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Relief washed over Jeremy’s face. “So you felt it too? Because up in the tree, sitting on the branch, hidden from the world, you became my world. I needed to kiss you before I left. I knew I would regret it for my whole life if I didn’t at least kiss you once.

Even if you had pushed me out of the tree, I would have still done it.” Jeremy talked fast, his voice animated. “Gosh, listen to me. I’m babbling on like a fool.”

Craig shifted in his seat. As far back as he could remember, Jeremy had always been the one to take chances, to express his emotions and thoughts. Craig desperately wanted to be the one to take charge, to open up to Jeremy. “No,” he said slowly, staring a moment into his wineglass, his heart pounding, “not a fool. The saying is true. You never forget your first love.”

Craig looked up and was faced by Jeremy’s smoldering eyes, catching him off guard and forcing all thought from his mind. The expression said more than I’m glad we’ve reconnected. It said something far deeper, dangerous for someone in a relationship.

Startled by the intensity of Jeremy’s gaze, Craig stood up. “I think I should check on the lasagna.” So much for taking the reins. Jeremy offers me a perfect opportunity to open up, to tell him what’s on my mind, and I take the first excuse to escape.

Jeremy followed Craig into the kitchen. If he had sensed Craig was about to admit his feelings, he didn’t show it. “Can I help? Where are the plates and utensils?” Craig pointed them out and Jeremy went about the task of setting the table.

Craig removed the lasagna from the oven, which bubbled like his mom’s and smelled perfect. He grabbed a trivet and placed the casserole dish on the living room table. “Here we go. Lasagna a-la-mom. Dig in.” They sat down to eat, Craig still berating himself for not having grabbed his chance to open up to Jeremy.

Craig went to the kitchen, returning with the steamed broccoli and a spatula for serving the lasagna. He cut a large square for Jeremy, before cutting a piece for himself.

They both spooned broccoli onto their plates and began eating in silence.

He wanted Jeremy. Seeing him, remembering their past, brought back all the hurt and emptiness from the years following Jeremy’s departure. The pain as their conversations became more infrequent. As if a scab had been torn off a cut, his emotions bubbled to the surface like blood pouring from a newly opened wound.

Avoiding conversation about their past wouldn’t make him more comfortable and he would regret not telling Jeremy how hard things had been for him all those years ago. Even if Jeremy couldn’t or wouldn’t return his feelings, at least Craig would have finally told him the truth; just like Jeremy had summoned the courage to kiss him.

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“Jeremy, I spent a lot of time after you left wondering what it would have been like if you had stayed. I had an active fantasy life about a hot and heavy relationship between the two of us.”

Jeremy stopped chewing and stared at him. When he finally swallowed, an excitement seemed to light his eyes. “I did the same thing. Each night I fell asleep imagining all of our firsts. I imagined us sneaking to the back of a theater at the Circle Cinema and kissing. Or when I got my license, I imagined us driving to the old golf course parking lot and…well, learning how to do other things to each other.”

Craig’s temperature rose a few degrees. He lifted his gaze, his mind filled with every act he had ever imagined with Jeremy. “I do know. You’re one hell of a good lay if my fantasy life was accurate. I had hundreds of orgasms from the things you did to me.” This was Craig’s second chance to let Jeremy know how he felt and he wasn’t going to back down this time.

Jeremy’s cheeks flushed crimson. “I guess we both had active imaginations. I had to do my own sheets so many times I lost count. My mom thought I was a neat freak who liked everything washed all the time, but I didn’t want her to find the evidence of my jacking off, like somehow she would know I had been thinking about you. It’s dumb, but that’s what went through my head.”

“Well, what are teenage years for but to be dumb?” Craig smiled, thinking back on all of the stupid and fun things they had done as kids. How many times had he put himself at risk of breaking some part of his body, believing he would never get hurt and not caring what the word consequences meant? “I would have liked to live out some of those fantasies I’ve wondered over the years what it would have been like if you had never moved; if you and I had a real chance at seeing how we would have worked as a couple.

Jeremy remained silent for longer than Craig expected and he began to worry he had pushed too hard. When Jeremy finally spoke, his response was well worth the wait.

“You’re bolder than you used to be. The Craig I knew would never have admitted that to me.”

It hadn’t been an answer to his implied question. He wanted to know if Jeremy thought about what their life could have been as well. “You were my role-model for that growing up. I never saw you back down from anything.” As much as his heart was sinking in his chest, disappointed that Jeremy hadn’t reciprocated the sentiment, Craig managed to keep his gaze locked with Jeremy’s.

Jeremy placed another bite of lasagna in his mouth, his brow furrowed. When he finished chewing, he raised his glass of wine to his mouth, taking a sip. “I thought about that too…what it might have been like if I had never moved. To tell you the truth, I imagined it the other night at Boris’s party. I wondered what would have happened if we had run into each other eight years ago when we first moved to the city.

Craig’s mouth dropped open. Jeremy had given him exactly what he wanted.

Confirmation that he had felt the same way all those years. But he gave him even more.

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He still imagined what it might have been like. A movie of an entirely different life began to play in his mind, only interrupted when Jeremy broke his train of thought.

”So, your designs, they’re amazing. When did you decide to become a graphic designer?”

Craig had to shake his head to follow Jeremy’s topic shift. “Uh, would you mind giving me fair warning when you’re going to switch topics so abruptly. I might get whiplash trying to follow the conversation.” Part of him appreciated the new focus, although he had tons of new questions he wanted to ask.

Jeremy laughed. “Sorry, bad habit of mine.”

Craig playfully nudged hum. “No problem. To answer your question, I took all sorts of random courses in college, but I liked the computer tech courses the best.

