Monster (23 page)

“And Ferdinand used to be a bull—er, cow?” said Judy.

“Yes.”

“And all the cats, they used to be other things too, right?”

“Not all of them,” said Ed. “But, yes, most. They’re the test subjects.”

“What is she testing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Does it have anything to do with preserving the natural order?”

“I really don’t know. I can’t understand Mrs. Lotus’s plans. I don’t think anyone can.”

“You’ve never wondered?”

“Mrs. Lotus is very old, you know. Older than anyone. She must know what she’s doing.”

“Uh-huh,” said Judy without commitment.

Several gargoyles swept down to attack Lotus’s tomato plants. The garden gnomes sprang into action, fending off the creatures. The battle was brief, and the gargoyles were repelled.

All they wanted was a single stinking tomato. It wasn’t a lot to ask for. Judy went over and picked a couple of juicy red ones from the garden. The gnomes threatened her with their spears, but she brushed them aside. She tossed the tomatoes to the gargoyles. They ate the fruit while crowing with high-pitched glee.

Judy smirked at the garden guardians. She may not have been able to beat her own garden gnomes. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what her personal tomato was. But there was something empowering about helping the gargoyles find theirs.

The ground rumbled beneath Judy’s feet. She backed away as the garden split open. Gnomes were tossed in the air, much to the cackling delight of the gargoyles. A purple hissing worm rose up. The huge creature convulsed as its round mouth opened. With a horrible retching shriek it spit a Day-Glo orange man before Judy. The worm wiped the drool from its maw with a long tongue, then sank back into the ground, leaving only a seven-foot hole where the garden used to be.

The garden gnomes picked themselves off the ground as the gargoyles chortled at their misfortune. The orange man, covered in slime, groaned.

“Monster?” said Judy. “Is that you?”

He pushed himself to his knees and wiped the slime from his face. “Oh, shit. It’s you. I knew it would be you. It’s always you.”

Ed came over. “Are you all right?”

Monster sputtered and coughed. Slime had gotten up his nostrils, into his mouth, his ears, and just about every other orifice he had. Even the back of his eyeballs felt gooey.

Ed and Judy tried to help him up, but Judy recoiled at the sticky drool that coated him. “Ew, gross.”

“I just spent half an hour crammed in a giant worm’s esophagus,” said Monster. “You’ll pardon me if my hygiene isn’t up to par.”

Ed said, “Didn’t I sanitize you?”

“That’s a cute word for it,” said Monster.

He threw a sucker punch into Ed’s gut. He followed with a blow aimed at her face but ended up hitting her in the throat. She choked.

Judy grabbed his arm.

Monster swung out with his other fist and smacked Ed in the jaw. She fell over.

He shook his hand. He didn’t have much fighting experience. It hurt like hell.

“Come on!” He yanked Judy toward the gate.

She pulled away. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m rescuing you.”

“Who says I need to be rescued?”

Groaning, Ed stood. Monster grabbed a decorative rock from the lawn and prepared to smash her across the skull with it.

Judy kicked him in the shin and he stumbled. The rock fell on his foot.

“Are you crazy?” he asked between fits of swearing. “I’m trying to help you.”

“You’re freakin’ out!” she said. “You could’ve killed her with that.”

“It would serve her right, considering she tried to kill me. That crazy bitch sicced a goddamn hydra on me.” Before Judy could stop him, he kicked Ed. “But I am a professional cryptobiological control agent!” Judy grabbed him in a half-nelson and pulled him back. Legs flailing, he still kept trying to kick Ed. “Bet you didn’t know that, didja, you crazy—”

Judy threw him to the grass.

“Are you all right?” she asked Ed.

“Is she all right?” Monster laughed as he sat up. “What about me? I don’t believe this. You drag me here, in the belly of a giant purple worm, against my will, and then, when I do try to rescue you, you keep screwing it up. You are seriously messed up, lady.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Monster, but I’m sure we could work this out if you’d stop being an asshole for a minute.”

