Misguided Truths: Part Two (Misjudged #4) (33 page)

Sitting down cross-legged on the ground, I rest my hands and the flowers I bought for her in my lap
, while staring at the white headstone that’s directly in front of me. I stare, I stare, and I keep staring while I try and control the anger and hurt that’s trying to flare up from deep inside.

I haven’t been to visit her for a while. I wish I wasn’t here now, but I had to come. I need her to know some things. She needs to know what’s going through my mind.

“Holly,” my voice is tight, and I have to close my eyes to clear my vision because of the tears. “Why’d you do it, Holls? I thought we meant something … I thought that I meant something to you. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you chose him. You were mine …” I clear my throat and wipe my eyes, taking a couple of deeper breaths to try and compose myself.
I will not cry over this. Not again.
“I know, Holls. I wouldn’t have believed a damn word of it, but I saw. You wrote it down. You slept with my best friend, Holly. You went behind my back when all I wanted was you. I trusted you. I loved you. I only wanted you!”

I stand back up, turn around, and tilt my head up toward the sky while summoning the pain to go away. She caused this. She’s made me feel this way. Nobody else. All the times I denied myself happiness because I didn’t wanna betray her was a waste of ti
me, because all the while, she was the one who betrayed me.

The anger becomes stronger
, and I twist back around, my jaw clenched tight, “Well, this is the last time, Holls. I thought I knew you, but I didn’t know you at all. I’m done. I’m not gonna come back here anymore. You fucking broke my heart and I swear … I’m done!” I toss the flowers on the ground, and ball my fists down by my sides, a new burning sensation filling my veins. “I’m not gonna come here anymore … I’m done …” I repeat the words in a whisper, and take a step away, another, and then another, until she’s no longer in my sight, my mind, or my heart.

They can’t hurt me anymo
re. They’re gone. All of them.
Gone.

“Another. In fact, make it a double,” I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my arm while slamming the empty glass back down on the bar. “Hey, Tessa! Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you!” she laughs when she comes
over to grab a hold of the twenty dollar bill I’ve just thrown down beside the glass. “Isn’t it a little early for these?” She lifts the shot glass in the air, and shakes it right in front of me while wriggling her eyebrows up and down a couples of times.

“I’
m sure it’ll soon be approaching midnight somewhere in the world,” I answer with a sigh, my voice flat. When I go to rest back on the bar stool, I lose my balance and almost slide right off of the back.
Huh. They’ve really gotta think about checking the safety on these things.

Tessa shakes her head before she
goes to pour me another one. I have no idea how many of these things I’ve consumed already today, but they’re helping. They’re probably helping a little too much actually.

It’s been a few days since I walked out of the dorm, and once I’d left Holly’s headstone
after saying goodbye to her for the final time, I headed straight over here to see Layla about me using the apartment above the bar for a little while. It’s only temporary, but at least I’ve gotten a roof over my head while I decide on what I’m gonna do next.

I headed over to campus yesterday for what would’ve been the final time. Yep. I quit college. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t need you to start judging me like everybody else.

“Brandon?”

When I hear Rye to the side of me, I don’
t bother turning around, I haven’t even seen the guy since I walked away from Alexis. Even thinking about her or saying her name causes me pain, and that’s why I’ve decided to make a new friend in Mr. Tequila over here. “Haven’t you got a class to go to?” I ask as he pulls up a seat beside me.

“I was about to
ask you the same thing,” he counters me, pulling over the bar stool he’s sitting on closer to me some more, and leaning forward in his seat while trying to gain my attention. I don’t wanna talk about her, though. I don’t. I don’t wanna talk or think about any of them. “She’s upset, bro. I’ve heard her crying each night in her room since you left.”

R
eaching over to grab the shot Tessa’s just placed down in front of me, I waste no time and throw it down my neck before repeating the process. I must’ve done this at least ten times already, and it’s still early in the day, “Another,” I say, and notice Tessa’s eyes darting between me and Rye a couple of times before she goes to do what I just requested. “She’ll get over it.” I say, firmer this time.

