Mercy F*uck (20 page)

“Drake – ”

“Listen to my words, Axle. Drew needed to live, you needed to live. Both of you had choices to make on your own.

She wouldn’t have been driven to
The Hole
and you wouldn’t have quit school and went to Foxy. One day she broke down and said she was miserable and asked me what she should do. I told her to find happiness without you.”

“Did you even once consider that I was her happiness?”

Just then his wife, Donna, showed up and gave him a very pointed look and said, “Tell him, Drake.”

“Tell me what?”

“Yes, I considered it but – ”

“But what, God dammit?” I demand. “What the fuck else was there to consider?”

“My daughter’s God damn feelings, Axle!”

“Drake,” Donna says soothingly. “Calm down and just tell him.”

“Drake,” I say pinching my nose. “Whatever you have to say, just say it.”

“I told her to find her own happiness because I was under the impression you had already found yours.”

“How the fuck do you figure that?”

“You were engaged to Carrie.”

And just before my knees buckled, Drew caught my eyes and frowned. Rushing over to her, Donna distracts Drew so Drake can finish destroying me. “How could you do that to her, to me?” I ask the man that was like a father to me. “I loved her more than anything.”

“As much as I wanted to believe that, son, you were engaged to another woman.”

“A woman I didn’t love,” I countered.

“Perhaps not, but I couldn’t risk her like that.”

“Why tell me this now?”

“Because I want what’s best for my daughter and that’s you, son.”

“All those years you never once mentioned her name in front of me.”

“And I’m apologizing for that.”

“You really think I’m what’s best for her?”

Facing me, Drake clasps my forearm tight and says, “I
know
you are.”

Returning the gesture, I pull him close and finally did what needed to be done.

I let the past go.

It’s funny the minute details that escape you when you’re in the moment. Like the night Axle was seated at the bar watching me work the Beach Bash. It was a yearly thing, right smack in the middle of winter. With the heat cranked up and sand on the floor, students and locals alike dressed in their summer gear and drank fruity shit. Shit I hated making because it was diabetes in a cup.

I was in the middle of doing my fifth shot, courtesy of one of my regulars who loved flashing his money. Throwing it back and lining up another line, Axle leaves his stool to whisper in my ear.

“Ease up on the vodka, Drew.”

At the time it irritated me that he didn’t think I could handle myself. Wanting to prove to him I could, I whispered back, “It’ll take a lot more than this to put me on my ass, Axle.”

“I said ease up,” he growled taking the shot glass from me and slamming it back. Shaking his head in frustration he looks down at me and mumbled, “Water.”

Leveling him with an I told you so look, I smack him on the ass and grinned up at him, “Water.”

Mingling was exhausting.

Being that I sucked at remembering people’s names, I did my best to play along, take photos and talk my best shit.

Thanks to my mom, I had a fresh drink that I wanted to slam, but resisted. Seeing Darius with Axle worried me but I wasn’t able to get over to him to handle it. Luckily, Darius didn’t stick around.

I also saw my crew but have yet to have a second to speak with them either. Fortunately, Axle picked up the slack on that front too. The man had my back at all times and all I wanted to do was kick these heels off and spend time with him.

Now heading upstairs for my speech and dancing, I let Abram know that it was time for him to take over and run interference for me. I’ve had no time for my parents or Axle and this was me making the effort. Holding up my finger to halt people from speaking to me, I see Axle’s back and stop. Standing there in an expensive gown with a flute of champagne in my hand, I didn’t just fall, I did a full header. As he stood there unaware of my presence, I watched him talk to my dad like he’s done a hundred times before. When he hugged him I felt my chest tighten. When he looked casually over his shoulder, I knew it wasn’t to scan the room, but to look for me. This was his signature move.

It wasn’t obvious, it was habit. 
He will never stop searching for me
…

Without any effort at all, I tuned out the crowd and tuned in to him.

The moment I let go of the emotion I’d been fighting, the feeling in my chest released, leaving me light headed. If I had a bible, I’d swear on it that I had even swayed. The concrete as he called it, disintegrated. My love for him was so right I felt like I was floating. I never thought I’d feel like this again, but I should have had faith in Axle.

From this moment on, I would never doubt him again.

I knew in my soul the hurt I suffered was for a reason. How would I ever know what true love was if I didn’t understand heartbreak? How would either of us know the importance of this if we hadn’t lost it?

Years ago I wanted Axle. The woman frozen in place tonight, didn’t only want him, she needed him. He must have felt it too because when he looked over his shoulder again, the expression on his face was fierce.

Excusing himself from my dad, who was over the moon about Axle in every way, I follow his every movement.

Catching Shane’s eye who was flirting with a server, I waved and he winked.

Just as I found my footing, I was ready to run to him when Abram reminded me that I had a speech to give.

Making my way to the stage, I didn’t reach for the index cards that I had written.

Tonight I would speak from the heart instead.

Clearing my throat, I thank everyone for coming and when the applause ends, I began.