“I’m the asshole!” he said with mock illumination. “Here I thought I was just some guy, another victim of your lousy subconscious. But it turns out, I was wrong and that somehow I’m the bad guy.”

Judy held out her hand, but he made a point of standing without taking it.

“Screw this. Who needs it? I’m going home.” He glared at Judy. “And if this is all in your subconscious, please, for the love of gods, let me be. No more Scottish goat men or winged horses or purple worms. You go your way. I go mine.”

Judy said, “I still don’t know what—”

“Sure you do. In the back of your head you do, anyway. And all I’m asking is for whoever runs things backstage to just let me walk out of this stupidity.”

She opened her mouth, but Monster placed a slime-coated hand over her face.

“Don’t say anything. Just nod. Please, just nod and let me know that somewhere, deep down inside, you understand and will stop screwing with my life.”

Glaring, Judy nodded. He removed his hand, and she gagged.

“Oh my God.” She retched and spit the slime from her mouth. “That stuff tastes like freeze-dried dog turds.”

He grunted and spat. The area of grass where he’d fallen was already beginning to yellow and die beneath the toxic worm goo.

“Jeepers,” said Ed. “I do hope Mrs. Lotus isn’t terribly upset when she discovers you’re still alive.”

“Wait a minute,” said Judy. “He’s telling the truth? You tried to kill him?”

Ed rubbed her neck, where a small bruise was forming. “Mrs. Lotus called it ‘sanitizing.’ She said it was… Oh, what was that word she used again?”

“Expedient,” said Lotus as she stepped onto the porch with a tray of tea and cucumber sandwiches. Ferdinand stood behind her.

Monster studied the gray-haired woman with the wrinkled face, long dancer’s legs, and obvious vitality. “I have no idea what is going on here, and I don’t really give a crap. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going home to take a shower before this slime rots away my skin, then get smacked around by my girlfriend and have some angry sex.”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that just yet.”

Lotus nodded to Ed, who stepped in Monster’s way. “Don’t make me kick your ass again,” he said.

She whirled, attempting to land a roundhouse across his chin. The pain of her bruised ribs startled her halfway through the maneuver, and she staggered, clutching her side.

Monster clocked her across the jaw. It wasn’t a well-aimed hit, but he put all his weight behind it. So much so that he nearly threw himself to the ground. But Ed was the one who fell.

“Warned you,” he said, shaking his bruised fist. “Goddamn, that hurts.”

Lotus stood before him. He glanced over his shoulder at the porch where she’d been only seconds ago. She could move fast.

“All right, old lady. You want a piece? There’s plenty to go around.”

Judy tried to warn Monster, but by the time she opened her mouth, he’d already thrown one of his trademark clumsy strikes. Though the aim was off and it probably wouldn’t have done much more than unsteady Lotus, the magic protecting her reacted with brutal power.

It hurled Monster across the lawn. Judy jumped aside just in time to avoid being struck by his flying body. He landed in the grass, sliding several feet before coming to rest at the porch steps.

Judy ran over and checked on him. He wasn’t moving, and his eyes were closed. She thought he might even be dead until she noticed he was breathing. His eyes fluttered, and his mouth opened, spilling out unintelligible syllables.

Ferdinand shoved Judy aside and picked up Monster’s limp form.

“You still want us to sanitize him?” asked Ferdinand.

Judy hadn’t seen Lotus move across the lawn to the table. It seemed impossible that she could run all the way over there without using the porch steps beside Judy, but Lotus was there now, pouring herself some tea as she considered the question.

“Hold on.” Judy held up her hands. “You can’t seriously be thinking about killing him. Sure, he’s an ass, but I thought you said we were going to fix the universe. And I don’t see how killing him would fix anything.” She paused. “Well, actually…”

Ferdinand wrapped a large hand around Monster’s face. He groaned.

“No, no,” said Judy. “It doesn’t matter. Still doesn’t make it right.”

“No, I suppose not,” agreed Lotus, though she sounded rather disappointed. “I don’t see the harm in keeping him safely out of the way until our plan comes to fruition. Won’t really matter after that. Ferdinand, show our guest to his new room. The one with the full bath. I’m sure he’ll be eager to take a shower once his pain subsides.”

