Authors: Regina Bartley
“Food line is this way. Come on.”
I fixed myself a salad and grabbed a bottle of water before taking the seat across from Bradley. He would glance at me every now and again over his plate of food, but we never really had a conversation. As we were finishing up, I finally mustered up enough courage to speak. What came out didn’t quite sound like English and earned me a laugh. I laughed too. I couldn’t help it. The first coherent words I tried to speak and I sounded like a mental patient. Literally! People were staring so I tried to find my composure, but these people had no idea how bad I needed to laugh. Finally, I felt like I could speak again.
“Shine.” I said and he gave me a weird look. Of course I had a long awkward pause after I said my name. I guess I was automatically expecting him to know that was my name.
“Hola, Dora the Explorer. The pause you just gave was frightening and I’m afraid I am going to need help from Backpack, because I have no damn clue what the hell Shine is?”
I spit my water all over him, and I’m pretty sure it also came out of my nose. This boy was hilarious, and just what I needed. He wiped his face and I apologized once again. It was becoming a habit around him. I couldn’t believe how much he had helped me in so little time, and he was a boy. A boy… It’s scary to think about, but I realize that it’s easier for me to share conversation with someone who knows nothing of my past. I could easily fool him. I had built these walls around my heart and promised myself that no one here would be able to enter. I wanted to do this for myself and by myself. It doesn’t hurt to have someone to talk to in the mean time, and did I mention he is a boy. I might get better after all.
16
Moon
It has been twenty four hours since Shine has been in the facility. Only twenty four, long, excruciating hours and I hate it already. She needs to come home. This can’t be good for her. She must be scared and all alone. I know I am. What if she couldn’t sleep or what if she had another one of those spells where she blacks out? Who will help her?
I was officially driving myself crazy. I tried to stay busy helping Momma, but that didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, she really put me to work. It’s just, everything I did for her was piss poor, and my mind stayed with Shine. I couldn’t function under the pressure. There was so much I wanted to say to her. I hadn’t spoken to her at all since she tried to kill herself and I had questions that I felt she needed to answer. Besides that, it had been too long since we have actually had a normal conversation. That was such a big part of the reason that I couldn’t recover from everything. She was the person I told everything too. I know I have other friends and my mom but I don’t tell them the things that I used to be able to tell her.
That is when I realized that I could talk to her. I would just have to write her a letter. I could write one every day and tell her about my day and make sure she knows how much I still care. This way she could still have me in her heart and she wouldn’t have to look at me. I would do it. It was worth it to me to get some things off my chest and maybe someday she would write me back.
Wednesday March 1
st
Dear Shine Baby,
This morning I had Pop Tarts for breakfast and I thought of you. I know how much you love the strawberry ones. I only ate one out of the pack and saved the other for you. And here you thought you were the crazy person.
Things have been a lot different since the last time I actually talked to you. I realized this morning that I missed having our talks every day. I missed being able to say things that no one else understands. That is why I’m writing you this letter. I’m hoping this will slowly get us back into our daily routine.
So today I want to tell you that you have sexy legs. I know you are probably thinking what the hell do my legs have to do with anything? They have a lot to do with it. If I saw you today I’m sure that I would tell you how great your legs look in those cut off shorts you used to wear with your cowboy boots. God bless the person who invented those boots. When you wear them, it is the sexiest thing this side of the Mississippi.
By the way, French class officially sucks ass. I seriously need a tutor since you left me high and dry. I’m not sure what Mrs. Vail was saying, but her voice was raised so I’m sure she was cussing me out. It’s not the same without you. Who am I supposed to cheat off of now?
I know you are expecting me to ask about what you did, but I won’t. Not today. If it’s all the same to you, I would like to not relive that moment just yet. Someday soon I will want to discuss it. I have so many questions for you, but right now I just wanted to talk to my best friend. I need you to tell me to pull my pants leg out of my boots and pay attention in class. I need you to ask me if I am checking out your hot body. Which by the way, you know I would be. I really needed you to break up the argument that Josh and I had this morning over the greatest song of all time. By the way, Bruno Mars wasn’t on that list. I know that he’s your favorite. And right now I’m writing you this letter during last period, and I need you to tell me to pay attention because my ass needs to graduate . But most of all, I just need you. Get well soon. I miss you.
