Authors: Regina Bartley
“Last year was my senior year in high school. I was captain of my school’s swim team and pretty damn popular. I was in a two year relationship with a girl named Maggie who I had gone to school with since she moved to town in eighth grade. She was one of the girls that hung with our crowd. I had always known that I was different and that I had an attraction to boys. As you can tell, I am not your stereotypical gay guy. Stereotypes just piss me off! I’m pretty sure that you didn’t even realize I was gay until our group session. That has always worked in my favor because without me telling someone then no one knew.
A few months before graduation, Maggie and I sat down and had a talk about what was going to happen once we graduated. I knew that I didn’t want to carry on this relationship to college because it wasn’t real and I was hoping to find something more serious when I moved away and started my life. I hadn’t planned on telling anybody about being gay. No one would have understood, and I’m certain of that now. When Maggie and I started to talk about the future I told her that I was ready to end things, but that I loved her so much and I always wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn’t picture my life without her in it. She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and we shared our first sexual experiences together. I know your probably wondering why I would have sex with her. Being gay was just who I was but being a man I still had needs too, and if I didn’t sleep with her what would she say? People would talk and I couldn’t cause that kind of a riot for myself. So I did it. She was my best friend after all and I wanted to make her happy too. That day that I told her that I couldn’t be with her anymore she had an emotional melt down. Her words were heart wrenching and she made me feel like a complete douche bag for taking her virginity and her heart. The words “I thought you were my friend” were etched into my soul and I couldn’t take it. I felt so guilty that I told her everything. I trusted her with my secret. I could see the look of turmoil on her face when I told her I was gay. What I expected her to say is that she was my friend and that we were going to be okay, but what she said was “you took two years of my life away and I slept with someone gay. How could you do this to me? I thought you cared about me?” She cut me so deep with her words. It was all me, me, me, me, me. Never once did she act as if she cared about me.” He wiped the tears off of his blood red face. The hurt was too much to watch. I was crying with him and my heart was just breaking into pieces for him.
“Even though she was mad, I couldn’t help but think about how close we were at one point. I considered her to be my very best friend, but I was wrong. This secret was only mine to tell, and I trusted her with it, like a fool. The next day when I came to school it was a nightmare. The word fag was spray painted in red on the outside of my locker. Not one of my friends would look at me or speak to me. I was casted away so easily from the people I called my friends. I mean some of us had known each other since elementary school. And just when I thought school was bad, well home was way more severe. My dad has been Dover County Chief of Police for fourteen years and he is a very well loved man by many, with the exception of me. I suppose Maggie told her parents, who called my parents, and by the time I got home from school the whole damn town knew. They were so angry with me that they kicked me out of the house that night, but it wasn’t before my dad beat the shit out of me in the backyard. He kicked me over and over again and told me I couldn’t come back home, ever. He told me I was a disgrace to the family name, and that if I died tomorrow that I had better hope I had a friend somewhere in this world because he wasn’t claiming me.”
“God that is so awful.” I said through my strangled cries. “Who would say that to their kid? I’m so sorry. I know that sorry doesn’t help, but I’m your friend and will always be your friend. I promise. I’ll be your family. You don’t need those sorry ass holes.”
“I have to finish this story. I have to get it out.” He shouted into the air at nobody.
“I’m listening.”
“His words cut me like a knife, so that’s what I did. I cut myself that same night on my wrist. My intention was not to kill myself, but to just get his attention. It didn’t work. He had told the hospital that I was a threat to myself and society so they placed me in a different facility much like this one. I did my ninety days and the day I was leaving, no one showed up to take me home. No one cared or even pretended to care. That’s when I realized that I was alone and I would be alone forever. It has been a year since I last saw my parents and the people I called my friends. I never went back.”
“But you said that you finished treatment. Why are you here?”
“Just because I finished doesn’t mean that I healed. Since I left the last facility I have not had a steady home. I only had my clothes from home and nothing else. I know I dress well, but these are my clothes from home. My mom would always make sure I looked good. I had an image to upkeep. I’m surprised that she packed them for me when they sent me away. I guess she thought that I could at least be warm while I lived on the streets. I have practically been homeless and this is my fourth time in treatment. The hospital sends me every time.” He pulled up his shirt sleeves to reveal the scars on his arms. There were so many and they were all so deep. It’s painful to see them. I used my hands to touch his arm. I felt like he needed someone to know that they were there and that they were just scars. He pulled back at my touch and for the first time I felt what everybody else had felt with my flinching. It was a disgusting feeling and it broke my heart.