“No, I don’t think she will, and do you want to know something else? I don’t think you will, either. Come on, man. You know more than anybody that Alex isn’t that type of girl.”

I twist in my seat and let out a harsh laugh, “Yeah? Well, I thought that about Holly, and look how that played out,” I cock my head to the side, and notice that he immediately lowers his gaze. “Exactly. Now, are you gonna just sit there talking to yourself, or are you gonna join me and have a couple of drinks?” I raise my eyebrows on him, and he shrugs his shoulders before nodding his head toward my shot glass, gesturing for Tessa to go and pour him a drink.

***

Rye just went outside to answer his cell phone, and I’ve just ordered us in another round of drinks. This time I decided to get us a couple of shots of tequila instead. That other stuff I’d been drinking before seemed to lose the effect it was having on me when Rye walked in a couple of hours ago.

As I turn aro
und to go and take a seat over by the pool table, I feel a hand on my arm and when I turn to the side, I throw her a scrutinizing gaze, “What?”

“I’m sorry to hear about you and Alex,” she tells me, but if she thinks
that I’m gonna believe a damn word that she’s just said, then she’s mistaken. “Do you want to buy me a drink?” Is she serious?
Huh
. I smirk right at her just as Rye steps back through the entrance doors, and when she sees him heading back over to me, she drops her hand from my arm and takes a few steps away before turning around to join her group of friends again.

“What the fuck did she want?” Rye asks, his eyes narrowing right on her. “You need to keep the fuck away from her. I don’t trust her, and when you’re in this state, I don’t fully trust you either. No offence.”

I literally laugh out loud that he would assume I would touch that, “Bro? You really have no worries there. I wouldn’t even have the balls to touch her with yours.”

“Good to know,” he says, a wry smile etching over his face
now as we go to take a seat. He seems to drift off into his own little world, and a look of concentration starts to wash over his face. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“What doesn’t?”
I ask, and as I rest my elbows on the table, I notice him eyeing me with caution.

“If they were together then why did he hurt her? Holly, I mean. It just doesn’t make any sense, and I knew Holly almost as well as you guys did. If she didn’
t want to be with you then she would’ve told you and ended things before seeing anybody else. It just doesn’t sound like something she would do, that’s all.”

***

Why did you stop?
~ You looked scared.

Why did you stop, yesterday? ~ Holly, you were crying.

Why did you stop touching me, Brandon? ~ Because you weren’t ready yet.

No. No, I wasn’t.

No. No, please God, no.

I rest the back of my head against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall. Three times I’ve hurled the contents of my stomach in there. Is it making me feel any better about myself? No. Not in the fucking slightest.

He … He … She didn’t sleep with him, at least, not willingly. That’s it. That’s why he did what he did to her. That’s why he killed Holls. He forced himself on
her. He attacked my girlfriend, and he didn’t want anybody else finding out about it.

I should’ve known. I should’ve fucking realized when she was so distant with me, but I was too wrapped up in the band to notice. That’s why she looked so scared when I was with
her in her room that day. She was crying. She was crying so hard, and I thought that it was because she wasn’t ready yet. But, it was because of what he did to her.

She begged. She practically begged for me to have sex with her, and now I know why. She wanted me to take away her pain, Make her forget. I’ve read about things like this before. Yeah. But, I didn’t help her, did I? I wasn’t there for her.
Shit!
I was the one who told him where we were that night. He knew we were in Seattle because I fucking told him!

It takes me a while, but when I finally manage to stumble back on
to my feet, I unlock the door and see Rye standing over by the sink. Does he say anything to me? No, but I can see it in his eyes. He’s wishing that he didn’t start the conversation back in the bar just now. Well, in a way, I’m glad that he did. I wish I didn’t know what happened to her or why. Hell! I wish it hadn’t happened to her at all. If I could just go back and make it all go away, then I would, but I can’t.

I lower my head and break down again. All the things I did and said. She did want me. She did.
Shit! Alexis
. Rye heads right over and puts his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him, and then I cry. I cry, and I keep crying until it becomes too painful too breathe.

