to
you, being engaged?” she asked.

“No,” he
said, “it feels right.”

She leaned
her head up to kiss him, but the doorbell rang before she could reach him. And
then it rang again. And again.

“That’s got
to be Desi,” John said. “I told her I was going to propose to you today.”

Shaking her
head, Gretchen kissed John before moving to answer the door.

“You better
hurry up,” he said. “It sounds like she’s about to explode with excitement.”

Gretchen
bounded over to the door and John got up as well. He made it halfway across the
room before he heard Desi squeal with glee. He rounded the corner to see her
hugging Gretchen nearly to death. Jake stood to the side with a grin as he
watched the girls pour out their excitement.

Reaching
out, Jake clapped John on the back with a nod. “Congratulations, man.”

“Thanks,
Jake.” Then John leaned a little closer to him, and said, “You realize, of
course, that Desi is going to expect her own ring now.”

All the
color drained from Jake’s face. John laughed and patted him on the back.

“Just
kidding, man.” He smiled, but he still looked a little pale. John really wasn't
kidding, anyway.

Jake might
have almost passed out at the mention of marriage, but he beamed when Desi
finally let go of Gretchen and wrapped her arms around him. He was absolutely
besotted with her. John had a feeling he would be ring shopping a lot sooner
than he expected. Hopefully he would come to John for advice when he did. Desi
already had her ring picked out and made John promise to guide Jake to the
right one when he finally decided to man up and propose to her.

Caught up
in Desi’s excitement, Jake was grinning like an idiot as he checked out
Gretchen’s ring. Yeah, he wouldn’t last nearly as long as he thought he would.

“I’m so excited
for you guys,” Desi said. “Did you guys think about a date yet?”

“The first
weekend of April,” Gretchen said.

Immediately
pulling out her cell phone, Desi brought up her calendar. “What day of the
week? Saturday?” Gretchen nodded. “So, the third.” She typed something into her
phone and closed it with a flourish.

April
third. That was the day they were going to get married. John could feel himself
smiling. He probably looked as stupid as Jake did, but he didn’t care. He just
had to keep the memories hidden until April third.

“You have
no idea how hard it was not telling you about the ring, Gretchen,” Desi said
dramatically. “I seriously had to avoid your calls because I wanted to tell you
so bad.”

“I was
wondering why it was suddenly so hard to get a hold of you,” Gretchen said as
she laughed. “I was beginning to think you’d given up on me because I’ve been
so busy lately.”

Shaking her
head, Desi pulled her best friend into another hug. She released her, but still
held onto Gretchen’s shoulders, looking terribly serious. “We have a lot of
work to do if you want to get married in two and a half months. Are you going
to call the hall Mel and Eric used? Because that’s really the best one in town.
John, we’ll have to start getting your menu planned out and make sure your
assistants can handle everything without you.”

She blew
out a breath and smiled excitedly at her friends. “You guys don’t want to talk
about this now. Gretchen, call me tomorrow and we’ll get together and start
planning. You two enjoy the rest of your night,” she said as she grabbed Jake
and started bustling him to the door.

A few
seconds later, the whirlwind that was Desi disappeared, and John and Gretchen
were left standing in the entryway staring at the door.

“And you
thought your mom was going to be bad,” John said.

Tiptoeing
over to him with a smile to match Desi’s, Gretchen slipped her arms around his
waist and kissed him. “We’re getting married,” she whispered excitedly.

“Yes, we
are,” John whispered back.

She kissed
him again, deeper this time, more passionately. Stealing all the tiredness out
of him, Gretchen ran her hands up his chest slowly. Her fingers pressed against
his sweater as she lifted onto her toes and kissed his neck. John’s whole body
felt numb except for the places where she touched him. Wherever their bodies
met, fire coursed through his skin.

Tightening
his arms around her, John pressed her against him, wanting the heat of her body
to consume him. Backed up against the wall, he couldn’t go anywhere, and could
barely even think to move, but as Gretchen's hands gently pushed to turn him,
he followed her direction willingly. He knew they were walking, but all John
could see were Gretchen’s fiery eyes, and all he could hear was her breath
pulsing in and out.