“They don’t make you any less beautiful, Johnny.” I told him and hoped that he would believe me, but he got up and paced the floor again.
I can’t believe that I have a family at home who loves me and I tried to kill myself. This boy has no one, and he is desperate for love. I put my head in my hands and just cried. I cried for Johnny who desperately needed love, and for my parents who loved me enough to help me get better, and for Moon who I have loved forever, and for his dad who took away my innocence. I prayed that one day, that would be the thing that made me the strongest. How could I be such an ignorant fool? I see it so clearly now. It took this boy’s gut wrenching story for me to see just how good I had it. I could heal and get better. “Okay,” I stood up. “Make me better. I need to do this for me and for you, because when I get out of here I am taking you with me.”
“What are you talking about, Sunshine?”
“You are coming with me. Well technically, you will be out of here before me, but you can’t go far. I will take you home with me. My family will love you and no one will judge you and we can continue getting better together. Now, whatever treatment you’ve got planned for me, let’s get started.”
He wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. It was the best hug I had gotten in a very long time, and I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed it. He did too. We stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, and we cried together. Through his mumbled words I swear I heard I love you and I said it back. For the first time in a long time I told someone that I loved them and I meant it with my whole heart. I wouldn’t take it back or change it for the world.
21
Moon
Wednesday March 8
th
Dear Shine Baby,
I can’t believe it has already been a week that you have been gone. I miss you every day. I wonder if you actually read my letters or if you are throwing them away. I hope you just have them tucked away somewhere and are planning to read them real soon.
I forgot to tell you that Mrs. Vail gave me tons of extra credit for her class, and even though I may only wind up with a D, I’m still going to pass. Can you believe it? No tutor needed for me. Hopefully the two of us will actually have use for all this damn French one day. I know how bad you want to travel and I can’t wait to take you.
I have been waiting to tell you because I know you don’t like talking about my dad, but momma and I have to meet with some attorney from dad’s firm about his will. Turns out he thought about us after all, or at least I think he did. We’ll see. Wish you were here with me, and that I didn’t have to go alone. I mean I know I will have momma but it’s not the same. I guess I will let you know how it turns out.
Oh yeah, Josh wanted me to say hello from him. He also said that he plays better ball when his favorite cheerleader is on the bleachers cheering him on. So he said you better get your “hot ass” better because he needs you. He also said something about you owing him a beer. He said the final score was 11-0, and that you would know what that means. I’ll kick his ass if you need me too.
Looks like I’m not the only one who misses you. I hope you will write me back soon. I’d really like to hear from you even if you just want to sign your name to a blank sheet of paper. I will take whatever I can get.
Gotta go baby, but I will write again tomorrow.
Love,
Moon
P.S. Are you still wearing the necklace I gave you?
At five thirty, Momma and I were waiting in the lobby of Dad’s firm. Dad had been with this firm for nearly twelve years and had been partner for close to eight. Yet today, we feel like outsiders who have no business stepping foot inside the building, like we don’t belong here. The bouncy little blonde with her tits on display made us sit in the main lobby like commoners. I guess we are now, but her snotty little attitude didn’t help matters. Momma knew that I was aggravated. She patted my knee and told me to sit still and that we wouldn’t be there long. “We don’t owe them the time of day. We will show them respect because we are the bigger people in this situation. Once this is all said and done they can kiss our asses, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.” She smiled at me and I was biting back a laugh. She is the coolest Momma ever.
Dad’s partner, Mr. Barrett, came out into the lobby and requested that we walk with him to the board room across the hall. The long black table separated us from the men in suits. There were four of them and they were wearing shoes that were more expensive than the car I drive. The old bald guy on the end was staring at my Momma and I swear I would’ve busted his skull if she would have let me. It was his lucky day, fat bastard. I wanted to pound my fists on the table and tell them to get this show on the road.
“Could we please get started because I don’t have all day?” Yeah! Go momma! She wasn’t in the mood to be fucked with either. I love it when she takes charge. People expect such a sweet kind lady, which don’t get me wrong she is. It’s just sometimes she gets pissed off and well, it ain’t pretty.
The tall man spoke first after clearing his damn throat five times. “Mrs. Morgan we are here today to discuss your husband’s will.”
“I know why we are here, Misteeeeeer?”
“Mr. Galvin. I’m the one that you spoke to on the phone.” He answered.
