The next call I make is to Nadia. I tell her my plan and that I would like for us to get together before I move. My last call is to Sydney; I’ve kept this from her long enough. She’s been my best friend for the last ten years and I need to be honest with her.
“Mags, what’s up?” she says, when she answers.
I take a deep breath. “Hey, Sydney, are you busy?”
“No, I’m just hanging out and watching TV,” she says.
“Good, because I need to tell you something.” And over the next hour I tell her everything. I tell her about Sam, the baby, and my plans to move to Savannah, Georgia. Her silence is hard to take. I know she feels nothing but hurt and disappointment for keeping this from her for so long, and for the next several hours we talk and cry. When we finally hang up and I feel as though another brick has been lifted from my chest.
One week later, Nadia and Debra help me pack up my apartment the night before I leave. We order Chinese takeout. They drink wine while I have water. We laugh and cry and I finally feel like it’s all going to be okay. I tell them how thankful and lucky I am for having met them. We promise each other that we will keep in touch and I tell them I will keep them up to date with everything. Before they leave, Nadia hugs me and tells me she will be over early with her uncle so they can help me load my things into my car.
The next morning I’m up and dressed before the sun is even shining. I walk down the street to the coffee shop and pick up some lattes for the three of us. As I’m walking back, I take one last look at the neighborhood I fell in love with. I feel a little sad knowing that this was my dream and it’s gone. I hold my head high, satisfied with what I’ve accomplished and what awaits me. After the last box is loaded in my car, I turn to Nadia and hug her tight. I kiss her on the cheek and tell her goodbye, trying to keep it upbeat, but after pulling away from the curb, I let it all out. And fourteen hours later I’m pulling into Aunt Virginia’s driveway. I can see her standing at the front door when my headlights shine towards the house and I jump out to meet her as she climbs down the steps.
“Maggie, sweetie, how was your drive?” She grabs me in a tight hug.
“It was good, it went by a lot quicker than I had expected,” I say.
“You look tired, come in and let’s get you settled.” she takes my bag.
I grab the bag that has what I need for the night and follow her inside. “I’ll unload everything in the morning. Right now I need a shower and a soft bed.” I say, following her into the house.
After my shower, I unload a few things and climb into bed. I feel as though I’ve lived a hundred lives these past few months and I drift off into a restful sleep.
The next few days go by fast as I slowly get settled into a regular routine. I make my first appointment to see Dr. Bussey, OB/GYN. When I step into her office, it feels right, as if this is where I was meant to be.
“I’d really like to do an ultrasound today and we can determine the sex of your baby, if that’s okay with you?” she asks.
My pulse picks up as a smile comes across my face and I nod. “Wow, I can find out whether I’m having a boy or a girl?” I ask, feeling very nervous, but excited.
“Yes, and it should confirm the due date.” She motions for me to lie back on the examination table. As I lay staring at the ceiling, I can’t help but remember my last OB/GYN visit. A sad feeling washes over me.
Was I really considering giving my baby up?
I shake my head to get rid of the thought, not wanting to put a damper on this moment.
As Dr. Bussey is waving the gooey ultrasound wand over my exposed belly, I can’t help but stare at the screen. The picture is black and grey and very fuzzy, but suddenly my eye catches a small flashing and I hear a thump, thump, thump.
“That’s the heartbeat you hear and that little flashing orb right there . . . that’s your baby’s heart,” she says, pointing to the screen. I blink my eyes as I focus on the screen and I can’t pull my eyes away. I’m so glued to that small flash as my eyes widen and my heart races. That’s my baby, that’s mine and Sam’s baby.
Look what you are missing, Sam.
“Okay, let’s see if we can get an idea of whether this is a boy or a girl.” Dr. Bussey presses and moves my stomach around.
“And it looks like it’s a girl,” she says.
“A girl. I’m gonna have a girl?” I ask softly.
“Yes, a girl, and by the measurements, I would say you are eighteen weeks,” she smiles.
“Eighteen weeks, so that would be four months and two weeks,” I say, doing the math in my head.
“That’s right, you are about halfway through your second trimester,” she adds.