Love,
Moon
17
Shine
My first night was just as I expected. I asked the nurse if I could have something to help me sleep, but she said that I would have to wait until I met with the doctor the next day. She left me alone all night with the dreaded nightmares. Those same blue eyes stare back at me every time I close my eyes and try to sleep. The bourbon on his hot breath touches my face and gags me. I can still hear his voice telling me that Moon won’t want me anymore. My brain sets itself onto repeat and replays the same dream over and over every night.
This morning was no different than any other. I awoke in a cold sweat with my heart beating erratically. I’m not sure if I screamed or not, but when I peeked into the hall it was still dark, so no one was awake yet. That I could tell. It was still dark outside. I was able to get a shower and read over the day’s itinerary before daylight.
I was braiding my hair when I heard a knock on the door. There was no way of seeing who was on the other side so I just opened the door. It was Ruby, the lady who had checked my bags for murder weapons.
“Mail,” she said holding out a letter.
“Thanks.” I took the envelope and closed the door. I hadn’t even been here two days, who would be writing me?
It wasn’t mailed because there was no stamp, and no address. Only my name was written on the outside in a familiar writing. The moment I saw his name at the bottom of the letter my breath caught in my chest. With every heart breaking sentence, I cried. I read his sweet words and wished that the two of us still had this relationship. I wish that he knew the truth, because this secret was constantly choking me. I could never tell him though, not without losing him forever.
I curled myself into a ball on my bed. I held the letter tight to my chest and cried. I didn’t know that it was possible to miss someone so much. My heart was broken. I reached for the necklace he had given me for my birthday to make sure it was still there.
I was jolted from my memories by a hand on my side. I jerked my head around to see that Bradley was there. He had come to my rescue again. I hadn’t even heard him enter the room. Either he was quiet as a mouse or my sobs were entirely too loud. I scooted away from his touch and wiped my face. I hadn’t meant for anyone to find me this way, especially not him. He had already weaseled his way into my safe zone and I felt more comfortable around him than anyone. It was scary and I wasn’t ready to let him any closer.
“Don’t freak out. I heard you crying and I came in to check on you. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I answered quickly.
“Uh huh, you can blow that smoke up somebody else’s ass. I’m not buying it for a minute.”
He sure has a way with words. You can’t help but like him. He is brutally honest, but caring. I wondered briefly why someone like him was in a place like this. I handed him the letter to read for himself. I pulled my knees up tightly to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I rested my head on the top of my knees and waited for him to read it.
“Moon is his name? Seriously…”
“Moon is his nickname. His real name is Ryker.”
“Well isn’t that just the cheekiest thing I have ever heard. Moonshine,” he chuckled.
“This is serious.” I frowned. “I have heard that from everyone my entire life. That joke is old and over-told.”
He laughed again. “Sorry, I just couldn’t help it. So why are you crying? You love him.” It was a statement not a question, and yes I did love him.
“It’s complicated, but yes I do love him. We are best friends and I miss him.”
“So call him or write him or something.”
“It isn’t that easy.”
“Of course it isn’t,” he rolled his eyes. “But you aren’t going to tell me why and I can’t help you until you do.”
“Good point.” I half smiled back at him.
“Now, let’s go have breakfast because you are gonna need your strength for group session.”
I sighed heavily. How bad was it going to be? I am so not ready for this. We stood up and I gathered myself. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to be around Bradley. He had already warmed up my heart a little and I barely knew him, and did I mention that he was gorgeous to look at. We were about to step out into the hallway when he put his arm around me. I stopped dead in my tracks and closed my eyes. Was I ready for this? I wasn’t so sure that I could handle it. The smallest gesture made me fight to breathe, and made me feel slightly weak at the knees. I questioned his intentions. Was he making a pass at me?
“Just breathe. Don’t you over think this? We are going to eat. I’m going to help you get over this fear of touching one way or the other. Now, deep breathe in and one foot in front of the other.” I took a deep breath and looked him in his eyes before I began to walk. “See, you got this.”
17
And a half
Moon
After I finished writing Shine’s letter, I knew that I wanted her to have it immediately. The facility was only about a forty five minute drive, so I would take it there myself. If I relied on the mail it would probably take days.