Ferdinand dragged Monster, limping along without an ounce of fight left in him, into the house.

Ed wiped some blood from her mouth. “I don’t feel very well.”

“Oh, dear. That is rather nasty, isn’t it? Why don’t you go into the kitchen and brew up a pot of my special get-well tea? Second shelf, cabinet on the right, blue tin. You can’t miss it. Drink it right up, and you’ll feel right as rain in no time at all.”

Ed went inside, leaving Judy and Lotus alone on the porch. Lotus sipped her tea. Her smile never wavered, and she looked as warm and friendly as ever, an unlikely cross between a cool grandmother and a gracefully aging Rockette.

But she wasn’t either of those things, Judy realized.

“You didn’t really try to have him killed, did you?” Judy asked.

“Why all this bother over one insignificant life? I swear, it’s as if mortals have no perspective at all. It’s not as if their lives amount to much in the end anyway. In my time, I’ve seen untold billions live and die, and trust me, the world rarely notices or cares. Even kings and gods fade into oblivion, given enough time.” Lotus offered Judy a saucer with a teacup. “Care for some sugar?”

“No, thanks.” Judy accepted the saucer. “But you can’t blame him for being mad about it, can you?”

Lotus shrugged. “I suppose not. Still, he did ruin my garden, so I guess we’ll call it even. Have a sandwich, dear.”

“He’ll be okay, won’t he?” asked Judy. “You’re not going to hurt him?”

“Perish the thought.” Lotus chuckled. “His life means nothing to me, and I bear him no malice. Though I must say I’m a bit perturbed by the garden. The carrots were quite promising this year. Still, if it helps your delicate sensibilities to keep him alive, I’ll be happy to indulge you.”

Judy opened a beer and took a long drink. She didn’t think she could trust Lotus anymore. The woman, if she was even a woman at all, was definitely a little bit loony. But she also seemed so nice, so pleasant, even when issuing death orders.

Lotus had said Judy was free to leave at any time, but somehow Judy doubted that. She didn’t trust the old woman, though she kept that to herself and smiled while munching a pretzel.

She felt a bit foggy. The haze was returning.

“You should drink some more tea,” said Lotus. “Keeps the head clear.”

Judy took a long drink. Within a few minutes, everything came into focus again. It all made perfect sense, really. Lotus was so old and wise. She must have known what she was doing.

“Care for another cup?” asked Lotus, even as she poured Judy’s second.

After drinking this, Judy still didn’t approve of killing Monster, but she was fairly certain that Lotus had her reasons. And even if Judy didn’t understand those reasons, she assumed they were perfectly sensible. Lotus had a point. What was the big deal with one measly life when they were going to make the world a better place in the end?

“I’m thinking about turning your friend into a fish. A koi or possibly a trout,” said Lotus. “What do you think about that?”

“Whatever you think is wisest,” replied Judy. “You know best.”

Monster was vaguely aware of being dragged into the house and thrown into a guest room, but it was a few minutes until he regained his senses enough to take note of his surroundings.

He’d been in prison before. When he was eighteen, he’d spent two days and a night in a Mexican jail cell, playing cards with a giant Belgian. The dank cell stank of urine and mold, but the beans had been good and the Belgian knew a lot of knock-knock jokes. He wished he was back there.

His new cell was bedecked in yellow wallpaper. Dinosaur sheets covered the single bed. He went to the window and parted the clown-themed curtains. He was on the second story, but if he broke the glass and climbed down the sloped roof, he could probably make the jump. He picked up a tall, thin floor lamp. It was light but could probably do the trick. He stopped short of smashing it into the glass.

Too easy. They’d probably thought of that. Maybe he was doing something stupid again. Maybe not, but he was getting pretty tired of doing stupid things. It might be smarter to consult an outside opinion. Ferdinand had done a cursory search, but she hadn’t found Chester’s paper body folded in Monster’s pocket. He laid it on the bed.