Running his
hands up and down her body as he kissed her, John barely even noticed when she
pulled him onto the bed with her. Her fingers slipped under his sweater,
sending an electric charge up his spine. Then her hands ran up his chest again,
pulling John’s sweater off as she went. For a brief moment, John wasn't
touching her as he tossed the sweater aside, but then he was back kissing her
skin, feeling her breath against his neck as he tried to kiss her shoulder. Her
own shirt was getting in the way.

Sitting
back, John stared at the bare skin of her stomach that had been exposed.
Hesitantly, he touched her. Gretchen’s back arched with pleasure and he moved
his hands up, determined to see the sweatshirt dropped on the floor.

John wanted
to reach down and press his lips against her smooth skin, but a ripple in his
vision froze him. He tried to blink it away, but it was too late. Gretchen’s
green sweatshirt was gone, replace by pink lace.
No
, John begged.
Go
away. Please go away.

The memory
had no ears. John’s mind followed the trail of pink lace up to the dark haired
beauty that lived in his mind. Pleasure, desire, love, they were all etched on
her face as she reached up and touched his cheek. She smiled and melted away,
leaving him staring at a confused Gretchen.

“John,” she
said, “what’s wrong?”

He couldn’t
tell her. There was no way he could tell her. Falling to the side, John laid
down next to her. Gretchen immediately rolled onto her side and stared at him.
“John, what happened?”

“I…don’t
think I can do this right now,” he said. It killed him to say it, but there was
no way he could keep going. Not with that woman in his head. Not before it was
too late to go back.

Gretchen’s
eyes filled with tears, and she asked, “Why?”

Her obvious
hurt feelings stabbed John in the gut. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her
against his chest. She thought it was her fault. John’s heart begged him to
give her some explanation. He couldn’t hurt her. He couldn’t leave her feeling
like Steve always had, not
good
enough.

“Gretchen,
please don’t cry. This has nothing to do with you,” John said. “I want you…very
badly right now.”

“Then why?”
she asked as she tried to hold back tears.

He had to
give her something, but he couldn’t lie to her. So he gave her a version of the
truth, one he hoped she would understand.

“I’m
afraid, Gretchen. What you said about waiting until the year was up to get
married, it scared me. I don’t want to risk hurting you. It might not make
sense, but I think we should wait until after the wedding,” he said. By then,
even if this memory woman for some reason decided to look for him, it would be
too late to even think about going back to her.

“Do you
really think you’ll get your memory back before the wedding, John? When you
haven’t even had a single memory return so far?” she asked. She had stopped
crying, but she didn’t understand what he was saying very well.

“I might
get my memory back, or what if someone from my old life finally finds me?” He sighed.
It didn’t sound like a very good argument without telling her about the
memories. “I know neither one is very likely, but it bothers me that it’s still
possible.”

“But, I
don’t understand what that has to do with this,” Gretchen asked. “I mean, you’ve
been very patient with me, so I won’t argue with you about it, but I want to
understand.”

“I would
never leave you if I had the choice, Gretchen, but if for some reason I had to,
I think it would hurt me too badly to leave you after this. I think it would
hurt you, too. That’s a risk I’m not willing to take,” John said. “I refuse to
be another Steve to you.”

“You could
never be another Steve to me,” Gretchen said. “Even if you had to leave, every
memory I have of you is one I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.”

“Even when
I got mad at you about Carl?” he asked with a smile.

“Even that
one. Because I know you were only upset because of how much you loved me.” She
kissed him then and touched his cheek with her soft fingers. “I’m not sure I
understand what you’re feeling completely, but that’s okay. I don’t think you
would ever leave me, for anything, but I can understand why it scares you. If
you want to wait, we’ll wait.”

