Miles From Home (18 page)

Sam and I quietly go downstairs, but there’s tension between us. I can feel it. “Do you want something to drink?” I ask, walking to the kitchen.

“No, I don’t want anything.” His reply is short. “I think we need to discuss this, Maggie.” I cringe at the anger in his voice.

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, so I grab the photo album and baby book that are sitting on a bookshelf and hand them to Sam, hoping this will help him understand why I’m so hesitant to tell her so quick. “Here are all Ellie’s photos and baby book.” Sam slowly opens her baby book first and begins going through it page by page, asking me questions about her various milestones. I tell him stories about the first time she crawled, about her first tooth, and her first steps.

“I know this is painful for you, Sam. I wish things could have been different.”

Sam slowly looks up. “You have no idea how this feels, Maggie. You’ve watched her grow up for the last three years. It’s really hard not to feel a little hurt about this.”

Sam’s anger slowly drifts away as he continues to look through the pictures in the album, and I sense there’s more he wants to ask, but when Aunt Virginia walks in I can tell he’s uncomfortable. Sam stands and says hello, walking towards the door.

“I think I need to get going. I have some thinking to do.” We both walk outside and stand on the porch in awkward silence, so I motion for him to sit next to me on the step. Sam slowly takes my hand in his.

“I think I need to stay here in Savannah. I don’t have to be back on the road for a couple of months. I want to get to know my daughter,” he says, staring straight ahead. “Okay, if that’s what you feel you need to do. We can work something out around my work schedule so that you can see her as often as you like.” I walk Sam to his rental car and he hugs me tightly. “Thank you, Maggie. I’ll call you tonight and we can talk about my next visit.” I watch him as he gets into the car.

While I stand and watch Sam drive away, I feel a familiar tug at my heart. Even though it’s been more than three years since I’ve felt his touch, those tingles are still there. I can’t lie to myself when my heart knows the truth.

Later that evening, after dinner, Aunt Virginia told me what she thought about when I should tell Ellie and I told her I would think hard about her advice. I’ve always looked to her for reassurance when I was doubting myself, but I feel so strongly about this that I’m not sure I’m willing to compromise.

“Maggie, quit being stubborn. Ellie isn’t going to fall apart if you tell her now, but that’s just my opinion. It’s ultimately your decision.” She turns around and walks upstairs for bed.

I slowly make my way downstairs the next morning. Sam and I had a lengthy phone conversation last night and I’ve come to the conclusion that over the next two months, while he’s here in Savannah, he can visit Ellie as much as he wants to. And during that time, at some point, we will tell her.

OVER THE NEXT few days Sam spends every day with Ellie. Most of their time is spent by the lake and taking walks. I was conflicted to let Sam have daily visits, but I relented. And even though I’ve been so overprotective of Ellie, I also know it’s not fair to keep her from Sam.

As I’m clocking out one morning after my shift, Josh grabs me from behind and kisses me tenderly on the neck.

“Come home with me, Maggie,” he whispers in my ear.

I close my eyes and lean back, completely lost in his touch and I feel a twinge of guilt as I say, “Yes.” I follow him out. As I’m driving towards Josh’s house the conflict I feel in my heart is too much to take. I ask myself if it’s possible to be in love with Sam and Josh at the same time, but I push those thoughts from my head as I walk with Josh through his front door and straight to his bed.

While Josh slowly undresses me and lays me back on the bed, I close my eyes as he lightly kisses me from my neck down to my navel. I concentrate on what Josh is doing and how wonderful he makes me feel. I grip the sheets when he pushes my legs open and slowly licks my most sensitive spot. My moans are his reassurance that my release is close and as Josh hovers over me, he smiles. “I love you, Maggie,” he says, as he enters me. I smile and pull him further inside as our kiss grows more and more passionate. I wrap my legs around Josh’s hips, meeting each of his thrust, with mine, and as the intensity builds, my emotions take over. Josh looks down at me as the tears slowly slide down my face. He stops and I open my eyes.

“Maggie, why are you crying?” he asks, lying down next to me. I turn to face him and push my face into his chest as he strokes my back to calm my tears.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.” I sit up and throw my shirt on. Josh grabs my arm and pulls me to him and I lay my head on his chest.

“There’s something more than that. I know things between us have been a little strained due to our schedules, but you’ve been distant these past few weeks. Talk to me, Maggie,” he says, quietly.

I shake my head slowly. “No, not right now. I just need some time, okay?” I try to reassure him that things between us are okay, but I’m not sure he believes me and I’m not so sure I believe it either.

As the weeks pass Sam continues to pressure me about telling Ellie since he will be leaving for Chicago in a couple of weeks. He has made it very clear to me that he plans on keeping the lease on the condo here in Savannah so he will have a place to stay when he flies in for visits. I can’t deny the fact that I look forward to seeing Sam when he visits Ellie and in my heart I know I will miss him when he has to go back out on the road. The more I push those feelings away, the more intense they become. I’m still in love with Sam. There’s no doubt about it.