“I need to go and talk to her,” I say, my voice strangled as I back away from him and head toward the door. “I need to see Alexis.”

“Wait! Brandon not yet!” He calls out to me, following me out into the hallway and back down through to the bar area. “You can’t go like this, bro. You’re not in any fit state to go anywhere.”

“She didn’t sleep with Neil, Rye! I accused of her sleeping with that fucking monster!”
I swing around and shout right up in his face, my hands balled into tight fists by my sides. “I need to talk to her, Rye. I just need to talk to her.”

He nods his head in understanding while reaching into his pocket for his cell phone. “It’s Alyssa. Listen, go upstairs and sleep it off, alright? Come over to our place tomorrow and talk to her when you’ve sobered up.”

He’s right. I know he’s right, “Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow. First thing tomorrow morning.” I agree, and see the look of relief starting to cross over his face.

Once Rye makes his way out of the bar to head back home, I go to take a seat back up at the bar and order myself another drink. And, another. And, then another. I got it wrong, and tomorrow? Tomorrow is gonna be the day that I put things right.

Well, I think I must’ve consumed a hell of a lot more alcohol last night than I’d initially thought or planned because, I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bad after a night drinking before.

I feel
like some evil little gremlin has climbed inside my brain, and has started to throw shit around in there. It must’ve been the shots of tequila toward the end of the night. Now, those I
do
remember.

It takes a
couple of moments for my eyes to adjust to the bright light that’s flooding into my room.
Huh.
I didn’t even close the drapes before I climbed into bed. From the way I’m feeling right now, I’m actually surprised that I managed to make it to bed in the goddamn first place.

Rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, I roll onto my side so I can check the time and …
what in the hell?

If my mouth wasn’t feeling dry from being dehydrated before then it most definitely is now from seeing what’s …
who’s
lying beside me. No. No motherfucking way is that even possible. We wouldn’t have.
I
wouldn’t have.
Oh fuck.

“Morning, handsome.” S
he reaches under the covers, and starts running her nails over my abs, a wide smile beaming over her face. I gulp as my eyes open up wide.

“Wha—? No. Please tell me we di
dn’t …” my voice is hoarse, I lift the blanket, and it’s in this very moment that my worst fear is confirmed.
I’m naked. She’s naked.
“Oh, fuck!” I jump straight out of bed, and grab a pair of boxer briefs from off of the floor. “We?” My head’s pounding even harder now, and I point my index finger, first to me, and then over to her, back and forth repeatedly. Though, this apparently amuses her, and she sits up, resting her chin in her hands as she allows her eyes to roam over me.

Stumbling from foot to foot, I pull on my shorts
, and see her raising her eyebrows as she begins to laugh, “What? You thought we only came to bed to sleep?” When I go to pick up my shirt, that’s when I see them. My stomach rolls, and I seriously think I’m gonna hurl. One, no. Two, no.
Three.
Three empty condom wrappers are scattered across the floor beside my side of the bed. “So, I’ve got to tell you. That thing you do with your tongue is pretty amazing.” If I didn’t feel dirty before then I definitely do now.

“Y-You need to leave,
” I say, and start grabbing her clothes up from around the room before tossing them on the bed, not once looking in her direction again as I walk toward the hallway. “You really need to get the fuck outta here!”

I rake my hands through my hair
, and head straight into the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind me. Leaning over the sink, I run cold water into my hands, and throw it over my face while trying to control my breathing.

When I look in the mirror, memories from the night before filter into my mind
, and it takes all of my willpower to not throw up right here in the sink.

Pressing her hard up against the wall. Teeth unclipping bra.

Fingers roaming over her breasts. On hands and knees. Her hands running over my dick.

Her on top. Moaning as I slip my fingers inside. Grasping her waist.

Her mouth around me. Tugging her hair. Ramming myself deep inside.

Screaming with pure ecstasy.

I grasp the edge of the sink with both hands, lower my head, and close my eyes. I don’t think that it’d be fucking possible for me to sink any lower even if I tried.