Falling
onto his back, John slid his arm under her head and brought Gretchen up against
his side, feeling incredibly relieved and frustrated at the same time. “Thank
you, Gretchen. I love you.”

“I love
you, too,” she said. Then she grinned and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
“And the fact that I love you so much is just about the only that’s going to
keep me off of you before the wedding.”

John rolled
over and pinned her to the bed. “As soon as things get too serious, I’ll just
start calling you Gigi, okay? That should kill the mood pretty quickly.”

“I don’t
know,” Gretchen teased, “you did a pretty good job convincing me Gigi wasn’t so
bad. That might just make things worse.”

“Okay, then
I’ll call you Gretch.”

“That would
definitely
kill the mood. You’ll never convince me not to hate that
one,” she said.

Leaning
down, John kissed her lips lightly. “Thank you,” he whispered.

She smiled
and pulled him down to lay beside her.

In his
heart, John believed he would never leave Gretchen, not for anything, but every
memory of the dark haired woman he recovered were so filled with love and
passion, he was terrified that if she did show up he would remember her in an
instant and not be able to stay away from her. If he loved this other woman as
much as he did Gretchen, and all those memories came flooding back at the sight
of her, what would he do?

It sounded
stupid, even to him. John understood this woman had already had ten months to
find him if she really loved him, but what if there really was some reason she
couldn’t? What if she was looking for him at that moment? Could he really brush
her away? In those memories, in those few brief moments John was captured in a
memory of her, he would rather die than give her up. She was lost in his
memories, but not in his heart.

Somewhere
in the back of John’s mind, he feared he would have to make the choice. The
more often the memories came, the harder it was to say what he would do. He
wanted nothing more than to shove it away and lose himself in Gretchen’s
luscious body, but what if in the end he was forced to leave her?

It wasn’t
just the sex. As many methods as there were to avoid pregnancy, none were
foolproof. At some point in the future, John wanted to have a child with
Gretchen. What he didn’t want was to have it happen before they were ready,
before he could be absolutely sure nothing could pull him away from Gretchen.
The memory that had tried to surface after he proposed had rattled him. If he
had proposed to the memory woman, did that mean they’d gotten married? Anything
could have happened afterward, divorce, death…a loving marriage that would
still be legal should she find him.

John
doubted the woman would show up before the wedding. When the memories first
started, he’d hated her for loving him and never finding him, but as they grew
more frequent and he felt her devotion to him in the memories, it became harder
to believe she had never tried. For some reason, she didn’t know where John
was, but that didn’t mean she would never find him. The chance was remote. But
it was there, and it wouldn’t leave John free to do as he wanted.

Chapter Forty-Three

Soon Enough

“Do you
really have to meet with the Frederickson’s today?” Gretchen asked. “It’s
Sunday and we just got engaged.”

“I’m sorry,
Gretchen. I was supposed to meet with them Friday afternoon, but the prep for the
birthday party took longer than I expected and the Frederickson’s company
dinner is this Friday. I have to get their menu set today or I’ll never be
ready in time,” John said. “I promise to make it up to you tonight. I have some
veal cutlets in the fridge I’m going to make for you.”

He gathered
up his notebooks and planner as he tried to get his coat on with only one hand.
Halfway into his coat, he leaned down and kissed Gretchen’s forehead. “Besides,
aren’t you and Desi going to get together and start planning today?”

Gretchen
tried to maintain her pout, but she was itching to get started on the wedding
plans. “She called when you were in the shower. She’s going to pick me up for
lunch.”

“Well, I’ll
probably be back by the time you two finish, and then we can do something
together, okay?” John asked. “You can just relax this morning. You deserve it
with all the extra work you’ve been doing lately.”

There was
something else Gretchen needed to do this morning, but she was dreading it.

“Actually,
I was thinking about visiting Carl this morning,” she said.

John
frowned at the mention of Carl. They were getting along better, but John still
preferred to not have him around. “Why do you need to visit Carl?” he asked.

“I need to
tell him about this,” she said, holding up her newly decorated ring finger.

