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Robert took another step towards Craig, his knuckles white under the skin of his clenched fists. “I didn’t come home for you tell me you cheated on me and that this relationship is over. I will make that decision. No one makes a fool of Robert Howell.”

The comment caused Craig to laugh. Once it started, the laughter grew until tears streamed down his cheeks.

Robert took one final step forward, wild anger flashing in his eyes. Craig laughed even harder, causing Robert to stop in his tracks. When he spoke, his voice dripped with disdain. “Do you realize I almost hit you? What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Craig had to work at controlling himself. “I’m laughing at what you said. Who do you think you are? Are you so important everyone should revere you? Is your precious self-control so important that you can’t let your emotions out for one second. I almost wish you would hit me. At least I’d know that you cared.”

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Robert’s rage returned. “I’m the floor manager of one of the biggest departments at Goldman Sachs. I make more money than five people usually make in a year…combined. I can buy anything I want. Do you know how many people want me…would kill to be in your shoes? You aren’t significant enough to treat me this way.

And you certainly aren’t significant enough for me to lose my cool over.”

Craig shook his head. Robert was making this way too easy for him. “Well, you’re wrong about one thing, Robert, because I don’t want you. I’m done.”

Robert flew at Craig, but stopped just short of grabbing him by the front of his shirt, recomposing himself with what appeared to be a tremendous amount of effort. “I want you to gather enough things to last you a few days and get the fuck out. You can come by to get the rest of your shit while I’m at work. I want all your crap out of here by next Sunday. I’ll toss whatever is left after that.” Robert turned and stormed into the bedroom. A second later, the shower started running.

Craig stood glued to the spot, his muscles trembling, heart racing. It’s done. It’s finally over. He marveled at the sensation flowing through him. Rather than emptiness or sadness, an overwhelming freedom filled him. His muscles slowly relaxed, his breathing coming easier, and his heart rate lowering to a normal pace.

Grabbing the bag he had packed earlier in the day when he had called Janet to ask if he could stay with her, he headed out the door. The cool night air felt refreshing as he headed east. He couldn’t remember a time since moving to New York that he had ever felt more like himself.

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Craig woke up the next day refreshed. Despite the charged emotions of the previous evening, today promised to be the first day of his living freely, being true to himself and to everyone else who had stood by him over the years. At the top of the list was Jeremy. Excitement bubbled up inside him as he thought about Jeremy. He couldn’t wait to call him, share the details of his confrontation with Robert, and hopefully take a step in the direction he had always wanted to so many years ago.

He was restless all day, work barely able to maintain his concentration. Finally, at three o’clock, he called Jeremy. “Hey. How are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

Craig’s chest constricted. Jeremy seemed distant. I wonder if he’s freaking out about the other night. “Good actually. I wondered if you wanted to get together for dinner. I have some news.”

“Um, well…sure. I guess that would be all right.”

Craig took a deep breath. He knew Jeremy too well not to sense something was really wrong. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine, but we need to talk.”

The tightness in his chest increased. I don’t like where this is headed. “Ok—ay. Um, would you like to meet at the same restaurant we ate at before, Thai on Two?”

“Sure. I’ll meet you at five-thirty. Does that work?”

“That’s fine.” Craig waited to see if Jeremy would say anything else. After a few moments of silence, he continued. “So I guess I’ll meet you at five-thirty.” He clicked his phone shut and stared at it. Jeremy didn’t sound like himself at all. Instead of bubbly and talkative, he seemed subdued and overly quiet.

Craig found Jeremy already sitting at a table when he arrived at the restaurant. He walked over and took a seat. His heart pounded behind his ribs and each pulse throbbed in his ears, muffling his ability to hear. He didn’t have a chance to say hello before Jeremy started right in. “I’m sorry about how I sounded on the phone, but I talked to Andrew last night about…you know. I wanted us to talk face-to-face.”

Craig watched Jeremy fidget with his hands, fold and unfold his napkin, tap the table with the base of his knife. He didn’t meet Craig’s gaze. “I figured you had something big to talk about. Are you okay?”

He continued where he left off as if he hadn’t heard Craig’s question. “The conversation went surprisingly well. Andrew apologized for being such a distant boyfriend. He said he had lost sight of what was important, but during the weekend at the convention he had time to think and reprioritize the things which mattered to him; specifically me.” Jeremy took a sip of his water. “On Friday, while you and I talked about Andrew, I began to piece together my thoughts and had prepared to confront 145

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him when he came home. Out of the blue, Andrew expressed everything I’ve been wanting to hear for years now.”

Craig smiled even though his insides churned. On a small level, he was genuinely happy for Jeremy. He deserved someone to treat him with love and adoration. A bigger part of him had to work to hold the wave of sadness filling his gut, crowding his ability to focus. I want to be the person who makes him feel loved and adored. He pushed the thought from his mind, taking in a few deep breaths to calm himself. “That’s a good thing. I’m happy for you.”

Jeremy’s lips curved up into a smile, but his face didn’t light up. “Yes, it is a good thing, but Craig, this runs deeper than a good conversation.” He shifted in his seat and took another sip of his water. “I also told him about what you and I…did.”

“I figured you would. You’re an honest guy and wouldn’t keep something like that hidden.” Craig still couldn’t figure out why Jeremy seemed so uncomfortable. Nothing he said seemed out of the ordinary.

“He understood; he was hurt, but he understood he had been pushing me away for some time now.” Jeremy’s seemed to be straining, trying to hold himself together, but a he couldn’t hide the sadness in his eyes.

“That’s good too.” Craig’s confusion increased. “I don’t understand what the problem is. You said we had to talk.”

Jeremy bit his lower lip. “Andrew asked me if I wanted to be with you again.”

