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Authors: Allison
Whatever the reason for the look, it caught Andrew completely off guard. “What?
You—”
“We did something I’ll never forgive myself for, but I’m hoping you might be able to forgive me so we can move forward, as a couple.”
Jeremy’s expression dropped to his hands resting in his laps. “To be clear, are you saying you and Robert—”
“We slept together.” Andrew froze, watching Jeremy intently, searching for any sign of anger or hurt. Several emotions played across Jeremy’s face, but none of them revealed anger. Instead, he saw a mixture of sadness and acceptance. A tear formed at his eyes and Andrew wanted to brush the tear off Jeremy’s cheek, but he decided it would be better to wait until he was sure his touch would be welcome. “You did understand what I said, didn’t you?”
Jeremy lifted his eyes to face Andrew. Along with tears, a thin smile settled across his lips. Confused, Andrew pushed on. “He’s a bad guy. He only cares about money and he thought that the two of us would be a good couple because of how rich we would be. As I listened to him, realizing how cold and emotionless he is, I became sick to my stomach, finally understanding I hadn’t been terribly different with you.”
Jeremy started to protest, but Andrew continued speaking, not allowing him to interrupt. “Don’t tell me I’m wrong. I know I never went so far as to treat you like an object. I’m not a robot. But I did focus on money and material things. I lost sight of the things that make life worth living. You and I, our love, spending time together, is what makes life worth living and brings happiness, not the stuff I can buy.”
Once he had gotten it out, he didn’t feel the relief he expected. So much hinged on what Jeremy said next.
Jeremy remained quiet, staring at Andrew as if surveying him. Andrew remained silent and waited. Finally, Jeremy spoke. “I understood you and I need to confess something as well.”
Andrew’s gut clenched. This doesn’t sound good. “You’re not reacting at all how I expected.”
Jeremy shook his head. “I find this ironic. You come home and make this huge admission just when I was ready to confront you about my doubts and concerns in this relationship. I had begun to believe we had grown too far apart to come back together, but now you’ve admitted to everything that’s been on my mind.”
Andrew started to protest. He didn’t want Jeremy taking any blame on himself. He had nothing to be sorry for. “Jeremy—”
“Let me finish. I think once you hear what I’m about to say, you’ll understand why my reaction doesn’t match what you expected. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pissed. You shouldn’t have fucked him. Not just because we are together, but because he’s a dick.
But I did something I’m not proud of either.”
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Andrew took Jeremy’ hands in his. “Tell me. I deserve to hear whatever you have to say. Any frustration, any way I failed to value you, I deserve to face it and make amends.”
Jeremy swallowed hard. “I have a confession. This won’t be easy for me, but I need to tell you and then we can move forward if you still want to.”
Andrew shifted in his seat, but maintained eye contact and kept a gentle hold of Jeremy’s hand. “On Friday night, after you and Robert left, I went over to Craig’s. We had plans to eat and hang out. I was pretty upset about us. Craig and I reminisced over old times and started talking about you and Robert. When I told him about us, I only shared the good parts…at first. Craig said how lucky I was and I couldn’t lie to him. He had poured his soul out and I had withheld my own doubts and fears. So I told him my frustrations. I told him how you didn’t seem to appreciate or understand what I cared about anymore. I enjoyed getting it off my chest.”
Jeremy paused, biting his lower lip. Andrew sat silently, waiting for him to continue. “We were drinking a lot of wine and our conversation was kind of depressing the two of us, so Craig turned on some music and asked me to dance.”
As Jeremy spoke, he shifted on the seat, wringing his hands. “Seeing Craig again and reconnecting has been nice. I’d been watching you change and we’d begun to pull apart rather than grow together. Craig reminded me of my childhood, of the happy and secure kid who stood up for what he believed in. He shares a history with me no one else does. So we started dancing.”
Andrew watched him, his heart thrashing inside his chest. Jeremy sat quietly looking tormented, as if the words he was trying to get out were stuck in his throat.
“Whatever you need to tell me can’t be worse than what I told you. Just say it. Clear the air and let’s pick up the pieces.” Whatever it is, say something because I’m going crazy waiting for you to speak.
Jeremy lifted his gaze so he stared directly into Andrew’s eyes. “So Craig and I started dancing. The moment sort of took us over. We danced and hugged, and then we kissed. I mean we really kissed. We ended up fooling around; not sex, but we didn’t stop at kissing either. We knew what we were doing was wrong. Neither one of us want to cheat or to be unfaithful. But we did. So you see, we both crossed a line this weekend.
Maybe you went a bit further than I did, but does that really matter? Cheating isn’t defined by the specifics of what you do.”
Andrew tensed, the image of Jeremy being with someone else filling his mind. A wave of nausea passed through him. When he looked at Jeremy’s face the expression of guilt, grief and compassion replaced the discomfort. At least the two of them were talking honestly, something they hadn’t done for a long time. There was still one question that needed answering before they moved forward. Nothing else mattered until Jeremy answered this one essential question. “Did you stop because you didn’t want to be unfaithful to me?” Andrew’s voice was soft. “What I mean is, did you want to stop?”
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Jeremy sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, we stopped because we both, er, finished.
This whole weekend I was convinced I wanted to continue to enjoy Craig…that way…but I didn’t expect you to come home and tell me everything you did. Now that I know you understand what’s been bothering me, I’m confused.”
Andrew took Jeremy’s hands in his again. “Let me ask you this. Do you want to be with Craig again? Sexually?”
“After this conversation, no.”
Andrew relaxed. “So I’m not too late? We can still fix things between us?” It amazed him how completely his feelings had changed in a matter of minutes. This wasn’t about sacrificing in order to make things right with Jeremy anymore. It was about fixing a relationship that was too important to lose.