As soon as the last bell rang, I went straight to my car to leave. I didn’t stop to talk to anybody. I heard Melody yelling my name in the hallway, but I didn’t stop. She was beginning to get under my skin. After the incident in the hallway she thought that I wanted her. I didn’t fucking want her. It only took two days of her nagging me to death before I finally told her. But guess what, as usual the bitch can’t take no for answer. I even told her that I was in love with Shine, and I swear it made it worse. She is like a tick on a dog’s ass. She won’t let go. Luckily I was able to get to my car unscathed.
I had to work for Papaw today, so the sooner I got to the farm the sooner I would be done and on my way to deliver the letter. I didn’t want to work at all, but I had to. Papaw doesn’t take lightly to missing work. He expects me there on time and ready. I would have to work twice as fast if I was going to have time to drive all the way to Cedar County, and be home on time.
The forty five minute drive only took me thirty three. I was in a hurry. I’m not sure why because I knew I wasn’t going to get to see her. I guess maybe I was hoping for just a glimpse of her face to keep my sanity at bay. I smelled like manure and was covered in sweat. They will probably think I have lost my mind, walking in there smelling like this.
I hesitated for a second before I worked up the nerve to enter the doors. I would say that I was greeted at the door, but the frumpy gray haired woman was too mean for a greeting.
“Excuse me, ma’am.” Her back was to me so I tapped her shoulder lightly.
“Visiting hours are Sundays only, so unless you plan on signing yourself in, you can just walk your little behind right back out them doors.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to visit; I just wanted to leave a letter here for my best friend.”
“Boy, ain’t you ever heard of a mailbox and a stamp?”
“Yes I have, but I couldn’t wait. That takes days. I want her to have the letter now.”
She studied my face for a moment. She also looked me over real good. I could tell that she was questioning my every move and it didn’t help matters that I looked and smelled really bad. “Who is it for?”
“Shine Craven.”
“She hasn’t even been here forty eight hours. This couldn’t wait?”
“Like I said ma’am, it’s real important to me that she get it.”
“How far did you travel to get here?”
“I live in Davis County. It’s only about forty five minutes south of here.”
“I suppose I could give her this letter, but I need to ask you something.” I shook my head for her to continue. “This letter will not set her back, right? She can only move forward in here. She must get herself better and she can’t do that if she lets the wrong people back into her life, or if someone says something to throw her off track. You get what I’m saying?”
“I understand and with all due respect ma’am, I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her. Not on purpose. I swear to it. She has always been the best thing in my life and I just miss her so bad. I can’t picture my life without her.”
“I see. Does she know that you feel this way?”
“She knows that I love her because she is my best friend, and she also knows that I would do anything for her. She doesn’t know that I am in love with her. We aren’t at a really good place right now, but it’s not because I don’t want to be. It’s complicated. She had a really bad accident a few months back and she hasn’t really spoken to me since. I don’t know all the details, but she still wants nothing to do with me. She might not even want my letter either, but that’s okay. I plan on bringing her one every day, and I promise you that I would not write anything to her that would make her treatment harder. I love her too much to jeopardize her health. She probably won’t read them anyway.”
“Every day huh?”
“That’s the plan.”
“You are doing a good thing Son. You keep fighting for her. You hear? I have seen a lot of patients in my time and I can assure you that she is not of sound mind right now. Her choices are all based on some bad experience that she can’t recover from and her body only knows how to shut down. If she believes in herself and the treatment, I promise that she can get better. You have to believe in her too and let her heal. I will give her this letter first thing in the morning during mail delivery.”
“Thank you. I don’t want her to know that I’m delivering them here.”
“I won’t tell her. It’s very sweet what you are doing. Hopefully, one day you will get your chance to tell her that you love her.”
“I hope so. I better get back on the road. Thanks again, Ma’am.”
“The name is Gerry.” She held out her hand for me to shake.
“Ryker Morgan,” I replied, “but if you hear her talk about someone named Moon, that’s me.”
“Get on home, Ryker. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight.” I left the facility feeling good about the letter. Thanks to Gerry, I feel like maybe there is some hope for me and Shine after all.