Shit.
After figuring everything out yesterday about Holly, I snapped out of whatever funk I’d been living in, and decided to go straight over to see Alexis first thing this morning. I’ve been a total jerk, I know I have. And, I’ve risked throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

When I was sitti
ng up at the bar, right after Rye left, I’d decided that today would be the day to fix things. To make sure she knows that I’m sorry for the things I said, and make it known how much I fucking love her. I wanna be a part of her life.
I need her to be a part of mine.

So, tell me. What the hell happened between then and this?

I walk back through to the bedroom, and pause in the doorway when I see her standing by the bed. “Listen, I—”
She really needs to put some clothes on.

“I know. You want me to leave, and that’s fine with me. I mean, it’s not like I was ex
pecting anything else afterward or anything. But, could I maybe use your bathroom first?”

“Go ahead,” I guess it’d be pretty off if I didn’t let her, especially after having just told her to get the hell out. “Listen, um … could we maybe just
keep what happened last night between the two of us?” I ask when she goes to walk by me.

She tilts
her head to the side and smiles, “Sure. It can be our dirty little secret.” She licks her lips as she leans up to whisper in my ear, her breaths sending shivers over my neck and beyond. Not good shivers. Fucked up ones. I don’t ever want her to be that close to me again. She walks on by, and I breathe out a huge breath of relief that she’s agreed to keep what happened between the two of us last night, well, between the two of us.

When I hear the bathroom door
close and the water running, I walk through to the kitchen, and grab a couple of painkillers. Now that one problem has been eliminated, it’s time to eliminate the other.

I rest
my elbows on the counter, and my head in my hands while I wait for the coffee pot to fill. When I hear the water shutting off from the room next door, I grab a mug down from the overhead cupboard, and once I’ve poured myself a cup, I go to walk back through, stopping in the doorway when I hear a knock on the door. I glance at my watch, and then remember that I’d arranged with Layla that she’d grab the bar keys from me on her way into work.

“Just a second!” I jog to my room
, and grab the keys from my pants pocket before going over to open the door. “Hey, Layla.”

“Oh
, well you look like you had a good time last night!” Her grin is wide, and I try my hardest to fake a smile.

“Yeah … it was,
um … a heavy night.” I toss the keys in the air, and she catches them while throwing me a wink. “I’ll see you in a while.”

“Later!” she
says as she walks away, and as I’m about to close the door back up, I hear footsteps approach. “Oh, Brandon?”

“Yeah?”
I eye her warily when I see Layla grinning wide at me again.

“Nice abs.” she smirks
, and wiggles her eyebrows. “I’ll see you at seven.”

I close the door up
, and then go to grab my coffee from the kitchen counter.
Shit.
I forgot to give her the takings from last night.
Knock! Knock!
I shake my head and go to grab the bag from off of the side before heading back down the hallway.

“I think yo—
Alexis.”
I immediately glance over my shoulder to make sure the coast is clear before opening up the door just enough to be able to step out and join her in the hallway. “Um … What are you d-doing here?” I put my hands in the back of my pants pockets, rolling back and forth on my heel as I try and fight back the bile that’s rising in my throat.

“I know what you said, but I’m really struggling here, Brandon. I tried calling and I really think that when you listen to what I’ve got to say then you’ll understa
nd.” Her bottom lip’s trembling, and her eyes are filling with tears. “I didn’t sleep with Neil, Brandon. I wouldn’t. I don’t and never have wanted anybody else. I’ve only ever wanted you and … and … I know what Holly did to you hurt you, but I— what was that?”

Shit
. A door closing from behind me has her trying to look around me and inside the apartment.
This is not good.

“What? Hmm? Oh, oh. Nothing. Nothing.”
Shit. Damn. Fuck
. “So, you were saying?” I try my hardest to keep my voice even while scratching the back of my head. Yeah, I know, a dead giveaway that I’m hiding something, I know this, but,
shit!

She hesitates
, entwining her fingers low down in front of her, “I hate this and what we’ve become. I-I I miss you, Brandon. I miss waking up with you beside me in the morning, and I miss you holding me when I go to sleep at night.” She strokes her fingers along my jaw, and I close my eyes from her touch. I lower my head, and she slides her fingers through my hair while stepping closer.
God I miss her, too.