The head
shaking started before she even got halfway through her sentence. “No,
Gretchen. We can tell him together. I don’t want you going over there by
yourself.”

Gretchen
scoffed at that. “You think he would do something to hurt me? John, you know
Carl better than that. I know you don’t like him that much, but he’s a good
guy.”

“I don’t
think he’ll hurt you,” John said. “I just don’t think he’ll take it very well.
I’d rather tell him together.”

“And when
are we going to do that? We’ve both been so busy lately. If I don’t talk to him
today he’ll hear about it from someone else,” she said.

“And what’s
so bad about that?” John asked with a smile. He’d probably prefer avoiding the
encounter all together.

Gretchen’s
smirk back said what she thought about that idea. “He’s my friend, John. I
don’t want him to hear from someone else and think I was trying to hide it from
him.
That
is what he won’t take well.”

“You
getting
married
is what he won’t take well, whether he hears it from you
or someone else.” Grabbing a bagel to eat on his way, John pointed the bread at
her to accentuate his point.

“When was
the last time Carl bugged me about you?” she asked. John didn’t answer. He knew
Carl hadn’t tried to interfere since summer. “He’ll be fine. I’m going to tell
him.”

John’s
frown remained, but it was waning. “Fine, but it he freaks out, just leave and
call me. I’ll talk to him later if I have to.”

Rolling he
eyes, she gave him a shove toward the door. “Would you just get out of here
before the Frederickson’s think you’ve cancelled on them again? Everything will
be fine,” she said.

He
hesitated, but he was already running late. Finally, he gave her a quick kiss
and darted out the door. Gretchen heard the car drive off and found herself
still sitting at the table. Despite her assurances to John, she was nervous
about telling Carl. She had no fear he would flip out or hurt her, but he would
definitely be upset. Gretchen had to tell him.

Taking the
time to clear the table of her cereal bowl and load the dishwasher, she quickly
found herself out of things to clean. She straightened up the living room to
waste a few more minutes, and then before she could change her mind, she
grabbed her coat and hurried across the front yard to Carl’s house.

Gretchen’s
knock sounded as nervous as she did. Carl yelled something at the TV before she
heard him get up and head to the door. He pulled the door open and smiled.

“So who’s
losing this time?” Gretchen asked.

“Oh, it
doesn’t matter,” he said as he pressed her into a hug. He didn’t have to sneak
those anymore. Ever since that day in the front yard when Gretchen asked him
not to abandon her, she didn’t feel she had the authority to tell him no. His
embrace lasted a touch too long as usual, but he pulled back and ushered
Gretchen into his house.

“So, how
have you been?” he asked. “I keep seeing you and John rushing in and out, but I
haven’t gotten to talk to either of you in a while.”

Gretchen
knew he felt the same way as John did. He would rather avoid John if at all
possible, but she appreciated the effort to include John as a friend. “I’m
doing fine. How about you?”

Carl
shrugged. “Same as always, I guess.”

“Good,”
Gretchen said. How exactly was she supposed to tell him? Just blurt it out? Any
method she thought of seemed like the worst possible one. Why hadn’t she
listened to John?

“So, did
you just feel lonely without your personal chef hanging around?” Carl asked. He
was always so blunt. Gretchen loved that about him.

“Actually,
I came over to tell you something,” she said, trying to sound as casual and
happy as possible.

Carl’s hand
froze in the middle of reaching for his glass. He brought his hand back without
ever touching it. Gretchen’s breathing sped up. She couldn’t do it. She should
have listened to John. Telling Carl was only going to break his heart.

But if his
heart was going to get broken, Gretchen knew it had to be done by her, and not
by some casual acquaintance. Carl deserved better than that. He just sat in his
chair staring at the TV without really seeing it. Waiting.

“John and I
are getting married,” she said quietly.

Letting out
a breath he must have been holding, Carl slumped a little in his chair. It was
hard to tell with how much he was slouching in his chair to start with, but
Gretchen had sat next to him watching too many random games not to notice it.
She wanted to run away and hide from his hurt, but she forced herself to face
it.