“I once was asked why I obsessed over history and at the time, my response was; true history never dies, it lives on forever with the people who remember it. If you’ve visited Bennett’s, Siena’s, Trash Tavern or even, The Hole, you might better understand my obsession. However, the concept behind Legacy wasn’t about our city’s history, but my own. Important history I had thought forever lost to me. Legacy was my way of always remembering the man who dared me to dream. A man I never thought I would see again. Ladies and gentleman, I’ve had two dreams come true tonight. You’re standing in the first but, I’m looking at the second.” Fighting back the tears I swallow hard, smile down to him and say, “Axle Rhodes, you are my dream come true.”

“Drew,” he chokes out reaching for me. For the second time in my life, I leapt. Uncaring of who saw me, I fell into his arms and whispered, “Surprise.”

“I have no words,” he says as the tears roll down his cheeks. Using the pads of my thumbs to wipe them away, I confess, “Legacy is you.”

“No,” he says holding me close. “It’s us.”  

Amidst the cheers, Axle dips me placing the sweetest kiss on my neck.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Abram says tapping my shoulder. “But the mayor is leaving.”

Who cares?
Was my private thought but my verbal response to Axle was, “Give me five?”

“I’ll give you an eternity as long as you come back.”

Love. This. Man!

Unfortunately, the mayor felt chatty and it took nearly a half hour.

Locking on Axle’s profile again, I felt my skin break out into goosebumps as he spoke with the band.

The musicians I hired to play tonight were exceptional. When they begin to play The Temptations
My Girl
, he came to me slipping his arm around my waist. Without speaking any words, I melt into Axle allowing him to lead us. Slowly and perfectly, we danced and the crowd ceased to exist. The camera flashes faded away and it was just like we used to be. In this moment, I was nineteen again with my whole life ahead of me.

“You were right,” I say for his ears only.

“What was I right about?”

“Tuning the world out is a beautiful thing.”

“Drew,” he says with pure love. Because that’s what he was, always had been for me. Whether in the garage listening to metal, dancing in his dorm room, or here on this marble floor with him wearing a suit, Axle was still my world.

“My life wasn’t right without you in it, Axle.”

“Mine either.”

“I’m tuning it all out,” I say holding him tighter. “I’m ready to be her again.”

“Hey,” he says cupping my face. “I told you, you’ve always been her.”

“I missed you,” I whisper up to him. “Thank you for finding that file.”

“Thank you for being a felon.”

Laughing hard, he pushes me out for a twirl then brings me back into the safety of his arms. With the world tuned out, Axle sang to me.

Well, I guess you’d say, what can make me feel this way?

My girl

Talkin’ ‘bout my girl

When he takes my mouth, I wrap my arms around his neck allowing him to pick me up off the floor. Deepening the kiss, I didn’t even notice the song ended until I heard the cheers. Lowering me down to my feet, he keeps me close in protection while we take in the crowd’s approval. Fighting back a laugh, I look up at my man and say, “When I tune shit out, I tune shit
out
.”

“I reap the benefits,” he smiles touching my cheek. “So I’m not complaining.”

From that moment on, Axle never left my side. He tried, stating he didn’t want to get in the way but I made it clear, he was right where he belonged.

Funny thing about assuming. You wouldn’t look at Axle and think he was a guy who liked to dance. But you’d be wrong.

He loved it.

My mom had snagged him for a few songs, I snagged him back for a few more and then I zeroed in on Shane.

After wearing him out, I danced with my dad, Abram, and Tiny.

Tiny, who kept trying to tell me something, but couldn’t get the words out.

When Carrie approached looking terrified, I figured it out and honestly, had no problem with it.

She wasn’t a threat to me and she was into Tiny. I put her in his path so it would be wrong to kick her off of it. Judging by the look on Tiny’s face, Carrie explained my man was her ex and he feared my wrath.

“It’s cool, Tiny,” I say squeezing his massive shoulder.

“Thanks,” he says softly but it comes out as a boom.

“Hey, Carrie,” I say moving back so Tiny can step in. “Thanks for coming.”

“This,” she tries. “I mean, it’s okay?”

“No,” Axle says taking my hand and cutting me off. “It’s not.”

“Oh,” she says crestfallen.

“It’s more than okay,” I make clear giving Axle the look. “You and Tiny enjoy yourselves. Give her the tour too.”

“Right,” he says gently leading her away. But it was clear she was uncomfortable. However, I also had a feeling she might look like that all the time.

“They’re into each other,” I say sweetly. “We’re into each other, shit worked out, right? Everyone’s happy.”

“You just have to save everyone, don’t you?”

“Tiny needs to be the hero,” I grin mischievously. “And if anyone needs a hero, it’s her.”

“What she needs is a therapist.”

“What’s her deal?” I ask looping my arm around him.

“Honestly? I never cared enough to ask.”

“Ouch.”

“I tuned her ass out, Drew. I’d really appreciate it if you’d do the same.”

“Alright,” I agree out of respect for him. “Consider her un-tuned.”

“Thank fuck,” he says pulling me back to the dance floor where we tuned out the world for another two hours.