Learning and using the programs came naturally. The work intrigued me and the creativity allowed me to express my emotions. I kept my earliest designs from those college classes stored away. When I thumb through them I can remember exactly what I was going through at the time.”

Jeremy’s eyes lit up. “Really? Will you show some of them to me?”

Craig laughed at Jeremy’s excitement. He hadn’t browsed through those pictures in a long time and Robert had never expressed interest in seeing them. Not even when they had first started dating and their relationship had still been romantic and loving.

“Of course. I’ll need to dig them out, but sure.” Craig got up and headed to his room with Jeremy following him. “I think they’re in this closet.” He placed a chair by the closet and stood up, digging into the back of the uppermost shelf. Pulling out a worn portfolio case, he spread the pictures on the bed. There were about thirty prints, most of them designed during his junior and senior years. After laying them out, he stood back, giving Jeremy room to peruse them.

Jeremy sat on the bed and flipped through the prints, taking extra time to examine some. Craig took note of the ones Jeremy spent more time examining; the ones where his slant for modern design had begun to reveal itself. When Jeremy turned around, his face revealed open admiration “These are good. I’m not surprised, but still, they’re incredible. You’re extremely talented.” He picked up a picture which played with angles and shapes in unusual ways, similar to the designs Craig had used in the artwork at Boris’s party. “Why did you get into modern design?”

Craig sat down next to Jeremy on the bed, daring to let their legs and shoulders touch, and gazed at the work with him. Heat from Jeremy’s body penetrated Craig, causing his skin to prickle. Jeremy’s genuine interest in his work filled Craig with pride.

He wasn’t being polite; he wanted to learn why Craig chose this particular path, a stark contrast from Robert’s apathy towards his motivation or passion weighed inside him.

Stop. Answer the question.

“I’m not sure. I guess I liked the clean images when I used angles and shapes like these.” He picked up an abstract representation of The Love Tree. “I always loved this one. I was thinking about you and growing up, and this image formed as I worked. I 83

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think this is when I realized I wanted to do something to transform natural subject matter and colors into a modern image.”

Jeremy took the picture from Craig. “This is absolutely beautiful. You could put this work in a museum.”

Craig shrugged. “I don’t think so, but thanks for the compliment. I made some good friends in my classes and five of us decided to move to New York and start our company. Our business has been steady. None of us wants to become millionaires.

We’re happy to be doing what we love and to be able to make a decent living. I’m pretty much my own boss, can pick my clients, and can enjoy the city. That’s why I don’t want to work for Boris. I’d be doing the work from the party exclusively and I would become bored. Plus, I can’t imagine leaving the business I helped to start. It’s a part of who I am. At least it feels like an extension of what I love.”

Jeremy sat quietly, peering at Craig for a moment before speaking. “I admire your passion and commitment to sticking by what you care about rather than caving into opportunities which would make you more money. Especially in this city. No one understands why I stick with teaching in a private school. The money is shit and teachers aren’t terribly respected…at least not as much as we should be.”

Jeremy fell silent and traced the edges of the image in his hands. He seemed far away, somewhere deep in his own mind. Then, he looked up abruptly. “Hey, I’m about to shift topics here. I’m giving you fair warning as requested.”

Craig laughed though his insides jumped in anticipation. “Okay, shoot.”

“Do you want to head out? I’d love to show you some of my favorite spots in my old neighborhood.”

Craig placed his pictures back into the portfolio, and returned the case to the top shelf of his closet. “Sure. I love the East Village. Let’s go.” They headed out into the warm summer night and began walking. Fifteen minutes later, they entered the East Village.

Jeremy led them all the way to Avenue A, before heading north towards Tompkins Square Park. The park matched the diversity of the neighborhood. Dog parks, grass lawns, playgrounds, tennis and handball courts, skate-boarding ramps, and chess board tables drew a wide range of people, yet, like everything else in the East Village, everyone enjoyed themselves without bothering anyone else. “I love this park,” Jeremy said, “especially at this time of night when the day isn’t quite over. Twilight is kind of a magical time here. C’mon.”

Craig followed Jeremy into the park where they sat on a grassy patch. He lay on the ground, crossing his arms under his head and looked up at the sky, content and relaxed. “Tell me about teaching. Does the job fulfill you the way you imagined it would?”

Jeremy sat cross legged, facing Craig. “Better. I always enjoyed explaining things and loved helping people understand what they don’t know, but when I’m working 84

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with those kids and I can spot their excitement, you know, the moment the light bulb goes off. Nothing compares to it.”

Craig tilted his head to face Jeremy. “That’s a good reason to enjoy what you do.”

“Thank you. Not many people understand how teachers can love the work. No one does the job for the money.” Jeremy stared at Craig, warmth in his eyes. “I’m not surprised you appreciate what I do. You always had my back no matter what.”

Craig sat up. Once again, the words Jeremy said seemed innocent enough, but a secondary message seemed to be simmering under the surface. What’s he trying to say?

I’m missing a message he won’t seem to spit out.

Jeremy smiled, a wide grin spreading across his face. “See those bushes.” He pointed across the lawn towards the bushes lining the lawn.” In the summer, this place will be sparkling with fireflies. Hundreds of them dotting the grass. That’s why this is my favorite spot. They seem to light up like fireworks. You can’t look anywhere without little green flecks of light sparkling.”

The two of them sat in silence. Craig became lost in the image of the grass twinkling with fiery green light with the two of them sat in the middle, as if in a wonderland. The beauty and peacefulness of the moment, the appreciation Jeremy expressed for such a simple yet magical phenomenon, caused Craig to forget they were merely friends who reconnected. He became the fifteen-year-old who couldn’t get enough of his best friend.