One evening while Aunt Virginia was out with her book club girls, Ellie and I were home alone. I don’t know what came over me in that moment, but it just felt right. I sat her down and tried to explain the best I could that Sam is her father. I’m not sure how much she understood, and yes, I felt a little guilty for telling her before talking to Sam about it, but it felt right so I did it. After putting Ellie to bed, I called Sam and asked him to come over. I told him there were things we needed to talk about, and he agreed to come. I needed to get this all out before he left for Chicago in two days and for the past two months we had been avoiding any topics that concerned the two of us.

As soon as I see the headlights of Sam’s car my heart rate picks up and my stomach does flips. I open the door and invite him in, but he has a confused look on his face when he looks around, realizing that it’s just the two of us, alone. “Where’s Ellie?” he asks, as we sit on the sofa.

I turn towards him as I fidget with my hands. “Sam, please don’t be mad at me.” I look down, afraid of the hurt I will see in his eyes. “I told Ellie tonight. I told her the truth, but I’m not sure she fully understood.”

“What do you mean you’ve told her?” he asks.

“Sam, it just seemed like the perfect time.” He stands and paces around the living room. “I can’t believe you did this. I thought we decided to do it together.” he says, sharply.

“There are other things we need to talk about, Sam.”

“Okay, I’m not sure what you mean.” He looks at me confused as he sits back down.

“Sam, I want you to know something. I’ve been seeing someone for the past nine months.” Sam jerks his head up and looks at me.

“Who are you seeing?” he asks.

“His name is Josh, and we met at work.”

“Do you love him?” he asks, looking at me with hurt in his eyes. I turn away. “I don’t know Sam, there’s a lot I’m not sure of lately.” I watch as Sam slowly nods. He takes a deep breath and stands.

“Okay, well I guess my leaving soon is good timing, huh?” Sam says, staring right through me.

He clears his throat as he walks towards the door. “I’ll be here tomorrow afternoon as soon as I finish my last day of rehab. I would like some alone time with Ellie. if you don’t mind.”

I shake my head. “No, I don’t mind.”

And my heart drops when I hear the door slam. I stand there, not sure if I should run after him or not, and as I run down the front steps and towards the street, I see Sam’s car speed away, making me wonder if I made the right decision.

On Sam’s last day in town, he and Ellie spend most their time in the backyard, and each time I glance out of the window, I could see the pain of leaving Ellie on his face and it becomes harder for me to look at him. The entire time, he doesn’t speak to me until it’s time for him to go.

“Here’s a list of numbers where you can reach me if I don’t answer my cell phone, in case there’s an emergency.” He hands me an envelope.

“There’s also a check in there for Ellie. I know you probably have everything covered, but I’m her dad and I want to support her financially.” I take the envelope and place it on the table.

“Sam, it doesn’t have to be this way between us. Please don’t be so cold to me.” He shakes his head and walks out the front door and I follow him. He turns to me just before getting in the car.

“Maggie, I can’t deny you the life you’ve made for Ellie and yourself. But I want to be present in her life. Please, at least give me that.” As I watch him leave, I can’t blame him for feeling so angry and I hate myself for letting him go.

The night before Ellie’s fourth birthday I get a call from Sam, and he tells me he has rearranged his schedule so that he can be in town for her birthday party. Even though we’ve talked on a regular basis since he left, our conversations are cold and formal. I tell him that Ellie is excited to see him and she loves the pink Jeep he had delivered yesterday, and before I hang up, I feel that dagger twist once more in my heart. The next morning I wake in a panic when I realize that Josh and Sam will meet for the first time. Even though I knew it was going to happen eventually, it’s me I’m worried about. I just hope I can keep it together.

As Aunt Virginia and I prepare the table for the ballerina cake and drinks, I overhear Ellie talking to her grandpa on the phone. He wishes her a happy birthday and tells her to keep an eye out for a special present that should arrive soon. And as she stands in the kitchen telling me about her phone call, I hear two male voices in the other room. I freeze and squeeze my eyes closed tight. Sam and Josh are here.

“Hey, Maggie, where are you?” I hear Josh’s voice, and I instantly tense up.

“I’m in the kitchen,” I say, as every muscle in my body tenses. I smile when Josh comes into the kitchen and right behind him Sam follows. As Josh comes up behind me, he slips his hands around my waist and kisses on my neck as I stare straight ahead . . . into Sam’s eyes.

The house buzzes with giggles and screams and I catch Sam watching me from time to time. I can’t seem to decipher the looks that he’s been giving me, but I can feel them all the way down to my toes. I continue to avoid him during the party, but it’s impossible.

As the party ends and each one of Ellie’s friends from preschool and ballet class begin to leave, Aunt Virginia and I busy ourselves with the cleanup. I glance into the other room from time to time, watching Sam, Josh, and Ellie. She is busy going back and forth, showing them the various gifts she received as Sam and Josh sit side by side. Ellie wraps them both around her little finger . . . it’s hard for me not to love them both.