“Okay, I’m leav—
oh
!”

Fuck. My. Fucked. Up. Life.

Alexis immediately removes her hands away from my hair, and I see her taking a step back, her eyes darting between the two of us. She looks upset, shocked even. I’m not surprised, I was, too. “Alexis. Alexis, please.” I step forward, and put my hand out to her, but she steps away.

“Well, it sure looks like we may not have to worry about keeping our dirty little secret such a secret any longer.” She throws me a wink, right in front of Alexis, and holds her hand up to her ear, mouthing for me to call her as she heads toward the stairwell.

“Wow.” Alexis shakes her head and I hear her take a deep breath. “You spent the night with … you slept with Lisa? How and why? Oh …
wow
.”

As I
lower my head, I feel my shoulders slouch. When I’m brave enough to bring my gaze to meet with hers, I see sadness deep within those beautiful, brown eyes of hers. I can’t lie to her. She already knows. She just needs me to confirm it. I didn’t think in a million years that she would be the one to come here and apologize. I have to be straight with her, and it’s killing me. Nodding slowly, it takes me a couple of seconds to get the words out.

“I’m sorry, Alexis. I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t remember—” I try to grab
a hold of her arm and pull her around to look at me, but she shrugs me away. “Beautiful, please? Please—”

“No. No, you don’t have the right. You don’t get to call me that anymore. I’ve just made a complete fool of myself. You just l
et me stand here and pour my feelings out to you. I was apologizing to you when you—you know what? I guess you just got what you always wanted, huh?” She looks and sounds resigned, turning her back on me while heading toward the stairwell.

I got what I always wanted?
“What? What does that mean? Alexis?” I go after her, and when she reaches the top step, she sharply turns around to face me again.

“You finally m
anaged to push me away, Brandon,” her voice is shaky as she answers. I lift my hand to wipe the single tear that’s slowly running down her cheek away. Seeing her like this is making me feel like I’ve just been sucker-punched really hard in the goddamn chest. The disappointment in her eyes. The hurt. The heartache. I did this. I did this to her. “Don’t.” She pushes my hand away, hastily wiping the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. “Me and our baby? We’ll be much better off without you.” There’s no malice in her tone, there’s no hint of any emotion in her voice.

She walks away, leaving
me standing in the hallway alone. Dropping my shoulders as I lean up against the wall, a crushing feeling takes over my whole being when her words sink in, and it’s in this very moment that I realize; I’ve just lost her. I’ve just lost
them.

***

I’ve been pacing the entire length of my apartment since she walked away from me. You’re probably asking yourself why I didn’t go after her, or why I didn’t make her listen to me. Well, you didn’t see the look in her eyes like I did. Alexis has never looked at me in that way before, and I pray to God that I never have to witness it again.

I hurt her. I really fucking hurt her. Was she looking at me in the same way as she did when I accused her of sleeping with Neil? Nope. What about when I told her that I didn’t believe that the
baby she’s carrying is mine? Nope, she wasn’t looking at me like that either.

You’re right, I need to get over there and explain, but how the hell am I supposed to explain anything when I don’t know what the fuck happened myself?

The last thing I remember is Rye getting a call from Alyssa, and a couple of minutes later, he told me he was headed home. I wanted to go and speak to her last night, as soon as I realized my mistake, but Rye told me not to go there until I was sober and I agreed with him. Why? Why the fuck did I agree? I should’ve gone there. I should’ve headed straight over and demanded she hear me out. Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna go over there now and refuse to leave until she hears me out. Do I have any idea what I’m gonna say to her? Nope. All I know is that I’ve gotta try. There’s no way I’m letting her walk away from me. Not this time.

I grab my keys from off of the hallway table, break into a jog down the stairs as I head out of the building, and it doesn’t take me long to reach the dorm. I hammer on the door until it’s practically shaking off of the wall while trying to catch my breath. “Alexis! Alexis! Open up!”