Craig’s held his breath. What Jeremy says next will define how we move forward. Heat flooded his body, beginning in his stomach and radiating out to his fingers and toes. He forced himself to remain silent and still. Jeremy had to be the one to say whatever needed to be said. Craig had already made his choice.

“He said he’s seen me light up since you and I reconnected.” For the first time in the conversation, Jeremy’s eyes locked on Craig. “But, that’s the problem. When I’m with you, something inside comes to the surface; a part of me I remember from my childhood, a courage I had forgotten. I can’t tell you how glad I am you reminded me of who I used to be, but I’m not a fifteen-year-old kid anymore and I can’t put myself in a situation where I’m going to be conflicted about something as important as my relationship with Andrew. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. So I told Andrew the truth.

I don’t want to be with you again. And in theory, I don’t. But sitting here with you right now, I do.”

A whirlwind of thoughts went through Craig’s mind. Friday night had been a heat-of-the-moment thing, a mistake. He had felt guilty as well. But Jeremy’s strength had always come from his courage, and Andrew had caused him to forget himself. With Robert out of his life, a big part of him had hoped Jeremy might want to finish his journey of rediscovering himself, but to do it with Craig by his side.

Jeremy’s words made sense, but hurt. “Jeremy. The last few weeks have kind of been emotionally charged for us. I totally get what you’re saying about remembering yourself. I had forgotten who I used to be too. With you back in my life, I’m 146

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remembering things and reclaiming myself, but you’re right, we’re not fifteen-year-old kids anymore. We have self-restraint and can handle this.”

Jeremy shook his head. “Don’t you understand? When we’re together, that fifteen-year-old kid comes back and being around you, I don’t think I can control myself. If I’m going to give things an honest shot with Andrew, I have to take some time away from you and focus on the relationship.”

Craig felt his whole world shrink in around him as a sense of claustrophobia surrounded him. Breathing became labored, his heart beat painfully in his chest, his tongue ran dry. All of the feelings when he had first learned that Jeremy was moving to Arizona, feelings he had fought to suppress and pack away so they could never hurt him again, unleashed within him and flooded to the surface.

Jeremy had returned into his life and given him the courage to stand up for himself, and now he was losing him all over again. All of the emotions he’d had when Jeremy moved to Arizona rushed to the front of his mind, opening old wounds. His eyes began to burn, his vision blurring with tears.

Jeremy’s eyes misted over as well. “I’m so sorry, Craig. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but I have to do what I think is right. Right now, I need to focus on Andrew and I can’t when I want…when I’m around you.”

Anger flared up inside Craig. A heated, raging fire, burning at him from the inside out, searing away the pressure pushing in at him. But it was a flame that burned itself out, using all its energy before it could take hold. Jeremy wasn’t purposefully hurting him. As much as he wanted to kick, scream, beg, to do anything to make Jeremy choose a different path, that was a burden he had to bear, not Jeremy. Determined to make this as easy as possible for Jeremy, Craig managed to push his anger and sorrow aside. Hold it together for a few minutes longer. You can fall apart later. He wiped his eyes and took a few deep breaths through his nose, masking his sorrow by crinkling his brow to simulate deep thought. “I understand. I want you to be happy and if you and I can’t spend time together, I can respect your choice. I hope one day, when things settle for you, we can still be friends.”

Craig’s body sagged in his seat, all of his strength drained. The few words he had communicated to Jeremy had been the most difficult he had ever spoken, but he couldn’t remember a time when he had been more selfless. Jeremy had picked Andrew and didn’t need the added pressure of dealing with Craig’s misery. It was a long shot to think he would choose me anyway.

A tear spilled down Jeremy’s cheek. Craig had an urge to reach across the table and wipe it away, but held his hands in his lap.

Jeremy took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “Thank you for being so understanding. I hope, in time, we can be friends too.”

Their meals came and they ate in silence. The meal consisted of pushing their food around their plates. After what seemed like an enormous and uncomfortable length of 147

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silence, Jeremy spoke again. “So what happened when Robert got home? Did you talk to him?”

Craig found talking about Robert grounded him. Anything to take the focus off the emptiness growing in his chest, in his gut, threatening to fill him completely. At least he had an object to direct his anger at. “I was nervous, but the way Robert had acted made the entire encounter much easier than I expected.” Craig smiled as he pictured himself laughing at Robert. “The conversation was ugly, but I’m happy I stood up for myself after all these years.”

“What happened?” Jeremy’s voice became stronger and more self-assured, as if the deflection from focusing on the two of them helped him to speak with greater ease as well.

“He came home and wanted to have sex right away.”

Jeremy tensed, as if he were angry.

“I held him off,” Craig went on, “saying we had to talk and he got irritated with me.” Jeremy seemed to relax a bit. “Finally I blurted out what happened between us Friday night and he exploded. At first I thought he might hit me, but instead he said no one makes a fool of Robert Howell.”

Jeremy laughed nervously. “Did he actually refer to himself in the third person?”

Craig wasn’t sure, but it seemed like he was watching him a bit too carefully, as if he were trying to read him. The words Jeremy spoke seemed normal enough, so he stopped over-analyzing and continued. “He did. And I laughed at him. I actually laughed in his face.”

“Shut up. You didn’t.” Jeremy’s smile widened, the first sign of brightness he had shown.

“I did and every time I think about it, I remember his expression. Finally, after about three rounds of him becoming angry and teetering on the verge of hitting me, he became oddly calm and told me to pack my shit and get out. I had already called Janet, so I had a place to go, but I need to get the rest of my stuff by this weekend.”

“What? He kicked you out?” Jeremy’s smile was replaced with an expression of concern.

“Don’t worry. Janet has an extra room and she’s wanted me to break things off with Robert forever, so she’s happy to help me out. I can stay with her as long as I like.”