“Congratulations,”
Carl said quietly. He still sat there without meeting her gaze.

“Carl,” she
asked, “are you okay?”

He nodded,
but remained quiet. The silence was heartbreaking. This wasn't a side of Carl
she had ever wanted to see. Laughing and joking no matter what, was who he was.
Had Gretchen stolen that from him? John once told her Carl was in love with
her, but she hadn’t believed him. Now she was starting to doubt herself.
Could
I have really been that oblivious?

“Carl,” she
started, but she didn’t know what else to say.

Standing
up, Carl left his recliner behind and sat next to Gretchen on the couch. “You
know,” he said, “I thought I would hate John when this day finally came, but I
don’t. I just envy him.” He dropped his head into his hands and sighed.

Gretchen
could feel tears welling in her eyes and she wasn't sure she could contain
them. “I’m sorry, Carl,” she whispered.

Carl looked
at her with a pained smile. “You don’t have to be sorry, Gretchen. You love
him. You love who you love, there’s no apologizing for it. It just happens. I
know that better than anyone, I suppose.” Touching her cheek, Gretchen leaned
against his hand and brought her own up to his.

Carl’s hand
trembled against her skin, belying his calm words and showing how much he was
hurting. Losing control of her tears, Gretchen felt them slide down her cheeks
and connect with Carl’s fingers, sweeping back and forth as he wiped them away.

“I love
you, Gretchen. I have for a long time,” Carl said. Gretchen started crying in
force. John was right, and she’d never allowed herself to see it. How many
times had she hugged Carl or let him put his arm around her as they watched a
game together? He was always so happy and lighthearted, she told herself his
stolen hugs were purely playful. That was how she wanted to see it, anyway.

“The thing
that makes it so hard to take is that I think you did love me, Gretchen. You
were just too scared to see it.” Sliding his hand from her cheek to the back of
her neck, he brought his other hand up to match it. “Why couldn’t you give me
the same chance you gave John?” he asked.

“I don’t
know, Carl,” she whispered through her tears. “I wasn’t ready.”

He looked
down at her ring, picking her hand up to put it between them. “This could have
been us,” he said. “I know it could have been, if you had just given me a chance.”

“I’m so
sorry,” she said. How could she have done this to him? He told her it was too
hard to see her with John, but she begged him to stay. What had she done for
him, but hurt him like he promised never to do to her? Gretchen selfishly had
to have him in her life. Had she been kidding herself the whole time when it
came to Carl?

“Tell me
you never loved me at all,” Carl begged. “I need to hear you say you never
loved me.”

“I…” It
should have been easy to say. Gretchen had spent a year and a half telling
herself he was just a friend, but as she stared into Carl’s desperate eyes she
saw the times he held her in his arms, the hours he spent keeping her company
those first few months when Gretchen had wanted to sit down and cry, the way he
could make her feel better simply by being near her. Those were the reasons she
couldn’t let him go.

Apparently,
that was answer enough for Carl. Tilting her face up to his, he moved quickly,
pulling Gretchen into a kiss that sent a shockwave through her entire body. All
his pent up emotion rushed into her. She should have pulled away, but she
couldn’t. The delusions she had been holding onto for so long finally cleared.
Gretchen did love Carl. She just didn’t see it soon enough.

Slowly,
Carl pulled back, leaning his head against Gretchen’s. “I know this doesn’t
change your mind, but I couldn’t let you leave without showing you how I really
felt. It’s selfish, I know, but I never would have forgiven myself if I
hadn’t.”

She looked
up at him and opened her mouth to say…something, but he stopped her.

“Please,
don’t say anything, Gretchen. I don’t think I could bear it right now,” he
said. He smiled then, though not nearly as bright as before. “Do me a favor,
though. Don’t tell John about this. He’ll want to defend your honor or
something like that, and I’d really hate to hurt him.”