Jeremy’s eyes glimmered with moisture as large tears rolled down his cheeks. He leaned into Andrew, and Andrew wrapped his arms around Jeremy, squeezing him.
Through his tears, Jeremy continued. “I think we can work on this. You understand what’s been bothering me. Now I can let my guard down and open up to you again.”
Andrew tightened his grip around Jeremy. “Good. Because I want to work on this. I love you.”
He buried his face against Andrew’s shoulder, tears spilling freely from Jeremy’s eyes. “I love you too. I’m so sorry about what happened with Craig.”
“Shh. Don’t. I’m not jumping for joy, but I pushed you too hard. Something was bound to snap sooner or later and force us to pay attention to our relationship. And I’m just as guilty. Don’t put this on yourself.” He took Jeremy’s face between his hands, forcing his gaze on him. He wiped the tears from Jeremy’s cheeks, and leaned in, kissing him. “You’re happier with Craig back in your life. I had hoped if you were happier, you might be more open to the things I want. I was being selfish. I won’t put my needs in front of yours anymore. I think you and Craig should remain friends.”
Jeremy sat upright, his eyes wide with an expression of shock. “How can you be okay with that?”
Andrew shrugged. “Because you told me you don’t want him as a lover. You want to make things work with me, and you love me. I trust you, Jeremy. I don’t believe you were trying to hurt me any more than I was trying to hurt you. We lost sight of what’s important for a while. Well, I lost sight of what’s important and pushed you to do what you did.” He pulled Jeremy back into a hug. “I don’t want you to lose a friend because we both made a mistake.”
Jeremy wrapped his arms around Andrew and squeezed. “I can’t believe how things turned out. This is so much different than I anticipated. But if we’re going to work through our problems I probably shouldn’t see Craig for a while.”
Andrew continued holding Jeremy. “That’s your choice to make. I want you to know I trust you.” He squeezed Jeremy tighter as they sat together on the couch in silence for several minutes.
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* * * * *
Robert pressed into him, his tongue invading Craig’s mouth, before abruptly breaking out of the kiss, grabbing Craig by the hand, and leading him towards the bedroom.
“Wait. Hang on.” Craig had to plant his feet to stop himself from being dragged to the bedroom. “Wait!”
Robert stopped pulling at Craig, his forehead crinkling and his shoulders hunching slightly. He leaned back against the countertop as he scrutinized Craig before he finally spoke. “What? I haven’t seen you in two days. I want you, now!”
“Hello to you, too.” Craig walked away from Robert to the kitchen table and sat down.
“What the hell?” Robert had a glazed look in his eyes, his pants bulging in the front.
“Come on. I’m horny as hell.”
Craig didn’t look up. “We need to talk.”
Robert cocked his head to the side. “Can’t we wait ‘til later? I want to fuck.”
Craig raised his voice. “No, Robert. We can’t wait until later. We need to talk now!”
Surprise registered on Robert’s face. “Okay, fine. Talk.”
He had rehearsed how to tell Robert about Friday night a million times, but with the moment upon him, he had no idea what to say. Always finding the direct approach the easiest when he didn’t know what to say, he simply blurted out his admission.
“Jeremy and I hooked up on Friday night.”
Robert took a menacing step towards Craig, his fists clenched. “You what?”
Craig lowered his eyes, but forced his gaze back up, refusing to cower while admitting his own wrong-doing. “It wasn’t planned, but it happened.”
“You little piece of shit. How dare you.” Robert was shaking.
Robert’s anger made talking easier. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen and we both knew right away that we made a mistake, but I spent all weekend thinking and I’ve reached some conclusions.”
One loud, harsh, laugh escaped from Robert. “That’s rich. You tell me you cheated and now you’ve come to some conclusions. I’ll tell you what my conclusion is. You’re a fucking slut.”
Craig let the comment pass. The angrier Robert got, the calmer he became. “I tried to figure out why I would let Friday night happen. Jeremy makes me remember the person I used to be. He understands me and what I care about. He would never 142
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consider me some convenient lay like you do. You’ve been completely absent from this relationship for years now and I ignored my loneliness for far too long. I deserve more than this…us…and the Craig I used to be would have done something about it long ago. I need to find him again and I can’t do that with you around.”
The look of rage and disbelief on Robert’s face forced Craig to take a step back. “Are you trying to pin this on me?”
Craig shook his head. “No. What I did with Jeremy was a mistake. That’s on me.
But the underlying reason for it is on both of us. You don’t see who I am and, quite frankly, I don’t think you give a shit. Hell, the only time we connect at all anymore is during sex and the last few times we did that you didn’t even bother to help me finish after you had.”
“So this is because you didn’t get off a few times?”
“No. This is about how you view me as a possession; one that’s not good enough in your eyes. I don’t make enough money and don’t want to climb any corporate ladders.
I’m happy in my job and you disrespect me for my choices.”
Craig squared his shoulders. He knew he was right and was just as sure Robert was incapable of hearing him. “We haven’t been a couple for years now. I’ve simply been a roommate you fuck, which isn’t enough for me anymore. I’m never going to be someone who is business savvy and rich. If you want a corporate ladder-climber who strives for a higher salary, someone who values titles rather than feelings, I am not that person.”
The truth of his words supported him. He faced Robert with confidence. “Does this relationship make you happy? Do I satisfy you?”
Robert seemed stunned, but quickly regained his haughty demeanor. “You’re being ridiculous. Why is everything so dramatic with you? We’ve been together for eight years. Doesn’t that show you what I want?”
Craig sighed, shaking his head. “No, it tells me we’re comfortable with each other.
We’re used to this and neither one of us has faced what’s lacking between us. I can’t live like this anymore.”