I take a deep breath as she takes my hand and helps me to sit up. “Here is a prescription for prenatal vitamins; take one each morning starting tomorrow.” She hands me the paper. “You can get dressed and I’ll see you next month.” I make my next appointment and walk out of her office. I sit in my car and stare at the ultrasound picture. It’s hard to make out exactly what I’m looking at, but I love her regardless. I continue to look at all the pamphlets and booklets that are in the bag the nurse gave me:
Natural Childbirth: Is it for you?,
What if I have to have a Cesarean Section?,
Breastfeeding or Bottle feeding: What are the Benefits?
This is so overwhelming and surreal. I try to catch my breath.
My aunt is just getting home from her lunch with her book club as I’m getting out of my car. “Maggie, what did the doctor say?” She meets me on the front steps.
“Aunt Virginia, I’m going to have a girl!” I squeal, showing her the ultrasound pictures.
“Oh my. A girl. That’s wonderful, sweetie!” she exclaims, looking at the grey and black fuzzy picture while I attempt to point out her head, legs, and arms.
“I’m gonna be a mommy,” I say. We both walk into the house.
After I fill her in on all the details of my appointment, I sit on my bed and text pictures of my ultrasound to Nadia and Sydney.
Me: Here SHE is!
Sydney: OMG! It’s a girl!!
Nadia: Oh how sweet!
Me: I think she’s beautiful, even if it is hard to see her face.
Sydney: Of course she’s beautiful!
Nadia: What are you going to name her?
Me: I haven’t decided. I’ll have to think about it and I’ll let you know.
I go downstairs to help with dinner. Aunt Virginia hums as she cooks and I sigh as I sit at the table, feeling scared but content.
“You’re very quiet tonight, Maggie. Is everything okay?” she asks during dinner.
“I’m okay, I’m just so overwhelmed by all of this. I have so much to do to get ready for her.” I shake my head at the thought.
“How about we go shopping this weekend?” she asks.
“That’s a great idea,” I reply.
“I’ve been thinking about names and I think I want to name her after Mom,” I announce.
Aunt Virginia smiles and pats my hand. “I think that’s perfect. Your mother would have loved that.” Tears form in her eyes.
My mother’s name was Eleanor and it suited her well. She was a beautiful woman; tall and thin with long red hair that had just enough curl. We shared the same light green eyes.
“I could call her Ellie. What do you think, Aunt Virginia?” I ask.
“I think that’s a beautiful way to honor your mother’s life,” she adds.
After dinner, Aunt Virginia gets cozy with her latest book and I go upstairs for a nice warm bath. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror and look at my profile. Each day I’m more aware of my growing belly and I’m amazed how quickly this is going. As I lean back in the water, I feel a small flutter in my stomach. I place my hand on my belly and it happens again. I’ve been reading a couple of books I picked up at the book store about what to expect throughout my pregnancy. This flutter must be her moving around and I get goose bumps when I think about the day I can actually hold her.
We spend the following weekend shopping for Ellie. A crib is the first thing we buy, but after that we go a little crazy and barely have room in Aunt Virginia’s Range Rover.
On our way home I can tell my aunt has something on her mind and she has something to say. Once we pull into the drive, she turns to me. “Maggie, we need to discuss something that has been on my mind for a while now,” she says.
“Okay, what is it?” I ask.
“You really can’t keep this from your father any longer. He has a right to know that he’s going to be a grandfather,” she says, looking at my expression.
I take a deep breath. “I’ve thought about calling him, but I don’t think I can stand to hear the disappointment in his voice. I’m not sure I want to go there right now,” I say.
She reaches over and places her hand on my cheek and says, “Please think about it. I think you would feel better once he knows,” I smile and nod.
“I’ll think about it. I’ll let you know when I do.” I hug and thank her for being there for me.
It takes us until the next weekend to get the spare room across from mine ready for Ellie. As I stand in the doorway and look at the pink and purple bedding and curtains, I can’t help but remember what Sam said about how all girls love pink. I smile and wonder what he would say about this room.