“Oh yes, Mr. Galvin. I remember speaking with you, and I know why we are here. What I don’t know is why there are four of you present. I don’t take kindly to people in my business and I don’t believe it’s necessary for every person my husband worked with to be present at this meeting. What you all discuss after we leave is up to you, but what we discuss in this room while I am here is up to me.” She cocked her head to the side and stared right at them. If you could have seen the looks on their faces, it was priceless.
“I understand where you are coming from Mrs. Morgan, but there has to be an attorney present for the reading of this will.”
“Right an attorney, as in one. So I would appreciate if one of you stays and the rest of you leave.” Oh hell yeah. She put em all in their place while I sat back and laughed. I imagine dad would have been rolling over in his grave had he heard what momma said. She was a firecracker today and I couldn’t have been more proud of her.
Once the guys left out of the office the meeting finally got started. Mr. Barrett was the only attorney who stayed and he had a look of rage the entire time we were there. Seeing his men getting up and walking out must have really struck a nerve with him. He never spoke another word the whole meeting.
“So if you will look at the figures on the bottom of this page and this one, you will see the amount of money that he had accrued. This first page is what he left behind for you Mrs. Morgan along with the life insurance policy, and on this page is the amount that is left to Ryker. However, it says here that it must remain untouched until your twenty first birthday. For now it will remain in an account with you Mrs. Morgan as the sole benefactor. Once Ryker has turned twenty one, he will have full access to this money.” Holy Shit! Momma placed her hand across her heart and took a deep breath. I had no idea he had this kind of money. For him to leave me anything was farfetched, but this was enough for me to go to college start a life for myself and not have to work for a very, very long time. I have never seen this amount of money in all of my life.
“Now, there is a third page here for someone else. He has asked that this amount of money which you will see is the same amount as Ryker, be left to his other child.”
“Excuse me?” I looked at him confused. Did he just say there was another child?
“What?” Mom asked.
“I understand that this comes as a shock, but he had asked that this remain a secret unless this situation was to succumb.”
What the hell do you say to that? All these years I have had a brother or sister and didn’t know it. “Mr. Galvin, does this other person know about my dad?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure how much I am really supposed to say here.” He looked at Mr. Barrett for some kind of advice and he just nodded his head. Thankfully he allowed him to continue, because I really needed to know. “I was told that the child does not know about her father. Only what she has been told since he passed. The same conditions will apply to her as far as receiving her part of his will.”
“Who is she?” My mother asked never taking her eyes off of the papers on the table.
“Her name is Valerie Morgan and she is fifteen years old. She lives in Little Rock with her grandmother Anna Scotland. When I contacted Mrs. Scotland she informed me that Valerie’s mother, Tori, died about eight months ago. She had cancer. I don’t know if David was aware of this or not. Now she lives with her grandmother and she has been taking very good care of her. With Anna as Valerie’s legal guardian, she will become benefactor until Valerie’s twenty first birthday.”
I don’t know what to think about all of this. It’s too damn much. I have a sister that I know nothing about and if momma’s heart was healing before, I’m pretty damn sure that it’s broken again. I ran my hands through my hair and leaned my head back onto the headrest of the chair. This went from good to bad real fast.
“Is there anything else that we need to do today?” Mom spoke softly.
“That is it Mrs. Morgan. I will just need to make copies of all of this paperwork and you can be on your way.” She just shook her head as he stood from his chair. “I’ll be right back.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Actually, I’m okay. It’s hard news to hear, but I’m not that surprised. I knew that your dad had affairs. I always have, but I always loved him regardless. I wish sometimes that I hadn’t and that I would have left, but when he was at his best I could never let go. He would always find some way to make things better. My love for him was blind and I couldn’t let go. This isn’t the worse news ever. At least you know that you have a sister. Maybe one day you will get to meet her.”
“I don’t know about that. I need a little time to adjust to the whole situation. It’s messed up.”
“Yes it is baby, but we’re strong. You heard what the man said. That poor girl has lost her mother and now her father. Besides her grandmother, it sounds like you may be her only family.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” She was right. The girl was fifteen and had no parents. That sounds like a much harder life than I have had, and she’s so young.
When Mr. Galvin brought back our papers, we left. We agreed we wouldn’t step foot back into that hell hole ever, no matter what. We got what we came for. I know that I left there with a lot more than I came with. I had a baby sister, and I couldn’t wait to tell Shine.