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Authors: Allison
Andrew shook his head, not bothering to deny the truth of Robert’s words. He had wanted Robert. “Maybe I am questioning things with Jeremy, but we’re both in relationships. What we did was wrong.”
Robert raised an eyebrow. “Why? Because we cheated? Why shouldn’t we give in to our desires? We’re a perfect match.”
“What? No.” He swayed again and Robert stepped forward, wrapping an arm around Andrew’s waist.
Andrew pushed Robert away, stumbling backwards and falling onto the bed.
Quickly getting back to his feet, he pointed at Robert. “Cut it out. I don’t want this or you.”
Robert’s next comment sounded angry, his words spitting out of him. “Maybe you don’t think you want this…or me, but you really do. We’re perfect for each other. Look at us. We’re handsome, successful, wealthy, and motivated. We both have partners who are going nowhere. Why shouldn’t we have everything we want? Can you imagine what a couple we would be? We would be powerful. We would have enough money to buy anything. Think about what we could achieve together.”
“You think we would be a great couple because of how much money we make? You think we would be powerful because we’re both motivated and successful? You’re a fucking dick.”
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Robert took a menacing step forward, but Andrew squared his shoulders and Robert backed away, fear in his eyes, the recognition that he would lose in a physical match. “It’s not only the money, Andrew. We’d be able to do all of the things we can’t do right now because our partners don’t want the same things. All the things you said you want to be able to do without feeling guilty.”
Andrew stepped backwards, groping for his pants. “You’re unbelievable. Tell me something. Are you interested in me because of who I am or because of how much I make and what I do?”
Robert shrugged. “What’s the difference between the two? You are what you do and how much you make.”
“Oh my God. I have to get out of here.” He buttoned his pants, slipped his feet into his shoes, and threw on a shirt. “I’m going to book another room.”
Andrew left and headed towards the elevators, his head reeling from how stupid he had been. He had allowed himself to become entranced by Robert’s charm. He had listened to Robert in the car and during dinner and believed Robert actually cared about him; understood him. Realizing Robert only saw him as another conquest or trophy caused his stomach to churn.
Despite all their differences and fights, Jeremy loved him for who he was. Even if they were drifting apart, Jeremy never treated him like he was an object. He wasn’t a cheater. The weight of his actions crushed down on him.
Maybe he and Jeremy weren’t meant to be together, but Jeremy didn’t deserve what he had done. Last night had been about escape and, in his desire to taste a life free from restriction, he had betrayed a person who deserved better. Guilt racked him, wrenching at his heart and causing his head to ache even more than his hangover. When he got home, he would admit what he did and make an effort to be what Jeremy deserved.
This had been a line that should not have been crossed. Sacrificing his own desires seemed small compared to his betrayal of Jeremy’s love. Somehow, he would make things right between them.
Even as he made the promise to himself, he felt the weight press just a bit harder down on him and his chest constricted making breathing much more difficult. His decision, his certainty, felt more like a sentence than a relief.
* * * * *
That was a conversation which needed to happen face-to-face.
Having spent a good deal of time figuring out why he would allow himself to sleep with Robert and, more importantly, reflecting on the way he had been treating Jeremy, he found himself emotionally drained by the time he arrived at Penn Station.
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Money may have been a catalyst, but it wasn’t the root of their problems. Andrew had lost sight of Jeremy at some point along the way, focusing on his behaviors rather than the reasons behind them. He never would have been so careless or self-centered earlier in their relationship and the fact he had become disengaged shattered him. It ran completely contrary to how he viewed himself as a person and as a boyfriend.
He was also surprised at how much he had enjoyed taking the submissive role.
With Jeremy, he had always been dominant, the top. But the thrill of allowing someone to top him, as sick as he was that Robert had been that person, had been a revelation.
He couldn’t imagine Jeremy topping him and making him feel the same way. Jeremy simply didn’t have a commanding enough personality to make Andrew feel submissive. But he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed it.
Why did it have to take me fucking someone else to figure that out? Each time he recalled the sex with Robert, his stomach churned. Robert embodied a heartless shell of a human being. Someone so caught up in corporate life and money that he had completely lost touch with what really mattered—people, relationships, integrity. What sickened him was how close he had come to falling into the same trap.
But in escaping one trap, he found himself caught in a new one. He had committed himself to making things work with Jeremy. He owed him that much after spending years pushing him, disrespecting him, making him feel unappreciated. Still, making things work between them wasn't going to bring happiness to Andrew, it would be entirely for Jeremy.
He had failed Jeremy, pushing him to change jobs and to make more money.
Judging what he perceived to be a lack of ambition was more damaging to Jeremy’s happiness and their relationship than Andrew realized. He wanted to talk, clear the air, and move forward. He owed it to Jeremy to put his own needs aside and to focus all of his energy on making Jeremy happy.
Didn’t lots of couples face major challenges, defining moments which would determine the rest of their lives? Why should he and Jeremy be any different? The answer was simple. It shouldn’t. Maybe they could work through this and find their way back to being happy together. The more he thought about it, the more he longed for that outcome. Not just for Jeremy, but for himself. The only lingering question in his mind: do I want this for myself because I love him or because I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror? He knew the answer, but didn’t want to face it.
Suitcase banging against his legs, he entered the condo, dropping all of his things on the floor. Jeremy, who sat on the couch in the living room, swung around in his seat.
“Oh my God. You scared the shit out of me.” He looked at his watch and raised an eyebrow. “You’re home early.”