A month before Christmas I finally decide to call my father. My hand trembles while I dial his number and my pulse races as it rings once, twice . . .”Hello?” I hear the voice on the other end, but I hardly recognize his voice; it’s been so long since we’ve talked.
“Dad? It’s me, Maggie.” It’s quiet and I consider hanging up.
“Maggie, honey, how are you?” he asks, and for the next hour and a half I talk to my dad, like we’ve never talked before. I tell him about Sam, Ellie, and New York City. I tell him where I am and how sorry I am for leaving and not telling him in person. I ask him to come to Savannah for Christmas and he says he’ll think about it and call me tomorrow. When I hang up I feel like even more bricks have just been lifted off of me, and I can breathe even better.
For the next week my aunt and I are busy shopping and preparing for my dad’s arrival. I was excited and nervous when he called to tell me he would be here the twenty-third and Aunt Virginia told me she was proud that I finally decided to contact him. Every corner of the house is decorated and the smell of cookies, bread, and pies fill the house. I finish getting ready and look at myself in the mirror. I’m amazed at how big she is getting and how my body has changed in so many ways.
We’re standing in the airport when I see him coming through the security area, he looks older. He smiles when he sees me and my heart jumps as I walk towards him and he grabs me in a tight hug.
“Maggie, I’ve missed you, honey,” he says. I can see he’s nervous by his smile.
“Hi, Dad, I’m so glad you’re here.” I kiss his cheek. He stands back to get a better look at my growing belly. He looks happy.
My aunt is standing behind me, waiting to say hello. “Hello, Charles,” she says, hugging him.
The three of us climb into the Range Rover, and small talk is all that we can manage for now as we drive through the city towards the house. After my dad unpacks, we all sit around the kitchen table for some of my aunt’s famous chicken and dumplings. He fills us in on all what’s been going on in his church and how he’s considering selling the house.
“It’s too much house for me to keep up with, so I need something smaller since it’s just me.” I’m shocked and saddened at the thought of someone else living in the house where I grew up and when he sees how his news affects me, he assures me he hasn’t made a definite decision.
Over the next five days, I see a side of my father I had never seen before. We actually talk, and for once in my life, I see him as my dad and not the strict disciplinary who raised me. I never saw the look of disappointment in his eyes while I explained why I left and how much my life has changed in the past seven months. We talked about Mom and how much we all miss her, especially with this being the first Christmas without her. On the last day of his visit, my dad surprises me with the most special gift I could ask for. While he was packing for his flight, he hands me a small box.
“I wanted to give this to you before I left,” he says, handing me a small box with a bow on it.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Open it,” he replies. I can tell he is nervous as I untie the bow. It’s my mother’s charm bracelet and it’s the one thing I remember my mother always wore.
I take it out of the box and hand it to my dad. “Will you help me put it on?” I hold it out, towards him.
“Your mother wanted you to have this. I don’t know why it took me so long to give it to you, but it’s yours now.”
“Thank you, Dad. I’ll always wear it.” I hold my arm out, admiring the different charms.
“I have something small for Elli.” He hands me a large box and inside is a pretty pink blanket with little purple flowers and lace around the edges.
“This is beautiful, Dad. Thank you.” I unfold it and lay it on my bed.
“One of the ladies in my Wednesday night Bible study made it. I hope you like it,” he says.
I run my fingers over the delicate lace and smile. “I love it, Dad. Thank you.” I kiss him on the cheek.
The next morning while just the two of us are having breakfast before his flight, I tell him how happy it would make me if he could be here when Ellie comes. His eyes light up and he smiles, telling me that he will be here no matter what.
At the airport I hugged and kissed my father goodbye, I was sad to see him go but happy that our time together was a step forward in mending our broken relationship.
The next six weeks fly by and I stay busy with doctor’s appointments, reading and keeping everyone up to date with Ellie’s progress. Dr. Bussey tells me that everything is still on schedule for her due date and she sounds healthy. I still get goose bumps each time I feel her moving around and I often wonder what she looks like. Will she have Sam’s eyes, his dimples, and will she be stubborn like me? Most nights while I lay awake and feel her moving, I long for Sam. I feel sadness wash over me, I wish he was experiencing this with me.