Andrew raced to Jeremy, scooped him up off the couch, and hugged him. Finally with Jeremy in his arms, a surprising sense of calm passed through him. Looking into Jeremy’s amber eyes, the eyes which had seen him through all of the challenges he had faced as an adult, old feelings rushed in, crowding out his doubt. Suddenly, he knew what his heart wanted.
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He placed his hands on Jeremy’s cheeks, staring at him as affection swelled within him. “I missed you so fucking much.” He leaned in and pressed their mouths together, brushing his tongue over Jeremy’s lips, begging entrance for a hungry kiss.
Jeremy’s body went stiff for a moment, but then melted into the kiss; opening to Andrew and allowing the passion to take over. Their tongues danced in each other’s mouths, tumbling with an urgent need to be close. Andrew ran his hands all over Jeremy’s body, pulling him closer and touching every contour of each muscle. A tingle began at the base of his spine and ran throughout his body. His cock sprang to life, straining against his pants. Jeremy was pure, safe, honest; the complete opposite of Robert. Holding and kissing him felt cleansing.
He took small steps in the direction of the couch, making sure Jeremy moved with him. He maintained constant contact with Jeremy, lips locked, tongues tangled in a dance of passion, hands firmly on his waist, making sure he wouldn’t fall. When they reached the couch, he gently lowered Jeremy so he lay down, following him down so his full weight lay on top of him.
He ground their bodies together. Jeremy’s cock pressed against his own through his jeans. He lifted his head, never breaking eye contact, and gazed down at his beautiful lover. How did I waste even one second forgetting how lucky I am? Jeremy had chosen him and had always shown him love. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Andrew wanted to beat his head against a wall.
Jeremy gasped for air, a timid smile crossed his lips. “Hey. Slow down for a minute.
Is everything okay?”
Andrew grinned from ear to ear and thought his face might split if his smile became any wider. He knew he had wanted to make things right, but had never imagined that seeing Jeremy would open this floodgate of emotion and longing. “Everything is perfect now that I’m here holding you.” He leaned back down, taking Jeremy’s mouth in a ferocious kiss once again.
Jeremy pulled back, laughing, not in a teasing way, but with lightness. “Hey, c’mon, slow down. What’s this all about?”
Andrew released Jeremy, sitting up and facing him. With the initial thrill of seeing him having passed, he remembered he had a horrendous admission to make. His gut clenched and he feared he might get sick. It had been one thing when he felt he was making a sacrifice to stay with Jeremy. If he chose not to forgive him it would feel like he had somehow escaped a relationship he already suspected wouldn’t make him happy. But he hadn’t expected to feel love upon seeing Jeremy. He hadn’t expected eight years of devotion and caring to flood his mind upon walking through the door.
“This weekend was strange and I had a lot of time to think.” A worried expression crossed Jeremy’s face. “I have something I need to tell you.”
Jeremy sat up, shifting his body so he faced Andrew. He reached into his pants to readjust himself and settled into a comfortable position. “Okay. Let’s talk.”
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Andrew cleared his throat. “Jeremy. I’m such an ass. This weekend, I realized how horrible I’ve been as a boyfriend. I want to wind time backwards two years and start over.”
A concerned expression settled on Jeremy’s face. “What are you talking about?”
Andrew sighed. He had to slow down. He had to communicate this right so Jeremy would hear everything he had learned about himself and about the two of them. Taking a deep breath, he started over. “This weekend I had a lot of time to think about us.
Being away from you, missing you, I realized how focused I’ve become on things that aren’t important and not paying enough attention to the things which really matter. I’ve been pushing you to do something you don’t want to do. You’ve told me over and over you don’t want me taking care of you financially and I always assumed it was just your pride, but when I stopped to think about it, I realized it wasn’t so much pride, as a desire for equality.”
Andrew swallowed, his mouth becoming dry. “What I realized is for the past two years, I haven’t valued you and what means the most to you. And for what? So you would make more money? I was so focused on your concerns about finances, I never considered how I was disrespecting you, your work, and this relationship.”
Jeremy listened, sitting stone still, his eyes wide. “Andrew, what—”
Andrew placed a finger over Jeremy’s lips, silencing him, and caressed the side of his face. Jeremy leaned into the touch. “Jeremy, I love your commitment to your kids. I love your passion for teaching and your dedication to their lives. That school is damn lucky.”
Andrew cupped his hand behind Jeremy’s neck and pulled him in for a brief kiss. “I lost sight of what is most important. Being together, our relationship, is worth more than any amount of money. I’ve behaved horribly, causing you to doubt whether I truly understand who you are. I wish I could erase any comment or action I ever made which hurt you or caused you to question my love for you. You’re the most important person in my world. Nothing is worth anything if we can’t share the experience together. I love you so much.”
Tears streamed down Jeremy’s cheeks. “I love you too.” He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “What brought all of this on?”
Andrew leaned back on the couch, tilting his head back so he was facing the ceiling.
After a moment, he sat upright and continued. This is the part I’m dreading. I need to tell him, face the music, and move forward—if Jeremy can forgive me. “On Friday, while Robert and I drove to DC, we talked about our relationships. I hate to admit it, but I complained about you. I realize now Robert fed me questions to push the conversation in that direction, but sharing any of my doubts about the two of us was disloyal. When we arrived at the hotel, we got situated, had dinner, and ended up getting pretty drunk.
Back in the room, Robert offered to give me a backrub and I allowed him to, and one thing led to another, and we…” His voice trailed off.
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Jeremy shook his head, a brief glimmer of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. It wasn’t a smile revealing happiness, but it didn’t reveal sorrow or anger either.